Moving Forward- With or Without The Passive Aggressive

Moving forwardAs you read through the comments here, since starting this blog many have gotten out of their passive aggressive relationships and moved on to “greener pastures”. While many will admit that in the beginning it was hard to strike out on their own, I think the vote is unanimous that they are glad they left.

For many more, for what ever reasons be it financial, health, etc., some of us are still in our passive aggressive relationships. As I relocate again for the 3rd time in as many years it occurred to me how vitally important it is that we keep moving forward. Even if circumstances make us think for some reason we will never be able to get out, we must proceed as if we will, if for no other reason than to keep our own sanity.

It’s very easy to slip back into isolation, allowing the passive aggressive to have complete control. That is why once again, I am hunting for a new church to belong to, joining a new community in the neighborhood, etc.  What if we gave up hope, decided we would never get out, and all of a sudden our circumstances changed and we weren’t ready? What if you got that “window of opportunity” and you just let it close?

I was talking to a girlfriend the other night and she said the passive aggressive in her life wasn’t passive aggressive, just outright mean. I think they all have a mean streak, otherwise they would work on changing their passive aggressive personalities. Even as docile as my passive aggressive is, a mean streak rears it’s ugly head every once in awhile.

Many passive aggressives just have no compassion or empathy for anyone else. They didn’t have it, and they don’t know how to give it. We cry and instead of holding us, the passive aggressive just feels “accomplished”. It’s important for us to keep moving forward, preparing for a better life, even if it has to be within the one we are in.

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9 Responses

  1. You’re right – I have a good friend, if she said even a tiny bit of the stuff I get from the PA I’d be devastated. The trick is to recognise that they are mentally aged 3 however big they are and just like a toddler they shoot their mouths off when under stress – just to make them feel better: if it has the result of making you upset it gives them a feeling of some control, even if it’s simply having the power to upset someone.

    The trick I’ve recently learned is DON’T show it – under what ever provocation do not respond (put distance between you) and mentally dress him in diapers and put him on the naughty step. when next he’s talkable to say firmly and briefly it’s not acceptable. Don’t dwell or apologise or explain, even when asked to, even if the ‘sorrys’ pour out. TV series that help : Supernanny is the best and also It’s me or the Dog, Dog Whisperer.

    This, I’m finding is the best approach – extra warning : mine has wheedling, lovable moments when I weaken and pour out my troubles (he’s my life partner – right? Wrong!!) Again, contain it and find supportive other outlets.

    My PA is now mentally for me, like my much loved pet, great when he’s good but never to be trusted with the sofa or carpet! It’s not the way I ever wanted it to be, but it is a way that works most of the time. If he can’t upset me (and now I have a little financial independence, thanks to a modest inheritance – that’s vital for this approach) he can’t pull that most effective string in the armory and he’s actually calmer.

    Like you I can’t physically leave. My advice to younger ones with PAs is Take Control, each outburst try to turn into a positive: eg: each time mine tried to manipulate me I’d cut that line (eg he used to access all my emails and majorly freak not to be allowed to see – though funnily I was never allowed to read his!) so after yet another freak, I changed my password and it’s stayed that way. Hence I joined this group!!

    Small steps, but a journey starts with small steps.

  2. Yes, hope, we all need hope. I know it keeps me going. God is providing strength for me as I sift thru this life’s “unpredictableness” day to day. I know about the mean streak and the lack of compassion, mercy and grace that they portray. They have high expectations of others but don’t require the same of themselves. Just a reason to be mean and angry when they want to. They have no rhyme or reason to their behavior. It depends on their mood and if someone has ‘”ticked them off” about something.
    I have just finished reading an excellent book entitled “The Silent Cry of Christian Women” written by Dee Brown. Let me tell you she has the PA down to a “T”. She understands and gives advice to help us. When you read this book, make sure you read the whole thing cause the end is as good as the beginning. My soul absorbed the words like a dry sponge absorbs water!

  3. Thank you so much for writing this blog. It lifts my spirits when I realize I am not alone.

    • Dara- Welcome! No, My Dear, unfortunately (LOL) you are not alone. There are quite a few of us out here
      and many more we haven’t even heard from yet.

  4. my spouse is also a PA personality, the difference in my situation is that I am in a wheelchair and little family support. I am emotionally abused, financially abused, have tried everything and now I am fighting to hang on to sanity because I feel like I am doomed to live this way. I see no way out/

    • I have been there with my mother… and until 3 weeks ago.. I never clearly understood passive aggressive behavior. I see it both my siblings too… and for that we have no relationship at all. I have learned what forgiveness is as a result of it.. You can not be angry at them because mentally they can not process fully what is going. when I told my mother about my PA boyfriend she had no clue about this type of behavior — yet it was her to a “T”.

      I have been in therapy for 4 years now, and while I have all of it.. I was at a point where I was going to be homeless on the street alone…. and bOy the grace of God, and prayer.. I got out of it.

      Laura.. YOU DO HAVE A WAY OUT! Look for a woman’s shelter where they can offer you a place to live, counseling, etc. They can help you break away.

      My PA had told me that he had stopped dating me incase I did not know months before…. This was in Sept. He was paying me $1000 to do all of his legal work in his company….. something that should have cost him a good $7500….. when I saw the writing on the wall.. when I realized his son was the same and the issues were all there… I finalized quickly all the work I had to do.. left it on his desk when he was not there… and the next evening I went back when he nor his son where there.. with my neighbor and moved all of my stuff out of the office….. and quietly left.

      He was so excited the next morning that I had won his cases, but he later learned that morning, I was also gone. He is bad mouthing how badly done to he is…. but I am safe… in my own home.

      There were a lot of clues. Our first trip together… no initimacy. In 2 months he was in a hurry to get married…. and I was in no hurry…. I needed time to think it through.. but in that time he changed… so that went by the way side. The last trip we took in early Oct. was a disaster. It was so glad to get back home and so emotionally exhausted that I decided Thursday would be my very last day, and with or without money.. I would make it.

      Where god closes the door, he always opens a window.. There is hope.. just quietly set it all up and them make your one big move out the door. Leave a note….

  5. Thank you so much for writing these messages of hope. Rec’d the one about moving forward and it was just what I needed to hear. Keeps me moving in the right direction. I am greatful that you know what I’m going through and I feel validated that I’m not the crazy one. Thank you!!

  6. You are not crazy… but they will make you believe you are .. They will suck all the life out of you and when you lie their limp, they will kick you to the wind and move on to the next one.

    After my father died, and I wondered about the relationship between my mom and him… She really turned on me. she was on me as a child. It became worse after I left for college.. and my grandfather had passed away…. it became REALLY bad. after my dad died. I was now the soul target..

    I would go and buy her things she wanted and if I was 15 min late due to heavy traffic… take it back.. I dont want it… you are nothing more than a major problem to this family. you have always been a problem… and then she rehashes every mistake I have made since I was 4 years old.

    I never knew what I did for this… and you know what, I get it. I did nothing… I did nothing… her goals are so high that she can not even reach them. I just stay away and have learned that being all alone while hard is better than being in a lonely existence with someone who is constantly belittling you to make themselves look better.

  7. Hi! I’m new to your blog and the dynamics of a passive-aggressive man! Help!!! I met a passive-aggressive man and since day 1 everything is confusion, chaos and feeling like i’m walking on egg shells!! I can’t communicate with him, don’t know what to expect, lies, and is a habitual thing. He exhibits the typical behavior of a pa! Tells me that he’s calling me but fails to do so and when i mentioned it he laughed it off and changed the subject! He has stood me up 5 times. If i don’t answer the phone when he calls me and I call him back 10 minutes later, he doesn’t answer my call and gives me the silent treatment for days. He called me yesterday telling me that he wants me to meet his sister. He’s going too fast on a relationship that I’m not even sure of.
    I talked to his ex and told me that he suffocated her with his insecurities and jealousy to the point that she wasn’t allowed to talk to her own kids.
    I don’t want ANYTHING to do with this man!!! My concerns are: Do I just change my cell phone number? Do I talk to him and express my concerns and why I don’t want to see him? How physically safe am I by just setting a distance? How much aggression or manipulation do I expect from this guy since he knows where I live?
    Thank you for your help and any tips will surely help!!
    San

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