The Female Passive Aggressive

female PA  I don’t get a lot of comments from men here, but I think it’s  definitely worth a mentioning. We don’t have to be romantically involved for a female’s passive aggressiveness to affect us. We have passive aggressive mothers, sisters, girlfriends.

I do have to say though, that I find the m.o. of a female passive aggressive vs. what we women go through with our male passive aggressives, to be quite devastating for the average man.

Now, that’s not to say what happens with women isn’t devastating, but somehow I think we are more equipped to handle what is happening. As women, we get right down to the research, reach out to others for support and understanding. Men aren’t used to working like that, so they have more of a tendency to keep what they are going through private, thus not taking advantage of what support systems they may be able to utilize.

A big disadvantage the man has is that most of them have never understood women period, let alone a passive aggressive woman. Most of them succumb to tears, temper tantrums, because they have no idea what else to do. This makes at least these two expressions of emotion great manipulative tools for a passive aggressive female.

There are two cases I know of that are almost identical. One is from a mother-in-law’s point of view regarding her daughter-in-law, and the other is from a dear friend of mine who got involved with a passive aggressive female a couple of years ago, and hasn’t been sane since. LOL.

In both cases the passive aggressive females had been abandoned by their mothers at a rather early age. One was raised by her relatives, the other by an alcoholic father who decided he really couldn’t take care of her, and abandoned her also. Needless to say, when it came to nurturing, neither of these women received what they needed.

In both cases, neither of the passive aggressive females will go to counseling. My friend’s girlfriend agreed at first (I think just for posterity) but then seemed to keep coming up with excuses not to go.  The therapist ended up quitting on them as she never knew if they were going to show up or not.  Both women seem to be “not” dealing with abandonment issues and are quite needy because of it.

What’s funny to me, is my friend even calls his relationship “crazy-making”, understands that his girlfriend is passive aggressive in “some ways”, but really doesn’t get how incurable it is, especially when she doesn’t want to address any of her issues.

In both cases the passive aggressive female, like the passive aggressive male counterpart, wants to cut off all outside relationships their spouses or Significant Others have. My friend who is a mother-in-law, is lucky if she ever sees her grandchildren. Her son has been so manipulated by his passive aggressive wife, he hardly has anything to do with his mother. When he does, many times it’s backing up his wife’s passive aggressive behavior, hurting his mother even more.  The other passive aggressive female has been trying to build a wedge between my male friend and his mother almost since the very beginning of their relationship. His mother is quite elderly, and he has a very real sense of responsibility toward his mother, so his girlfriend is finding that relationship a little harder to break up.

He and I don’t hardly speak anymore because she was threatened by our relationship.  Passive aggressives usually understand they are being unreasonable and don’t want their spouses or Significant Others talking about their relationship with anyone else. In my male friend’s case, his girlfriend said he should be talking to her instead of me about the things that bother him, which I agree if that’s possible. Yet when he tries, she goes into a huge crying jag, or a screaming match. Then she totally breaks all communication stating if they can’t have the perfect “fairytale” relationship, they shouldn’t have any at all. After 3 yrs. I’m hoping my friend is starting to see that he may be better off letting her go to find that kind of romance, instead of being the brunt of everything bad that ever happens.  There is no way he can ever win with her.

Unfortunately, in both these cases, all the people on the outside can do while getting their hearts broken, is wait for the one in the relationship, be it son, friend, brother, etc., is wait until they’ve finally had enough. As we can see from how long passive aggressive relationships can last just from reading the comments on this blog, that could be a very long time.

 

New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

t-shirtHere I am starting the New Year with the same old passive aggressive boyfriend. Like many, I have made my New Year’s Resolutions (although I prefer to look at them as “goals” instead of “resolutions”, hoping that will help me keep them longer). I have also seen where many people declare either a word or a “theme” to live by for the New Year.

I have decided I think, my word or theme shall be “Self”. I am going to be: a little more “Self-loving”, not beat myself up for how other people, namely the passive aggressive, choose to live. I choose to embrace the “three C’s” of Al-Anon which are: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

I plan to be a little more “Self-Indulgent”. Get out and start doing a lot more of the things I like to do and seeing more of the people I want to see.

Being more “Self-Reliant”. When the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together so many years ago, he said he believed the man should do the “man things” of the household like take out trash, do the yard work, etc.  As a response to that, I have found through the years that I have allowed myself to rely on him to do a lot of things I really could do myself. When he doesn’t do them, as we all know most passive aggressives won’t do something when you are relying on them to do it, I would get upset.

I have informed my dear passive aggressive boyfriend that this year, I shall not ask him to do anything I cannot do myself. This will benefit me two-fold. I won’t have to end up being a nag (which I have hated being put in that position), and I won’t keep upsetting myself when he doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do.

On the things I really do want the passive aggressive to do, I ask him every day to please “don’t forget to…” right now, it’s drain the water heater. I have been asking him for almost a week. I haven’t decided on whether I will warn him I am about to “lose it” if he doesn’t get it done, or I’ll just ask him how many more days he thinks I’ll have to remind him before he’ll do it.

Last, but not least, is “Self-Control”. I am taking control of myself. My life, as much as humanly possible. My self-defeating attitudes, spending more time looking at the positives. There are some positives, just most of the time what those are seem to escape me. LOL.

2013 was a very enlightening year for me. I had a melanoma removed, which lucky for me hadn’t spread. I had an EKG which told my doctor I had had a heart attack at some point, though I didn’t know it. (I hadn’t been to a doctor for an actual check-up or anything since about 2000). I feel like I actually got a second chance, or two second chances, to live. This year I will live healthier, count my blessings more, and learn once again to appreciate who I am.

What’s your plan for 2014? What are you going to do in the New Year with the same old passive aggressive? Or maybe your plan is to prepare not start next year the same way?

A Passive Aggressive’s Best Friend: The Excuse

planbNotice: Before I get started, I would just like to say for those of you that comment with some elaborate story on how your love life fell apart and you lost your spouse/partner/dog, until you went to some “Spellcaster” and now you’re living happily ever after, don’t bother. I have to approve all comments and I can spot affiliate advertising a mile away. All those comments go right to the trash. If I have readers who actually believe in that stuff, I’m sure they are already Googling it.

It never ceases to amaze me the excuses of the passive aggressive for not doing something. Some things I have been asking my passive aggressive boyfriend to do around here for a solid 2 yrs. I don’t know if he’s run out of excuses and that’s why he’s developed this new technique or what.

Now when I ask him if he thinks he’ll have time to get to such and such, his new thing is “I was going to do that in the morning” or “I was going to do that when it wasn’t so hot” or what ever other “I was going to…” he can come up with.  One day I just said to him “Isn’t it uncanny how our two minds work exactly the same all these times I ask you about taking care of something, and you are always just going to get to it. It’s amazing!”

Sometimes I feel like if I here “I was just gonna do that” one more time, my head will explode! LOL.

Now mind you, my passive aggressive is totally retired and has absolutely no schedule for anything. He reads the paper, does the crossword, and watches whatever sports or sports highlights he can find on TV.  We moved here two years ago, and he hasn’t worked a day, and we are finally down to one moving box that still needs to be broken down and put out for recycling.

I think I get the most bitter about his passive aggressive excuses or not doing something, when it’s something to do with my safety or taking care of me. The headlights on our car were aimed too far down and at night they didn’t illuminate much of the road. We live in a place with no streetlights. I was coming home from a weekly bible study and could have killed myself due to the lack of vision. I had to actually nag and get angry almost everyday to get the passive aggressive to take some action and fix them. It’s times like that that make me realize he really doesn’t care anything about what happens to me.

What kind of excuses for the passive aggressive’s procrastination do you get around your house? Oh yeah, “I forgot” is still prevalent here. LOL

Changes In The Passive Aggressive Household 2013

celebrate 2013Happy New Year everyone! I hope most of you made it through the holidays unscathed and are now ready to take control of yourself (your life) if nothing else. Something about a new slate for a new year definitely renews the energy, even if it has been several new slates over several new years. Even after all this time, I still have hope. LOL. As Joyce Meyers says “Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, but sooner or later you’re going to have to mow that lawn too.”

Things are about the same with the passive aggressive boyfriend around here. Same little petty stuff. Same passive aggressive behavior. I have gotten much better on calling him on the just so stupid, really blatant stuff. It doesn’t change a whole lot, but he knows I know, and he hasn’t gotten anything over on  me. Some of the things he was soooo blatant on, he’s been trying to correct and not be so obvious, but you know what they say about a lepeord changing his spots. LOL.

I don’t know what the outcome will be from this, but I have turned over the household finances to him. Yep. It’s time the passive aggressive got to stress and worry and figure it out, just like I have all these years. I hear a few of you out there who have “been there, done that” and ended up with a disaster on your hands, but I’m quite optimistic.

Since the passive aggressive is back on unemployment, our great state in all it’s wisdom puts his unemployment money on an ATM card for him instead of mailing a check. Shortly after he got his first money put on the card, I couldn’t help but notice that he hoarded that card as if it was gold plated. That gave me the perfect opportunity to hand over the bills that needed to be paid.

We all know what it’s like to get a passive aggressive spouse, boyfriend, or whatever, do something they don’t want to do. We have been going on this way for about 3 or 4 months now, yet every month I have to “teach” him how to pay each bill. Of course I know the typical passive aggressive behavior would be that he’ll “misplace” bills, forget to pay them, etc. I have an answer for that. The PA knows I keep an index file for tax purposes, so when he pays each bill, he brings me the receipts. If I give him the bills and I don’t get a receipt within a couple of days, I start asking for it. Trust me, there’s a lot less stress just asking for the receipts than it was shuffling everything around. Plus I have a bonus. Because he won’t let go of the card, he grocery shops and cooks most of the time.  SCORE! LOL.

Ok, your turn. How were your holidays (if you celebrate). Rant if you need to. What do you plan for 2013. I changed the poll over on the right hand side.  The answers to the last poll were:

Why Do You Stay W/A PA?

Love  30.14%  (88 votes)

Parent  15.75%  (46 votes)

Finances  38.36%  (112 votes)

health  1.37%  (4 votes)

fear  14.38%  (42 votes)
Total Votes: 292

 

13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

celebrating our anniversary

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

Moving Along, Dragging the Passive Aggressive Behind Me

Since last updating, I am practicing what I was preaching. Still working on taxes, I have been going to the gym about every other day and then taking a dip in the pool, which is just like heaven to me. For about an hour or so fitness is all I think about, or I take my cassette player and earphones and listen to something uplifting while I work out. Either way, I’m not thinking about him or us. I’m also fortunate in the way that I have a good friend that sort of holds me accountable, even tho he’s far away, so that gives me even more motivation.

Which speaking of “us”, there really isn’t much of an “us” anymore. We are definitely just roommates trying to survive. The Passive aggressive has the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. I still look over his shoulder every time he gets the mail as I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’ve grown weary of his passive aggressive surprises.

The PA finally got an unemployment payment. They’re set up on debit cards now instead of getting a check. When the PA boyfriend got his debit card, it didn’t tell him how much was on there. He needed to activate the card and then he could check his balance. I asked him a couple of times to verify that he got paid for both weeks and he hadn’t done it, so I gathered together the bills that were due immediately, told him he needed to put $20. in the checking account to cover a check I had written, and dumped everything in his passive aggressive lap.

I felt so good doing that, that for the first time in ages I had so much energy I couldn’t figure out where it all came from. I didn’t even need a nap that day and went until about 11:00 that night. Of course I had to teach him how to pay a couple of things, but that was okay. I was out from under everything. We’ve had a little discussion since then and he says “we only have so much money left. We can’t pay blah, blah”. I said “Welcome to my world! Guess you better figure it out.” It’s so nice not being the only one to worry about this stuff!

The PA did go for a job interview the other day. As always, he thought it went well. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall during one of these interviews. I often wonder if the PA tells the interviewer the same types of things he tells me, “I’ve never done that before”-type crap. I’ve gotten now where whenever he says that I just tell him “Doesn’t mean you can’t do it”. Positive thoughts and prayers for him getting hired would be appreciated.

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

tasThe other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

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