If you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive, whether it be a spouse, partner, your mother, etc. being fore-warned is being fore-armed. If you want to spend this or any holiday pleasantly, without upset, here are some steps you must take and some things you must first understand.

The first thing when spending the holidays with a passive aggressive is to always have a “plan B”. Your whole life more likely than not, is made up of small sabotages. Why do we allow ourselves to think because it’s a special day that things will be different? If you think this even for a second, you are already setting yourself up to be disappointed and upset.

The second tip: Never leave anything really important up to the passive aggressive. If it means you have to do everything yourself in order to preserve the day, then that’s the way it will have to be. Whatever you do leave up to them, see tip 1 above. If you’re going to a passive aggressive’s house for dinner, say your mother or sister, etc. and there is a part of the meal that’s very important to you, tell them you’ll bring it. I have a friend allergic to peanuts and every time she goes to dinner she can’t eat dessert, even though the whole family knows of her allergies. Now she takes a dessert herself so that she can be indulging after dinner with everyone else. There are some things all the fake apologies in the world just won’t fix.

Tip 3: If your passive aggressive is always late, waits until the last minute to get dressed, drags their feet you have two choices instead of getting upset. 1) tell them you have to leave a half hour earlier than you really do, or 2) if you have 2 cars be prepared to leave when you’re ready to leave and let them meet you there. If you’re having people to your house, once again tell the passive aggressive guests will be arriving about a half hour earlier than when you really expect them 2) don’t count on your passive aggressive to do anything helpful to get ready for them, unless he/she really likes having guests over and entertaining.

If you’re dating a passive aggressive, expect them to be late if they show up at all. I had a husband once that stayed in the bar and bragged about how I had a big Thanksgiving dinner at home waiting for him. By the time he wondered home we had all eaten and I had everything cleaned up and put away. I didn’t make excuses for why he wasn’t there. It was the way it was. Our trying to excuse their behavior is part of how they keep getting away with it.

Now for one of the hardest tips of all. If you have a passive aggressive spouse or partner, etc. that you are spending the holidays with and they are the type that makes rude comments or snide remarks in front of other people, you are not going to retrain them today. If you haven’t stopped this behavior already, you’re too late to not have it continue in front of family and friends for the holidays. The most important thing you can do is not react to whatever is said. Now you know why I said it’s the hardest.

You can 1)snipe back in humor which may shut them up. It’s worked quite well for me in the past, but then you can’t be surprised if they spend the rest of the time sulking like a small child. 2) If you just ignore it and go past it, odds are he/she will either prove what an ass they are by steadily getting worse on the comments, or they will get bored and go on to something else. If what they are doing/saying doesn’t get to you, they aren’t getting the reaction they want which is for you to “lose it”, odds are they will stop.

If you’ve spent more than one holiday with this person or these people (in case it’s your whole family) and they are passive aggressive, you know what to expect. This year do something different. Expect it to be the same as it has been. It is insane to think that by some miracle these people are going to change, but we can change how we react to them.

Poor Stevie

Passive Aggressives all around me. No wonder I’m nuts! LOL. What is that? “They walk amongst us”. Even my poor Psychokitty is passive aggressive. LOL. While she leans against me, or comes into the toilet when I’m in there, she’s dying to be petted and even will let me pull her tail to turn her so I can pet her,  she turns her back to me. If she faces me, she wants to bat at me. She cannot accept the love I want to show her, and she fights it.  She is fearful because her mother abandoned her when she was just a baby, baby kitten.

She cannot see too well and while those of us that love her have managed to work things out on her terms, we have not been really able to be as close as we would like because you never know when something we do may frighten

My PsychoKitty

her and she tries to claw our eyes out. She wouldn’t mean to, and she wants the love we have to give, but out of fear she strikes out and pushes the love she could be enjoying away. Sound familiar?

Black kettle

It’s been so interesting watching the new inter-action between my passive aggressive mother and my passive aggressive boyfriend. My mother has always thought he was just the cat’s meow when we lived in the bigger house. They really didn’t have much interaction other than when he would cook and serve her dinner. She had her TV and a recliner with a table in her bedroom, so she didn’t really come out to the rest of the house much except to get a drink or something to eat. Since moving into a smaller place, now she comes out with us to sit and watch TV or read the paper. Now it’s a whole ‘nother story. LOL.

Yesterday afternoon she looked me dead in the face while the BF was gone and said “How did you ever get with him?” I said, not understanding what she was getting at “What do you mean?”

She says “Well, you know, he just doesn’t seem to fit your type. He never smiles, he’s always sighing or muttering under his breath, and he watches me like a hawk”, which was her real motivation for the question.

Actually I have told both of them that they should have found each other before the BF and I did because they make a much better couple. They are extremely alike. Now that their having to spend so much time together I’m seeing that that may not be a good thing. One thing they have in common is they both talk about each other behind each other’s backs, to me instead of to each other. It’s probably just as well as my mother is much more aggressive when confronted that the BF and she would probably eat his lunch. LOL.

So I just told her “I don’t know Ma, what attracted you?” She looks at me really funny.

“Gee, don’t you recognize him? He’s exactly like the love of your life, my Father!” She started to shake her head no, when I said “Oh yeah, they’re exactly alike. Dad used to do the same things. If you asked him to do something he would give this big sigh that said what an imposition you were, and then begrudgingly go ahead and do what it was you asked.  They are amazingly alike, and if Dad were still alive, he’d love the BF.”

That pretty much ended that conversation for the day. LOL.

Don’t forget to take advantage of the free offerings here and please, feel free to leave a comment or tell us your story. We can help support each other.

Oh Boy!

To give in? This is kind of like “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one but the lightbulb has to really want to change”. LOL.

The passive aggressive BF and I have little rituals that have been going on since we first started seeing each other and then living together over 10 years ago. I’m sure many of you do also. We never leave the house without giving the other one a kiss good-bye. We never hang up the phone without saying “I love you”, etc.  At least that’s how it usually is.

As you know when the passive aggressive is upset with you about something they have their little subtle ways of letting us know without coming right out and discussing it. My passive aggressive boyfriend starts barely kissing me when we kiss goodbye. This is so lite, any lighter you wouldn’t even be touching lips. That’s usually my first clue. I’ve decided over the last year or so when that happens, I don’t need a kiss at all, so I quit. I don’t have the energy for that crap anymore. It doesn’t take him too long to get the clue that I’m not into that game, and he comes looking for the kiss goodbye, and starts putting some feeling back in it.

Also as many of you know who have been reading here for awhile, it’s been a long time (really long time) since there’s been any intimacy between us. That’s right. Absolutely no sex. So I decided I could live without that too. I don’t know if it’s because I’m post menopausal, although to tell you the truth I think it’s more because women need an emotional connection most of the time to have sex, and if you’re with a passive aggressive partner or spouse, this element tends to be lacking, which is our case.  I started emotionally backing away from him a few years ago out of self-defense. I find things don’t bother me so badly that way.

I don’t know what happened and I don’t pretend to know what caused it, but the passive aggressive boyfriend ‘caved’. That’s right. I can’t believe it!

It started a couple of days ago when we were on the phone. I was getting ready to hang up, said the usual goodbyes, and he rushes in this fast “I love you”. I told him I loved him too.

Then last night as he was getting ready to go to the store, I was sitting at my desk and he came over and kissed me goodbye. He really kissed me. I was shocked to say the least. I always try to reward him when he does something I like with a “thank you” or “that was really nice”.  You know, kind of like you reward a child for good behavior to encourage that kind of behavior in the future. All these years I haven’t been so sure it’s taken, but I keep doing it anyways. I think because I never want him saying he doesn’t do something because I reject him or don’t respond well. That’s the usual excuse. He says the reason he doesn’t reach out for me is because he was rejected and called an animal in the past. Personally I think that’s a lot of BS and just a lame excuse, but who knows?

And then comes the “piece de resistance”. He’s actually been sort of cuddling me at night for about a week. According to him the part he didn’t like when we were sleeping apart for the months in the motel was not being able to feel at least my feet touching him. Yet when we moved into our new place it seemed like he was very careful to stay way over on the edge of his side of the bed. When I mentioned it he said he had actually cuddled with me most of the night. I told him he was full of it because when he touches me I usually jump and it wakes me up. Last night after we went to bed, we both woke up about the same time an hour or so later and he starts rubbing my back, etc. Last night for the first time in at least a few years, he actually initiated love-making! Like I said, I don’t know what brought it on, and considering what’s happened over the last week it’s taken him that long to go ahead and give it a shot, but I certainly hope that wasn’t enough to last another few years or so. LOL. I guess we’ll see.

It’s very important to guard your own mental health and self-esteem. That’s why I wrote the post about building your own Self-Esteem file, and why I’m passing on this gift to you today.

I received an email inviting me to the Outrageous Health Wellbeing Giveaway. All you have to do is sign up for free, confirm your email address, and they will send you the link to get all these free gifts. For each gift you decide you want you will probably have to fill in your name and email address, but you can cancel at anytime if these guys start bombarding you with sales letters, etc. A lot of them have some really good newsletters with motivational tips and more in them.

These are mostly online gifts like ebooks or mp3 downloads, but there is some really good stuff in there. There are a bunch of weight loss gifts, but more importantly for our use are some really great building your self-esteem and positive living gifts.

I hope you find something you enjoy and is helpful. Just click on the banner below and it will take you to the registration page.

If you find something and think it may be helpful to the rest of us, please leave a comment and share. Thanks.

Sometimes no matter how much we love(d) our passive aggressive spouses or partners, there comes a time when we can’t or won’t take anymore and it’s just time to go. We start thinking about leaving our passive aggressive relationship. For many of you it’s taken many years to come to this conclusion. I remember when I was quite young and my parents split up after 18 yrs. I swore to myself at that time I would never stay in a relationship I wasn’t happy in. My first 2 marriages only lasted a year and a half each. LOL. (That’s what happens when you get married way too young and for stupid reasons). Life is just to short to waste the time. Of course now, I’m not terribly unhappy, but I wouldn’t say it’s like wedded bliss either. I think I’m too distracted with other things right now to care one way or the other, which isn’t too good on my part either. As I’ve gotten a lot older I’ve mellowed quite a bit and probably slipped into just being comfortable for now.

Like you all, I surf the web quite a bit looking for information to help me understand more about the passive aggressive, and to help me help you. After reading so many comments here from people that have just had it up to their eyeballs, I came across a site that was offering a free book. It looked like it could be extremely useful for any one that’s thinking about leaving the passive aggressive relationship their in. So I downloaded it and read it. For only being about 21 pages, I think it says quite a lot. In fact I thought it was good enough to pass on to you.

Sorry the picture is so small.

This book was written by Nora Femenia, Ph.D and President & CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions in Florida. She has some excellent sites on the subject and an excellent blog. (Links to 2 of her sites are in my sidebar on the right, as well as the link here). I have received her permission to give this book away to my readers for free to anyone who wants it. All you have to do is right-click the link, choose “save as” or “save link” or something similar to that depending on your browser, and download the e-book. It has been scanned by my security for viruses, etc. and is perfectly safe. I don’t do any tricky stuff to acquire info on you or anything. I’m not techie enough even if I wanted to. LOL. It is in .pdf (Adobe) format, so you will need Adobe reader on your computer, but most of them come with it so it shouldn’t be a problem for you. If you have any problems, let me know.

She has a few different books for sale on her site, plus if you buy one you get 2 more e-books and a coaching session with her as a bonus. Usually the coaching session alone costs a small fortune by anyone doing that kind of thing. Thank you again Nora for your generosity. I am not an affiliate, and I get no compensation for this. I just thought it might be helpful to some of you. Here’s the link.

LeavingARelationship

Don’t forget to take a look at the updated recommended reading list also. Man, I’ve been a busy Ladybeams! LOL.

People have been asking about the passive aggressive and commitment so I thought I would write a little about it now.

If you’re looking for true, real, deep down commitment from a passive aggressive (like the I’ll love you till I die kind) you’re looking in the wrong place. While you may get them to marry you, which I have to say the shack-ups (no offense. I’m one) outnumber the marriages by my tally, they still never really commit. They don’t know how and they’re scared to death of it.

I’m a prime example. I’ve been engaged to my passive aggressive BF for almost 10 yrs. He told me from the beginner he’s a “sticker” meaning he sticks in the relationship for as long as I’ll put up with him, but actually walk down the aisle, forget it. (Thank you, God). And he is. He sticks like frickin’ glue. LOL. He doesn’t hardly socialize. He doesn’t go out and he doesn’t have any friends that he keeps in touch with. At the same time, he doesn’t cheat, he doesn’t come home drunk after hours at the bar, and he doesn’t beat me. There are some good things.

Here me LOUD AND CLEAR. A passive aggressive does not commit. They are afraid if they do they may get dependent on you. The also don’t know how to commit emotionally to anything or anyone. If you’re in the dating stage, you may think he’s committed, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that’s true. He probably wants to be, but he doesn’t know how and in most cases isn’t willing to learn. What’s really hard about the passive aggressive you fall in love with is most of the time their so damn good at hiding how passive aggressive they are.

If you’re in a relationship with a man who
1) has no interaction with the family he was born in to
2) has no interaction with a family he created in the past
3) was abused in his childhood and didn’t rebel
4) has really old fashioned views on discipline based on how he was raised (really harsh)

odds are you’re dating a passive aggressive. And if you’re like me and you’re the one making all the moves sexually, don’t expect that to change either. At first I thought the passive aggressive BF was just “old fashioned” and being polite. I had listened to different sayings he had and the way he talked, so I thought he just really cared for me and didn’t want to scare me off. WRONG. After we got together he didn’t reach for me either. I used to talk to him about it. He just said he had been accused of being an animal before so he wasn’t like that anymore. BS.

He was never like that or his first wife wouldn’t have been caught cheating on him. His girlfriend after that that he really cared for wouldn’t have left for another man, etc. He’s just been lucky with me in the way that
1) I’m too old and lazy to start training again (altho I may revive)
2) I’m too busy to care about anything else right now
3) When I had so many opportunities the relationship was still new enough I always thought of him first
4) Last but not least, I believe in breaking things off first, before I go messing around (although that could change at any minute. LOL)

If you’re looking for a man that does what he says, is devoted to you like we see in the movies (which we all know is a fairytale but some are better than others), and wants to only be with you, do things with you around the house, be social with your friends, blah, blah, blah, you’re looking in the wrong place if you’re involved with a passive aggressive person. They don’t have and probably will never get, a clue.

Don’t forget to check out the new Recommended Reading List (heading at the top of the page) and please, we would love to hear your story or leave a comment on the post. Always glad to learn and share ideas.

I got rather long winded in Rekindling the Flame With A Passive Aggressive Pt. 1 yesterday, but here is part 2 as promised.

Upfront I would like to apologize to Dr. Harville Hendrix for being rather disrespectful yesterday when I referred to him as “this guy Hendrix”. I’ve since done a little more research and he’s quite the Ph.D and a best-selling author on relationships (which by the way I have updated the Recommended Reading List over the last few days, so you may want to take a look). A couple of his books look very interesting for the kind of  relationships we’re in. I confess I haven’t read them yet as I just learned about them, but they look like they have strong possibilities and have received very good reviews.

Now, onto the “rest of the story”. LOL.

One thing Dr. Hendrix says besides that conflict in a relationship is natural is that “Divorce does not solve the problems of a relationship. We may get rid of our partners, but we keep our problems, carting them off to the next relationship.”  Personally I’m not sure how much I agree with that statement. I’m facing problems now with my passive aggressive BF that I have never faced before in my life, like no “intimacy” for example. Oh sure I’ve had times in my life where you go to bed angry (a no-no) and nobody touches anybody, but I’ve never experienced it as a way of life. Yes we take our problems with us as far as any problems we personally have, but we don’t take their problems with us which is usually what divorce solves.

Researcher John Gottman, head of the Gottman Institute says he can spot couples with 90% accuracy that are doomed to fail. He says what happens is couples in midlife are exhausted from conflict. I can see where that would be the case. After awhile you get tired of beating your head against a wall. I know I myself just resigned myself to living this way.

He describes these couples as “These couples are alienated and avoidant. They are people you see in a restaurant who are not talking to each other. They raised kids together, but there is not much going on with each other and they realize their marriage is empty,” he says. “These couples stifle things and do not raise issues with their partner. Their marriages are a suppression of negative emotion and a lack of positive emotion. It is a very passive and distant relationship with no laughing, love or interest in each other. This style of suppression can cause intense loneliness that’s almost like dying.”

I think that last line describes it very well. How many of us involved with passive aggressive partners or spouses have felt so terribly isolated and alone? I think from the comments I get here and the research I’ve done, it is definitely a common symptom.

People ask themselves, or other people ask them “If you’re so unhappy, why don’t you leave?” or “Why didn’t you leave?” when it’s someone who has lived miserably for several years. I think we all know the answer to that.

Even though we know it’s futile, we can’t help holding on to the hope that things will change, that the man/woman we fell in love with will return, and we’ll live happily ever after. Another big reason people don’t leave after awhile is because, while it may be a state of unhappiness, it’s known. It’s a “comfort zone”. They just get tired of starting over.

One of the short videos on Dr. Hendrix’s website answers the question “What if my partner won’t work with me?” He says to do the work yourself then, which is what I’ve always said about therapy or counseling. If he/she won’t go to couples counseling than at least get help and support for yourself.

If you’ve decided you’re interested in “Rekindling the flame with your passive aggressive” I wish you all the success in the world. If it works please share with us what worked for you in the “comments” section. We’d all like to know. LOL.

Leading in to my post tonite, I wanted to post the results of the old poll on the left hand side. (Hint: If you don’t scroll all the way down to see what’s in my sidebars you may have missed it. LOL). 50% of you have been with your passive aggressive partner or spouse over 11 yrs. 38% of you have been with your passive aggressive partner or spouse only 1-5 yrs. (I say only like it’s almost nothing. We all know better than that, don’t we?) So tonite the 50% that are still with their passive aggressive partners have my attention and the 38% might want to read on because of a “don’t let this happen to you”. LOL.

I received an email and the headline was “Rekindle the flame”. I’m female. I’ve been with my passive aggressive boyfriend for a long time. Love-and-affection-wise it’s not the relationship I’d always dreamed of so I read it. The article actually is quite interesting. I just happened to notice a few flaws.

As we get older we start to appreciate long-term relationships more than we did when we were young. We are realizing that we are mortal and our priorities change as far as how much time we have left and how we want to spend it. We value the time (for some, decades) we’ve spent with our partner or spouse, we still believe in being faithful and committed, but we’re not getting the love and affection we always thought went along with all of that (you know, that stuff that makes you sigh in the movies). A good reason for that is all the resentments and anger we hold on to through the years.

According to this article, underneath all the resentments is still the love, but we have to work through the anger to find it. I agree with that whole heartedly. I started holding back myself when I started getting resentful at the lack of emotion, intimacy, and everything else that usually goes in a relationship when two people love each other. I get that part. I just want to know how do you “work through it” with a passive aggressive who rarely says a word when it comes to the problems you’re having in a relationship? (Which is probably why counseling rarely works with them).

The main person giving advice in this article like every other relationship counselor, once again brings up “date night”. If you’re new to this “figuring out your relationship” stuff it’s when you set aside at least one nite a week for a “date” with your partner or spouse. Her idea is to switch off weeks. One night it’s your turn to plan the evening, take care of any reservations, and take care of any child or eldercare that has to be squared away. Next week he does it all and makes all the plans. Can anyone besides me hear “Oh, was that tonite?” or “I forgot to…make reservations, get a babysitter, etc.?”

Then there’s the old “schedule a time for a discussion”. If you’re not happy about something tell him you need to talk to him and set a time within the next 24 hours. Am I just being cynical here or am I right that by 24 hours he “doesn’t remember” the incident, or he won’t talk at all?

The one thing I will say about the article is that this guy Hendrix writes on his Web site, harvillehendrix.org, that conflict is a natural part of relationships. “Conflict is supposed to happen. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to get its needs met and become whole. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. At least that sounds positive. “Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive”. Isn’t that the truth!

There’s more to go but this is getting way too long, so I will finish it tomorrow along with giving you the link in case you’d like to read the article or explore the site yourself. Until then…

Hey Everyone! Hello world! Yeah, I’m now back up and running on a regular internet connection instead of on the free WiFi and life is okay! LOL.

First let me apologize to the people who left comments in the last several days. I’m terribly sorry it took so long to get your comments approved, and I will be answering each one of you as soon as I finish here. Thank you for your patience. I do realize life goes on whether I’m here or not, but I usually try to get to comments quickly. Now I’m “Comcastic” so it should be really quick. LOL. (Can’t tell I’m happy about being back on line, can you?)

Ohhh, I’ve missed everyone so much! Every day it seemed like something would happen that I wanted to share with you. I should have written down reminders. Then I would find myself wondering how you all were doing. We get some pretty good conversations going and I hated not being able to respond, but we’re good to go now.

We’re almost on the last leg of our moving. We have one more storage to clear out and then everything will be here. I have no clue where we are going to put everything, but after living in 1 hotel room for 4 months I feel blessed to have to worry about that.

Moving in here is probably one of the most trying situations I’ve had with the passive aggressive boyfriend so far. I’ve realized a few things that are like “new” discoveries even after being with him for so long. I think also my patience has worn a little thin with having so much to do and my business being on hold, etc.

Right now the passive aggressive seems to be in a “sniping” mood. He won’t say anything directly to me, but keeps making these little comments behind my back to my mother. I’m working on this one. I don’t tell him my mother tells me because I don’t want him turning on her. At the same time I’m wondering if he says the things he does in front of her so she will tell me. I don’t know. I just currently find a way to address the issue without involving her. At the same time I’m realizing what a little meddler my mother is. LOL.

Another BIG realization is even more how much like my father my passive aggressive boyfriend truly is. He’s also in the “one of these days I’ll do something right” mode which just irritates the hell out of me. My father used to use that when he knew he was wrong, he was caught, and he had no way out. “I know I’m a terrible father. I know I haven’t been the best…” Aaaaaa, can you hear me screaming? LOL.

I think that’s probably another reason why my patience is so short. I’ve been there, done that. I didn’t like it then. I hate it now. What really bothers me is I feel like he thinks all I do is bitch, but that’s truly not the case. I do like to “discuss” things like how we’re going to set up the livingroom, where things are going to go, etc. That’s the way it should be. I am really interested in his input. The passive aggressive really doesn’t like to discuss anything. He does things without thinking them through, then pulls the “woe is me” crap when it’s all screwed up.

I have so much to tell you, but this is already pretty long so I’ll save it for tomorrow, and the next day, and the next… LOL. I also have that review I promised on a short book I read on the passive aggressive, and remind me to tell you “the yard story”. LOL.

Have a happy Sunday and thank you all, again.