I Caused Him To Be Passive Aggressive

Having a passive aggressive boyfriend, I’ve done a lot of research on the passive aggressive man, spouse, etc. Today I find myself on the opposite side of the fence in the way that my son behaves very passive aggressively and as his mother, I may have been the cause, or at least a big part of it. Now I need to start researching as a parent and see what I can do to fix it.

Part of the reason people become passive aggressive is a fear of losing parent approval very young in life when we’re most dependent upon our parents for our well being. Many children go through separation anxiety when they first start school as they fear being abandoned. My son was the youngest of my three children, and he was only 3 when his father disappeared from his little life (he was wanted by the law).

Since then he’s had 3 significant men in his life die. I was a very strict (probably a bit abusive by today’s standards) mother and during that time between being controlling and disappearing myself for a couple of trips, it’s really no wonder that now he has 1) very little respect for authority and 2)very little trust.

His life is pretty much out of control. While I have tried and tried to help him now, I’m afraid it’s a case of “too little, too late”. He’s going to have to learn the hard way and their is nothing I can do to prevent it. This weekend I think I finally really got that. I really need to let go of control and will be taking my own advice and start going  to Al-Anon or something to help me learn to do that.

All his teenage life as he would get in trouble I would warn him each time that he was going to end up in juvinal hall. I swear he led a charmed life because all he ever got was a slap on the wrist. Now as his legal life spirals out of control he doesn’t think I ever know what I’m talking about when I try to pre-warn him. Now what started as just a $170 ticket that grew to $590 and has prevented him from having a driver’s license, has turned into a few court dates and a $5000 warrent for his arrest.

In the true passive aggressive nature, when I tell him something he gives me the usual lip service but does none of what I tell him. When I ask him if he doesn’t think I’ve learned anything in all my years on earth, he really just looks at me as an alarmist rather than someone with any hard won wisdom. He’d rather listen to his friends who are either in jail or on their way. Obviously a lack of trust in our relationship.

It breaks my heart to watch him go through hardships that could have been avoided, but I guess I was a lot the same way as a young adult. When my father used to try to give me advice, I always thought it was different for me. We all have to go through some things and learn on our own. Allowing him to do that is one thing. Suffering myself from his mistakes is another.