Remembering part of the definition of the Passive Aggressive-
“It can manifest itself as deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is, often explicitly, responsible.”
You know at sometime it has to happen. You’re going to want (have) to talk to the passive aggressive about money. I don’t know if this is how it works in most passive aggressive households, but if you want your bills, etc. to get paid, it probably should.
In our house my passive aggressive BF picks up his paycheck every two weeks. He takes it straight to the bank where he keeps so much for spending money for the week, then deposits the rest in my account to pay the house pmt, bills and grocery shop. In the beginning, this spending money covered his gas, cigs, lunches, and beer. Since the price of gas has gone up, I started buying his cigs so he doesn’t have that expense anymore. (approx. $40 a week). I also started making his lunch everyday from leftovers, which he seems to love (another $20).
Week 2 after the paycheck, he goes and gets another weekly “allowance” out of the bank account. A little while ago I noticed that when he volunteers to make dinner, he has started taking out an extra $40 over and above, for the groceries. I never said anything, but a couple of paychecks ago he took out an extra $80. I couldn’t resist this time, and asked what the extra was for.
Very matter-of-factly he said “$55 was for groceries, and $40 was for gas”.
He says it costs him $40 a week for gas now to get back and forth to work. I can understand that. Now out of the “spending money” he doesn’t have to pay for gas or cigs. Plus, this particular week I put extra gas in his car because I borrowed it to go somewhere and didn’t want to use what he needed for work.
The next week, he gets his paycheck and takes out $40 extra. I ask him if he’s fixing dinner since he took out the extra money. From the look on his face you would have thought I just went crazy right before his eyes.
“No. I’m getting a haircut. That’s $20 and I might need another part for the car radio.”
I finally had to ask “What do you spend your money on? I buy your cigs. I make your lunch every day. Where does it go? You’re spending less money now than you used to (lunches and cigs $60) and it’s costing more. I’m just curious. Where does it go?”
If I didn’t know any better, I would swear he was having an affair, but I know he’s not. This is how the passive aggressive handles the rest of the discussion.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll just save all my receipts for you from now on so you can see. I don’t stop anywhere after work and spend it on drinks or anything. I don’t just blow it. I don’t know.”
Of course when he says about saving all his receipts, etc. then I start to feel guilty. After all, it is his money, but… So now I still have no idea where it goes (although his shop in the garage is very well stocked, even tho he doesn’t do much out there lately). Like everyone else that isn’t rich, we need to budget. One of the first steps in doing that is knowing where your money is going, so I really should have him save all the receipts, except now I feel so bad for making him account for his spending that I hate to bring it up again.
Until I get over that feeling, his passive aggressive behavior works well for him, again. LOL.
Filed under: coping, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, personality disorders, trust | Tagged: mental health, money and the passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive communication, passive aggressive personality |