How To Tell If A Passive Aggressive Is Lying…

I have come to the conclusion if you want to know if a passive aggressive is lying, you just have to see their lips are moving. (Judge Judy says the same about teenage children. LOL)

I thought my passive aggressive boyfriend (roommate) had pretty much done the worst he could do when he hadn’t told me after being together for 11 yrs. that he was still married, but with a passive aggressive the “hits just keep on coming”.

Any of you who have been with me for any length of time know we just moved down to SoCal recently. When we got down here the PA’s employer decided they didn’t have any work for him down here, so I told him to file for unemployment. Of course that took some time, and some nagging, but he finally did it. While we’re trying to get some work going down here, and he’s supposedly looking for work, we’ve been living on my mother’s social security. As you can imagine, it’s not much for 3 people with bad habits. LOL. Any money from unemployment would be a plus.

They say in California it takes about 10 days to start drawing benefits. OK. I’m resourceful. We can live until then. So, after 10 days I am checking the mailbox, getting on the passive aggressive to call the benefits office to find out where his check is. Every day he tells me he can’t get through, not on the recorder number and not on the main number. He actually has me listen because I can’t believe that you can’t get through on a recorded number that is supposed to give information 24/7.

Finally, the passive aggressive gets up one morning, bright and early and drives to an office in another town a short ways from us. He comes back and tells me they’ve docked him 5 weeks because they are saying he’s the one that terminated employment. I ask him if he explained circumstances, etc. He says he did but they didn’t care.

When the second person I told about this mentioned an appeal process, I decided to look into it myself. I pull up the info on how to appeal and it says you have 20 days from the “Determination Letter” you receive from them. So I start asking the PA if he ever got this letter. He’s hem-hawing around, and finally asks me why. I explain I’m working on an appeal, and he finally breaks forth with the truth.

All this time while I’m checking the mailbox and on his butt to call the unemployment office, he had received a determination letter that said they were docking him 5 weeks because he got overpaid in April 2010. It had absolutely nothing to do with his employer. He had already appealed, without me knowing it, and he didn’t want to tell me because he “didn’t want to complicate things any further”.

I came unglued!! Complicate things any further? So it’s easier letting me think there’s a check coming that isn’t, and lying to me every day about not knowing why it’s not here? Instead of telling me it’s not coming and letting me figure something else out, just let me keep hoping every single day it was in the mail?

I must have called him everything in the book, language I haven’t used in a long time came spilling out of my mouth. (Going to church today to ask for forgiveness. LOL). I told him it was obvious he had absolutely no integrity, which I should have known after the “wife” incident, but I never guessed that he was still lying straight to my face, about our every day life!

I told him to go home to his eldest son’s. Of course I know that won’t happen right now, and I really don’t want it to right now until I have a little more income on my end coming in, but this definitely did it. We are through! From now on it will be my total concentration to figure how to make extra cash, where I can pull money from to put in savings, all building to a life without him. I’ll get there.

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8 Responses

  1. Dear Ladybeams

    Yes – make plans, stay strong. Do not think it will improve – it won’t. You either stay for money reasons and try civilly sharing the space (not much hope if he’s an emotional abuser) or realise you probably won’t need your bad habits so much when you are free of negativity even if broke.

    In my experience, do not respond with anger – ‘don’t react, respond’ (go out of the situation for a drive, a walk or coffee in a shop) and get your head together. As you say you didn’t cause, you cannot cure, you don’t deserve. (Your angry reaction this time – totally justified in the rational world, but you aren’t living there – ‘justified’ his not telling you in his eyes.

    Due to a small inheritance I could leave but as you know, we are emotional (and often physical) cripples, so I can’t as for me, leaving would take a huge physical toll. However, the knowledge that he has that I could and will leave with sufficient bad emotional abuse from him has put some reins on it.

    I feel these are badly socialized toddlers in adult bodies that masquerade feelings but inside are out of control and lash out at ‘mother’ (us) blaming us for all life’s struggles. In my experience we can only help ourselves by venting here or to a trusted friend, gathering ourselves together and slowly forwarding plans to separate, and staying strong. Insist on exceptable civil behaviour and model it; use each outburst or small incident of the needling behaviour you receive to remind yourself that this is why you need to mother yourself. Don’t acknowledge the fact that you are aware of his tricks of subtle revenge (eg, the internet always goes down here when he’s in a mood, one of the lighter things he does to try to provoke a reaction). I beleive if you react that’s exactly what they want : then they can rave at you openly, now I don’t give mine that justification. Look after yourself first. Be proud that you’ve helped so many (me especially) and know we are rooting for you

    lots of love

    • “I feel these are badly socialized toddlers in adult bodies that masquerade feelings but inside are out of control and lash out at ‘mother’ (us) blaming us for all life’s struggles.”

      Excellent description! I am still in awe at how impossible reasoning with one of these beings is.

      • Ditto!
        Its impossible to try and reason with a toddler or an irrational passive aggressive (sorry for the redundancy).
        Maybe one day I will actually realize it and stop trying :(

  2. Dear Ladybeams:

    Though it has been some time since I have written, I regularly check in to keep up with the latest news on your site.

    I was so sorry to hear about your latest challenges with the PA boyfriend, but it made me wonder about your decision. If he has no job and no money coming in for at least the next month, and obviously, being the PA he is, he probably won’t be finding work in the near future, why would you want him to stay around? It is just another person to feed and care for (without any income). Would it not be easier just to take care of yourself and your mother without the added burden of the PA bf?

    My PA husband is much the same way – retired (disabled), only SS income, and spends way more than he brings in each month. Lies about where he is going, when he’ll be back, and doesn’t want to be held accountable. But, when it comes to me, I should specify where I will be, when I will be back, and exactly what I will be doing when I am out of the house. Well, I have started using his tactics on him, and he doesn’t like it at all. I am very civil, but matter-of-fact when I say I have certain business things that need to be taken care of and I really don’t know exactly when I will have everything completed. When he tries to pin me down, I just say (very nicely, again) that I am not sure about my timetable. He has been evasive and non-committal regarding his activities for years, and often is not just 15-30 minutes late getting back but often several hours late. Whenever I have confronted him about the situation, he has some excuse or another, but never a solid justification for being delayed so long. That’s OK for him, but not for me? NOT!

    I have learned alot from all the posters on this site. The best thing I ever did was to really learn how to detach and pull back from the situation. The ability to do this has absolutely saved my sanity. I refuse to “react” and instead “respond.” If I cannot respond, I just walk away to avoid getting all caught up emotionally. Some days are easier to handle this way than others, of course. But I am constantly working on it. This detachment on my part is causing him to be on much better behavior more of the time, but I am not buying into it. I know as soon as I give him an opportunity to get “back into my good graces,” he will revert to his old self. I’ve seen it too many times before. So, I maintain my detached demeanor, which drives him nuts, but saves me. I don’t rely on him for anything I think is important to our financial stability or things that are important to get done. If it is essential to the overall well-being of the family or finances, I take care of it myself. Life is so much easier that way.

    Please take care of you, Ladybeams. If this guy was your brother, or an uncle, or some acquaintance off the street, would you let him continue to stay in the house, watching TV, drinking beer, and eating your food? Especially if that person wasn’t bringing any meaningful contribution to the household?

    Blessings to you,
    Eykes

  3. Ladybeams,

    Please remove my first name from that previous post and put in the Eykes name instead.

    Thanks,
    Eykes

  4. YOU HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP….and now!

    I did– I kicked out my PA husband [ we were together for 23 years with 4 kids!] and I suffer from daily back pain and other physical health issues. Plus my PA got physically abusive in the end [ like as if to show some 'might'...?] And he did hurt my body more than I let on to him….But there is FINALLY Peace here at this house- and God Willing– money is always there [ even if little] to make ends meet.

    The PA will NOT change– nor do they see the need to– so why are you fighting this losing battle.?

    Please do yourself a favor and let him go——-

    And visit this site for great uplifting articles:

    http://creativeconflicts.com/2012/04/abusive-behavior-first-red-flag-hear-him-yelling-at-you/?isalt=0&utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=abusive-behavior-first-red-flag-hear-him-yelling-at-you

  5. I’ve been rsearching passive aggression and came across your blog. This article really struck a cord with me. My PA boyfriend is just the same I didn’t find out he was 10 years older than he’d have me believe till our daughter was a few months old and then found out a year later he’s in 25,000 euro worth of debt! And yes when I pulled him up on both things (because ofcourse I just happened to find these out he never told me) they were intitially not a big deal and following that I shouldn’t have asked because it was none of my business!! Now a year later I’m not aloud to bring either situation up. I’m only 23 and feel like I’m 43, does it ever get easier? How do I even broach the subject of passive aggression with him without it blowing up in my face? :-(

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