Let me start by giving a little background on my BF.
He’s soon to be 60 yrs. old and liked by everyone. He’s a man’s man with sports stats rolling off his tongue about any sport, anytime some one asks. He was raised on a farm in the midwest, the oldest of 5 children. His father was extremely hard handed, and one did not defy or talk back. Evidently my BF suffered more than a beating or two. Never being allowed to express anger or frustration, he played football in high school and took out his emotions there. Then it was into the Navy, where you aren’t allowed to express your emotions there, either. From what I gather from all my research, this is the typical makings of a passive-aggressive person.
At first glance, he seems to have the patience of a saint. He would have to in order to join me, still raising two unruly kids, and taking in my elderly mother after her stroke. On top of that, I owned a bar, which was much more than just a job. He’s been great through all of it. (Most men would love the thought of owning a bar, but it can be quite the nightmare also).
That’s the upside to Passive Aggressiveness. They seem so patient, while sabatoging you ever so subtly. They are not the typical jerk, raising hell and mad all the time, or the drinker that comes home and beats their spouse. Their kind of abuse is so subtle, you have a tendancy to miss it. Then one day you either hear the term “Passive Aggressive” and look it up so you don’t feel stupid in public, (the expression is used quite often these days), or you go looking for answers to all those little subtleties you don’t understand.
I have read so much on Passive Aggressive Behavior, I feel like I should have a diploma. I do not of course, and this blog is purely for my entertainment and sanity.
A Series of Articles written by 
I am just learning what is wrong with my relationship, thanks to this site, I always think its me. I have been with my bf for 5 years and I have never been so lonlely and confused. Emotional withdraw is his speciality along with witholding sex, I am sick of it but I seem so beaten down I cant leave. All I want to do is stop loving him. He is popular and a social butterfly with his buddies and he always acussing me of being a DRAMA QUEEN. How do I not Let him push my buttons how do i become emotionally detached. I want to be loved and desired, ive never cheated but im so lonley and sexually frustrated. How do I stay with this man who now seems to own my soul?
thanks any advice is apperciated.
Hi Kim- Sorry this appears to have taken so long to get back to you, but I actually wrote you a long answer yesterday, and wordpress lost it. I didn’t have the energy or time to put it all back. But…
If this site has helped you at all, I’m glad. If nothing else you should know after reading a lot of the comments here that you are not alone.
You said you have been with your boyfriend for 5 years now. If you don’t do something, where will you be 5 yrs. from now, or 5 yrs. after that? As you start getting older time just flies by and you’ve been together 20 yrs. and spent all of it being totally miserable, and still thinking about leaving.
Have you talked to the BF about how he makes you feel, or why he acts like he doesn’t desire you sexually anymore? You may not get any answers, but at least he will know that you recognize the problems and are ready to face them head on.
You also want to research as much as possible what passive aggressive behavior is and what tactics passive aggressive people use. In this way you can recognize what is happening when it’s happening and figure out the best way for you to handle it. When my BF does something that is obviously passive aggressive, I call him on it. Of course he usually denies it, but he knows I know and he usually comes up with a new tactic. It doesn’t cure it, but he usually stops that particular behavior. You’ll find books through the Amazon link in the side column, and there are also some good referrence sites listed.
Another thing you really need to do for yourself is get into either a women’s support group of some kind, or a lot of people recommend Al-Anon. Al-Anon usually has a very minimal cost (a lot of times a donation) and they deal with having to emotionally detach from a loved one addicted to alcohol or drugs every day. While your husband may not have that problem, the support and the tools for your situation would be the same. If you have insurance, your local hospital or clinics may have some kind of “assertiveness training” groups or support groups. If you don’t have insurance you can check with your local health department, as their fees are usually done on a sliding scale according to what you can afford. They too are usually extremely reasonable. From the heartache in your comment it seems you really need to start taking care of you.
Please stop in and let me know how you’re doing. Sometimes you just need to talk to some one who understands. There are a lot of comments on the entry for “A Way To Cope With A Passive Aggressive Spouse” They may give you something to think about or some useful information. Good luck to you.
I have read your blog for over a year. Which is when i figured out what the problem was with my relationship. Finally picked up the courage to write in it.
I have been for 3 years with my b/f engaged then not then on and god knows how crazy and drained i have gotten with him.
I have kicked him out several times only to not be able to get through with it because of his charm, promises and acknowledge of “I can be such a prick”
I dont need him for any support. He has changed 6 jobs since i have met him. I have put him through school several times. He is totally unrealiable. Cannot be dependable.
I live with my 3 children the youngest is 10 and he has totally been hurt by my boyfriends lies and manipulations.
He has lied to me so many times about major things, he cheats on me by being on dating sites and protays himself as such a charmer. I got so insane last year as he would be playing hide and cheat games only for me to find out.
I have taken him back so many times that i cant even count anymore. He has repeated the same issues of lying, cheating, irresponsibility, financial dependant.
I have had so much stress in this relationship that it has effected my health. Last year i ended up with ulcers and finally IBS and they all started after finding out lies and betrayal. I took him back and since then he has threaten to call the city and revenue canada for god know what.
Now i have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis about a month ago and still in the process of getting the right medications for me. I am told i need to cut down on my stress level. i have to deal wih making decision of how am i going to adjust my life with this very dehibilitaing disease. I run my own business.
On haloween day i found some more sites on history of the computer he was using only to find that he is on dating sites again. I confronted him and he as usual was in deniel and blah blah. he then threatens as usual to leave and i remind him that he had promised to take my son trick or treating that night.
He didnt care left….. on the way says i am controlling! i was left with a son who was disappointed until i phoned other parents from school if he my son could join them. The next day was my birthday and nothing! I had set up some work for him the next day and he didnt even show up of work!
Let me add the BF has a son who is probably 12 and he has never seen him although he lives in the same city. He has had no contact with him. He tried contact with the ex girlfriend (mom of his son) only to flirt with her rather then take some responsibility for his son. The BF is quite shy in person he is always out there looking for something. He says i am his soulmate and even goes and tattos it on his arm to convince me (in another language)
I am so sick of this and please someone tell me what the hell is wrong with me! He is not a nice person and cannot be consistant at all. It has always been a roller coster ride with him. I need to STOP!
Ladybug- Oh My Gosh! Stop!
I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but that if nothing else should give you a kick in the a**. You’re going to have to deal with this illness, the stress you’re currently under is only going to speed it up, and you have a child that is an even bigger victim of the circumstances than you are. Not fair. As you already obviously know, you need to kick this guy to the curb. If you can’t do it to preserve what little of your own dignity you have left, you need to protect your child from learning these habits and from getting hurt by them anymore. As long as you choose your boyfriend over your son, your son is going to get the impression that your BF’s behavior is how to get someone to love you. You really don’t want him learning that do you?
Have you thought about seeing a therapist? It sounds like you really could use some support in your corner and someone to help you through a final break up. If he’s so interested in other dating sites, etc. let him go get them. I would hate to think some other poor female will fall for his charms to be treated like you have been, but right now better her than you. Maybe the next female won’t put up with it. Really, when you stop to think about it, other than the charm which even a snake can be charming, what good does he bring to you and your son’s life? And now especially, isn’t it more important than ever for you to find some real happiness? You won’t ever find it if you can’t let go and put this guy in your past.
You say he doesn’t help support you and if anything you end up supporting him, so what is it that keeps you there putting up with him? Is it the fear of you and your son being alone together? Is it being afraid not to have a man around? Is it that you just have lost respect for yourself to the point you feel like you don’t deserve better? but if that’s the case, doesn’t your son? These aren’t meant to be harsh (especially since it took you so long to leave a comment. LOL) but we all do things because we benefit from them somehow, even when they are painful. There must be some way you are benefiting from this relationship, even if it’s just when you catch him messing around he always comes back making you feel like you’ve still “got it”. It’s definitely time to take a long, hard, cold look at what is going on and the relationship, and ask yourself where you and your son will be in 5 yrs. from now if you stick with it. When you really take a look at what the future holds going on like this, it’s pretty scary.
Good luck My Dear. You need to take care of yourself more now than ever if you ever want to see the boy of yours grow up someday and see what he’s going to do with his life, and what kind of person he will turn out to be. Don’t let this guy steal that away from you. Feel free to leave a comment anytime you need to talk.
THANK YOU! I dont know how to express what i felt when i read your response. I went back and read what i had written and i sounded so very disturbed. But your response was such a kick in the a…! It hurt that i was being so forgiving that i was forgetting who else was getting hurt with it. My children are the most important part of my life. Yet unknowingly i was hurting them by staying in this realtionship.
There has been still no word from him since he walked out on haloween day. Which is normal. I always feel relief after but then as few days pass i start to think negetive. To answer your question why was I with him? It is insane! I think i have a fear of being alone and abandoned! I am a fool… as i believe and believe and hope and hope. Even though my gut tells me to i convince myself other wise.
I have gotten so drained by this man that i dont even recognise myself from what i used to be 3 years ago!
He has left me so exhausted and sick! It is so painful that i let him do this to me!
For now i am going to learn to be good to me. I will be a good mother that i have always have been. I will NOT let this man into my life AGAIN! I wish that one day he pays for what he did to me and my innocent children! GOD BLESS U!
I am so confused today my bf brings home a roast he wants for dinner I start cooking and everything is almost ready, he decides to leave to go to a buddys for a tatoo, just like that out of the blue. The roads are horrible and he has no licensce. It’s always something to worry about, of course I end up flipping out screaming , He always abandons me its the weekend. Recently I have lost alot of weight and feel pretty, but he still wont take me anywhere stay here and cook the roast. I have tried to call him on his cell but as usual Im being punished for flipping out. so he wont take my calls.how do i stop letting him push my buttons, I was never like this before and i dont know how to pull myself out of this mess. We just bought a home in december 2008 so according to him i should be happy all I want is for him to love me like I love him but that is not going to happen. I am not in a finacial position to leave him Iam in school for a personal support worker i am 43 years old. i will be done school in 6 months. I want to stop needing him and loving him,i am loosing myself and cant take it anymore but i dont have the strenght to leave him. Thanks so much for letting me vent I am truly lost and heartbroken.
Oh Kim- My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry. I know it can hurt so bad. Nothing worse than standing there in tears and he just drives away as if it’s nothing. On top of how he treats you, he sounds pretty irresponsible in general. I’m sure there’s a reason why he has no license at his age. I hope he’s not driving a car you’re connected to. When he gets pulled over and they impound the car you don’t want to be responsible for paying for the impound. You do know no insurance will cover him if he’s in an accident or anything as long as he doesn’t have a license, don’t you? It sounds like you don’t have much choice if he drives, but you do have a choice if you’re going to be held responsible for his actions.
I think once you get out of school and start working in your field, I’m sure you’ll feel better. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. You’re almost through with school. That in itself is a heck of an accomplishment, especially if you’ve been fighting all the way through. Be proud, Girl! It’s hard when you’re dependent on someone to not let them have some control over you.
It sounds like you’re quite happy with yourself as far as losing weight, etc. which should help your self esteem quite a bit. Take advantage of it and any compliments you’re getting from anywhere else. I know it’s not the same, but it all helps. Did you read my post about building a “self esteem” file? You can start doing that right away and that will help.
As far as not letting him “push your buttons”, it takes practice. One of the things to do that actually can be sort of “fun” is to just calmly ask him “why?” “Why did you decide to go now when dinner’s almost ready and I’m cooking the roast you wanted?” It’s very interesting sometimes to just watch the reaction. Whatever it is, even if you’re seething inside, you just say “Oh, ok. I just was trying to understand what you were thinking”. When he quits getting the reaction from you that gives him an excuse not to answer your calls, etc. he’ll learn a lot of his current behavior isn’t working anymore. It’s not so much of getting him to quit pushing your buttons as having a turn pushing his. I don’t know. Bear in mind I have kind of a sick sense of humor and this has worked for me on several ocassions. It does take a little practice and a lot of patience.
I’m really glad you came back. You’re welcome to vent anytime! It does help to at least get it off your chest. My BF is just the opposite of yours. I can’t get him to get in touch with his buddies, and he rarely lets me drag him out. He gets even with me in other ways, like loading the dishwasher backwards, etc. LOL
Being that I am passive-aggressive I can totally understand where your frustrations come from. It is very true that we give very subtle hints; however, it is normally done unconsciously, and then one day after years of not verbally saying anything we want to end the relationship. The sad part is that we assume that the conversation that we carried on in our heads actually happened and that our mate just didn’t get it. It takes for a passive-aggressive person to first recognize there issue and then seek help; whether that is thru self-help (like your website) or professional. I am a living witness though that once a passive-aggressive person has recognized that they have been creating there unhappiness they have the ability to change, not over night but in time. We slip back into our comfort zone but were able to recognize quickly that we are sabotaging the relationship. Love your blog site!
Re- Welcome and thank you so much for the complement and your insight. How fortunate for the people in your life you recognize your own passive aggressive behavior and are willing to work on it. What’s so sad is for so many they don’t even want to admit the possibility. Good for you and good luck to you.
I enjoyed reading your blog. It seems you are quite a deep feeling and deep thinking person. Glad to see you putting that to work in such a positive way.
Hi havent been here in a while, my daughter is having a baby in may and i am trying make a nursery with no help from my bf. i think i am starting to hate him sex is no more and the last time wasnt even worth it. i could have an affair and he wouldnt know.
he says i am to presistent. i have talked to him till i am blue in the face. he ignore everything i say, but says he didnt hear me. i told him tonight if you dont love me and want me here have the balls to tell me!!. He takes the coversation all over the place because he cant talk about our relationship or lack of. i told him ilove him but i cant do this anymore im lost lonley and miserable and i hate him and love him. he says kim if youre not happy then go, i can see youre not happy so
here i am because that was the end of the conversation he says im kicking a dead horse. as soon as i leave the house he calls me, he dont want me and he doesnt want any one else to want me . i really am ashamed of myself for loving him so much .somehow i need to say to hell with this . you can only be pushed away so many times its crushing.please avice ???
thanks for liistening
Hi Kim- Congrats! on the new grandbaby. This should be such a happy time for you and your daughter. Sorry to hear things are so miserable.
I totally understand about being told you’re too persistant when it comes to sex. It seems the more you want it, the more they withhold. Once you don’t pursue them anymore, there’s no sex at all. Unfortunately that doesn’t lend itself to a very loving relationship.
If you’ve tried talking to him, I truly don’t know much else you can do. A passive aggressive very rarely will own up to how he really feels because they don’t know how. They don’t know how to connect to you emotionally and would just asoon things went along at a status-quo. They don’t know how to talk about the relationship because they can’t really see anything wrong and figure you’re just a drama queen.
I can only see you solving this problem 2 ways. 1, you have to accept that this is who he is and who he’ll always be, and decide if you are willing to give up your life for that or 2) make a stand for your own happiness, even though it will break your heart to break away from this situation. The difference being you go through one big heart ache and heal through it as you part ways, or you live your life with several heartbreaks a long the way.
Have you asked him about couple’s counseling? I know most passive aggressive men won’t really even consider it because they feel like it’s saying something’s wrong with them (which it is) but it may be worth a try. One way of looking at this is, if your daughter was in your situation what would you want for her? I know I wouldn’t want my daughter to live years in a situation without love and affection, slowly thnking she’s the one that’s crazy. I would want her to let go of the situation and have a chance to meet the man out there that will be kind and loving and supportive of her. Why settle for any less for yourself?
I know it hurts so much to bring things to an end, especially when you still love someone so much, but it sounds like you’re really getting to the point of either him or you. Where are you going to be 5 years from now? Good luck whichever road you take, and come back anytime. I’m still here.
Dear Ladybeam
you are wonderful,thankyou for all your advice. I am still confused, maybe i will go for counselling on my own. sometimes it seems easier to stay than leave. Today he tells me children aids called him about his daughter, the result of a one night stand 16 years ago, he has never been involved with her. he does have two other children, and not much involement there either although i have seen him put forth great effort to be a part of their lives but they have no interest.. The 16 year old he has never bothered with and she is more like her father than the other two. She has grown up in a horrible enviorment, her mother being addicted to crack. We have seen her on occassion when she needs money. I know her problems are severe she has been involved in a violent robbery with a cab driver where her and a friend were at fault. Their is still court over it. Furthermore i dont know the extent of the childs problems was she sexually molested, abused, made to go hungry , i have no idea??. She has been in juvenile detention then a foster home its not working out I guess, so they have asked her father to take her in. I am at a loss for words, i said we should discuss this “yeah we will” yeah right . Maybe i could help her but im sure it is her fathers love she needs. Good luck, am i selfish too think he cant do it and it will all be on my shoulders? My grandaughter will be here soon , do i need more drama if she doesnt come home at night is her dad going to look for her? if she were mine i would will she resent me? What kind of woman would i be if i walked out now so i can have a perfect world for my grandbaby. My bf daughter needs alot of love right now, well so do i. maybe if he were more loving i would be eager to help but i have a feeling we both will be starved out and gods knows you cant have sex with a kid in the house according to bf, thers always an excuse. you know we bought this house december 14/2008 my pregant kid is moving out with her boy friend next week and then its back to me and him again not!!!. His daughter needs him im feeling jealous and selfish. I also feel like ive been there done that no thanks, and on the other hand i feel like i can help this little girl that no one not even her father has cared aboutt, how it must feel for no one to love you not even your own flesh and blood.tonight i will pray to god to show me the way because truthfully i am tired and i have given him enough of my love. my daughter all of 20 years says mom youre beautiful leave him hes an idiot. and i say yeah hailey but i love him. any and all advice is welcome thank you for letting me get this off my chest
sincerely kim
Kim- You’ve got a great first step, prayer. Then a good therapist even or especially for just you, to help you not feel like you’re going crazy and give you some support.
I feel bad for your BF’s daughter, but taking on a really troubled 16 yr. old is really, really tough. My kids and I fought like cats and dogs all through their teens over bounderies, curfews, school, etc. and they were mine. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if they were someone else’s. I don’t blame you for being a little worried and to tell you the truth, you’re probably right on when it comes to not expecting a whole lot of help from him. It is so sad any time a child has to grow up with such adversities and if you think you can help and are willing to try, that’s a wonderful statement as to the big heart you have.
If you decide you’re willing to do this, I think the first step is to develop a set of rules and let her know what they are before she moves in. This is also a way to see a little in advance also as to how much input you’re going to get from the BF. Like little adults, by 16 they have already developed a lot of their own habits, whether good or bad, and it sounds like this young lady is used to doing pretty much as she pleases. A lot of times these kids resent any type of authority trying to reign them in. You could start her with counseling through her school to help her deal with some of her past issues. I know this worked great for my son, and it didn’t cost anything.
It’s understandable that you’re feeling a little jealous and selfish in regards to sharing your BF, even with his own daughter, when you are already feeling like he doesn’t give enough love to you. I can see where that would be a typical reaction when you think about him giving love to someone else. I would do a little soul searching though and ask yourself if you can handle those feelings if she does come to live with you. It will be another big adjustment between you and your BF to try and deal with. Good luck, however it turns out. Between prayer and thought, whatever decision you make you should feel good about it, that you came to the decision honestly and truly feel it. You have a right to feel the things you feel.
I just realized my son is a PA. He is the 4th of 5 children. All the other children have been appropriately motivated and responsive to normal parenting. He was the quiet kid. He never told me when things bothered him, but I would find signs of his upset in his room. Things broken, holes int he sheetrock. would . Early on, he fell in with a group of neighborhood boys who egged him into pot. I just learned the boys parents are pot smokers. He would sneak out at night. I helped him go away to college, but he flunked out. I became aware of how much he was into the marijuana. I didn’t realize he was a PA until this year. I thought he had been a little overlooked in such a large and outgoing family. I tried concentrating attention and resources on him. I tried to broaden his horizons by travel. I scheduled a ski trip for him, his sister, and myself and after I paid for his share, he cancelled. I didn’t show my anger at him because at this point I realized he was a PA. I realize as I am writing this there is nothing that I can do to help him. He doesn’t call me, contact me and I have stopped trying to maintain any type of relationship with him because he just wants to reject me first. He seems angry if I do attempt a relationship. I have a good relationship with my other children and they with each other. I guess I am just grieving the loss of my son. I honestly think I will never see him again because he seems to determined to not be a part of the family. I have stopped trying to contact him because he is impossible to locate. I don’t think he will even notice no one is trying to relate to him anymore because he has put up so many barriers. I am sorry I didn’t realize until now he was this way. He is 22 years old. If I had realized earlier I might have been able to get him into counseling, but now that he is an adult it is too late.
Hi PA’s Mom- Thanks for leaving your comment and Welcome! More importantly, I feel your pain. My son also is a passive aggressive. He is the baby out of 3 and he probably has good reason. You might want to read my post about him here. He’s 20 now, and I learn a little more every day on how to deal.
While he has gone through so much in his little life due to me, it sounds like you’ve had a stable home life for your son and he probably wasn’t raised much different than your other 4. Don’t be too quick to feel guilty for anything you’ve done. Sometimes it’s not us. Sometimes it’s someone that impresses them that we would think is so immaterial to our child’s life, yet they make a comment that our child takes to heart, and it can screw up their whole psyche.
I’m curious. When you would ask him about holes in the wall etc., what was his explaination? Were you and his father together while you were raising him? Sometimes if you’re a single mom things go on with the father that you don’t even know about.
My son also is in to drugs. If your son has been doing weed for awhile, he may be into heavier stuff now, which will cause him to isolate himself from you. I kicked my son out, which he justly deserved, and he spiraled downward pretty badly. The one thing I did do was pay his cell phone bill so I could at least make sure he was alive once in awhile. Have you ever just asked him what he has against you? or have you ever been able to get him to open up at all?
I am going to pass on a little advice I got from Broken Hearted Mom whose son is in jail, which is where his heroin addiction got him, it’s very important to get support for you. You are not alone in this. There are a bunch of us parents that have no idea what to do now. One of the places you might try is Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Those are parents and people dealing with the same type of thing, and they may be able to at least let you feel like you don’t have to be alone dealing with this. (Of course, you have this place here too any time you need to just let it out). You might also try a family counselor if that’s more to your liking, to help you navigate through the rough waters. A support group through your county health department may also give you a little support and some insight as to what you need to do to keep your own sanity while your son is exploring his.
I don’t know that I would ever “give up” on my son, but I certainly have gotten exasperated, and you need some support to help hold you up while he’s being who ever he may turn out to be.
Good luck to you and God Bless. Feel free to come back any time and laugh, cry or vent. I’ll always be interested in how things are going with you.
Thank you for answering. His dad and I were together, but I left the physical home when my son was a senior in high school returning home on weekends. My son’s behavior was already like it is today, I just didn’t realize what it was. Following his senior year, I brought him to my new home and placed him in college. He was not a bad kid, just severely unmotivated. I had to do everything to get him enrolled. But I spent a lot of time with him shopping, getting clothes, but I realize the last thing he wanted was college, he just went along. During college he came home on weekends. When the first semester was a bomb I wasn’t angry I told him that college was hard and it took awhile to get adjusted and he could do it. But he didn’t. The summer after he flunked out, I told him he would have to get a job and follow rules. He sabotaged all his job interviews. He wanted to get back to live with his dad where there were no rules and he could hang with his friends that did pot as well. He worked part-time. He was coming back and forth to stay with his sister when I had to work overnight. I let him drive one of the cars, but when he had pot in it and I would not let him drive the car anymore. I also took him off the insurance because I did not want to be liable for an accident if he was stoned. I would buy a cell phone for him, but I have a feeling he would “lose it” or “not answer” it, or “accidentally turn it off” or “accidentally leave it somewhere”. When he put holes in the wall, I would hold him, tell him I loved him, ask him what was wrong and what could I do. He wouldn’t ever answer. What he says he has against me is my dislike of “stoners” like him. I say that its the legal issues around pot that I have a problem with. I can’t afford to have my car impounded. Also it is the lack of motivation and direction that the pot seems to accentuate in him. My daughter’s graduation is coming up and I fully expect him to bail on her as well. All my other children are adult children who have a great deal of love and concern for him, but they do feel very angry about his lack of concern for himself and for his actions. They feel guilty that they didn’t let him talk as a kid, that they talked for him. Possibly true, but they are a loving group of kids. I just don’t know why he has gone down this road.
Hi PA Mom- Gee so much of your story sounds so much like me and my son. In fact just the other day he asked my why I hated weed so much. I told him I hated what it did to anyone I’ve ever seen smoke a lot of it and what it does to him. Lazy, lack of motivation, lack of being responsible. Like your son, I took the car away, etc. (unfortunately my son drinks also). When they’re that age they just don’t get it. They don’t ever think anything is going to happen to them, and they don’t really get the consequences of their actions. After I took my son’s car away, he bought another on his own from a friend. He did get in a fender bender at the end of our street, thank God he happened to be straight that day, but his vehicle was towed and he never got it back. Now he’s in the process of forfeiting his license for a year.
Reading about your life, when you left, etc. I truly don’t think it’s neccessarily anything you did. My two older girls have chosen their paths and are doing quite well. They also are very upset with their brother, and my oldest basically wants nothing to do with him because of the way he’s chosing to live. We can’t beat ourselves up for not being able to pin them in, away from bad friends and bad things as we are supposed to be teaching them independence and letting them go. Some people just make bad choices. My son always knows which choice he should make, he just doesn’t chose it.
Hopefully both our sons will reach a point where they realize all this is a waste, or at least not benefitting them, and they will put it aside. Good luck to both of us. LOL.
Thank you ladybeam for writing. Its so good to know that someone else has gone down this road before me. I have been thinking about the communication issue and my son has a birthday coming up. I am thinking maybe I should try getting him a prepaid phone and give it to him for a present. He recently had car trouble and was stranded and I mentioned to him that is the nice thing about have a cell phone and he thought he might need one. My husband has provided him housing, but charges rent. The boy doesn’t make enough money to actually live out on his own, but talks about moving in with his friend and the friend’s girlfriend. I actually think if he did, he would do PA things with them and the lure of this bad group might be a little less attractive. I encouraged him to get out on his own because I know living independently is a wake up call sometimes to what reality is. I do have my share of guilt. While there was not any arguing with my spouse, I just could not be with him anymore. He was probably mildly pa but was overall a good provider, hardworker, and loved me and the children. But it also seemed that he encouaged me to take on more work, more responsibilities, more self-improvement, while he remained stagnant. I changed going through a post-graduate program while he did nto evolve. I began to feel he wanted me to make the “big bucks” but all I really ended up with was a great deal of debt that together we could not pay. Only 5 years later am I able to address the school loans, the credit cards, and feeling like he pushed me away from the chldren because I had to study and work. Yes I resent him, I feel angry and irritable when I speak with him. Even thought I may spend the rest of my life alone, I would happily chose being alone that having to keep the household going on my own. While being a good provider, he is disorganized and is a pack rat. I felt overwhelmed. I just couldn’t take care of his life as well as my own. I felt his advice was bad, but I felt worse because I had taken his advice. So there was a gulf between me and my son’s father. And he may have sufferred from it. I can only aplogize for that. Thanks again for writing. I am so new to all of this, I really and inspired by the stories and experiences of others.
hi this is kim chapman and things have not changed, my grandaughter is born ,bf couldnt be there leg too sore but he hung out with his buddies.i have not one pictre of us and baby i hate him and want to leave him he has an excuse for everything.i keep wanting begging him to love me,nothing iam beaten down lonlely lost confused, what have i done to my life how do you stop loving a man that doesnt even care.i want out ineed strenght my grandaughter is not going too seee me like this no more why am i beggging to be loved by an asshole. god give me strenght toeave.
kimchapman66@hotmail.com
Hi Kim- I’ve missed you. Welcome back.
Congrats on the new granddaughter. I’m sorry to hear things didn’t go well with the BF, but then you knew they wouldn’t. (of course knowing they won’t and hoping they do are two different things). You sound absolutely miserable.
Do you have the ability to leave? Are your daughter and granddaughter staying with you, or could you possibly move in with them temporarily? With the new baby, as long as you “helped” and not interfered, your daughter would probably appreciate a break now and then, even if it was just for a little nap, or from the dishes, etc.
I don’t know why we insist on falling for the “bad” guy instead of the “nice” guy all the time, but you can’t find a man who truly loves you and is good to you the way you deserve until 1) you let go of this one 2) You realize you’re worth better than what you’re getting.
Therapy, friends, venting here, all can help you, but you need to start the ball rolling. If you truly want to build up your strength and be able to get away from him, the only thing you can do is start changing you. Unfortunately, we can’t change the other person, especially when they aren’t willing. For instance, how’s your self-esteem file coming? When was the last time you went to do something you wanted to do with your “buddies”?
You may want to go back through some of the posts on here regarding self-esteem, etc. to give you a little motivation. That and the fact that you don’t want to teach your daughter and your granddaughter that this is the way it goes with a man, should get you going.
Don’t be a stranger. Love to hear how you’re doing anytime. Try and do just 1 thing a day for you or toward your goal of getting stronger. Even 1 thing at a time can make a difference.
I am sitting here with one revelation after another. I am now realizing my spouse is mildly PA. It is true, the harder I worked, the less he helped. He just didn’t have any ambition. I don’t think any of his was very conscious. Why did I marry this man. Probably because I had come from a very dysfunctional family. I wanted a stable family life. My sense of self was not very well-formed. But we had a wonderful family life with our children have been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I grew so much as a person trying to be the kind of parent I never had. I am beginning to think my PA son took after my husband but to a much greater degree. I just didn’t see any of this before and I am just now seeing it. I guess I was ashamed of my choice. I am so very glad I found this website. It explains a lot. My spouse is not all to blame as I am sure I had the personality type that attracted him and vice versa. But I also remember a moment in time when I realized that I didn’t want to continue our relationship. I think that is when I had changed from the person that brought us together. Thanks for letting me share all this. It has been painful keeping it all boxed in.
Dear PA’s Mom- It sounds like the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall in to place for you. That’s a good sign. Once you know the problem and understand what it is, you’re half way there to handling it, as they say.
It’s definitely not unusual for couples to grow apart vs. growing together, especially if one stops growing at all. It’s sad when it happens, especially when you have so much time in, but there is no sense in wasting what time is left. Life is too short, and it sounds like you made the right decision for you.
I’m glad you’re enjoying the website and feel free to let things out here. We all need somewhere to get things off our shoulders. In my life there really isn’t anyone I can talk to for one reason or another, and being able to share with people here has helped me a lot. I love being part of my readers’ lives and having you all be part of mine. Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your website. It has turned out to be the very best resource for understanding and talking about this behavior. And most importantly a way to express the overwhelming pain I have been carrying. I have felt guilty about leaving my spouse, and I have felt guilty about how I have failed my son. I have been afraid to be on my own, yet would never think about returning to a truly unsatisfactory life with the spouse. I have a lot of anger toward him that often comes out in our conversations few that they may be. As mentioned, I am angry that I took on the responsibility for bettering our lot in life without him doing the same. My heart was in my home and with my children and I felt resentful of my time away from them, altho I managed to always be mom and to study when they were not there or asleep. He was a good provider, but his advancement in life came only from my prodding. He did very well in the technical program he did attend graduating with honors. Yet he had no desire to continue to evolve. I felt so angry he didn’t want these things on his own for his own self-esteem. I think I just got tired of directing and organizing his life. When I would not do things for him, they didn’t get done. He did become more angry when I began to distance myself from him. He is at heart a nice person from a very nice family. My mother-in-law has been very patient with me as I grew as a person. But that is not enough anymore. I don’t know why he is the way he is. At one point I thought he was ADD and suggested a trial of medication, but he didn’t want to do anything in the way of self-improvement. Same with his appearance. I picked out clothes etc. But I got so tired of his lack of interest in his appearance. He is really looking bad now. I would say he looks 10 years older than I do and we are a year apart. He lives in a mess of house. None of the children will go there anymore, except for my PA son that stays there on occasion. I realized directing his life was not the right thing to do and I used to feel like I was too controlling. But left to his own he is pretty directionless. He is starting to have more problems as a PA. Primarily in his job. He aggravates his supervisor and when I have spoken to him he complains a great deal about his work situation. To me you either suck it up or move on. But he endures. He is almost to retirement now, so if he can hang on a few more years he won’t have to put up with a supervisor. I am beginning to pity his poor supervisor for having to put up with him. He doesn’t call or bother me much thankfully. I just have felt so guilty for opting out of the marriage when there didn’t seem to be any logical reason for leaving. But I felt I had to carry so much baggage I just couldn’t do it anymore. Thank you for letting me express myself. I have been reading your blog entries and the responses of others and I am astounded that PA behavior is so under the radar that it can be easily overlooked. I obviously overlooked it for years myself in my marriage and did not recognize it in my son until a few months ago.
PA’s Mom- Sorry it took so long to respond. If you read today’s post, I think you’ll understand.
I personally don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. While your children were growing up you were there until your last son was in his last year of high school. By then, we should be able to talk to our children and get some semblance of understanding. Of course they rarely like it, but usually are pretty perceptive and probably already knew things weren’t well in the relationship.
It sounds like your PA was in about the same place as my PA when it comes to work. While he was good at what he did and the people he worked with loved him, he never kept up with the changes in his field, etc. and now is considered quite a dinosaur. In this economy he can’t really afford to aggrevate his supervisor. He should think a little about what he’s doing, especially if he’s been there awhile. If your PA ticks off his supervisor too much, he’ll never make it to retirement. Companies don’t like paying out retirement anymore as it is. My mother worked for a medical clinic and as she was getting within a year or two of retiring, her supervisor tried almost everything to get her to quit, but she just hung in there.
Try not to beat yourself up any more. You did the best you could with what you had to work with, as they say. I don’t think any of us get married to sign up as a mother to our spouses. There doesn’t have to be a “logical” reason for leaving. There are a lot of times when the outside world will never see what we see being in the relationship. Passive aggressives are very stealth, and the person we find ourselves married to when it comes to that kind of personality, is very rarely the person we knew and fell in love with when we were dating. Like most people involved with a passive aggressive, the guilt has a way of coming with the territory. They have a way of doing that to us. Recognize it for what it is, and let it go. It takes two to make a relationship work, and it takes two to destroy it, altho sometimes a PA can do that part all by themselves. LOL
I am so sorry that you have had to leave your home. I can’t tell you how much your website and blogs have helped me understand what I left and what my son may be feeling and thinking. I have come to terms with a lot since I have discovered this site. It was so helpful to unload a lot of feelings I’ve bottled up for years. I hope your move is a smooth one. Best wishes for the brightest of futures.
PA’s Mom- Awww, your kind words couldn’t come at a better time. I’m also glad to hear from you again. I was so worried about you the last time I heard from you.
I’m still here any time you want to talk it out. Just been busy packing, but the wireless is working fine and I’m getting a little time to try and basically keep on track. Thank you so much for the “best wishes” and “brightest of futures”. I can’t say starting over at this age is not stressful, but at the same time in some ways there is sort of a relief. WE, you, me and the rest of us here, will be just fine. LOL
The visit went very well. My son wanted to stay overnight with us when he got here. The kids and I got together and wanted to make him feel special and loved, so we threw him a surprise birthday party after the graduation with cake and presents. He was pleased. He has moved out of my spouse’s house unfortunately into an apartment with some not so good influences. But I told him I supported his decision to be on his own. I resisted all the old temptations of trying to offer solutions and suggestions for where he is currently in life. He was loving and kind. I think he enjoyed the interaction with his siblings. Like the old family life we had when things were a lot better. I really hope things are going well for you. A lot of our expectations as to what our lives were going to be like have been thrown out the window with the downturn in the economy. Right now my job is secure, but there was a time about 10 years ago that I literally did not know how I was going to put food on the table. It wasn’t that my spouse wasn’t working, it was just a really tight time in our lives. I remember kind of fantasizing about things I would like to buy to eat at the grocery store. No we weren’t hungry, but I kind of longed for a steak once in a while. Completely out of budget. We ate a lot of beans. But my life was so simplified that it was almost joyous. I didn’t have “stuff” to worry about. I didn’t have to choose between which product to buy. Didn’t have to return things to the store, mail in rebates, or even keep up with a lot of things. I remember that I tried to keep the faith that all my daily needs would be met and they were in fact. It was during the time I was getting an education to help the family that I mentioned before and you know how notoriously poor students can be. But going through that time really gave me a tremendous gift that I hope I can treasure to this day. I hope this trying time for you is in disguise a wonderful gift that will change your life in ways that you would never have imagined or attempted. I will continue to keep your well being in my thoughts and again express my appreciation for this website which has helped be unload a lot of pain and in the process begin to heal.
PA’s Mom- Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. They do help and actually there are many ways this is a blessing in disguise in many ways.
So glad you had a wonderful visit with your son. It sounds like things went really well, and as they do he will learn to trust you and open up more. it just takes a lot of patience, which many times I certainly don’t have, but it does work and that’s what I keep using to keep myself in check. LOL. Looking forward to hearing more about your relationship with him progressing. My son even came through for me which was a total shock. It’s amazing sometimes when you actually get a little glimpse into what they actually feel.
I am keeping you in my thoughts as you are going through so many moves.
A bit of an update. Called my PA son on his cell phone. First call. He is living on his own with two roommates (not my first choice), but supporting himself on his own earnings, including keeping his car running. Said he had “highlighted” his hair a little. (Yay! Revealing a new interest in his appearance). He was a blond as a boy and has beautiful blue/green eyes. And when asked if he needed anything requested maybe some new clothes like I had bought him before. More dressy less skater dude. I have hopes that he will eventually leave the marijuana alone, but he seems to be growing up on his own. I’m hopeful. Hope you are moving toward some closure on your living situation. Its just hard to move forward in life until you are settled into your own space.
Hi PA’s Mom- Yeah! Thanks for the update. I’m so glad you talked to your son. That is so great! Even if you’re not happy with his choice of roommates, at least he’s doing it. It sounds like he’s taking in some personal pride. He’s supporting himself, he’s not in trouble, (or at least not in jail), he’s working, hey, as a mother at that age, I don’t think we can ask much more than that. LOL. Maybe too, now that you’ve made the first call it will open the lines of communication between the two of you.
Thanks for the encouraging words about our situation. I’m sure things will work out.
I am encouraged. But I do want to say that if it had not been for your website, I would not have been able to understand who my son is and what does not work with him. I have discussed PA behavior with my other adult children who are often very angry with my PA son over her choices or lack thereof. They are just like me. They want to take action and be actively involved in helping him find an appropriate life. But because of my new understanding of PA behavior I have been able to explain to them that the more you push and cajole a PA the more they are going to disappoint you. It is true if you love something you have to let it go. He knows what is right and wrong, what is pleasing to his family and what is not. At this point the choice is his to make and we can’t do anything but let him find out for himself. Thanks again.
PA’s Mom- Thank you so much for the encouraging words and I’m glad this site has helped. People throw around the term “passive aggressive” so flippantly but many do not realize it is a definite, self-sabotaging type of behavior and very hard to deal with.
I think now that you’ve taken the first step toward your son, it’ll get a lot easier. Just don’t forget that many times with a PA it’s sort of like “out of site, out of mind” so don’t be surprised if you are the one that does most of the contacting. I don’t think they neccessarily mean it to be that way, it just seems to be how they’re made up. It is great that you’re able to talk to your other children about this and help them to understand. Maybe one day they’ll be able to just accept him for who he is also. I know my girls have the same problem with my son, but there’s always hope. LOL
I am so glad I found this site. I just learned a few days ago what passive-aggressive is and that my husband is the poster boy.
I love him and want our marriage to work, but it has taken a toll on me emotionally. It is draining me, making me angry, and I feel very lonely. If I didn’t have our daughter (1 year-old) to take care of and keep me busy, I would have gone insane by now. Actually it’s kind of amazing that we even managed to have a child, considering our sex life is pretty much non-existant. But not for a lack of trying on my part.
I am going to start trying many of these “coping” techniques that I have read about, now that I know I am not crazy. We’ll just have to see what happens!
Stacy- Welcome! If this site helps you at all, I’m glad you found us also. Now that you know “you’re not crazy” you’re on your way to either beating it or getting out of it. Either way, you can now do what’s best for you. Feel free to stop by any time to say hello, or if you need a place to vent, or just see what’s happening with others. The more supportive of each other, the better we’ll all be.
I just heard the term “PA” at my therapist’s office when I was explaining my situation at home. Since then, I’ve been reading up on it, and I cannot believe that this is what I’ve been dealing with these past 21 years. The more I read, the more paralyzed I seem to become. Thank goodness I am in my 3rd week of therapy.
I, too, married the life of the party, the great guy who would do anything. And a lot of the time he is like that. But there is no discipline of the children “whatever you want” But like one of the stories I read, give him a couple of drinks, and he becomes nasty and mean. Not too over the top, just enough to make you feel like an idiot. And it usually is directed right at me. I have to say I have 2 teenagers, and have a healthy relationship with both. They totally respect me, and come to me often. My older one doesn’t feel as close to his father, a rather “superficial” relationship, but of course the PA thinks it’s “all good”. They view him as inconsistent. I have no trouble now or in the past disciplining. They come to me for advice, problems, and so many nights just sitting around the 3 of us laughing and talking. I am definitely the Iron-hand, and the kids tease me about it. Even if they ask him, they double check with me, which I try to deter, and always agree with what ever decision he made, at least in front of them. We have their friends here all of the time, so it is a warm nuturing environment. I am usually the only one here, as my husband works a lot at night due to business.
Some background: I am in mid-forties, mistaken for 30’s. College degree, with some Masters credits, Work part-time, go to the gym 3-4 times per week, and always have. I am 5′8 and wear a size 4. I am not into the whole “dress like a teen”, I dress age-appropriately. My daughter teases me that men are always flirting with me. I cook every night, clean my own house (every other week a cleaning lady, but that is this past year since I started working more). I am very careful about spending money. I am ready for sex at any time, but have been denied that for 3.5 years. Any time I ask him why he doesn’t want me, It is always my fault for some reason, then he storms out, only to call me to apologize and say it’s him. He always storms out when I try to talk about anything. He constantly compliments me, and says how all of his friends and people we meet think I’m great, sweet, smart, pretty……but he has a wall up with me, and won’t come near me emotionaly or otherwise.
Right now I am at the point where I am getting stomach aches and headaches. I cannot sleep. I am so glad that I’m in therapy, otherwise I’d be insane for sure. If I were to leave this marriage, everyone but those who really know me would think I was to blame. Because he is so great. And he is. A great provider, brilliant, funny, social when it suits him. We used to go out all of the time with a large, great group. We used to entertain. Now I have to beg to go out, and he always wants to go alone. We don’t travel, the kids and I do a few trips together. We do one week all together in the summer.
I have thought it was me all of this time, and that I must be awful. I have thought about suicide more than once over the years. I feel as though the best years of my life are being wasted. I have so much to offer, I am always reading about new things, I’ve taken classes several times just to broaden my horizons. I have been approached from collegues, guys via email from HS (they got my address through the alumni book) and others. I have heard more than once “I hope your husband appreciates you” and all I want to say is “NO, he doesn’t at all”
His upbringing was awful, dictator for a father, and (present-day definition) sociopath for a mother. Father is gone, she is still here. None of the siblings speak to one another, only 2 out of 4 speak to the mother. It’s always a volitile conversation. He gets enraged at her, but doesn’t say anything to her……..just hangs up flaming mad. I have encouraged him over the years to speak up when she enrages him, he feels it won’t change things, I say that at least you’ll get it off of your chest and had your say. Put it out there.
You can imagine that any time something is wrong, I never hear about it, just get slowly punished……because he doesn’t think it’ll make a difference to discuss it. .
THank you for listening. I am so alone, so sad and broken. I don’t want to tear the family apart, but I’m crumbling. Piece by piece……….
Hi Elaine and Welcome to our “group”.
First off I want to tell you I am so glad you are glad you are in therapy. That is a super start and puts you a little ahead of the “passive aggressive” game. It helps so much to have someone who is supposed to know about these things validate our feelings. It’s also great that you have such a good relationship with your kids. So many times I read here where the children go the way of the passive aggressive parent and leaves the other heartbroken and demoralized.
It sounds like your husband definitely has come from the kind of background that causes passive aggressiveness in adults. I think it’s good that you encourage him to speak up to his mother. You might ask him how he knows it won’t make any difference until he at least tries it. When you have the opportunity like this, I think I would also just come out and ask him if that’s how he sees things between the two of you also. You’re right as far as him getting past that hurdle before he will start speaking to you about things that are bothering him.
As far as no sex for 3.5 years, I know exactly how you feel. I have tried to remember when we have had sex last, just wondering how long it’s been for us, and I can’t even remember. I think you would find the post I wrote about “Another Concept on Why a Passive Aggressive Withholds Sex” quite interesting. At least it lends a little understanding as to why, and once again it’s not us.
Once again, I’m glad to hear therapy is working out so well for you and your therapist has recognized the passive aggressiveness in your husband. Some therapists never even admit that could be a problem. Sounds like you got a good one. Feel free to come back and vent, or let us know about your progress any time. Hopefully now that you have some place to let out your feelings and get validation, the physical side effects will go away. Have you ever spoke to your husband about therapy, or even couples therapy for you both? I know sometimes it’s just a closed subject with them since they don’t want to admit anything’s wrong, least of all their fault. Just thought I’d ask.
Feel free to take advantage of the resources here. The recommended reading page has books from Amazon. In the side bar are a few other places and resources for free that you can help yourself to. Good luck to you, and trust me, you are definitely not alone.
Thanks for the reply. Any more advice? I just discussed something that he has been doing for months that hurst m feelings deeply. He was wonderful and remorseful. Today I’m getting the silent treatment. I’m expecting it will explode over the next few days.
Thanks. This is so hard.
You all should know that you are providing each other and me the strength to go on. Thank you.
Thank you, Marilyn as you also contribute to us by sharing.
PA’s Mom- Congratulations! Sounds like you have the perfect opening for getting your son a cell phone. Of course he’ll probably be a lot like mine, and even though I pay the bill, there are many times he sees it’s me and chooses not to answer. It’s fortunate that your husband can supply your son with a place to live, but still charge him rent as if he’s on his own. It certainly helps them get used to the idea that they have to pay to put a roof over their head. My son moved in with a guy and girl in a house and it was a huge free for all, with him doing more and worse drugs than he already was doing. It would just break my heart to see what a mess he was, but I told him he couldn’t come back unless he got help. He never did. Thank goodness he and his girlfriend ended up back together and he basically pulled himself back up. She’s no angel, but she works and she tries to encourage him to be better. So now I have both of them. LOL. I know how it’s supposed to work. Not always very good at enforcing it.
With us having to move though, I’ve been telling him if he’s not working they won’t be going with me. I guess they’ll probably go back to living with her father.
I understand about you and your ex. Mine pushed me similarly, except once I was earning “big bucks” I turned around and he was spending most the day in his night shirt and playing with the kids. I decided at that time it was time for us to go.
Good luck with your son and I hope you two have a wonderful time for his birthday. Maybe it’ll be a step toward being able to get closer with him. Please feel free to come back and let me know how things turn out.
PA’s Mom- Thank you so much. You are so sweet to think of me with all you have going on yourself. Speaking of which, how is it going with you lately? I think the last I heard from you, you and your son were starting to communicate a little better. Hope all is going better for you too, My Dear.
It has been about a month since I have heard from my son. I wasn’t able to get the cell phone for him at the time because I was trying to get so many other things taken care of for the graduation. I asked him to give me a phone number and address but I never got it. Right now I am at peace with myself regarding this. I did all I could do. I don’t think about him as much. But I do feel sad when I do think about a young life lost and wasted up until this point. But the other kids are doing great, so I think about them and also they are in and out of the house so I get to see them. I am moving closer to my oldest daughter so I think that will help. I feel at peace with my decision not to be with my husband although I doubt I will divorce him. I like having goals and challenges and I am looking at several projects to undertake. I am moving from an area where we all hide in our homes at night due to safety concerns to an area where there are lots of activities, sports, colleges, lakes, etc. So I think that a busy schedule will help alleve much of the sorrow I have felt at my kids leaving home. I know I am not the only person who has gone through such changes, but it is never easy is it. Please keep us all posted during this time as to how you are doing.
PA’s Mom- Sorry it’s been so long since you’ve heard from your boy, but I think to a certain extent, at this age that’s how they are in general. Usually when I hear from mine it’s because he needs something. They’re pretty self-absorbed at this point.
So glad to hear the rest of the kids are doing well, and you sound really good. I’m so happy for you as far as looking into moving and taking on activities. It helps so much to have people around and making new friends. Also glad you are at peace with the decisions you are making. I should think that would mean you are making the right decisions for you at this time. Inner peace is such a strange feeling to most of us. LOL.
Thanks for letting me know how things are going. I love hearing about people being able to turn things around. Even though you still have to deal with the husband issue, it sounds like you’re able to come at it from a level-headed place. Good for you. I’ll add your son to mine in my prayers.
I was delighted to hear about the recent events with your son. I am hopeful that my son will eventually reach the realization that his little life isn’t going anywhere as he is living it now. I don’t try and contact him. I don’t even know how to contact him. That is his choice. But it really gives me a lot of encouragement when I read your son had reached a turning point in his life. I know eventually things will work out with you getting into your own home, but life does seem have a way of testing your patience. I am preparing for being all on my own as my daughter goes to college. But I think it will be fine. I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope a resolution to your current situation is in sight.
Dear PA’a Mom- Thank you so much and I am delighted to see you’re still with me. I know how frustrating it can be when you keep going back to a blog and there’s no new stuff, so thanks for sticking it out with me.
I’m afraid I really have to thank my middle daughter for my son’s turn around. They have always been pretty close, and she never gave up on him. While I wanted to help and could tell him what path to take, I’m afraid I wasn’t truly able to help him. I could never be strong enough with him for him to take me seriously. Now he has to perform and he has a whole new environment to do it in.
I hold you and your son in my prayers. It seems like it’s an eternity waiting for them to grow up enough to realize we are not the enemy. I hope your son finds his way back to you soon with open arms and ready to accept the love it’s so obvious you want to give him. I assume you sort of know what’s happening with him through your husband, no? That’s the part that drove me crazy with my boy, was the “not knowing” if he at least was alive.
Good luck to your daughter as she heads off to school. What a great time it is in a person’s life when they want to take that step. I’m sure you’ll miss her a lot at first, but it does get easier as I’m sure you already have experienced. Now it’s your turn to live! Aren’t you a little bit excited? I’m excited for you. It’s kinda of a dirty trick the way children leaving home makes us sad on one hand when we should be so happy about starting our new life on the other. LOL.
Take care of yourself and let me know about the new stuff in your life. (Tip: Sometimes it’s ok to even be a little silly)