Judge Judy’s Favorite New Words: Passive Aggressive

Hi at long last to everyone. Sorry to have been away so long. I think I’ve basically been holding my own ‘pity-party’ for awhile and just didn’t feel like talking. It’s not like all the passive aggressives just went out of my life, LOL, just been rather isolated and dealing with a new set of problems. But I’m here now, have approved all the comments so they could be seen. Deleted some 1653 spam entries (holy cow!), and am ready to move on.

I love watching ‘The People’s Court’ and ‘Judge Judy’ on TV. Even though Judy can be a real witch, I like her no-nonsense approach to the law. Same with Judge Milian, “the hottest judge on television” LOL.

I would have to disagree with one of Judy’s favorite sayings is “that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true”. Well, she obviously hasn’t lived a life like mine, because my saying is more like “truth is stranger than fiction. I can’t make this stuff up!”

Lately, on Judge Judy’s new court cases (she does have a lot of re-runs), I’ve noticed her describing some of her plaintiffs/defendants attitudes as ‘passive aggressive‘. It’s like she has just discovered it. She must have said that to at least 3 different people in the cases she handled last week.

Of course, every time I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. Maybe for all the years people have been tossing the words around, knowledge of it is going to make it into the mainstream. Passive aggressiveness has always been treated sort of like people that are mentally abused in any way, like it’s all made up. I believe it is because people are uneducated. Unless people have been there themselves, there is no way they can understand.

I got such a kick out of Judge Judy’s favorite new words being ‘passive aggressive’ I just had to share. LOL.

The Life And Times With A Passive Aggressive

Remember when you were younger and you were planning out your life? You knew what the guy would be like that you were going to marry. You had the wedding all planned long before you met the groom. If you are a man reading this, you probably didn’t look at girls as “wife material” until a little later in life, like adolescents, or after sports in school, etc. We all had an idea of what we would and would not put up with.

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

Leaving A Passive Aggressive: In A Song

I saw her perform this on the CMA’s last night and thought it was excellent for us.  The song is “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans. The words are below the video.

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of pain, but I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess, and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin’ in the car to work, and I’m tryin’ to ignore the hurt. So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you. I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it. I’m gettin’ a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you turn around and a month’s gone by, And you realize you haven’t cried. I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer. I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Gettin’ along without you baby, I’m better off without you baby, How does it feel without me baby? I’m gettin’ stronger without you baby. And I’m done hopin’ that we could

With A Passive Aggressive, Can It Hurt More?

I have wondered, when you’re living with a passive aggressive, could it ever hurt more? I am here to say, YES!

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the long sebatical, but I am working in an office with no door, and it is friggin’ cold! LOL. I do my best in the morning, like early morning, and it was either totally raining or totally freezing here. LOL

But I’m back now, and I’ve wondered on occasion what could hurt worse than what I’m going through with the passive aggressive boyfriend?

What can hurt worse than suffering alone, is suffering with a friend that really doesn’t get it.

I got a lecture last night from a girlfriend of mine on how I should be running the men in my life or getting rid of them. I wanted so much to tell her “don’t you think I know that?”  But I am in a position that so many of you are. Sometimes it just takes cash.

So, I will live with what I have to according to what I want to accomplish. I just hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship first. Don’t tell me what an ass my boyfriend is. I already get that. Just show me how to get out of the situation I’m in based on my circumstances, then we will have something worth talking about. In the meantime, please don’t befriend him like he’s the best thing that ever walked the earth. That doesn’t help me.

To all of you out there that feel so helpless living with a passive aggressive, for what ever reason you’re in the situation you’re in and feel like you can’t get out, there is always a way out. You can find yours, as well as I will find mine.

What Would A Passive Aggressive Father Do?

broken familiesIf you are married to a passive aggressive and are “staying together for the sake of the children”, you may want to read this.  I would venture to say that most families with a passive aggressive parent eventually implode, or explode, but rarely come out well adjusted. Of course I would like to again state here for the record, I am not a therapist or doctor of any kind, and I do not have the statistics to back me up, but I am very opinionated. LOL.

So, what would a passive aggressive father do if he was about to watch his kid jump off  a cliff? You would hope the passive aggressive father would stop the child, right? Isn’t that what any normal parent would do? In the case of a passive aggressive parent, I’m not so sure.

I wrote about one of my passive aggressive boyfriend’s sons in “Passive Aggressive Offspring” the last time I posted. Unfortunately that situation has only gotten worse. He’s up half the night and sleeps half the day. He lives by the TV in the living room as we have no where else to put him right now.

Last week we were supposed to go somewhere and get something done early, say around 9:00am. He had been up about 10 min. after 8:00, and his alarm or phone had gone off a little while after that, and all he did was cover up and go back to sleep. This son is a grown man. Naturally when he did that, I assumed he changed his mind about going with me and I let him sleep. When he finally got up that afternoon, he asked if I had gone without him. When I said I had, he said how I could have got him up. I explained to him that he’s 41 yrs. old. I assumed if he wanted to get up he would have.

There was some excuse for the next couple of days as well. Finally on Saturday when his father was home, I mentioned to my PA boyfriend about getting this thing done. He said he would wake his son up “pretty soon”. By 9:30 am when I had come back from taking care of a couple of other things, the BF said he had awakened him, but I still wasn’t seeing any signs of life. It took until almost noon to finally get going. Obviously I was the only one concerned that the other people involved were doing us a favor, and we might be imposing the longer we waited.

My girlfriend is getting terribly frustrated because I haven’t done anything about it. On top of that, he’s about drank her out of house and home. The father knows all about this, but says nothing. It’s not my son. Why should I be left to do the dirty work? Why do I put up with it? Because he’s been doing us a favor with some work we need done. Would it be different if it were my kid? Oh definitely!

Now it seems that the youngest is on a rampage. He has been getting out of control on alcohol, and been terribly abusive to his mother. The last time he got drunk (and possibly drugged up) he stole his brother’s car and was verbally abusive to his sister-in-law. Their mother has been in really poor health for awhile now, and this added stress has got to be taking it’s toll. Unfortunately the mother just calls the two other sons to do something instead of doing something (like calling the police) herself.

I asked my BF if he didn’t feel like he should talk to the boy, since he was now being so abusive to the mother. The boy’s wife has already thrown him out for abusing her more than once. He said yes he would, unbeknownst to me already having this little talk with his other son already. Will he? It’s been 4 days, 2 of that being a weekend when the boyfriend was off work, and he hasn’t made the call yet.

Like I said, what would a passive aggressive father do if he saw his child about to jump off a cliff? Who knows?

I Saw This Posted-

Just thought I would share. Just a little note against domestic violence.

While you scream at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could whisper in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, & insult her, there’s a man flirting with her & reminding her how beautiful she is. While you hurt her, there’s a man wishing he could take her pain away. While you…make your woman cry, there’s a man stealing smiles from her………!!!

Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20′s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?

The PA and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Sorry everyone. I thought I had posted this, but I guess I just saved it as a draft. I don’t usually go so long with publishing here. LOL.

All I’ve been thinking about since I ran into this article last weekend in the Sunday USA Today is “Just when you thought it was safe to get back in the water…” I was reading an article about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (or Syndrome). Like most people I thought it applied mostly to people in the military. Wrong. Come to find out, and I feel foolish as I say this out loud that I hadn’t thought of it sooner, it can happen to anyone who has been through any kind of traumatic experience. The only time I had been exposed to this diagnosis was when the father of my kids and I went to marriage counseling and he was diagnosed. I should have had a clue when he told me he had signed up and done 3 tours of active duty in Viet Nam that he was a little “off”, but for as intelligent as I may think I am, sometimes I can be a pretty slow study. LOL.

Outside of the military you would think of this as being associated with things like violent crimes, like rape, etc. What caught my attention was that almost any terrifying event can trigger it, including physical or sexual abuse, or a perceived serious threat to self or others. To be diagnosed according to the DSM (diagnosis guide book) 2 things have to be present.

DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD

A.

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others.

2. The person’s response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.

Now as we each learn as much as our passive aggressives will let us regarding their past, their growing up years, etc. , that many passive aggressive people have experienced these 2 things. In fact, supposedly in the United States, 60% of men and 50% of women experience a traumatic event during their lifetimes. I can’t believe it’s not more, but these numbers are from the people “in the know”. LOL.

So for instance, my passive aggressive boyfriend was physically abused as a kid, in which I’m sure at times he “feared for his life” and felt completely “helpless”. Then he went to Viet Nam. Feared for his life and the lives of his buddies, saw many of them die, felt “intense fear, helplessness and horror”.

The article goes on to say symptoms may include:

* Having flashbacks, nightmares, bad memories or hallucinations. (I think bad memories are a given. Don’t we all have some bad memories of something?)

* Trying not to think about the trauma or avoiding people who remind them of it. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma; (Does your passive aggressive try to avoid their parent(s) or family functions?)

* Not being able to recall parts of the event

*Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities; Not interested in life events

* Feeling emotionally numb or detached from others. Feeling of estrangement.  Restricted range of affect (for example, unable to have loving feelings); (Sounds so much like the passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/partner).

* Having trouble sleeping

* Being irritable, angry or overly jumpy (This one sound familiar? Sudden outbursts, or jumps to the ceiling every time there is an unusual noise?)

* Being hypervigilant

These symptoms will usually persist for more than a month, which some of them we’ve been living with for years! Once again I cannot believe how many disorders can be all wrapped into one passive aggressive personality.

I’m curious as to what you think? Are you dealing with a lot of this, or nothing other than parents neglect or abuse ever happened to your PA? I’ll tell ya, mine just keeps batting a thousand. LOL

How To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behavior

While doing some research this morning, I ran across this video from Dailymotion titled “How to Deal With A Passive Aggressive”.  I thought you might find it of interest as well.

Sharing The Caring For a Passive Aggressive

Hey everyone! Good morning.

I just wanted to thank everyone so much for the responses I’ve received concerning “10 Questions-How Do You Live With A Passive Aggressive?” You have been so wonderful and so open. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I read and try to answer every single response. I find it fascinating that so many of us from all over can come together in one place and unite, whether it’s sharing a sad story, offering up encouragement, or just knowing we have friends out there who understand because they are going through the same thing.

At the same time, I would like to apologize. I didn’t realize how much time and patience this was going to take when I posted it, and I really appreciate the time and thought people put into the responses.  After reading through them, I feel (as I was asked) I should now try again to answer them also. Just not today, but soon.

If you are reading this and have not answered the “10 Questions” but would like to, just follow the link. This is all about sharing and survival. LOL. Anyone wants to enter any input, feel free. We’d love to hear from you.

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