Leaving A Passive Aggressive: In A Song

I saw her perform this on the CMA’s last night and thought it was excellent for us.  The song is “A Little Bit Stronger” by Sara Evans. The words are below the video.

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of pain, but I brushed my teeth anyway. I got dressed through the mess, and put a smile on my face. I got a little bit stronger.

Ridin’ in the car to work, and I’m tryin’ to ignore the hurt. So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you. I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it. I’m gettin’ a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. It doesn’t happen overnight, but you turn around and a month’s gone by, And you realize you haven’t cried. I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer. I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hopin’ that we could work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. And ohhh, and I’m done thinkin’ that you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Gettin’ along without you baby, I’m better off without you baby, How does it feel without me baby? I’m gettin’ stronger without you baby. And I’m done hopin’ that we could …

Quiet In The Passive Aggressive Household

The BF’s son is at his mother’s, my kids have left, and it’s just the two of us until Sunday, at least. Needless to say, after all the activity it’s very quiet in the passive aggressive household today.

Needless to say not another thing has been mentioned by the passive aggressive boyfriend regarding his long time secret. In fact after I mentioned it the second time, I guess he thinks that’s all there is because ever since then he’s acted like it never happened.

I didn’t mention it to my kids while they were here before Christmas because I didn’t want things to be awkward. The day after Christmas they all took me out for my birthday, and I told them the BF was still married then. Of course they asked for details, etc. but then I was rather surprised at how non-plussed they were. They asked what I was going to do next, but they really felt like it was not really that big a deal. It was like “so they just never got to the paperwork. No biggie.”
It’s hard to believe that 2 of these 3 kids didn’t even like him for a long time when we first got together. LOL

In the meantime, over the holidays I had to take back a mobile home that I had sold on an installment contract 5 yrs. ago. The guy had quit making payments, and has done nothing but basically ruin my life for the last 3 out of the 5 yrs. For some reason about 2 yrs. into the contract he felt I should just give him the mobile, that he shouldn’t have to pay interest on the loan, etc. It’s been a mess. I held an auction, no one bid, so it reverts back to me. I am currently waiting for him to get out. In the meantime, while he’s moving out, he is completely gutting the place. It’s a wreck. He’s ripped out all the carpet, and anything else he can as far as I can tell. I haven’t been inside yet, but just from what I could see, I have a mess on my hands. I had already decided we were going to move back into it. I love the location and we will save a fortune in rent compared to the place we’re in now. I never dreamt that he would destroy it. I should have known. He’s the biggest narcissistic sociopath I have ever come across.

When I started this blog about my passive aggressive boyfriend, I stated that I stay for convenience. That even though I’m not getting the sex, love and affection I need, I don’t have time in my life to pursue anything else. He is helpful at times, especially in the past with my mother, and he’s put up with a lot that no other man would have over the last 11 yrs. I am cleaning up old loose ends, getting a couple of businesses going, and I don’t want to have to worry about anything else.

I have decided that even in light of this new found knowledge about him still being married, I am going to go on with things as they have been, for now. This is because it’s easiest for me. It has nothing to do with how he acts, what I feel or don’t feel for him, etc. It has to do with the fact he really doesn’t put demands on me and I could use the help to get moved, do repairs, etc. It’s not a matter of any great love-loss here as much as it is having someone to help share the burden of this next step in my life. I could never do what needs to be done by myself. I’ll worry about the other stuff later.

In the meantime, thank you all for your support and for being here for me. It really means a lot to me, and helps me keep things in perspective. Please feel free to say whatever you have to say. I think about each comment.

Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20′s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?

Me, Tony Robbins, And The Passive Aggressive

You read it right. LOL. This post is about me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. No, I wasn’t lucky enough to meet Tony in person like on his show “Breakthrough” or anything like that. I had bought a couple of his tape programs awhile back and was revisiting them. Of course Tony is great in the fact that he believes we need to live with passion, with “juice” as he calls it. One of the sets of tapes I was listening to goes through every aspect of your life, including relationships. Uh-oh.

Being involved with a passive passive aggressive, like many of you in long term relationships with same, there hasn’t been any “passion” here in a long time. Passion kind of flies out the window on the wings of lack of intimacy and affection, or bolts out the door with the lack of responsibility.

I’ve been with my passive aggressive boyfriend for 11 yrs. now. We have had sex once in the last year, probably 2 or 3 times in the last several years. Why? Because I got tired of always being the aggressor and quit.  For him, being passive aggressive, withholding sex is a regular part of their passive aggressive behavior, so it’s no big deal to him. I started this blog saying that I have learned to just “go with the flow” and for where I am and what I’m doing in my life, this hasn’t really bothered me. He doesn’t place a lot of demands on me (although he really does, he just does it covertly), and so it works out well for both of us.

Listening to Tony Robbins about living with passion has made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I’ve been doing the exercises for relationships just like I’ve been doing the exercises on Goal Setting or any other part of my life that I’m trying to improve.  This one gets a little tough.

Many of you ask me when you know it’s time to leave the relationship. I’ll tell you I am finding that out first hand the hard way. My first instinct when some of you write what you’re going through, especially if you have children, is to tell you to run as far and as fast as possible for the best exit. Yet I had 3 kids when the passive aggressive boyfriend and I got together, although I didn’t realize what I was dealing with until a few years into it. I worry all the time that my son who was the youngest at the time, is passive aggressive. I hope not. But through these exercises I’m learning how tough, but yet how necessary some of these changes may be.

Tony Robbins says some relationships go through 4 killing stages.

1. The first is “resistance” where your passive aggressive does something that raises the hair on the back of your neck. You wish they wouldn’t do it, but you don’t say anything.
2. The second is “resentment” where your passive aggressive tells the same old story, or does the same thing you hate over and over, your skin crawls, but you still don’t say anything.
3. The third is “rejection” where you take all this “stuff” that has been building up, your passive aggressive does something, and you kind of “over react” or find little things to nit-pick about. Tony says by this time we have “stacked” so much stuff and we get really angry. If  you don’t split at this point, then you reach
4. The fourth thing that will kill a relationship which is repression. This is where I am. I’ve done all three above. This is where, yeah you love him, he’s an okay guy, a great “roommate” but there is no passion, not for the relationship, not for life. There is no fulfillment.

Tony Robbins says you have to get honest about what your goals, values, etc. are and what your mates goals, values are, and if they just are not aligned, you need to do something about it. If your needs aren’t getting met in any area of your life, whether that’s intimacy or responsibilities, or what ever it may be, chances are you are not meeting your mates needs either (of course we all know it’s almost impossible to fill the needs for a passive aggressive). He does say that you just can’t flit from one relationship to another because you can never run away from you, but if you’re in a relationship that is killing your spirit, even though it’s scary, even though it takes courage to step out on your own, if you ever want to have a life that is personally fulfilling and live a life with passion, you need be honest with yourself and with your partner. The life you’re living isn’t fair to either of you. I know I don’t fulfill my passive aggressive’s needs, and I know I do it out of a type of revenge. Really, that’s no way to live life.

I’m working on that. Usually I don’t have such a hard time bringing up things up to him like this, but maybe I’m afraid once I do this time, I might just decide it’s time to let go. Or do I stay because it’s “convenient”?

Why are you still there? or when did you decide it was time to leave? Love to hear how you made the decision. Me, Tony Robbins, and the Passive aggressive. Will we make it through this one?

 

 

“Innerbonding” A New Weapon Against PAs?

As I read a lot of the comments here (thank you all who have contributed so much), a lot of us are asking the same questions. What in me is causing me to fall for him/her? Why can’t I break away from the passive aggressive? What causes me to want to hold on to the passive aggressive spouse/ boyfriend/ parent? Who am I anymore?

In my travels around the web, I ran across the site “Innerbonding“. While we may not be able to cure the passive aggressives in our lives, we can certainly do what we can to heal ourselves from the hurt they have caused.

They have a free 7 day e-course for you to get a taste of what they do. They also are conducting free teleclasses, which the subject matter looks very interesting to me, especially for some of us here. There is a class tonite at 8 pm Pacific time and I know you won’t really have time to get on that one, but the one I am interested in making sure you know about is on Sept. 16 at 6:00 PM Pacific time titled “How To Know When To Leave A Relationship“. This class is FREE of charge and will be conducted by Dr. Margaret Paul, one of the founders of the site.To register, just click here and scroll down. Be sure and register for any other classes you may find of interest while you are there.

This is a membership site. I have not joined as a member, but there is a ton of great info on here for free as far as articles, newsletters, etc. They also have many different products, “The Relationship Toolbox”, etc. that you are able to purchase. She also conducts groups that are conducted by telephone at $50 per 90 minute session, but again the ones I’m most interested in are FREE.

They also have a site called “Self-Quest” that you may want to go roam around in. Obviously not every thing is going to be a “cure all” for everyone, but if you have been doing some soul searching lately you may want to check these two sites out.  If they ask, you can tell them Ladybeams sent you. If you purchase anything, it’s possible I’ll make a small commission, but as I said, there is a ton of free stuff on there to take advantage of.

Hope you find something helpful there.

The Passive Aggressive and Me

I’m going through a really hard time right now with my mother in ICU for the last 3 or 4 weeks, which brings some into a little retrospect.  My passive aggressive BF is of no help at all, which is fine. I know him. I know how he is. I know what to and what not to expect.  It’s been ok. That’s why I’m here. I figured between the sense of humor, and just accepting, that things were ok. They were ok for me at least. I’m starting new businesses, I’m busy, I don’t have time for all that romantic stuff anyway.  But over the last few days I’m starting to rethink.

I haven’t been happy or joyful in quite a while. That’s not necessarily his fault. It’s up to me to choose how I feel. But you know, sometimes it would just help to feel like the one that is closest to you was by your side, or even on your side. My mother has been in ICU for 4 weeks now. He basically never asks how she is, can he go to the hospital with me, nothing. And actually, I guess that’s ok for him, because that’s who he is, and I know this. Lately, I’ve been wondering if this is ok for me. Usually I don’t question how he is, because basically we’ve come to an understanding that we don’t really care. We are Platonic roommates. It has worked out ok for both of us. But now I’m wondering, come towards the end of my life, do I want more?

I remember what it was like to have a man take care of me instead of vice versa. I remember what it was like to have someone wrap you in their arms like there was no one else on earth.  I remember what it was like to have a man take care of me instead of the other way around. I remember what it was like to be so wrapped up in a man’s arms that you thought nothing on earth could ever touch you.

Even at my age, I think the things I want and need are still possible. The passive aggressive and me may need to have some conversation.

Memories of the Passive Aggressive Relationship

Many times what keeps us sucked into a relationship with a passive aggressive are the memories of how it “used to be”.  We remember how things were in the beginning. We remember the person we fell in love with before they started showing their passive aggressive behavior. We keep hoping we can get that person back, recapturing what we’ve lost.

Memories are something that we have for a lifetime.  There are some instances when all we really want to do is forget about the world and move on with our lives.  If you’re thinking about a divorce, this can be the most difficult time of your life and remembering only the good things can make it even more difficult.

Obviously, it will depend on how long you were married as to how many good and bad memories you have. For some people they may be getting divorced after many long years of marriage. For them, they will have had their share of ups and downs and it is important for them to hold onto the good memories so that they can keep a positive attitude towards life.  At the same time, you need to be able to remember the things that have happened that are causing you to think about divorce as a solution in the first place. It is remembering all the passive aggressive behavior, the sabotaging, and making you crazy, that will  help maintain your strength to do what you feel you must.

When you are going through a divorce, it will seem like everything will bring up a familiar memory to you. You will want to make sure that you are going to be able to deal with those times and all the feelings that come along with it.  You may have to find a way to cope with them and get past the things that remind you of the ‘good old days’.

There are many times when you are going to have these feelings of old memories come rushing back. You will have the comfort of these memories as long as you are able to control the way that they make you feel. You want to be able to keep these memories in the back of your mind but you also want to be able to get past the bad feelings that some of these memories can leave for you.

If you are looking to try and forget the memories of your life that you had before your divorce, it may be an uphill battle. It can be pretty tough to wipe a shared lifetime out of your mind and heart. You do not want to forget the good times that you have endured especially if those memories included children. At the same time, you want to be able to look back on those times with happiness and not be disappointed or upset by them.

You should remember that you will have many new memories to make for yourself and your family. You want to take comfort in the fact that you still have a life to live and you want to make the most of the life that you have now. You want to go on and continue to enjoy the good things in life as much as you can. In time, you will find it easier to let go of the past and get started with the new beginning that you are about to go through.

The hardest thing that you can do is shut out the memories that you have created with someone that you loved even if now you are no longer in love with that person.  You will want to grow with these memories and find ways to accept the fact that the past is gone. You now have to live for the future and what it holds in store for you.  A divorce is not the end of the world should you decide to go that way. You will just have to find ways to move past the hurt and get to the good stuff that lies ahead.

How do you handle the memories associated with your passive aggressive boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse? Have you aligned yourself with the fact that the “way it was” may not ever be again “the way it is”?

10 Questions- Living With A PA- Part 2

As promised, here’s my “Part 2” to the “10 Questions- How Do You Live With a Passive Aggressive?”

6) If you’re planning on staying with this passive aggressive partner/spouse, how do you see your own personal development in the future? Doing as I am not, living with but apart from him. I like to do a lot of things, many of which he doesn’t care for. He also doesn’t like to leave the house much when he’s off work. I see go out with friends once in awhile, am becoming more involved with the church, etc.

7)  Do you think you have some special powers to deal with him/her, some special understanding? What “powers” or understanding would that be? The only special “understanding” I have is knowing what causes passive aggressive behavior and the common traits. As far as any special “power” I probably have the same “special power” any woman has over a man, sex. LOL. While he may not ever reach for me, he’s never pushed me away.

8)And what about your needs? how do you feed your needs for love and connection, for recognition and for continuous personal growth? I maintain a lot of friendships, and I’m not very needy. I have my work that I’m very involved in and I’m always starting new projects or working on cleaning up old ones.

9) What is his/her weakest aspect, the one that endears him/her to you (and possibly makes you stay to help him/her, or makes you feel guilty about leaving). I wouldn’t call it a weakness really. I would say his loyalty, knowing that he would never cheat on me or leave me, that I don’t have to worry about him. I also know that even with the lack of true affection, intimacy, and emotional connection the way we think of emotionally connecting, he would be devastated if I were to leave or throw him out.

10) What about the future? How do you see old age for the two of you? What about you if he/she continues to frustrate some of your present needs now? How are you going to replace what he/she is not providing for the shared life of you two? I see us continuing on as roommates into old age. In the beginning I had wanted very much to marry him. Now, even tho we live together I wouldn’t marry him on a bet. LOL. Although if we stay together through “older age”, at some point it may be advantageous for us to get married from a legal, health, or tax standpoint. Marriage does have some privileges. As far as my “needs”, I’ll probably just stay buried in the stuff outside of us rather than in us. I still enjoy his company for the most part, and when we do go out together we have a good time. That’s good for me for now.

There you go. My answers and I’m “sticking to them”. LOL. I welcome all comments so feel free.

Leaving The Passive Aggressive- PT 2

Due to a comment left on the blog, I got to thinking about my original post “Leaving The Passive Aggressive“. While we all know divorce isn’t easy on anyone, we all hope to go through it without shell-shock. Often times that isn’t possible depending on the type of person you are married to. I think it’s important that even though you want to fair, genuinely maybe still care about the other person, you need to be prepared for war, which is what leaving the passive aggressive can turn into.

All of a sudden, this passive aggressive person who couldn’t get off their butt to mow the lawn, or vacuum the house, whichever the case may be, now has nothing but energy to put into making your life miserable. The same one who “forgot” any thing you asked him/her to do, now appears to almost have a law degree. If your passive aggressive is not the kind that leaves and never looks back, he/she may be the kind to swing in the totally opposite direction. Remember, in their minds they have done nothing wrong, it’s all your fault, and they feel justified in what ever they do to you.

You need to remember that now you are just one more person that has inspired their anger. All of that deep seeded anger from childhood that caused them to be passive aggressive to start with will rise closer to the surface now, and you are likely to be the target. If he/she was deceitful in your marriage, you can expect that to be much worse now. It’s very hard as a normal thinking person to imagine how badly someone may react. As I have mentioned before, if you are the one that is leaving, be sure you have anything that is really important to you packed and ready to go. If you are staying, and they are leaving, be sure you have things that are meaningful to you put away somewhere for safe keeping. It is not unusual for family heir looms, wedding rings, etc. to just “suddenly disappear”.

Not only did my ex make me sign over my half of the house in order to get my children’s things out, but the day after we had gone to court, agreed to joint custody and no child support because we would each have the children 50% of the time, he was at the welfare office claiming I had abandoned the kids and collecting medi-cal and cash. Of course the system wants that money back. I had to fight them for 2 yrs. in court and prove that my ex was making a ton of money, shouldn’t have even been on welfare, and prove I had the children most of the time, before I finally won and they turned to go after him for welfare fraud.

While we all just want to get through it when you’re going through a divorce, and you hope that you can act like two grown adults, you have to remember that to a certain extent, you’re dealing with an overgrown child. A child doesn’t always care what is right or wrong when it comes to getting what they want.

I ran across a site this morning in my internet travels called “divorce360.com“. They have forums, blogs, checklists for the different stages of going through the divorce, financial calculators, etc. Really a lot of information. If you are planning on leaving the passive aggressive, or maybe you’re going through the split right now, you may want to check them out.