After Leaving The Passive Aggressive…

Good morning! I don’t know if you’re like me, but I have a song for just about everything I do in life. Marg submitted the video and lyrics below, and I thought it was so appropriate, I decided to re-post it here. Enjoy=)

“Somebody That I Used To Know”
(feat. Kimbra)

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done
But I don’t wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know

(I used to know)
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)

Judge Judy’s Favorite New Words: Passive Aggressive

Hi at long last to everyone. Sorry to have been away so long. I think I’ve basically been holding my own ‘pity-party’ for awhile and just didn’t feel like talking. It’s not like all the passive aggressives just went out of my life, LOL, just been rather isolated and dealing with a new set of problems. But I’m here now, have approved all the comments so they could be seen. Deleted some 1653 spam entries (holy cow!), and am ready to move on.

I love watching ‘The People’s Court’ and ‘Judge Judy’ on TV. Even though Judy can be a real witch, I like her no-nonsense approach to the law. Same with Judge Milian, “the hottest judge on television” LOL.

I would have to disagree with one of Judy’s favorite sayings is “that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true”. Well, she obviously hasn’t lived a life like mine, because my saying is more like “truth is stranger than fiction. I can’t make this stuff up!”

Lately, on Judge Judy’s new court cases (she does have a lot of re-runs), I’ve noticed her describing some of her plaintiffs/defendants attitudes as ‘passive aggressive‘. It’s like she has just discovered it. She must have said that to at least 3 different people in the cases she handled last week.

Of course, every time I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. Maybe for all the years people have been tossing the words around, knowledge of it is going to make it into the mainstream. Passive aggressiveness has always been treated sort of like people that are mentally abused in any way, like it’s all made up. I believe it is because people are uneducated. Unless people have been there themselves, there is no way they can understand.

I got such a kick out of Judge Judy’s favorite new words being ‘passive aggressive’ I just had to share. LOL.

With A Passive Aggressive, Can It Hurt More?

I have wondered, when you’re living with a passive aggressive, could it ever hurt more? I am here to say, YES!

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the long sebatical, but I am working in an office with no door, and it is friggin’ cold! LOL. I do my best in the morning, like early morning, and it was either totally raining or totally freezing here. LOL

But I’m back now, and I’ve wondered on occasion what could hurt worse than what I’m going through with the passive aggressive boyfriend?

What can hurt worse than suffering alone, is suffering with a friend that really doesn’t get it.

I got a lecture last night from a girlfriend of mine on how I should be running the men in my life or getting rid of them. I wanted so much to tell her “don’t you think I know that?”  But I am in a position that so many of you are. Sometimes it just takes cash.

So, I will live with what I have to according to what I want to accomplish. I just hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship first. Don’t tell me what an ass my boyfriend is. I already get that. Just show me how to get out of the situation I’m in based on my circumstances, then we will have something worth talking about. In the meantime, please don’t befriend him like he’s the best thing that ever walked the earth. That doesn’t help me.

To all of you out there that feel so helpless living with a passive aggressive, for what ever reason you’re in the situation you’re in and feel like you can’t get out, there is always a way out. You can find yours, as well as I will find mine.

What Would A Passive Aggressive Father Do?

broken familiesIf you are married to a passive aggressive and are “staying together for the sake of the children”, you may want to read this.  I would venture to say that most families with a passive aggressive parent eventually implode, or explode, but rarely come out well adjusted. Of course I would like to again state here for the record, I am not a therapist or doctor of any kind, and I do not have the statistics to back me up, but I am very opinionated. LOL.

So, what would a passive aggressive father do if he was about to watch his kid jump off  a cliff? You would hope the passive aggressive father would stop the child, right? Isn’t that what any normal parent would do? In the case of a passive aggressive parent, I’m not so sure.

I wrote about one of my passive aggressive boyfriend’s sons in “Passive Aggressive Offspring” the last time I posted. Unfortunately that situation has only gotten worse. He’s up half the night and sleeps half the day. He lives by the TV in the living room as we have no where else to put him right now.

Last week we were supposed to go somewhere and get something done early, say around 9:00am. He had been up about 10 min. after 8:00, and his alarm or phone had gone off a little while after that, and all he did was cover up and go back to sleep. This son is a grown man. Naturally when he did that, I assumed he changed his mind about going with me and I let him sleep. When he finally got up that afternoon, he asked if I had gone without him. When I said I had, he said how I could have got him up. I explained to him that he’s 41 yrs. old. I assumed if he wanted to get up he would have.

There was some excuse for the next couple of days as well. Finally on Saturday when his father was home, I mentioned to my PA boyfriend about getting this thing done. He said he would wake his son up “pretty soon”. By 9:30 am when I had come back from taking care of a couple of other things, the BF said he had awakened him, but I still wasn’t seeing any signs of life. It took until almost noon to finally get going. Obviously I was the only one concerned that the other people involved were doing us a favor, and we might be imposing the longer we waited.

My girlfriend is getting terribly frustrated because I haven’t done anything about it. On top of that, he’s about drank her out of house and home. The father knows all about this, but says nothing. It’s not my son. Why should I be left to do the dirty work? Why do I put up with it? Because he’s been doing us a favor with some work we need done. Would it be different if it were my kid? Oh definitely!

Now it seems that the youngest is on a rampage. He has been getting out of control on alcohol, and been terribly abusive to his mother. The last time he got drunk (and possibly drugged up) he stole his brother’s car and was verbally abusive to his sister-in-law. Their mother has been in really poor health for awhile now, and this added stress has got to be taking it’s toll. Unfortunately the mother just calls the two other sons to do something instead of doing something (like calling the police) herself.

I asked my BF if he didn’t feel like he should talk to the boy, since he was now being so abusive to the mother. The boy’s wife has already thrown him out for abusing her more than once. He said yes he would, unbeknownst to me already having this little talk with his other son already. Will he? It’s been 4 days, 2 of that being a weekend when the boyfriend was off work, and he hasn’t made the call yet.

Like I said, what would a passive aggressive father do if he saw his child about to jump off a cliff? Who knows?

The Passive Aggressive Covertly Rebels

He doesn’t tell me that he resents the hell out of me because I work from home, but he is a passive aggressive that is covertly rebelling. LOL.

I don’t know how many of you have had teenagers, but when they rebel, it’s pretty open and you deal with it. When a passive aggressive rebels it’s very covertly, and you either miss it or you figure out how to deal with it as it comes. My passive aggressive, I just let him know I’m on to him.

We have a deal, so to speak. First off, he’s the one that let me know when he first moved in with me, taking out the trash was a “man” thing. Ok. I was raised like that. Except the last several years has been a “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll get in the morning” sleep through the morning, I take out the trash. Then it’s “it’s trash nite” “I know. I’ll take it out in the morning” “Yeah, but you don’t get up in the morning so maybe you should put it out tonite”. Sigh, sulk, do it. Or…not do it and the famous passive aggressive “Oh I forgot. I’m such an idiot” (head hanging low thing).

Since the passive aggressive BF has been working, there has been basically an unspoken rule that when he’s off on the weekends he cooks and does the dishes, and I work. This last weekend I guess he decided he didn’t like that arrangement. I did all the grocery shopping and said about it would be great if he cooked blah, blah, blah. All he had to do was cook and it’s in a crockpot, so it’s not that tough. Evidently he didn’t appreciate cooking Saturday nite because the dishes stayed in the sink from Saturday, Sunday until I did them Monday morning. I had put all the food away, emptied the dish drain, etc. All he had to do was the little bit of dishes and cook Sunday nite, which he usually does. Evidently that was too much.

I would rather he just bitched at me so I could respond instead of this stupid, passive aggressive stuff. I treat him as if he works his butt off all week and he takes first priority over everything. The truth is he barely works part time and he has plenty of time off, so you would think the weekend wouldn’t kill him!

God forbid we should interrupt football for chores. By the way, my rear view mirror is hanging from the windshield absolutely useless, (he usually fixes it) because the passive aggressive covertly rebels.

I Saw This Posted-

Just thought I would share. Just a little note against domestic violence.

While you scream at your woman, there’s a man wishing he could whisper in her ear. While you humiliate, offend, & insult her, there’s a man flirting with her & reminding her how beautiful she is. While you hurt her, there’s a man wishing he could take her pain away. While you…make your woman cry, there’s a man stealing smiles from her………!!!

Getting On With Life Away From the Passive Aggressive

From the comments I read here, many of you are thinking about or are, going through a divorce. So what do you do to get on with your life away from the passive aggressive? For some, by the time you get out you are so disappointed, angry, bitter, the last thing you want is another man in your life. I know when I left the father of my children and he accused me of having a boyfriend, I was so angry I told him after being married to him I’d go lesbian before I ever got involved with another man. (No offense out there).

For others, you’ve lived with the passive aggressive so long and been without love and affection for so long, you’re ready for a new relationship. Now you’re free to hopefully get the kind of life with someone that you thought you were getting when you got involved with the passive aggressive. I’m all for second chances in the ‘love’ department, but I think we need a ‘plan’ just like we plan everything else in life. I have it on good authority I’m on the right track. LOL.

I have two single daughters in their 20′s. They’re starting to get to that age they’re afraid they will never find “Mr. Right”. I have told both of them to make a list of who their Mr. Right is. As I told you in the last blog post, I’ve been listening to Tony Robbins and he takes this a step or two further, which I think is terrific.

Tony Robbins says we should make this list first, before we get hypnotized by the ‘love bug’. In other words, if you are armed with your list you’ll know what you are looking for and what’s a deal breaker. We all think we would spot someone who is passive aggressive after being involved with one already, but that’s not always the case. Many are very different when you start dating than they are when you marry them, right?

So first, make a list of your ‘mate from hell’. This is the easiest place to start. You don’t want a guy that’s passive aggressive, that cheats, that’s physically abusive, blah, blah. You get the idea. Put a star by the stuff that’s an absolute ‘deal breaker’ for you, that you absolutely could not put up with.

Second, make a list of your ‘ideal mate’, right down to what he would look like if you want to.  Example: A mate that’s loving and affectionate, who’s monogamous, not afraid of commitment, good sense of humor, is good to your kids if you have any, blah, blah. Do the same thing here. Put a star next to what you absolutely must have in your next mate.

Now you are armed. LOL. At least if you run into Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong you will have a pretty good idea as to which is which. Now, if you want to take it a step further, what kind of person would you have to be to attract your ‘ideal mate’ to you? Where might you find him? What changes do you want to make to attract the kind of person you want in your life?

This all applies to men getting out of a passive aggressive relationship also. Sorry I should have put Mr. or Miss Right, but being female myself…

So now, what are you going to do to get on with the rest of your life away from the passive aggressive?

Is Your Passive Aggressive A Narcissist?

Like the fact that all of us at one time or another has probably done something passive aggressively as a defense mechanism to not do something we don’t want to do, or avoid conflict, etc. we each have a little bit of narcissistic behavior in us, which is considered to be healthy. It’s when either of these are taken to the extreme that we start to consider the fact that someone may have a personality disorder.

One of my readers (friend) recently has been doing a lot of research regarding her passive aggressive boyfriend, and mentioned the fact that she thought he was also a Narcissist. At first, my perception being that the two are extreme opposites, I thought that could hardly be the case. I decided to research the possibility myself to see if I indeed had the right idea of what a Narcissist even was. While it’s true that many have a grandiose picture of themselves due to overinflated egos, there is such a thing as a passive aggressive narcissist. I thought it would be interesting to compare the similarities between the two just to see how close they are and to see if I am living with one or both.


Cause- Usually defects in the quality of psychological nurturing provided, usually by the mother. Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. Cause- may stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents) in an environment where it was not safe to express

frustration or anger. (Lack in quality nurturing by either parent)

Severe emotional abuse in childhood Severe emotional abuse in childhood
Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood Excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood
If a child does not receive sufficient recognition for their talents during about ages 3–7 they

will never mature and continue to be in the narcissistic early development stage.

If a child is never allowed to express himself, he will find other ways to take out his/her frustrations and anger, never learning appropriate coping skills.
difficult for such individuals to

work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements.

difficult for such individuals to

work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements.

adversely affect interpersonal relationships adversely affect interpersonal relationships

As you can see there are many strong similarities. According to Jeffrey Young, who coined the phrase “schema therapy” for a person to be diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) they must meet 5 or more of the following symptoms:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents,

expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

* Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

* Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

* Requires excessive admiration

* Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

* Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

* Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

* Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

According to the book “Living With The Passive Aggressive Man” there are 11 traits possible:

* Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others

* Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.

* Fear of competition

* Fear of dependency

* Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive aggressive often cannot trust.

Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.

* Making chaotic situations

* Making excuses for non-performance in work teams

* Obstructionism

* Procrastination

* Sulking

* Victimization response: instead of recognizing one’s own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.

People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined. Does that not also sound like the passive aggressives we all know and try to love?

Last but not least, to the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others’ needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.

It’s easy to see how these 2 personality disorders could be overlapping in one individual. So now what kind of strategy do you use? Is he/she a passive aggressive narcissist? Dealing with the passive aggressive was hard enough. LOL.

How To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behavior

While doing some research this morning, I ran across this video from Dailymotion titled “How to Deal With A Passive Aggressive”.  I thought you might find it of interest as well.

Happy Birthday to the Passive Aggressive

Yep, it’s the passive aggressive boyfriend‘s birthday, or it was a couple days ago. We did the whole “cake” thing and all. He was very surprised and in the usual passive aggressive style, very overwhelmed that we would do anything special for little old “unworthy” him.

When it comes to gifts or any kind of fuss made over him, he is extremely modest. I don’t know if growing up as farmers, they never had much so didn’t do much celebrating or what. I noticed when we first started going together that he was genuinely shocked at Christmas that we got him Christmas gifts, etc. We were living together by then so I couldn’t see where there would be any question as to him totally sharing in the Christmas festivities. Yet here we are almost 11 yrs. later, and he hasn’t changed much in that regard at all.

Most passive aggressive people, despite how they may act, have an underlying feeling of not being worthy. I’m sure this comes from the lack of nurturing or love, or from the abuse they have suffered as a child. My passive aggressive boyfriend is now “old” LOL, and it is very hard to undo all the damage done in the past. We have been together almost 11 yrs., as I stated above. In that time I have never called him names, never been abusive, (I know that’s hard to believe if you’ve been a reader of my blog) and always tried to build him up. Yet the abuse he suffered at the hand of his father, even though it was so many, many years ago takes precedence in his personality vs. the recent 11 yrs.

I’m sure one of the reasons for this is the passive aggressive rarely admits there is even a problem, so changing is not even a question. Second, they rarely can pinpoint the abuse or the lack of love and affection that they missed as a child and connect it to the problems they are having today.  In all the years we’ve been together, my BF has only once admitted that his father was abusive and then it was only to say if his father used the same disciplinary tactics today, they would lock him up.  Most passive aggressive people don’t realize that the way they were treated as a child, the very thing that made them passive aggressive, is not normal behavior. It is a “dysfunctional” family in one of the truest senses of the word, but it is “normal” for them. It is so ingrained in them that even after years of a different environment, a different circumstance, the passive aggressive ends up changing the current environment to fit what they are used to instead of changing themselves to fit the new environment, which is why so many partners and spouses end up feeling so frustrated and unloved.

The first step is and probably always will be to admit there is a problem before one can fix it.  For the passive aggressive spouse/partner, that’s a really big first step.


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