With A Passive Aggressive, Can It Hurt More?

I have wondered, when you’re living with a passive aggressive, could it ever hurt more? I am here to say, YES!

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the long sebatical, but I am working in an office with no door, and it is friggin’ cold! LOL. I do my best in the morning, like early morning, and it was either totally raining or totally freezing here. LOL

But I’m back now, and I’ve wondered on occasion what could hurt worse than what I’m going through with the passive aggressive boyfriend?

What can hurt worse than suffering alone, is suffering with a friend that really doesn’t get it.

I got a lecture last night from a girlfriend of mine on how I should be running the men in my life or getting rid of them. I wanted so much to tell her “don’t you think I know that?”  But I am in a position that so many of you are. Sometimes it just takes cash.

So, I will live with what I have to according to what I want to accomplish. I just hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship first. Don’t tell me what an ass my boyfriend is. I already get that. Just show me how to get out of the situation I’m in based on my circumstances, then we will have something worth talking about. In the meantime, please don’t befriend him like he’s the best thing that ever walked the earth. That doesn’t help me.

To all of you out there that feel so helpless living with a passive aggressive, for what ever reason you’re in the situation you’re in and feel like you can’t get out, there is always a way out. You can find yours, as well as I will find mine.

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9 Responses

  1. i’m out!! :D took me 13 years but I did it…. My suport system seems to have a better grasp then yours does atm and for that i’m sorry but it would have been harder without the people i am surrounded by. the divorce on the other hand is a tuff and he continues to try to be a controlling ass :) but with god on my side and the love i’m surrounded with it can be done. I wish you good luck and truly hope that some day you too find your out. Its a depressing bottomless pit in witch you reside atm I know this for i lived it. Good luck…. <3

    • Pam- Whooowhoo! Congratulations. I know there are good days and there will be bad days, but the bad days start to get less and less and the good ones start taking over! LOL. I’m happy for you.

      The divorce part is going to be difficult because you’re not really dealing with an adult, logical, intelligent mind. The one great thing about it is that it’s external stuff. He can’t do anything about the internal stuff you’ve recovered, or the love and caring of your support system. That’s the real win!

      Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Some of us still in live vicariously through you that are out. LOL.

  2. Oh Ladybeams- this post just breaks my heart. By far the hardest part of disengaging from my PA was all the relationships I had to seal off in order to really do what I needed to do.

    Realizing that someone you thought was close to you is actually operating from a different planet is a tough, tough, tough phase of all of this. Notice though, I said ‘phase’.

    Three years ago Ladybeams I was utterly shattered and dumbfounded at the actions and words of so many people. There are not really even words to describe how I felt in those times. I ‘get it’ now- my PA had pushed all my buttons when no one was looking – he did it all in subtle, very personal ways- so no one saw the abuses – all they saw was me (finally) reacting… which looked way over the top b/c it looked as though I was a raving lunatic reacting to ‘nothing’.

    Time for another analogy… my newest one is that of bleach. Bleach, when diluted, is a good thing. It makes things shiny and smell good and disinfects things. Bleach, in it’s concentrated undiluted form is hurtful, unhealthy and even deadly. PA’s are bleach. If you are a person who only experiences them in a diluted state (aka ‘charm and superficial mode’ – non intimate long term relationship) you cannot even comprehend their hazardous affects. If you happen to get involved with a PA they become more and concentrated and harmful and unhealthy. People who have never been subjected to a lot of PA behavior can truly not comprehend it’s depth and intensity of harm. I certainly couldn’t fathom it – think about it- it’s how each of us got here in the first place. It’s an invisible killer.

    An added factor is that many times (in my case anyway) we spend so much time covering for them and cheerleading for them that we convince others that he is great – so when we finally try to seek support to unravel from the PA those people can’t/don’t want to change their perspective of the PA. This leaves our ‘friends’ confused – and our behavior looks only like a lot of revenge… sigh…

    Additionally, we are the one’s raving, hurting, crying and imploding – meanwhile the PA is calmly, charismatically, playing the cool collected easy-to-be around one… and humans tend to go the path of least resistance – so the people we thought would help us out instead go running in the direction of Mr. Cool.

    The good news? You live through it and you learn SO MUCH about who you really are, who you want to be around and you become increasingly capable of spotting which relationships will remain – and you can DEFINE why and you never have to defend your feelings … and they will readily, without hesitation, stand by you. The one’s who ‘get it’, ‘get it’ and you can feel that in your bones.

    You also gain an entirely new perspective – an incredibly freeing, amazingly bright perspective.

    Soon Ladybeams the lose (or altering) of those other relationships begins to have little affect on your life. I’m shocked at how hard I cried over some of those loses of ‘friends’ three years ago, and how today I cannot even conjure up anything but a slight pang of bittersweet memories toward them.

    It’s not all perfect. I made my share of mistakes, did my share of some ‘overkill’ – and I also didn’t do other things as strongly as I should have. I have some small regrets, but I have plenty of successes too. I’m happier, more grounded, more confident and more stable than I ever imagined I could be. When I was in the guts of exiting and re-inventing I often could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I just knew one thing; I had felt crappy enough for long enough to know that I no longer wanted to feel that crappy anymore and I was willing to do whatever it took to reset my life.

    That’s my sermon for today. :)

    • Peggy- Thanks, I needed that. Once again another great analogy.

      My girlfriend is actually fighting for me to fight for myself. It’s just that I am one to “pick my battles”. While I know this relationship isn’t the “rest of my life” one, it serves a purpose for right now. It doesn’t mean that I have given up all hopes for a better tomorrow. I’m sure to her in the position she’s in, and she’s always been very strong, it just sounds like excuses. I’m sure I’ve made that same judgment of someone else at sometime.

      Thanks again. Your ‘sermon’ did not fall on deaf ‘eyes’. LOL

    • I’m experiencing this fallout, too. And while the loss could never compete with what I’ve gained, it is so very, very hard to contemplate sometimes. I feel that he kept his friends and got mine too. It is ironic, of course, because I encouraged and upheld his friendships with my friends–who became mutual friends–while he obviously and self-admittedly failed to do the same for me. Even worse, I find myself still inadvertently “covering” for him to mutual friends, simply by virtue of discretion (which translates to agreeing tacitly to this fiction of “Yes, there is no reason why all of us, being good persons, should not be friends.”)

  3. PA I feel your pain. You are working so hard especially in this tough economy to keep your head up above water and sometimes it seems that there is anchor chained to your feet pulling you to the bottom of the sea. I think the first priority is you. What you can do for yourself. What can you do to make your life better and more secure. Sometimes it’s just a matter of putting a few dollars away each week with the goal being of making that change. I think before a person can leave, that person must have a realistic plan and money to back up that plan. I’m very confident the pieces will fall into place when the time comes.

    • pa’s mom- Hey, so happy to hear from you! And thanks for the encouragement. I’ll get there. Just at times it seems to take so long! LOL

  4. Many “support systems” are extreme passive aggressives themselves. Girlfriends who sabotage their own friends marriage because theirs is unhealthy. Women do not display outward aggression as much as men. They are often taught to stuff their fear, many times by a controlling father. This PA behavior is played out in the. marriage and is called ‘crazy making’ by psychologists. Codependent women who learned the behavior from an abused parent, they will display many subtle passive aggressive ways. They actually need their male partners to blow up, so they can watch it and somehow feel a release of anger which they do not know how to release.

    • Chi poopy- Hi and thank you for your input.

      Yes, you’re right. I’ve known a few women who spread distention like poison because they are so bitter and unhappy themselves. That’s unfortunate for them as we have the ability and freedom to choose who our friends are. You’ve heard the old saying “Misery loves company” I’m sure.

      As far as the need to have their male partners blow up to get any satisfaction, it’s no different for a husband that is passive aggressive. Most of the things they do are to bring about a reaction. Some people feel even bad attention is better than no attention.

      Thanks for your input.

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