13 Yrs. With The Passive Aggressive And Counting

Flowers, candy, prime rib

I celebrated 13 yrs. with the Passive Aggressiveboyfriend a couple of months ago. When I started this blog many, many, posts and comments ago, I would read comments from women who had gone through misery being with a passive aggressive for 20, 30, and more years. I wondered how they stood it. Now I know. Time just keeps on ticking and before you know it, you’re looking at more time behind you than in front of you!

I have taken a break over the last few months trying to get my life in order, clean up lose ends, and see if my not complaining to you here would make any difference in how I looked at things. Maybe I would be more positive, etc. Instead, I have found myself closer to violence than I’ve ever been. LOL. I told you in the beginning the only way to survive being with a passive aggressive was with a sense of humor. In the turmoil of the last couple of years, I think I lost some of that.

The Passive Aggressive must have been getting it that I was close to the end as he has become extremely helpful with my mother, although acts like he’s put out at the slightest deviation from routine.

The PA boyfriend doesn’t really ever say anything when he’s annoyed, but he has this habit of lifting his neck way up and turning his head around, almost like a chicken. I’ve been calling him on this and the way he looks at me at times when I say something, typical passive aggressive behavior, and he claims not to know what I’m talking about. “What look? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

This weekend my middle daughter got married. The PA boyfriend pulled that “neck thing” on me a couple of times before we ever left the house, the typical passive aggressive behavior. I guess I probably should have warned him how that was getting to me, but I didn’t. I thought once we got to the wedding I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I can hear you out there saying “Wrong!” You’re right. He did it again at the wedding when I had asked him to do something, or told him something we needed to do, he pulled that neck thing, and if I had been close enough I would have knocked his head clean off! LOL. And he knew it!

So here I am my friends, back sharing opinions and hopefully giving helpful suggestions, and finding another way to let go of my anger in a way that won’t send me to jail. LOL

After Leaving The Passive Aggressive…

Good morning! I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have a song for just about everything I do in life. Marg submitted the video and lyrics below, and I thought it was so appropriate, I decided to re-post it here. Enjoy=)

Lyrics-
“Somebody That I Used To Know”
(feat. Kimbra)

[Gotye:]
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[Kimbra:]
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

[Gotye:]
But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

[x2]
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody

Moving Forward- With or Without The Passive Aggressive

As you read through the comments here, since starting this blog many have gotten out of their passive aggressive relationships and moved on to “greener pastures”. While many will admit that in the beginning it was hard to strike out on their own, I think the vote is unanimous that they are glad they left.

For many more, for what ever reasons be it financial, health, etc., some of us are still in our passive aggressive relationships. As I relocate again for the 3rd time in as many years it occurred to me how vitally important it is that we keep moving forward. Even if circumstances make us think for some reason we will never be able to get out, we must proceed as if we will, if for no other reason than to keep our own sanity.

It’s very easy to slip back into isolation, allowing the passive aggressive to have complete control. That is why once again, I am hunting for a new church to belong to, joining a new community in the neighborhood, etc.  What if we gave up hope, decided we would never get out, and all of a sudden our circumstances changed and we weren’t ready? What if you got that “window of opportunity” and you just let it close?

I was talking to a girlfriend the other night and she said the passive aggressive in her life wasn’t passive aggressive, just outright mean. I think they all have a mean streak, otherwise they would work on changing their passive aggressive personalities. Even as docile as my passive aggressive is, a mean streak rears it’s ugly head every once in awhile.

Many passive aggressives just have no compassion or empathy for anyone else. They didn’t have it, and they don’t know how to give it. We cry and instead of holding us, the passive aggressive just feels “accomplished”. It’s important for us to keep moving forward, preparing for a better life, even if it has to be within the one we are in.

Passive Aggressive- Whatever works!

Hope is where you can find it. Tonite I was doing something on the internet (can’t even remember what) and I came upon another article by Therese Borchard called “7 Prayers for the Depressed“. Therese is great, and has been through her own share of problems being a ‘borderline’ personality herself. She writes for Beyond Blue and has so much great advice for picking yourself up and wiping off the dust. If you read my article on the “Self Esteem File” you may remember me mentioning her there.

I don’t know how many of you are “religious” or believe in God, and it’s really none of my business either way, but I believe big time. I often think if I didn’t have God to talk to and rely on, I probably wouldn’t be here (on earth). Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all “preachy” on you here, just sayin’.

So many of us go through terrible bouts of depression due to the situations we’re living in with a passive aggressive person, be it a parent, a spouse, what ever, that sometimes we have to lift our head up before we drown. Below is a link to the site I found tonite where Therese has 7 Prayers for the Depressed. I hope it helps.

New Passive Aggressive Behavior Unpredicted

Since we moved, I have run up against a new passive aggressive behavior that I never predicted. The passive aggressive boyfriend appears to be afraid to leave the house! What the heck? This place is terrific, and every time I venture out I explore a little more, learn more where things are located, etc. I am truly shocked. When we moved to our last place, it was him that learned his way around first, and quickly. I mentioned him going for a Sunday paper the other day and he says he’s “still kind of nervous”.

My mistake I guess was buying his beer and cigs. He really hasn’t had to leave the house, but I won’t make that mistake again. We are so centrally located, he almost couldn’t get lost.

What the passive aggressive has managed to accomplish with this new behavior is that now one of the things he used to do for me without a moment’s thought, has turned into one more thing that I do.  He has applied for work here, but he hasn’t even ventured out to see where it is. Since he could apply on line he figures that’s all he has to do for now I guess.

Is this how a passive aggressive turns into a recluse? I’m really worried about him. My job now is to come up with ways to get him out of  the house, at least for awhile. As I said, this is one passive aggressive behavior I never would have predicted.

Judge Judy’s Favorite New Words: Passive Aggressive

Hi at long last to everyone. Sorry to have been away so long. I think I’ve basically been holding my own ‘pity-party’ for awhile and just didn’t feel like talking. It’s not like all the passive aggressives just went out of my life, LOL, just been rather isolated and dealing with a new set of problems. But I’m here now, have approved all the comments so they could be seen. Deleted some 1653 spam entries (holy cow!), and am ready to move on.

I love watching ‘The People’s Court’ and ‘Judge Judy’ on TV. Even though Judy can be a real witch, I like her no-nonsense approach to the law. Same with Judge Milian, “the hottest judge on television” LOL.

I would have to disagree with one of Judy’s favorite sayings is “that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true”. Well, she obviously hasn’t lived a life like mine, because my saying is more like “truth is stranger than fiction. I can’t make this stuff up!”

Lately, on Judge Judy’s new court cases (she does have a lot of re-runs), I’ve noticed her describing some of her plaintiffs/defendants attitudes as ‘passive aggressive‘. It’s like she has just discovered it. She must have said that to at least 3 different people in the cases she handled last week.

Of course, every time I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. Maybe for all the years people have been tossing the words around, knowledge of it is going to make it into the mainstream. Passive aggressiveness has always been treated sort of like people that are mentally abused in any way, like it’s all made up. I believe it is because people are uneducated. Unless people have been there themselves, there is no way they can understand.

I got such a kick out of Judge Judy’s favorite new words being ‘passive aggressive’ I just had to share. LOL.

Are 40 Million Americans Passive Aggressive?

Thanks to LayoutSparks.com

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80′s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

As If Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders Don’t Exist..

Credit to "thetwentyfirstfloor.com" for illustration

As if Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders don’t exist wasn’t bad enough the last time they revised the DSM handbook (guide for psychiatrists and psychologists called Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), but now they are discussing a new ‘DSM-5‘.

They are discussing turning ‘personality disorders‘ into ‘personality types’ and eliminating another 4 personality disorders. It is already so hard for us to find a therapist that truly understands passive aggression, because it’s not in their DSM-IV. As I have mentioned before, if you’re looking for a therapist to help with a passive aggressive spouse, child, parent, you need to interview the therapist well before you start paying for their time. Many simply will not recognize that the problem actually exists.

Originally they were going to eliminate 5 personality disorders from DSM-5, paranoid, schizoid, histrionic, dependent, and narcissistic. They now have decided to keep ‘narcissistic‘ and eliminate the other 4. This will make it even harder on us, the ones seeking help because many of our passive aggressives overlap categories. Once DSM-5 comes out, the above personality disorders will not even be acknowledged any more.

If you would like to know more, you can visit DSM-5.org If since dealing with your particular passive aggressive you have been exploring the different personality disorders, you may find this very interesting. They also have a section of public comments. Though it is closed for new comments as of June of this year, it is interesting to read what others have to say.

Life Has Gotten In The Way of Even the Passive Aggressive

That’s right. Life has gotten in the way of even the passive aggressive! LOL. I can’t even bitch too much because I haven’t had a lot of time recently to interact with him, which is also why I haven’t been able to post anything new in awhile. Sorry, but I am still here, and am still in my situation, and still interested in how everyone is doing.

I have checked all the comments and approved the ones that were waiting. I would like to explain that while I wish I could just let everyone comment so you guys could go ahead and help each other without me, the SPAM is incredible. I deleted 5 pages, or 86 comments tonight. I don’t have time to read them all and weed them all out, so I read the first page and delete the rest, but if I let everyone comment without looking at them first, this blog would turn into crap, and I can’t let that happen. So, I would ask that you just have a little more patience. After Monday I will have more time again and be much more attentive.

So, as for what I’m up to lately (I figure if you’ve left a comment, I have an idea of what you are up to, LOL, but if I haven’t heard from you lately, please feel free to share), I am running a care center for old passive aggressives. LOL.

I have an older lady friend (80) two doors down from me, I’m bringing my mother home from rehab, and I have the BF. I am a gluten for punishment. LOL. My mother is like a lot of the passive aggressive parents I read about here, except she’s also downright aggressive. My girl friend a couple of doors down, we’ve known each other for almost 30 years, and competed for the same man at one time. She’s been a substantial help to us since we moved down the street from her, except she seems to forget she gets a lot of help in return. And then I have the passive aggressive BF, who used to come home from work and tell me about people wanting to hire him on the side. I ordered him cards, etc. but now wonder if he ever gives them out. LOL. I love it!

With A Passive Aggressive, Can It Hurt More?

I have wondered, when you’re living with a passive aggressive, could it ever hurt more? I am here to say, YES!

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the long sebatical, but I am working in an office with no door, and it is friggin’ cold! LOL. I do my best in the morning, like early morning, and it was either totally raining or totally freezing here. LOL

But I’m back now, and I’ve wondered on occasion what could hurt worse than what I’m going through with the passive aggressive boyfriend?

What can hurt worse than suffering alone, is suffering with a friend that really doesn’t get it.

I got a lecture last night from a girlfriend of mine on how I should be running the men in my life or getting rid of them. I wanted so much to tell her “don’t you think I know that?”  But I am in a position that so many of you are. Sometimes it just takes cash.

So, I will live with what I have to according to what I want to accomplish. I just hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship first. Don’t tell me what an ass my boyfriend is. I already get that. Just show me how to get out of the situation I’m in based on my circumstances, then we will have something worth talking about. In the meantime, please don’t befriend him like he’s the best thing that ever walked the earth. That doesn’t help me.

To all of you out there that feel so helpless living with a passive aggressive, for what ever reason you’re in the situation you’re in and feel like you can’t get out, there is always a way out. You can find yours, as well as I will find mine.