If it wasn’t for you guys here I think I might have gone insane!!! I had no idea that PA could be so deadly. And it is. It kills people slowly by depriving them of love, affection, companionship and the wonderful gift of life. And if not treated they are gonna die very lonely people. That I believe in my heart.

I have recently broken up with my PA boyfriend, who is also and alcoholic sober (I use that term loosely) for 22 yrs. I fell in love with that man the 1st month we were together and the relationship moved very quickly from there. He move in and here I am 8 months later miserable. The guise he put on soon dissapeared,but I was hooked!!!

I did everything I could think of to make things better, special sheets on the bed, dinner every night, doing everything he hasn’t had in years nothing worked, in fact they got worse. The withholding of intimacy and affection, the non-verbal/one sided conversations grew worse every day. I knew nothing of PA disorder until I was complaining to my girlfriend and she said “:that sounds so PA” And it dawned on me…he was. He was adopted @ the age of 3 by alcoholic parents, the father being horribly abusive in every way and the mother not being a mother either. His whole childhood a nightmare! And so the beat goes on.

My boyfriend is classic #1 with a little sprinkle of the others added. I received an education here and and understanding of this disorder. It’s amazing how I lowered the bar everyday, sacrificing myself self respect and my expectations.

I’m still crying everyday,but not for the same reason, my ego is smashed by him because he’s not fighting for what he wants. And I want him to, but that is certainly not gonna happen. This I know. He’s just letting everything “slip away” and that really hurts. So much in fact I have had a headache for the last 5 days, since I asked him to leave. I had been working up to it for quite some time now, praying for the strength to do it. Sick as it may sound I was almost willing to deal with it, (I can fix him). But I imagined my life 5 yrs from now and it wasn’t pretty. I knew if I felt this way now it wasn’t gonna get any better. Just worse.

I am so angry and saddened for him that this is his life. And he knows he needs help, but is too stubborn to go back to therapy. He had been in therapy for years at one time. But I think he’s just too darn stubborn to let go and dive into this therapy with everything he’s got. He see it as a sign of weakness and embarrassment.

But, with your help and the other people here it has shed so much light on everything. I know my hurt will subside in time. And I’m gonna be alright. Before I didn’t know what was wrong. And what a load off my back when I found this blog. I can not express to you my thanks enough. Thank you again for showing me the whole story.

Jen

So anyway, there is another wonderful website that has some links about this behavior. It’s largely for people dealing with infidelity, but has lots about marriage, family and life. People can just browse or they can post their stories and get feedback/advice. It’s helped me intensely and I wanted to share it. It’s “surviving Infidelity.com”. On it are all kinds of people, from all over the earth, in various stages of dealing with adultery. There are also spouses who did it and want to reconcile.

Some people will tell it like it is and can come across as more harsh than others, but again, it’s provided more help and comfort to me than some every day life has.

The advice about meeting with family on your WS side (wayward spouse) is really good, because what if the sister goes back and tells him?

What I found in that regard is that losing his family for me meant more change and I suspect that’s really what I want to hold onto-any sameness I can. Yes, I too, try to be simple and not give much away for words, for they can show up anywhere on the wind or in the plumbing and come back to haunt.

What I’m finding is that karma is something that “comes around the mountain” like Grandma and people who lie usually can’t do it forever. My ex is having this happen and is slowly running out of resources in his family and also, they and others are seeing through some of it at a time.

It’s just so much change all at once, so much to sort through and make sense of.

And yes, as you fill in the new pages of life’s book, I hope they will contain periods of sun and rainbows now and surety of yourself.