Don’t change very often.
I wrote a post back in July about my daughter and her boyfriend, whom I am picking up the signals may be passive aggressive. They split up back then because she wasn’t getting anything she needed from him emotionally and she was miserable. She should have probably made a clean break.
After the split, it didn’t take long for them to start the “friendly communication” again. Of course when you still have special feelings for someone, we all know where that can lead. They’ve gone out a few times, etc. and while neither is seeing anyone else, they (he) hasn’t reclaimed the relationship either. My daughter says they’re “in between”. In between what she doesn’t know.
I have noticed she’s been a little down, but when I asked her about it she isn’t ready to talk,, at least not to Mom. I did overhear her telling a friend about how she was feeling and how “he’ll just say all the right things to make me feel better, but nothing changes.”
Last night I gathered a few examples from around the web and put them together for her. One paragraph was about the passive aggressive and intimacy.
While the passive aggressive may want to love you, they usually are more fearful of becoming dependent on you or putting you in a place where you can hurt them. While they may have sex with you, they rarely actually make love for this same reason. They can’t trust themselves to emotionally connect with you.
They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other’s bad behaviors.
I’m afraid it hit right between the eyes. When she finished reading she admitted the example above along with the others sounded all too familiar, but being young, she can’t believe that people can’t change. I explained to her that people can change, but most passive aggressives never admit the problem is them and until they do, they won’t change. I told her there are examples all over the web where women and men have wasted years of their life being in love with a passive aggressive in hope of change that never came.
I also gave as an example my BF and me. I reminded her we have been together for 9 yrs. and I tried many times to “talk” to him, get some emotion out of him, let him know what I needed from our relationship. It never went anywhere. I explained to her to save myself I basically had to emotionally pull out of the relationship a long time ago. He hasn’t got a clue why I’m not all lovey-dovey anymore. I’m sure he thinks it’s just because we’ve been together as long as we have. I also explained to her how his passive aggressiveness has carried into other areas of his life (employment, etc).
When you’re young you feel like you can change the world. What she decides to do obviously is up to her. At least now I feel I have armed her with some knowledge as to what she’s getting herself into.
Filed under: abuse, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, personality disorders, trust | Tagged: coping with the passive aggressive, covert abuse, emotional distance, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, trust |