I actually have 2 daughters and a son. My middle daughter who doesn’t get involved very easily with boys, has been seeing this guy for a few months. She’s 23 and usually is the single one in the bunch, even tho in her heart she has a ton of love to give. She’s just very picky about who she spends her time with. I view this with mixed reviews. In one way it saves a lot of wasted time and heartache not having to go thru the awful break ups, etc. At the same time, I think there are probably a lot of missed opportunities to “what might have been”. She’s very pretty and smart, and can be quite intimidating to the average male. Oh my, do I just sound like the Mama crow that things my baby crows are the blackest, or what? Well it’s all true.
I’ve learned with having teenagers turned young adult children, the fastest way to get them to shut up is to ask to many questions or to give too much advice. I try to not intrude too much, but also keep in touch with what’s happening in their lives, and then be available when they’re ready to talk. My middle daughter and I have been talking.
What came up gave me cause for alarm. She was having a small problem and we talked about how she should talk it over with her short-timed BF before it grew into anything bigger. The time went by until finally what has come out is the true motivation for her problems.
He doesn’t ever compliment her on how she looks, he doesn’t really make an effort to get together, and last but not least, she always has to initiate sex. (Who would think I’d be talking to my daughter about that!) None of this is how this relationship started out. Thus her education had to begin.
I had explained to her in the past that men were really poor at reading “signals” and if she wasn’t getting what she needed, she needs to ask for it outright. They are very lousy mind readers. This new slant on things made it necessary to introduce her to the “passive aggressive personality”.
The first thing I had to tell her was if she was unhappy after a few months, she wouldn’t be happy for a lifetime. The passive aggressive very rarely changes or even acknowledges there is a problem. My passive aggressive has changed a little when I call him out on something ridiculous, but it just comes out somewhere else.
Altho she really cares about this young man, she is smart enough to know she doesn’t want to live unhappily all the time. She’s struggling with the fact that he treats her a little better than the guys she’s been with in the past, but as I explained to her, “better is still not necessarily good”. That also is the passive aggressive’s MO. They are able to say just the right thing at just the right time to make you think the problem is all you. I told her she is very young and she doesn’t have to settle. While I am in that kind of relationship myself, I would have never been able to stand for it at her age.
Sometimes you just have to cut your losses. It sounds pretty cold, but if someone is not adding to your life, what is the point of holding on? She has a whole life waiting for her out there. Go live it happily!
Filed under: abuse, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, personality disorders | Tagged: definition of passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, signs of a passive aggressive personality |