The Female Passive Aggressive

female PA  I don’t get a lot of comments from men here, but I think it’s  definitely worth a mentioning. We don’t have to be romantically involved for a female’s passive aggressiveness to affect us. We have passive aggressive mothers, sisters, girlfriends.

I do have to say though, that I find the m.o. of a female passive aggressive vs. what we women go through with our male passive aggressives, to be quite devastating for the average man.

Now, that’s not to say what happens with women isn’t devastating, but somehow I think we are more equipped to handle what is happening. As women, we get right down to the research, reach out to others for support and understanding. Men aren’t used to working like that, so they have more of a tendency to keep what they are going through private, thus not taking advantage of what support systems they may be able to utilize.

A big disadvantage the man has is that most of them have never understood women period, let alone a passive aggressive woman. Most of them succumb to tears, temper tantrums, because they have no idea what else to do. This makes at least these two expressions of emotion great manipulative tools for a passive aggressive female.

There are two cases I know of that are almost identical. One is from a mother-in-law’s point of view regarding her daughter-in-law, and the other is from a dear friend of mine who got involved with a passive aggressive female a couple of years ago, and hasn’t been sane since. LOL.

In both cases the passive aggressive females had been abandoned by their mothers at a rather early age. One was raised by her relatives, the other by an alcoholic father who decided he really couldn’t take care of her, and abandoned her also. Needless to say, when it came to nurturing, neither of these women received what they needed.

In both cases, neither of the passive aggressive females will go to counseling. My friend’s girlfriend agreed at first (I think just for posterity) but then seemed to keep coming up with excuses not to go.  The therapist ended up quitting on them as she never knew if they were going to show up or not.  Both women seem to be “not” dealing with abandonment issues and are quite needy because of it.

What’s funny to me, is my friend even calls his relationship “crazy-making”, understands that his girlfriend is passive aggressive in “some ways”, but really doesn’t get how incurable it is, especially when she doesn’t want to address any of her issues.

In both cases the passive aggressive female, like the passive aggressive male counterpart, wants to cut off all outside relationships their spouses or Significant Others have. My friend who is a mother-in-law, is lucky if she ever sees her grandchildren. Her son has been so manipulated by his passive aggressive wife, he hardly has anything to do with his mother. When he does, many times it’s backing up his wife’s passive aggressive behavior, hurting his mother even more.  The other passive aggressive female has been trying to build a wedge between my male friend and his mother almost since the very beginning of their relationship. His mother is quite elderly, and he has a very real sense of responsibility toward his mother, so his girlfriend is finding that relationship a little harder to break up.

He and I don’t hardly speak anymore because she was threatened by our relationship.  Passive aggressives usually understand they are being unreasonable and don’t want their spouses or Significant Others talking about their relationship with anyone else. In my male friend’s case, his girlfriend said he should be talking to her instead of me about the things that bother him, which I agree if that’s possible. Yet when he tries, she goes into a huge crying jag, or a screaming match. Then she totally breaks all communication stating if they can’t have the perfect “fairytale” relationship, they shouldn’t have any at all. After 3 yrs. I’m hoping my friend is starting to see that he may be better off letting her go to find that kind of romance, instead of being the brunt of everything bad that ever happens.  There is no way he can ever win with her.

Unfortunately, in both these cases, all the people on the outside can do while getting their hearts broken, is wait for the one in the relationship, be it son, friend, brother, etc., is wait until they’ve finally had enough. As we can see from how long passive aggressive relationships can last just from reading the comments on this blog, that could be a very long time.

 

Latest And Greatest In Passive Aggressive Behavior

My passive aggressive boyfriend has taken a new approach to trying to make me second guess myself, so I thought I would share his latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior.

Any of us involved with a passive aggressive knows how good they are at making us doubt ourselves, second guess ourselves. Somehow everything we thought we knew, we wonder under the passive aggressive’s constant scrutiny, if we ever really knew anything at all.

My passive aggressive boyfriend and I have been together for 13 yrs. now. He is a total sports fanatic, and I’m sure that’s one of the ways I got him (lucky me) was that I knew quite a bit from betting on football, etc.  When we first got together I was very willing to also learn hockey, was already a NASCAR fan, and “got it” when it came to baseball.

Over 13 yrs. I have managed to surprise the passive aggressive  on several occasions that I actually get the strategy of the games, etc. I don’t know if his latest passive aggressive behavior is meant to make me feel stupid, make him feel needed, or just to make him feel like he still has an edge, but I find it utterly ridiculous.

His newest passive aggressive behavior is to use a very uncommon term, (one he hasn’t used in 13 yrs.) for a very common thing, be it a penalty, a point after goal, or what ever.  Of course I’m using the common phrase, and then figuring I missed something, ask him what it is he’s talking about. Then we go round and round and it turns out to be the very thing I said it was to start with.

The latest has been with NASCAR  season starting, we get to talking about the beginning qualifying races that set the field for the Daytona 500. I mention about the first race being the “Bud Shootout”. He says no, the first race is a qualifier and I must have it confused with the “shootout” in hockey. I just knew I was right, and this is something this man has followed like the bible for most of his life.

I went right in to the computer and looked it up. Sure enough, the first race is the Bud ShootOut, then the Gatorade Duals to set the track for Daytona. Until this year, of course. LOL. Now it’s called the “Sprint Unlimited” and the “Bud Duals”. That’s ok. Doesn’t matter. The passive aggressive didn’t know about all the changes yet, so it just goes to show he was just screwing with me to begin with.

I don’t know if after all these years he’s feeling threatened in the one part of the world he was always the expert in or what. I don’t know, maybe he’s afraid he’s losing it. (Have I done that good a job on turning the tables?) Whatever it is, this is the latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior from my PA. Yours trying to play any new tricks on you since you confront him on the others?

 

 

Seeing the Passive Aggressive Through “Sweet” Eyes

I found this this morning, and I thought I would post just in case there is someone out there it may help. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and then I will spill mine.

The Life And Times With A Passive Aggressive

Remember when you were younger and you were planning out your life? You knew what the guy would be like that you were going to marry. You had the wedding all planned long before you met the groom. If you are a man reading this, you probably didn’t look at girls as “wife material” until a little later in life, like adolescents, or after sports in school, etc. We all had an idea of what we would and would not put up with.

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

Logical Thinking: Passive Aggressives (Not)

Hey Everyone! Can’t tell you how much I have missed you! OH MY GOSH! Talk about being in a *#@)*$) mess. LOL.

My usual MO is to answer all the comments first, and then to write a post if I have the energy or the time. Tonight, because it’s been awhile, I’m ranting first, then I will go answer comments, although I did approve the ones that were there so everyone can see them and respond.

For all those who have been with me for awhile, I finally brought my mother home. She went those several months in the hospital where they wanted me to “pull the plug” to rehab, and now she’s here. She’s fine. Her brains are fully (or almost for being 80) in tact, and if they had taken better care of her in the hospital, her body would be better, but we’re working on that.

In the meantime, I am not only living with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but the little old lady (my girlfriend down the street who is also 80) has turned out to be quite the little passive aggressive also.

Am I supposed to be learning something here? LOL. Am I passive aggressive. I don’t think so. I’ve told each of them about their behavior. (Although neither knows about my ranting here. LOL) Is God putting me in Passive Aggressive Hell so I’ll learn more? Is there a lesson I’m not getting? LOL.

The passive aggressive BF is as passive aggressive as always. I have been thinking about a lot of other “fun” things lately, but since I don’t advocate cheating…LOL.

UPDATE:Since first starting this draft-
Actually the way I started this still fits. I figured I better write so everyone knows I’m not dead. LOL. Again I have approved all the comments, and am so glad to see all the help you give each other when I’m missing in action. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. That’s exactly what this blog was supposed to encourage (especially since I don’t have all the answers. LOL).

The incidents of passive aggressive behavior are too numerous to remember, let alone mention when I’m not blogging regularly. I will share one that stands out because it’s been ongoing and came to a head the other day.

We are poor as church mice, as many are these days. The type of job the PABF has, on occasion, has him cleaning floor displays. The company he works for sucks. For example, to celebrate 1 yr. with the company they offered him a buy 1 get 1 free if he bought company shirts. LOL. For the past yr. up until a couple of months ago, he has been taking paper towels and glass cleaner from our house for his job. One day he didn’t have what he needed and low and behold the stores issue him the supplies he needs. He still was taking stuff from the house.

One day I reached for paper towels and there weren’t any. A couple days later I went to get the window cleaner and he had switched an empty bottle for a full one. When I said something to him, he pulled the usual “really? I didn’t even realize I had done that.”

How can you not realize something you physically did like that? When the paper towels went missing again, I asked him what he didn’t understand about his company vs. us paying for his supplies. They only work him part time. His paychecks would be bigger if he was babysitting, and he feels he should pay for supplies? I think not!

Yesterday I brought home a big package of paper towels. My glass cleaner is from Amway, so it’s good stuff. I told him if I saw either one walking out the door whether he realized it or not, I would become violent. LOL. Then he had enough nerve to take offense! Cracks me up.

I know it sounds petty, but that’s how driven to distraction I’ve gotten. LOL. All I hear these days is Dr. Phil in the background going “And how’s that workin’ for you?” Trying to look for logical thinking from a passive aggressive? NOT.

Me, Tony Robbins, And The Passive Aggressive

You read it right. LOL. This post is about me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. No, I wasn’t lucky enough to meet Tony in person like on his show “Breakthrough” or anything like that. I had bought a couple of his tape programs awhile back and was revisiting them. Of course Tony is great in the fact that he believes we need to live with passion, with “juice” as he calls it. One of the sets of tapes I was listening to goes through every aspect of your life, including relationships. Uh-oh.

Being involved with a passive passive aggressive, like many of you in long term relationships with same, there hasn’t been any “passion” here in a long time. Passion kind of flies out the window on the wings of lack of intimacy and affection, or bolts out the door with the lack of responsibility.

I’ve been with my passive aggressive boyfriend for 11 yrs. now. We have had sex once in the last year, probably 2 or 3 times in the last several years. Why? Because I got tired of always being the aggressor and quit.  For him, being passive aggressive, withholding sex is a regular part of their passive aggressive behavior, so it’s no big deal to him. I started this blog saying that I have learned to just “go with the flow” and for where I am and what I’m doing in my life, this hasn’t really bothered me. He doesn’t place a lot of demands on me (although he really does, he just does it covertly), and so it works out well for both of us.

Listening to Tony Robbins about living with passion has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I’ve been doing the exercises for relationships just like I’ve been doing the exercises on Goal Setting or any other part of my life that I’m trying to improve.  This one gets a little tough.

Many of you ask me when you know it’s time to leave the relationship. I’ll tell you I am finding that out first hand the hard way. My first instinct when some of you write what you’re going through, especially if you have children, is to tell you to run as far and as fast as possible for the best exit. Yet I had 3 kids when the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together, although I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until a few years into it. I worry all the time that my son who was the youngest at the time, is passive aggressive. I hope not. But through these exercises I’m learning how tough, but yet how necessary some of these changes may be.

Tony Robbins says some relationships go through 4 killing stages.

  1. The first is “resistance” where your passive aggressive does something that raises the hair on the back of your neck. You wish they wouldn’t do it, but you don’t say anything.
  2. The second is “resentment” where your passive aggressive tells the same old story, or does the same thing you hate over and over, your skin crawls, but you still don’t say anything.
  3. The third is “rejection” where you take all this “stuff” that has been building up, your passive aggressive does something, and you kind of “over react” or find little things to nit-pick about. Tony says by this time we have “stacked” so much stuff and we get really angry. If  you don’t split at this point, then you reach
  4. The fourth thing that will kill a relationship which is repression. This is where I am. I’ve done all three above. This is where, yeah you love him, he’s an okay guy, a great “roommate” but there is no passion, not for the relationship, not for life. There is no fulfillment.

Tony Robbins says you have to get honest about what your goals, values, etc. are and what your mates goals, values are, and if they just are not aligned, you need to do something about it. If your needs aren’t getting met in any area of your life, whether that’s intimacy or responsibilities, or what ever it may be, chances are you are not meeting your mates needs either (of course we all know it’s almost impossible to fill the needs for a passive aggressive). He does say that you just can’t flit from one relationship to another because you can never run away from you, but if you’re in a relationship that is killing your spirit, even though it’s scary, even though it takes courage to step out on your own, if you ever want to have a life that is personally fulfilling and live a life with passion, you need be honest with yourself and with your partner. The life you’re living isn’t fair to either of you. I know I don’t fulfill my passive aggressive’s needs, and I know I do it out of a type of revenge. Really, that’s no way to live life.

I’m working on that. Usually I don’t have such a hard time bringing up things up to him like this, but maybe I’m afraid once I do this time, I might just decide it’s time to let go. Or do I stay because it’s “convenient”?

Why are you still there? or when did you decide it was time to leave? Love to hear how you made the decision. Me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. Will we make it through this one?

 

 

To All The Victims of Passive Aggression…

and the ones who have made it to the other side, thank you! Anyone who has been following or reading my blog has a general idea of what I’ve been going through, between my mother being so ill and having a totally passive aggressive boyfriend. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart, (and that’s not enough to express it), how grateful I am for all your prayers, support and concern. I am afraid I was feeling a little sorry for myself with my last post. Yeah, for all my talk about using humor to live with a passive aggressive, even I can’t find my funny bone sometimes. LOL. I’ll be okay. I’m like one of those clowns that’s full of air. You smack it and it goes down but bounces back up? Remember those? Sometimes that’s how I feel.

My middle daughter was up this week. That helped a lot, although I probably should have prepared her a little better for seeing her grandmother.  She’s a pretty cool person. I was able to vent some, she was very quiet and let me rant, shook her head with understanding at the right times. lol. It’s so hard now to believe we were such bitter enemies when she was in high school.

Had a discussion regarding the finances tonite with the BF. Since he’s just decided to fluff me off and let me worry and handle everything, I’ve decided to give it all to him. I know I warn you all against doing that as you may end up with no electric, etc. but I’m going to let him handle it since he thinks just because he’s up every morning that’s enough. I will do more on my part as far as a regular paycheck (which I thought I had when I sold my mobile home on an installment contract), but I want him to do his part on the worrying. LOL.  We’ll see how this works out.

I’m going to head out for something to eat now, but I just want to thank you all again. I cannot tell you how much you mean to me, and your comments and encouragement remind me of a “second inning rally”. If you ever have loved baseball at all or had a kid who played little league, many times it’s the second inning rally that will win the game. I love you all so much.

Memories of the Passive Aggressive Relationship

Many times what keeps us sucked into a relationship with a passive aggressive are the memories of how it “used to be”.  We remember how things were in the beginning. We remember the person we fell in love with before they started showing their passive aggressive behavior. We keep hoping we can get that person back, recapturing what we’ve lost.

Memories are something that we have for a lifetime.  There are some instances when all we really want to do is forget about the world and move on with our lives.  If you’re thinking about a divorce, this can be the most difficult time of your life and remembering only the good things can make it even more difficult.

Obviously, it will depend on how long you were married as to how many good and bad memories you have. For some people they may be getting divorced after many long years of marriage. For them, they will have had their share of ups and downs and it is important for them to hold onto the good memories so that they can keep a positive attitude towards life.  At the same time, you need to be able to remember the things that have happened that are causing you to think about divorce as a solution in the first place. It is remembering all the passive aggressive behavior, the sabotaging, and making you crazy, that will  help maintain your strength to do what you feel you must.

When you are going through a divorce, it will seem like everything will bring up a familiar memory to you. You will want to make sure that you are going to be able to deal with those times and all the feelings that come along with it.  You may have to find a way to cope with them and get past the things that remind you of the ‘good old days’.

There are many times when you are going to have these feelings of old memories come rushing back. You will have the comfort of these memories as long as you are able to control the way that they make you feel. You want to be able to keep these memories in the back of your mind but you also want to be able to get past the bad feelings that some of these memories can leave for you.

If you are looking to try and forget the memories of your life that you had before your divorce, it may be an uphill battle. It can be pretty tough to wipe a shared lifetime out of your mind and heart. You do not want to forget the good times that you have endured especially if those memories included children. At the same time, you want to be able to look back on those times with happiness and not be disappointed or upset by them.

You should remember that you will have many new memories to make for yourself and your family. You want to take comfort in the fact that you still have a life to live and you want to make the most of the life that you have now. You want to go on and continue to enjoy the good things in life as much as you can. In time, you will find it easier to let go of the past and get started with the new beginning that you are about to go through.

The hardest thing that you can do is shut out the memories that you have created with someone that you loved even if now you are no longer in love with that person.  You will want to grow with these memories and find ways to accept the fact that the past is gone. You now have to live for the future and what it holds in store for you.  A divorce is not the end of the world should you decide to go that way. You will just have to find ways to move past the hurt and get to the good stuff that lies ahead.

How do you handle the memories associated with your passive aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? Have you aligned yourself with the fact that the “way it was” may not ever be again “the way it is”?

Okay, So Answer Me This Mr. Passive Aggressive

Okay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive, how come every night that I come out to have dinner with you and watch TV with you, you have to go to bed by about 9:15 pm, but if I’m not out there, you last until after 10:00 pm? Could it be you want me to feel sorry for you now that you’re working? Or is it some kind of revenge? Or is it you don’t like my company, even though you turn up the sound on the programs you know I like just to draw me out of the office? When I bring it up, you deny there being any thought or feeling about it what so ever. How should I take this? Is it truly a coincidence? Or is it true passive aggressive behaviorOkay, so answer me this Mr. Passive Aggressive…

10 Questions- Living With A PA- Part 2

As promised, here’s my “Part 2” to the “10 Questions- How Do You Live With a Passive Aggressive?”

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future? Doing as I am not, living with but apart from him. I like to do a lot of things, many of which he doesn’t care for. He also doesn’t like to leave the house much when he’s off work. I see go out with friends once in awhile, am becoming more involved with the church, etc.

7)  Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be? The only special “understanding” I have is knowing what causes passive aggressive behavior and the common traits. As far as any special “power” I probably have the same “special power” any woman has over a man, sex. LOL. While he may not ever reach for me, he’s never pushed me away.

8)And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth? I maintain a lot of friendships, and I’m not very needy. I have my work that I’m very involved in and I’m always starting new projects or working on cleaning up old ones.

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving). I wouldn’t call it a weakness really. I would say his loyalty, knowing that he would never cheat on me or leave me, that I don’t have to worry about him. I also know that even with the lack of true affection, intimacy, and emotional connection the way we think of emotionally connecting, he would be devastated if I were to leave or throw him out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two? I see us continuing on as roommates into old age. In the beginning I had wanted very much to marry him. Now, even tho we live together I wouldn’t marry him on a bet. LOL. Although if we stay together through “older age”, at some point it may be advantageous for us to get married from a legal, health, or tax standpoint. Marriage does have some privileges. As far as my “needs”, I’ll probably just stay buried in the stuff outside of us rather than in us. I still enjoy his company for the most part, and when we do go out together we have a good time. That’s good for me for now.

There you go. My answers and I’m “sticking to them”. LOL. I welcome all comments so feel free.

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