My oldest daughter was up for a visit after the holiday. We were talking about the passive aggressive boyfriend when she asked me “Don’t you think you’re a little passive aggressive also?”

I said “I’m sure I am to a certain extent. It rubs off on you, you know”. LOL

Thinking about moving, normally I would think this would be a great time for the passive aggressive and I to part ways. Unfortunately, due to finances we will be going together. I have been asking all along how he felt about where to move to and couldn’t get anything out of him. I finally told him I thought we would move closer to my kids (8 hours away) since he doesn’t keep in touch with his kids (2 hours away) anyway. That finally got an opinion out of him. Supposedly he really loves where we are, and we should look here first.

If anyone doesn’t know from my writing, or my answers to some of the comments, I am a Christian. (I try to get better at it all the time. LOL). My passive aggressive and I have been “living together” for 11 yrs. Since all we are is platonic roommates, are we still “living in sin”? Question for my Pastor I guess.

Rereading the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” these days. Like many of you I found myself in a rather deep depression with very defeatist thoughts. It’s time to lift my spirit back up to where it belongs, remind myself of all I’m capable of.

Thinking of moving this blog. WordPress is very restrictive on what it will and will not allow. I’m thinking about just buying my blog name in a domain name and moving it to a different server. Then people would just type in the name of the blog without the “wordpress” .com. What do you think? I know I would lose some people, which I would hate, but it would be a rather slow transition so people would know where we moved to to continue the conversation.

So how is your New Year starting out? Anyone make any life changing desicions? We have a whole clean slate out ahead of us. Let’s see what we can make of it!

I love watching ‘The People’s Court’ and ‘Judge Judy’ on TV. Even though Judy can be a real witch, I like her no-nonsense approach to the law. Same with Judge Milian, “the hottest judge on television” LOL.

I would have to disagree with one of Judy’s favorite sayings is “that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true”. Well, she obviously hasn’t lived a life like mine, because my saying is more like “truth is stranger than fiction. I can’t make this stuff up!”

Lately, on Judge Judy’s new court cases (she does have a lot of re-runs), I’ve noticed her describing some of her plaintiffs/defendants attitudes as ‘passive aggressive‘. It’s like she has just discovered it. She must have said that to at least 3 different people in the cases she handled last week.

Of course, every time I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. Maybe for all the years people have been tossing the words around, knowledge of it is going to make it into the mainstream. Passive aggressiveness has always been treated sort of like people that are mentally abused in any way, like it’s all made up. I believe it is because people are uneducated. Unless people have been there themselves, there is no way they can understand.

I got such a kick out of Judge Judy’s favorite new words being ‘passive aggressive’ I just had to share. LOL.

I am full caregiver for my 80 yr. old mother and partial caregiver to my 80 yr. old neighbor. Last week my back completely gave out, and the passive aggressive boyfriend had to take over. Except for forcing myself through the pain to go to the bathroom, I was totally bedridden for three and a half days. On the fourth, I started making myself walk a little, as I had read if you rest too long you actually put yourself in a worse position as far as weakness, than you were in to start with. Not only that, but I really needed to be back on my feet.

I have to say that if it weren’t for my PA boyfriend, I don’t know what we would have done. Luckily, one day he didn’t have any work scheduled, and then the next 2 days he called in as we were in no shape to be left alone.

He did quite well. He took care of my mother’s and my needs, basically, checked in on my girlfriend a couple of times a day, did the grocery shopping and cooked delicious dinners while I was down. Believe me, between the 2 older ladies and me, he was kept hoppin’, but God Bless him. He did it. LOL.

A passive aggressive just cannot help but let some of that passive aggressive behavior out somewhere when he/she is doing something they resent. They just can’t. When I have to be to any kind of meeting, etc. and the passive aggressive boyfriend has to serve my mother a meal, once she is served he never goes back unless she calls for him. He doesn’t check on her to see if she needs anything. He doesn’t get her dishes and bring them out to the kitchen.

One of the ways I get my mother to get up and sit in her chair instead of laying in bed all of the time, is to bribe her with a cigarette. You would think with all her time in hospitals where she couldn’t smoke, she would have quit for good, but not her. LOL. (C’mon, she’s 80. How much more damage can 3 cigs a day do to her? It’s one of the few pleasures she has left). When the PA boyfriend gives her her cigarette, he lets her just sit at the side of her bed, which really doesn’t do her any good. I’ve let him know that she needs the exercise of getting up and down in her chair, but I guess he figures he won’t have to take care of her, so who cares? So she had almost a week of him caring for her where she never had to get up. Thank goodness we’re back on track now.

The other thing is the toilet. We have warred over who will put on the new roll of toilet paper, whether he puts down the seat or I put it up, etc. (At one time the war got so bad when his son was here about leaving the seat up, between the two of them I just started putting it up after I was done each time. LOL) When I hurt my back so bad, the last thing I could do was bend over without feeling like I was going to break in half. The passive aggressive boyfriend’s new thing was to not only put the toilet seat down, but the lid also. There was no way I could bend over to lift it. I screamed for him over and over. I even said once or twice about not getting him to put the toilet seat down most of the time, now I couldn’t get him to leave the lid up! Sure enough, the first morning I was actually getting close to normal, he left the seat up.

They just can’t help themselves, I’m telling ya! LOL. All in all, I would have to say he was quite good, and having a passive aggressive as a caregiver I’m sure could have been a lot worse. I just think I would rather not have that experience again.

Thanks to LayoutSparks.com

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80′s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

I was in the ‘behind the scenes’ answering comments when I came upon a discussion about trying to “fix things” and how some people feel like failures. I think that’s a common feeling for most of us. What we need to remember everyone is “THEY FAILED US”. We did not fail because we could not fix them, or because we didn’t love them enough. They failed us because they didn’t know how to be in an emotionally connected and loving relationship. While maybe our marriages, or relationships may have failed, that does not mean we failed. We were essentially “unarmed” for the fight.

Please, as you start to think those kinds of thoughts, and they will try to fill your head, please remember we are, or were ok when we got involved with them, and we can be okay again. They probably never will be.

Credit to "thetwentyfirstfloor.com" for illustration

They are discussing turning ‘personality disorders‘ into ‘personality types’ and eliminating another 4 personality disorders. It is already so hard for us to find a therapist that truly understands passive aggression, because it’s not in their DSM-IV. As I have mentioned before, if you’re looking for a therapist to help with a passive aggressive spouse, child, parent, you need to interview the therapist well before you start paying for their time. Many simply will not recognize that the problem actually exists.

Originally they were going to eliminate 5 personality disorders from DSM-5, paranoid, schizoid, histrionic, dependent, and narcissistic. They now have decided to keep ‘narcissistic‘ and eliminate the other 4. This will make it even harder on us, the ones seeking help because many of our passive aggressives overlap categories. Once DSM-5 comes out, the above personality disorders will not even be acknowledged any more.

If you would like to know more, you can visit DSM-5.org If since dealing with your particular passive aggressive you have been exploring the different personality disorders, you may find this very interesting. They also have a section of public comments. Though it is closed for new comments as of June of this year, it is interesting to read what others have to say.

I just realized looking at my posting, it seems my life has so gotten in the way that I’ve only been posting about once a month lately, although I have approved comments and made some comments of my own more often than that. I cannot believe how life just passes one by so fast, and so much time I can never get back.

Hear that people? Every day that you spend being miserable is a day you will never get back! Scary thought isn’t it? Especially when you think about the fact that we all have an “expiration date” even if we don’t know when it is. What would you do if the date on the bottom of your foot was, oh let’s say, 9/15/2011 (because we know almost everything is the first, the middle, or the end of the month. LOL)?

Okay, so on with what I was here to talk about. (I am still here, lurking in the shadows, paying attention. Oh, wait a minute, that sounds kind of creepy. LOL)

For those of you who had read my post about “How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?” about my passive aggressive boyfriend not telling me for 11 yrs. that he was still married, that problem has been solved.

I wish I could say by him, but that’s not the case. He, in his typical passive aggressive behavior fashion, never did a thing to set things right after I found out the truth. Unfortunately, his wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s at a memorial for her today. I say unfortunately because I actually liked her. I knew her before I knew he and her even knew each other, let alone had been married. I would have gone also, but I have a lady I watch out for that was expected home from the hospital today, and I have my mother here with me, which I could not leave for that extended length of time. One of the reasons they had split was because she had cheated on him, amongst other things. I have since learned a couple of other females he had been very involved with had left also. While anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows I don’t condone cheating, with “walking in her shoes” I do understand it.

He has told his kids he needs a copy of the death certificate. My curiosity has me wondering what he plans to do with it. I am surprised he even thought enough to do that. As you all know, the passive aggressive doesn’t usually think that far ahead.

Now, where do I stand? Do I want to marry him if he should be dumb enough to ask? The answer would be an obvious “no”. It’s too late now. He should have married me before I put the “I can see you’re very passive aggressive” glasses on. LOL. (The rose-colored ones wore out).

But, at the same time, I’m having a hard time because I’ve been “living in sin” for 11 yrs. At the same time, we don’t have sex, rarely even sleep in the same bed, so is that the same as really “living in sin”? I’ve told him and you how we’re really just roommates. (If you live with someone and you’re not married, I am not against that. I am not judging anyone here. This is my own thing). Who would really be dumb enough to actually marry a passive aggressive when they know that’s what they are? NOT! LOL.

So we go on as we are, until things are situated and he can go his way and I can go mine. Like many of you who feel trapped by finances, etc. I understand completely, but he does know, or at least I’ve told him, once things are taken care of, we’re done. In the meantime he buries his proverbial passive aggressive head in the sand as if everything is just fine.

What worries me is there are a couple of things I have to count on him for, so will he make excuses because he knows that? Or will he try harder hoping to make up for the passive aggressive behavior in the past? So far it’s not looking so good. LOL

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

]]>