Changes In The Passive Aggressive Household 2013

Happy New Year everyone! I hope most of you made it through the holidays unscathed and are now ready to take control of yourself (your life) if nothing else. Something about a new slate for a new year definitely renews the energy, even if it has been several new slates over several new years. Even after all this time, I still have hope. LOL. As Joyce Meyers says “Sure the grass looks greener on the other side, but sooner or later you’re going to have to mow that lawn too.”

Things are about the same with the passive aggressive boyfriend around here. Same little petty stuff. Same passive aggressive behavior. I have gotten much better on calling him on the just so stupid, really blatant stuff. It doesn’t change a whole lot, but he knows I know, and he hasn’t gotten anything over on  me. Some of the things he was soooo blatant on, he’s been trying to correct and not be so obvious, but you know what they say about a lepeord changing his spots. LOL.

I don’t know what the outcome will be from this, but I have turned over the household finances to him. Yep. It’s time the passive aggressive got to stress and worry and figure it out, just like I have all these years. I hear a few of you out there who have “been there, done that” and ended up with a disaster on your hands, but I’m quite optimistic.

Since the passive aggressive is back on unemployment, our great state in all it’s wisdom puts his unemployment money on an ATM card for him instead of mailing a check. Shortly after he got his first money put on the card, I couldn’t help but notice that he hoarded that card as if it was gold plated. That gave me the perfect opportunity to hand over the bills that needed to be paid.

We all know what it’s like to get a passive aggressive spouse, boyfriend, or whatever, do something they don’t want to do. We have been going on this way for about 3 or 4 months now, yet every month I have to “teach” him how to pay each bill. Of course I know the typical passive aggressive behavior would be that he’ll “misplace” bills, forget to pay them, etc. I have an answer for that. The PA knows I keep an index file for tax purposes, so when he pays each bill, he brings me the receipts. If I give him the bills and I don’t get a receipt within a couple of days, I start asking for it. Trust me, there’s a lot less stress just asking for the receipts than it was shuffling everything around. Plus I have a bonus. Because he won’t let go of the card, he grocery shops and cooks most of the time.  SCORE! LOL.

Ok, your turn. How were your holidays (if you celebrate). Rant if you need to. What do you plan for 2013. I changed the poll over on the right hand side.  The answers to the last poll were:

Why Do You Stay W/A PA?

Love  30.14%  (88 votes)

Parent  15.75%  (46 votes)

Finances  38.36%  (112 votes)

health  1.37%  (4 votes)

fear  14.38%  (42 votes)
Total Votes: 292

 

13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

Moving Along, Dragging the Passive Aggressive Behind Me

Since last updating, I am practicing what I was preaching. Still working on taxes, I have been going to the gym about every other day and then taking a dip in the pool, which is just like heaven to me. For about an hour or so fitness is all I think about, or I take my cassette player and earphones and listen to something uplifting while I work out. Either way, I’m not thinking about him or us. I’m also fortunate in the way that I have a good friend that sort of holds me accountable, even tho he’s far away, so that gives me even more motivation.

Which speaking of “us”, there really isn’t much of an “us” anymore. We are definitely just roommates trying to survive. The Passive aggressive has the bedroom, I sleep on the couch. I still look over his shoulder every time he gets the mail as I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’ve grown weary of his passive aggressive surprises.

The PA finally got an unemployment payment. They’re set up on debit cards now instead of getting a check. When the PA boyfriend got his debit card, it didn’t tell him how much was on there. He needed to activate the card and then he could check his balance. I asked him a couple of times to verify that he got paid for both weeks and he hadn’t done it, so I gathered together the bills that were due immediately, told him he needed to put $20. in the checking account to cover a check I had written, and dumped everything in his passive aggressive lap.

I felt so good doing that, that for the first time in ages I had so much energy I couldn’t figure out where it all came from. I didn’t even need a nap that day and went until about 11:00 that night. Of course I had to teach him how to pay a couple of things, but that was okay. I was out from under everything. We’ve had a little discussion since then and he says “we only have so much money left. We can’t pay blah, blah”. I said “Welcome to my world! Guess you better figure it out.” It’s so nice not being the only one to worry about this stuff!

The PA did go for a job interview the other day. As always, he thought it went well. I’d give anything to be a fly on the wall during one of these interviews. I often wonder if the PA tells the interviewer the same types of things he tells me, “I’ve never done that before”-type crap. I’ve gotten now where whenever he says that I just tell him “Doesn’t mean you can’t do it”. Positive thoughts and prayers for him getting hired would be appreciated.

Therapist Advice And Passive Aggressive Relationships

The other day when I posted the video at “Seeing The Passive Aggressive Through Sweet Eyes” I asked for some feedback. Actually, your reaction was much better than I thought it would be. When I first saw it, it just got me angry.

The first thing I thought was it was obvious this woman had never been deeply involved with a passive aggressive spouse or passive aggressive boyfriend for any length of time. For those of you just starting out in a relationship with a passive aggressive, you might try following her advice. Maybe you’ll be one of the ones it works for. As one comment said something along the lines of ‘he has to be willing to follow the same rules’.

My second thought was, if this is the kind of advice you’re getting from your therapist, it’s time to find a new therapist. I can sit down with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but get him to talk for 10 minutes, no way! Now, he will let me rant and rave for as long as I like, but for him to actually converse is another story. I can’t repeat back to him what he’s saying because nothing gets said.

She also doesn’t address the fact that many passive aggressive spouses do nothing but “accuse”. I guess that would be the time you use one of her ‘stock statements’ “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I do realize many of you have spouses that are more aggressive than passive, so maybe, if you haven’t tried this already, which I have a feeling most of you probably have, you might try it now. If nothing else, when you start repeating back to him “So you think I _______”, you may at least temporarily throw him/her off his/her game.

For me, knowing what real passive aggressive relationships are like, I have to admit, I just thought it was a load of phooey. LOL.

Seeing the Passive Aggressive Through “Sweet” Eyes

I found this this morning, and I thought I would post just in case there is someone out there it may help. I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and then I will spill mine.

Random Thoughts (About the Passive Aggressive) For the New Year

In the midst of trying to find a new place to live by the end of this month, I haven’t been writing much, but do come through and approve the comments so they can be seen, and thank you all so much for the help you give each other.

My oldest daughter was up for a visit after the holiday. We were talking about the passive aggressive boyfriend when she asked me “Don’t you think you’re a little passive aggressive also?”

I said “I’m sure I am to a certain extent. It rubs off on you, you know”. LOL

Thinking about moving, normally I would think this would be a great time for the passive aggressive and I to part ways. Unfortunately, due to finances we will be going together. I have been asking all along how he felt about where to move to and couldn’t get anything out of him. I finally told him I thought we would move closer to my kids (8 hours away) since he doesn’t keep in touch with his kids (2 hours away) anyway. That finally got an opinion out of him. Supposedly he really loves where we are, and we should look here first.

If anyone doesn’t know from my writing, or my answers to some of the comments, I am a Christian. (I try to get better at it all the time. LOL). My passive aggressive and I have been “living together” for 11 yrs. Since all we are is platonic roommates, are we still “living in sin”? Question for my Pastor I guess.

Rereading the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” these days. Like many of you I found myself in a rather deep depression with very defeatist thoughts. It’s time to lift my spirit back up to where it belongs, remind myself of all I’m capable of.

Thinking of moving this blog. WordPress is very restrictive on what it will and will not allow. I’m thinking about just buying my blog name in a domain name and moving it to a different server. Then people would just type in the name of the blog without the “wordpress” .com. What do you think? I know I would lose some people, which I would hate, but it would be a rather slow transition so people would know where we moved to to continue the conversation.

So how is your New Year starting out? Anyone make any life changing desicions? We have a whole clean slate out ahead of us. Let’s see what we can make of it!

Are 40 Million Americans Passive Aggressive?

Thanks to LayoutSparks.com

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80′s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

Problem Solving With The Passive Aggressive

Problem solving with the passive aggressive, their answer? Wait long enough someone or something else will take care of it.

I just realized looking at my posting, it seems my life has so gotten in the way that I’ve only been posting about once a month lately, although I have approved comments and made some comments of my own more often than that. I cannot believe how life just passes one by so fast, and so much time I can never get back.

Hear that people? Every day that you spend being miserable is a day you will never get back! Scary thought isn’t it? Especially when you think about the fact that we all have an “expiration date” even if we don’t know when it is. What would you do if the date on the bottom of your foot was, oh let’s say, 9/15/2011 (because we know almost everything is the first, the middle, or the end of the month. LOL)?

Okay, so on with what I was here to talk about. (I am still here, lurking in the shadows, paying attention. Oh, wait a minute, that sounds kind of creepy. LOL)

For those of you who had read my post about “How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?” about my passive aggressive boyfriend not telling me for 11 yrs. that he was still married, that problem has been solved.

I wish I could say by him, but that’s not the case. He, in his typical passive aggressive behavior fashion, never did a thing to set things right after I found out the truth. Unfortunately, his wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s at a memorial for her today. I say unfortunately because I actually liked her. I knew her before I knew he and her even knew each other, let alone had been married. I would have gone also, but I have a lady I watch out for that was expected home from the hospital today, and I have my mother here with me, which I could not leave for that extended length of time. One of the reasons they had split was because she had cheated on him, amongst other things. I have since learned a couple of other females he had been very involved with had left also. While anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows I don’t condone cheating, with “walking in her shoes” I do understand it.

He has told his kids he needs a copy of the death certificate. My curiosity has me wondering what he plans to do with it. I am surprised he even thought enough to do that. As you all know, the passive aggressive doesn’t usually think that far ahead.

Now, where do I stand? Do I want to marry him if he should be dumb enough to ask? The answer would be an obvious “no”. It’s too late now. He should have married me before I put the “I can see you’re very passive aggressive” glasses on. LOL. (The rose-colored ones wore out).

But, at the same time, I’m having a hard time because I’ve been “living in sin” for 11 yrs. At the same time, we don’t have sex, rarely even sleep in the same bed, so is that the same as really “living in sin”? I’ve told him and you how we’re really just roommates. (If you live with someone and you’re not married, I am not against that. I am not judging anyone here. This is my own thing). Who would really be dumb enough to actually marry a passive aggressive when they know that’s what they are? NOT! LOL.

So we go on as we are, until things are situated and he can go his way and I can go mine. Like many of you who feel trapped by finances, etc. I understand completely, but he does know, or at least I’ve told him, once things are taken care of, we’re done. In the meantime he buries his proverbial passive aggressive head in the sand as if everything is just fine.

What worries me is there are a couple of things I have to count on him for, so will he make excuses because he knows that? Or will he try harder hoping to make up for the passive aggressive behavior in the past? So far it’s not looking so good. LOL

I Love A Passive Aggressive BACKFIRE! LOL.

I love a passive aggressive “backfire”. You know, when they do something subtle to irritate us and then it gets them in the end? I have to say it’s really a shame when your life has resorted to such small victories (which mine has), but I love it all the same. LOL.

Last night watching the ball game, the passive aggressive boyfriend says something about the pitcher’s ERA. I said “Now if he could hit” which I’ve heard him say a million times in the last 10+ yrs. He either says that, or if the pitcher is a good hitter, he says “pitchers aren’t supposed to be able to hit” all surprised.

So last night he tells me what I said had nothing to do with what he said and starts explaining to me what the ERA is. I have been watching baseball with him for over 10 yrs. and he always said how he couldn’t believe how “you get it”. Now he acts like I’m an imbecile and he needs to explain.

So, I said I know what an ERA is, if he had said it it would have been fine, but because I said it it “has nothing to do with what he’s talking about”. I gathered my stuff and went to the bedroom to watch TV.

I usually go to be later than he does, so I kept watching what I had started. Our light switch for the 2 lights, one on each side of the bed is on the way into the bedroom.(I know, it’s goofy, but that’s how it is. It’s in the hall.) Normal people would leave the switch on all the time and control the lights by the switch on each one of them. I tried that when we first moved here, but he insisted on trying to control them by the switch, so I gave up.

Last night I had turned the switch on which turned on both lights. That’s how the passive aggressive boyfriend has been using them. When he came to bed, instead of turning the lights out by the switch, he turned off his by the light. Instead of getting up to turn them off at the switch, I turned mine off by the light.

Tonight he went to bed, switched on the switch in the hall, and nothing happened. I watched him switch it off and on a few times before I finally told him why it wasn’t working. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. It’s little, stupid stuff, is why I love when a passive aggressive tactic backfires! LOL.

I need to pay more attention here. I used to write in the mornings when I was fresh and clear, but my mornings have been taken over, so I check in later at night. It took me a few minutes just to get rid of all the spam. Some of it is downright good until I see who is sending it, then I know it’s a ploy. For the rest of you who have been waiting patiently while I approve your comments, thank you so much for your patience, and I am so sorry that it took so long.

God bless you all as I don’t know what I would have done without you all the times I’ve needed to rant or rave and you’re always here for support. Will be better about giving back. Love you.

Logical Thinking: Passive Aggressives (Not)

Hey Everyone! Can’t tell you how much I have missed you! OH MY GOSH! Talk about being in a *#@)*$) mess. LOL.

My usual MO is to answer all the comments first, and then to write a post if I have the energy or the time. Tonight, because it’s been awhile, I’m ranting first, then I will go answer comments, although I did approve the ones that were there so everyone can see them and respond.

For all those who have been with me for awhile, I finally brought my mother home. She went those several months in the hospital where they wanted me to “pull the plug” to rehab, and now she’s here. She’s fine. Her brains are fully (or almost for being 80) in tact, and if they had taken better care of her in the hospital, her body would be better, but we’re working on that.

In the meantime, I am not only living with my passive aggressive boyfriend, but the little old lady (my girlfriend down the street who is also 80) has turned out to be quite the little passive aggressive also.

Am I supposed to be learning something here? LOL. Am I passive aggressive. I don’t think so. I’ve told each of them about their behavior. (Although neither knows about my ranting here. LOL) Is God putting me in Passive Aggressive Hell so I’ll learn more? Is there a lesson I’m not getting? LOL.

The passive aggressive BF is as passive aggressive as always. I have been thinking about a lot of other “fun” things lately, but since I don’t advocate cheating…LOL.

UPDATE:Since first starting this draft-
Actually the way I started this still fits. I figured I better write so everyone knows I’m not dead. LOL. Again I have approved all the comments, and am so glad to see all the help you give each other when I’m missing in action. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. That’s exactly what this blog was supposed to encourage (especially since I don’t have all the answers. LOL).

The incidents of passive aggressive behavior are too numerous to remember, let alone mention when I’m not blogging regularly. I will share one that stands out because it’s been ongoing and came to a head the other day.

We are poor as church mice, as many are these days. The type of job the PABF has, on occasion, has him cleaning floor displays. The company he works for sucks. For example, to celebrate 1 yr. with the company they offered him a buy 1 get 1 free if he bought company shirts. LOL. For the past yr. up until a couple of months ago, he has been taking paper towels and glass cleaner from our house for his job. One day he didn’t have what he needed and low and behold the stores issue him the supplies he needs. He still was taking stuff from the house.

One day I reached for paper towels and there weren’t any. A couple days later I went to get the window cleaner and he had switched an empty bottle for a full one. When I said something to him, he pulled the usual “really? I didn’t even realize I had done that.”

How can you not realize something you physically did like that? When the paper towels went missing again, I asked him what he didn’t understand about his company vs. us paying for his supplies. They only work him part time. His paychecks would be bigger if he was babysitting, and he feels he should pay for supplies? I think not!

Yesterday I brought home a big package of paper towels. My glass cleaner is from Amway, so it’s good stuff. I told him if I saw either one walking out the door whether he realized it or not, I would become violent. LOL. Then he had enough nerve to take offense! Cracks me up.

I know it sounds petty, but that’s how driven to distraction I’ve gotten. LOL. All I hear these days is Dr. Phil in the background going “And how’s that workin’ for you?” Trying to look for logical thinking from a passive aggressive? NOT.