The Female Passive Aggressive

female PA  I don’t get a lot of comments from men here, but I think it’s  definitely worth a mentioning. We don’t have to be romantically involved for a female’s passive aggressiveness to affect us. We have passive aggressive mothers, sisters, girlfriends.

I do have to say though, that I find the m.o. of a female passive aggressive vs. what we women go through with our male passive aggressives, to be quite devastating for the average man.

Now, that’s not to say what happens with women isn’t devastating, but somehow I think we are more equipped to handle what is happening. As women, we get right down to the research, reach out to others for support and understanding. Men aren’t used to working like that, so they have more of a tendency to keep what they are going through private, thus not taking advantage of what support systems they may be able to utilize.

A big disadvantage the man has is that most of them have never understood women period, let alone a passive aggressive woman. Most of them succumb to tears, temper tantrums, because they have no idea what else to do. This makes at least these two expressions of emotion great manipulative tools for a passive aggressive female.

There are two cases I know of that are almost identical. One is from a mother-in-law’s point of view regarding her daughter-in-law, and the other is from a dear friend of mine who got involved with a passive aggressive female a couple of years ago, and hasn’t been sane since. LOL.

In both cases the passive aggressive females had been abandoned by their mothers at a rather early age. One was raised by her relatives, the other by an alcoholic father who decided he really couldn’t take care of her, and abandoned her also. Needless to say, when it came to nurturing, neither of these women received what they needed.

In both cases, neither of the passive aggressive females will go to counseling. My friend’s girlfriend agreed at first (I think just for posterity) but then seemed to keep coming up with excuses not to go.  The therapist ended up quitting on them as she never knew if they were going to show up or not.  Both women seem to be “not” dealing with abandonment issues and are quite needy because of it.

What’s funny to me, is my friend even calls his relationship “crazy-making”, understands that his girlfriend is passive aggressive in “some ways”, but really doesn’t get how incurable it is, especially when she doesn’t want to address any of her issues.

In both cases the passive aggressive female, like the passive aggressive male counterpart, wants to cut off all outside relationships their spouses or Significant Others have. My friend who is a mother-in-law, is lucky if she ever sees her grandchildren. Her son has been so manipulated by his passive aggressive wife, he hardly has anything to do with his mother. When he does, many times it’s backing up his wife’s passive aggressive behavior, hurting his mother even more.  The other passive aggressive female has been trying to build a wedge between my male friend and his mother almost since the very beginning of their relationship. His mother is quite elderly, and he has a very real sense of responsibility toward his mother, so his girlfriend is finding that relationship a little harder to break up.

He and I don’t hardly speak anymore because she was threatened by our relationship.  Passive aggressives usually understand they are being unreasonable and don’t want their spouses or Significant Others talking about their relationship with anyone else. In my male friend’s case, his girlfriend said he should be talking to her instead of me about the things that bother him, which I agree if that’s possible. Yet when he tries, she goes into a huge crying jag, or a screaming match. Then she totally breaks all communication stating if they can’t have the perfect “fairytale” relationship, they shouldn’t have any at all. After 3 yrs. I’m hoping my friend is starting to see that he may be better off letting her go to find that kind of romance, instead of being the brunt of everything bad that ever happens.  There is no way he can ever win with her.

Unfortunately, in both these cases, all the people on the outside can do while getting their hearts broken, is wait for the one in the relationship, be it son, friend, brother, etc., is wait until they’ve finally had enough. As we can see from how long passive aggressive relationships can last just from reading the comments on this blog, that could be a very long time.

 

New Year, Same Old Passive Aggressive

t-shirtHere I am starting the New Year with the same old passive aggressive boyfriend. Like many, I have made my New Year’s Resolutions (although I prefer to look at them as “goals” instead of “resolutions”, hoping that will help me keep them longer). I have also seen where many people declare either a word or a “theme” to live by for the New Year.

I have decided I think, my word or theme shall be “Self”. I am going to be: a little more “Self-loving”, not beat myself up for how other people, namely the passive aggressive, choose to live. I choose to embrace the “three C’s” of Al-Anon which are: I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it. I can’t cure it.

I plan to be a little more “Self-Indulgent”. Get out and start doing a lot more of the things I like to do and seeing more of the people I want to see.

Being more “Self-Reliant”. When the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together so many years ago, he said he believed the man should do the “man things” of the household like take out trash, do the yard work, etc.  As a response to that, I have found through the years that I have allowed myself to rely on him to do a lot of things I really could do myself. When he doesn’t do them, as we all know most passive aggressives won’t do something when you are relying on them to do it, I would get upset.

I have informed my dear passive aggressive boyfriend that this year, I shall not ask him to do anything I cannot do myself. This will benefit me two-fold. I won’t have to end up being a nag (which I have hated being put in that position), and I won’t keep upsetting myself when he doesn’t do something I’ve asked him to do.

On the things I really do want the passive aggressive to do, I ask him every day to please “don’t forget to…” right now, it’s drain the water heater. I have been asking him for almost a week. I haven’t decided on whether I will warn him I am about to “lose it” if he doesn’t get it done, or I’ll just ask him how many more days he thinks I’ll have to remind him before he’ll do it.

Last, but not least, is “Self-Control”. I am taking control of myself. My life, as much as humanly possible. My self-defeating attitudes, spending more time looking at the positives. There are some positives, just most of the time what those are seem to escape me. LOL.

2013 was a very enlightening year for me. I had a melanoma removed, which lucky for me hadn’t spread. I had an EKG which told my doctor I had had a heart attack at some point, though I didn’t know it. (I hadn’t been to a doctor for an actual check-up or anything since about 2000). I feel like I actually got a second chance, or two second chances, to live. This year I will live healthier, count my blessings more, and learn once again to appreciate who I am.

What’s your plan for 2014? What are you going to do in the New Year with the same old passive aggressive? Or maybe your plan is to prepare not start next year the same way?

Diagnosis: Passive Aggressive- The DSM-5

Personality Disorders

Personality Disorders

Earlier this year, the American Psychiatric Association forming a DSM revision committee, finally published the DSM-5 Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The revision has been many years in the making since the last revisions to the DSM-IV, the DSM-IV-TR. For those of you who are unfamiliar, the DSM is like the “Holy Grail” of mental illness diagnosis.

One of the easiest changes to recognize is that instead of being titled “DSM-V” as the others have been, this volume has been titled “DSM-5″ so as to make it easier for simple additions or revisions, such as DSM-5.1.

Unfortunately, the DSM-5 has not helped us who are victims of other people’s personality disorders such as the Narcissist, or the Passive Aggressive. When the “Powers That Be” were originally deciding what to include from the old DSM-III and DSM-IV, they came extremely close to removing Narcissistic Personality Disorder just as they basically have the Passive Aggressive. Instead they have moved these disorders to a section of their own in which it’s a little cloudy. Under the guise of “needing further investigation or explanation” these are not concrete diagnoses.

While we, as spouses or Significant Others are fighting so hard to get the help from someone who is educated and understands what we are going through, it seems as though the world of psychiatry/psychology are becoming more and more ambiguous.

I recently added to the “Recommended Reading List”  Tina Swithin’s book regarding her custody battle against her Narcissistic husband. She is fighting for better education of the court system and the people that hold children’s lives in their hands. Unless these people fully understand what they are up against, they will continue to make poor decisions when it comes to custody in divorce cases.

Billy Eddy, author of the book “Splitting” and President of the High Conflict Institute is working diligently to get more people educated in personality disorders.  He believes education should start in law school and be mandatory continuing education.

If you are hunting for a therapist as part of your support system, remember that they are going to be working for you. Ask them if they are familiar with what ever personality disorder you’re having to deal with such as passive aggressive or narcissistic. There is hardly anything more frustrating than going to a therapist for help, only to find out he/she is charmed by your spouse just as you were originally, and they too have no idea what has happened.

 

 

 

A Passive Aggressive’s Best Friend: The Excuse

planbNotice: Before I get started, I would just like to say for those of you that comment with some elaborate story on how your love life fell apart and you lost your spouse/partner/dog, until you went to some “Spellcaster” and now you’re living happily ever after, don’t bother. I have to approve all comments and I can spot affiliate advertising a mile away. All those comments go right to the trash. If I have readers who actually believe in that stuff, I’m sure they are already Googling it.

It never ceases to amaze me the excuses of the passive aggressive for not doing something. Some things I have been asking my passive aggressive boyfriend to do around here for a solid 2 yrs. I don’t know if he’s run out of excuses and that’s why he’s developed this new technique or what.

Now when I ask him if he thinks he’ll have time to get to such and such, his new thing is “I was going to do that in the morning” or “I was going to do that when it wasn’t so hot” or what ever other “I was going to…” he can come up with.  One day I just said to him “Isn’t it uncanny how our two minds work exactly the same all these times I ask you about taking care of something, and you are always just going to get to it. It’s amazing!”

Sometimes I feel like if I here “I was just gonna do that” one more time, my head will explode! LOL.

Now mind you, my passive aggressive is totally retired and has absolutely no schedule for anything. He reads the paper, does the crossword, and watches whatever sports or sports highlights he can find on TV.  We moved here two years ago, and he hasn’t worked a day, and we are finally down to one moving box that still needs to be broken down and put out for recycling.

I think I get the most bitter about his passive aggressive excuses or not doing something, when it’s something to do with my safety or taking care of me. The headlights on our car were aimed too far down and at night they didn’t illuminate much of the road. We live in a place with no streetlights. I was coming home from a weekly bible study and could have killed myself due to the lack of vision. I had to actually nag and get angry almost everyday to get the passive aggressive to take some action and fix them. It’s times like that that make me realize he really doesn’t care anything about what happens to me.

What kind of excuses for the passive aggressive’s procrastination do you get around your house? Oh yeah, “I forgot” is still prevalent here. LOL

The Passive Aggressive Officially Retires

retirementHallelujah! The passive aggressive boyfriend has turned 65 and is able to start collecting Social Security. This definitely takes some of the stress off of both of us. Now I can quit nagging him to look for work and I only have to nag him about doing things around here! LOL.

The PA boyfriend lives his life these days mainly doing crossword puzzles and watching sports. We live in a rented house and there are just a couple of things I’ve asked him to do around here, but I’ve been asking for 2 yrs.! One job, getting rid of the boxes from our move here two years ago, is almost complete. Why am I not in heaven?

One of the things that hasn’t changed is the pathological lying and deception. I just ran across a letter from Social Security that they are going to dock his retirement checks for the money he owes to the VA for medical. I knew he left a big bill the last place we lived, but I have been asking him since his first visit to the VA here for a bill. In the usual passive aggressive way, he kept swearing he hadn’t received one yet. This is why I say that the passive aggressive has moved up to “pathological” liar. Come to find out he’s received a few bills and a couple of letters requesting payment, yet lied straight to my face each time I asked him. There was absolutely no reason for hiding the bills.

The other thing the passive aggressive boyfriend and I are having a tug-of-war about these days is Medicare. Since he has the VA, I don’t know if he needs Medicare medical and drug plan or not. He has Medicare hospitalization, but I don’t know if he needs a supplemental plan. I know with my mother, her Kaiser has been a life saver.

I guess, in all reality, I shouldn’t be bitching. I’m still here, or he is. Nobody to blame but myself for that.  LOL.

Happy Mother’s Day! How Does Your Passive Aggressive Handle It?

mother and son

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day Ladies. I’ll be curious as to what today brings. Considering a good portion of the men that are passive aggressive come from mother’s that were either neglectful, non-nurturing, or overly controlling, not allowing for any self-expression, it’ll be interesting to see the different ways different passive aggressives handle Mother’s Day.

This morning I’m going to church with my middle daughter. I had told my passive aggressive boyfriend I was planning this, and then she and I would be going to breakfast afterward. Last night I discovered he thawed out a roll of breakfast sausage. I have no idea what that is for, but it would be typical for him to use the “I forgot” excuse, and then making me feel guilty about going out. That is typical passive aggressive behavior.

I must say that I remind him every Mother’s Day that I am not his mother, that it’s not up to him to worry about me, but he always does something special such as flowers, or fixing my favorite dinner. His mother is deceased, so there isn’t the dragging him to the phone fight we used to have every year on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

How did Mother’s Day go for you? Did he cave into his mother’s demands? Did he spoil you a little? or was it just another passive aggressive against the rest of us kind of day?

Love to hear your feedback.

Latest And Greatest In Passive Aggressive Behavior

My passive aggressive boyfriend has taken a new approach to trying to make me second guess myself, so I thought I would share his latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior.

Any of us involved with a passive aggressive knows how good they are at making us doubt ourselves, second guess ourselves. Somehow everything we thought we knew, we wonder under the passive aggressive’s constant scrutiny, if we ever really knew anything at all.

My passive aggressive boyfriend and I have been together for 13 yrs. now. He is a total sports fanatic, and I’m sure that’s one of the ways I got him (lucky me) was that I knew quite a bit from betting on football, etc.  When we first got together I was very willing to also learn hockey, was already a NASCAR fan, and “got it” when it came to baseball.

Over 13 yrs. I have managed to surprise the passive aggressive  on several occasions that I actually get the strategy of the games, etc. I don’t know if his latest passive aggressive behavior is meant to make me feel stupid, make him feel needed, or just to make him feel like he still has an edge, but I find it utterly ridiculous.

His newest passive aggressive behavior is to use a very uncommon term, (one he hasn’t used in 13 yrs.) for a very common thing, be it a penalty, a point after goal, or what ever.  Of course I’m using the common phrase, and then figuring I missed something, ask him what it is he’s talking about. Then we go round and round and it turns out to be the very thing I said it was to start with.

The latest has been with NASCAR  season starting, we get to talking about the beginning qualifying races that set the field for the Daytona 500. I mention about the first race being the “Bud Shootout”. He says no, the first race is a qualifier and I must have it confused with the “shootout” in hockey. I just knew I was right, and this is something this man has followed like the bible for most of his life.

I went right in to the computer and looked it up. Sure enough, the first race is the Bud ShootOut, then the Gatorade Duals to set the track for Daytona. Until this year, of course. LOL. Now it’s called the “Sprint Unlimited” and the “Bud Duals”. That’s ok. Doesn’t matter. The passive aggressive didn’t know about all the changes yet, so it just goes to show he was just screwing with me to begin with.

I don’t know if after all these years he’s feeling threatened in the one part of the world he was always the expert in or what. I don’t know, maybe he’s afraid he’s losing it. (Have I done that good a job on turning the tables?) Whatever it is, this is the latest and greatest passive aggressive behavior from my PA. Yours trying to play any new tricks on you since you confront him on the others?

 

 

Random Thoughts About The Passive Aggressive

I hope everyone survived Valentine’s Day ok without a lot of tears, etc. Just in case I thought I would post a few random thoughts about the passive aggressive.

Yesterday on AOL they had “13 cards you wish you could send your ex”. Here are a couple of them I thought were especially good. goodbye cardsgoodbye cards

 

For those who have made it through

 

 

 

For those making the decision

 

 

 

 

And last but not least, for the rest of us. LOL. (Please excuse the language).

I'm ok

I was glad to see yesterday some attitudes toward Valentine’s Day are changing. We had a couple of comments here where people were finding other ways and other people to give love to instead of relying on their passive aggressive to come through with something special. Even my own daughter had a less cynical outlook than usual (unmarried at 30).

Hope one of these at least brought a little smile to your face. Have a great day.

Valentine Or Sitting Duck?

heartWhich will you be this year? Will you be the passive aggressive’s Valentine or a sitting duck? To me, this has got to be the passive aggressive’s favorite holiday, right up there with Christmas when it comes to disappointment.

If you and the passive aggressive are on the outs, or you’ve called duck targethim/her out on his/her behavior, this is the perfect time for him/her to sweep you back in. If the passive aggressive is malicious enough, he/she knows how much this day means to you and will use it to hurt you yet one more time.

They say it’s worse to be with someone and still be lonely, than it is to just be alone. I would say that would be the case with most that are married or involved with a passive aggressive. I’ve noticed this year there seems to be a lot of clubs, etc. advertising parties for people who are not someone’s valentine. There’s nothing saying we can’t partake in something like that, celebrating the fact that we’re just alive and full of love ourselves, with or without anyone else.

If you are one in a position that whenever it comes to something special, your passive aggressive lets you down, now is as good a time as any to change that!

pa valentineFirst, don’t expect anything special. This way if he/she screws up it won’t hurt as bad because you weren’t expecting anything special anyhow. If he/she does do something or remembers Valentine’s Day, it will just be icing on the cake, not something you’re depending on.

Second- There’s no law says we can’t do for ourselves what we would have liked someone else to do for us. Pamper yourself. Put everyone on notice you are doing things on this day to love yourself. I know if you have little kids or schedules, there are still things you have to work around, but there’s nothing saying you can’t pick yourself up a bottle of wine, some roses for the bath water, and anything else you want to spoil yourself. Then when you have the time, enjoy it. Remember how much you used to love yourself and how you are so worth it!

Third- You must have single friends or relatives. They probably aren’t loving this day either. See if you can get together for lunch or to do something fun so that you enjoy at least part of your day. It will help going into the evening.

And- If you’re really ambitious, you could bake some cookies and take them to a homeless shelter, or old folks home. Or grab a big bunch of cheap balloons and do the same. To see the light on the faces will fill your heart with so much love, nothing could take that away.

It’s up to you to take the mindset that you need to love yourself. That you are worth loving yourself and being loved by others.  Certainly we can do that for ourselves at least once a year. We have to be pro-active when it comes to the passive aggressive. Otherwise, you’ll just keep drowning.

So, are you going to be a Valentine or a sitting duck?

Children And Passive Aggressive Behavior

What do you do with children that obviously have passive aggressive behavior?

If you’ve been with me for any length of time, you know that my first advice if someone has children and they are married to a passive aggressive spouse, is to get out and save the children. All too often the children have a tendency to pick up the passive aggressive spouse’s behaviors.

Children also have the ability to take on these behaviors all by themselves when they start resenting the responsibilities put upon them by their parents.  In a way it’s no wonder children will behave passive aggressively, as they feel they have no other choice. In my house I was definitely not allowed to talk back or squack about what I was told to do. As a result, I had to take my little sister (6 yrs. younger) with me every where I went from the time she could walk.

As I was doing some research today, I came across an article by Signe Witson on Psychology Today who talks about a mother who asks her oldest daughter to take the 2 younger daughters to the bathroom while they are having a meal in a restaurant. While the oldest acts obediently, she travels at such a pace, she loses both her siblings on the way. When Mother is upset, the oldest daughter acts in complete surprise and blames her siblings for not keeping up.

This is such a familiar story to me. I can remember behaving in such a manner when I was a kid, and I can remember my oldest daughter on occasion behaving the same way regarding her siblings. Evidently now there is a book to help parents deal with these kind of situations called “The Reality Rub”.

The Reality Rub is recommended for use with kids who manipulate reality to test limits. The goal of the Reality Rub is to help kids re-organize their thinking and clarify reality by discussing their blurred, distorted, or self-serving perceptions of an incident.

This sounds like it may be a perfect place to start if you have kids that are always testing your limits, or who are developing their own passive aggressive behavior habits that would serve them better if they used that energy in more constructive ways.

 

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