Like the fact that all of us at one time or another has probably done something passive aggressively as a defense mechanism to not do something we don’t want to do, or avoid conflict, etc. we each have a little bit of narcissistic behavior in us, which is considered to be healthy. It’s when either of these are taken to the extreme that we start to consider the fact that someone may have a personality disorder.
One of my readers (friend) recently has been doing a lot of research regarding her passive aggressive boyfriend, and mentioned the fact that she thought he was also a Narcissist. At first, my perception being that the two are extreme opposites, I thought that could hardly be the case. I decided to research the possibility myself to see if I indeed had the right idea of what a Narcissist even was. While it’s true that many have a grandiose picture of themselves due to overinflated egos, there is such a thing as a passive aggressive narcissist. I thought it would be interesting to compare the similarities between the two just to see how close they are and to see if I am living with one or both.
NARCISSIST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE
| Cause- Usually defects in the quality of psychological nurturing provided, usually by the mother. Unpredictable or unreliable caregiving from parents. | Cause- may stem from a specific childhood stimulus (e.g., alcohol/drug addicted parents) in an environment where it was not safe to express
frustration or anger. (Lack in quality nurturing by either parent) |
| Severe emotional abuse in childhood | Severe emotional abuse in childhood |
| Excessive praise for good behaviors or excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood | Excessive criticism for poor behaviors in childhood |
| If a child does not receive sufficient recognition for their talents during about ages 3–7 they
will never mature and continue to be in the narcissistic early development stage. |
If a child is never allowed to express himself, he will find other ways to take out his/her frustrations and anger, never learning appropriate coping skills. |
| difficult for such individuals to
work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements. |
difficult for such individuals to
work cooperatively with others or to maintain long-term professional achievements. |
| adversely affect interpersonal relationships | adversely affect interpersonal relationships |
As you can see there are many strong similarities. According to Jeffrey Young, who coined the phrase “schema therapy” for a person to be diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) they must meet 5 or more of the following symptoms:
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents,
expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
* Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
* Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
* Requires excessive admiration
* Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
* Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
* Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
* Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
According to the book “Living With The Passive Aggressive Man” there are 11 traits possible:
* Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others
* Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.
* Fear of competition
* Fear of dependency
* Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger: The passive aggressive often cannot trust.
Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone.
* Making chaotic situations
* Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
* Obstructionism
* Procrastination
* Sulking
* Victimization response: instead of recognizing one’s own weaknesses, tendency to blame others for own failures.
People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or defiance to any slight criticism, real or imagined. Does that not also sound like the passive aggressives we all know and try to love?
Last but not least, to the extent that people are pathologically narcissistic, they can be controlling, blaming, self-absorbed, intolerant of others’ views, unaware of others’ needs and of the effects of their behavior on others, and insistent that others see them as they wish to be seen.
It’s easy to see how these 2 personality disorders could be overlapping in one individual. So now what kind of strategy do you use? Is he/she a passive aggressive narcissist? Dealing with the passive aggressive was hard enough. LOL.
Like this:
Filed under: abuse, books on passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse Tagged: | coping with passive aggressive behavior, mental health, narcissistic, passive aggressive narcissist, passive aggressive spouse
Ladybeams – absolutely totally agree with you on this. I had done my own research on narcissism trying to understand my PA ex and am convinced that he was both. Particularly in the lack of empathy, inflated ego and the emotional age being fixed somewhere around 6. Of course my ex wouldnt agree!! But then that’s because he’s the victim and has such an inflated sense of self that this couldnt possibly be true!!!
we know better though huh!
I wrote here before when I was living with my husband and trying to tear myself away from what wasa toxic marriage. It was hard and terribly upsetting, but you know, we’ve been separated for 3 months now and my God I’m SO much happier!!! No tension, no eggshells, no lies, no manipulation, no snide digs at my children and my confidence has soared and my self esteem growing daily! I am the person I was before I met him again – and it feels fantastic! Wish I’d done it years ago!
Heather- Welcome back and thanks for the comment. I’m glad you found the post interesting. From different comments I’ve received in the past I think there may be a few passive aggressive narcissists out there.
I am so happy for you that you broke free and are feeling so much better about life now. It’s amazing how good a lack of stress can feel, aye? So now, should you get involved in the future, you know what signs to look for and what to avoid, right? LOL.
Love to hear from you. If you would like to share any of your story on what it took for you to finally get loose, I’m sure we’d all like to hear it. Maybe help some others wondering if they should stay or go. Take care and again, I am so happy for you. You sound terrific!
Boy Ladybeams, you really know how to add insult to injury…LOL isn’t it enough to have a PA? Now we have to figure out if he is narcissistic as well…LOL just joking.
I do see a bit of nacissisism in mine, and your post is very informative… but as Scarlet O’Hara said in Gone With the Wind…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.
Have a great day Ladybeams.
jmarie
jmarie- LOL. I know, not fair is it? As I look at narcissists, sociopaths, etc. I think I’m learning why passive aggression doesn’t get it’s own, singular diagnosis any more. It seems to overlap with so many. Glad you found the post informative though. It’s amazing how so many things are similar on how someone gets to be the way they are.
Ladybeams,
No it isn’t fair! But life isn’t fair at times. But just think of the challenge it is for a therapist to deal with the overlap…LOL It’s not my problem anymore.
I am dealing with age, finances, buiding my strength, and knowing what I want for my future. Age is a big deterrent, finances are too. Only thing I can do is work on me first while staying in the relationship..! That is difficult! But living in it and working on the difficulties IS building me up, because I am learning so much about myself now.
I have to fight right now and not flee, because it will only make me stronger and that is the ultimate goal- my strength. Do what is right for yourself FIRST. One good thing that you will have done is find just how strong you can become. Remember when you were strong? Get back to that place and be proud of it. Nurture the strength in yourself, not the affects of living with a PA.
I agree that the psychology of PA is a multifacited problem. It is almost tooooo much to deal with, but I am facing facts now.
The PA who gets help AND utilizes what they learn about themselves will only make it better for the relationship. Again, there’s the rub. It makes us all question whether or not they want to. But that can’t be a worry for us anymore because we will SEE it in time.
The only way we will be able to know for sure is IF they change their behavior. AND we have to change ours too sometimes to support their change. Knowing ourselves to the deepest core, even though it is a hard pill to swallow, may be what we need most. I found some amazing things about myself that I was not proud of and changed them. Not one of us are perfect, but we can work at being better —basically for ourselves and our future.
We can’t (for our sakes) just sit around and wait and let the PA affect us any more..we have to do what is right for us and to support these little children that have to grow up and be able to see life as it is, not how they want it to stay because they fear it.
I will know in time if my PA, narcissist, sociopath -or what ever overlaps in his personality -will change himself. All the while I am getting stronger for me. Then a choice can be made. My choices now are because I know they are right for me and not just a spur of the moment decision without weighing all the facts and protecting myself.
In any given situation facts are facts, needs are needs, and life is what it is. Putting all of it together is what we do for ourselves in our growth.
God bless all who are growing and learning about themselves…Remember, the PA is on their own.
jmarie
jmarie- Very good advice. There is another lady here who I’ve corresponded back and forth with, and she too has done a lot of retrospect concerning her own needs and values while trying to understand her boyfriend. Her basic idea was to learn more about why she hasn’t been able to let go of such a damaging relationship for her. She too is working at building her strength back, but as anything worth while, it takes time.
You sound like your head is in a good place now. Thanks for sharing with us, offering up hope and encouragement for the way out.
When I initially started to try to understand mine, the first thing I thought of was narcissism. He 100% surely has indicators of narcissism. His mother was an alcoholic and I belive emotionally abused him. He has an outsized fear of conflict with anyone female. He is amazingly self aggrandizing, even where it is not relevent. He constantly works into conversation his professional successes and is always name dropping and status dropping.
dmg- It makes sense to me. If his mother was an alcoholic, he probably was always vying for her attention. That kind of thing would certainly carry over to his adult life, needing to feel approval from those around him. It’s amazing to me that the narcissism can come either as an acting out of total insecurity, or just the opposite and being too secure because the parents never let real life affect the child. Two total opposite extremes of the spectrum. The common denominator being the abuse as a child when it comes to a narcissistic passive aggressive.
Thanks for your comment. I think the two may overlap more than we realized. Mine however, is strictly passive aggressive. Modest to a fault, never thinks he’s worth anything, but I find it interesting to see how so many personality disorders intertwine.
Ladybeams and all,
I have taken the opportunity to write my book, if only to share the &%^ that goes on with your mind when living in a passive aggressive relationship. It’ incidious, cruel, and definitely not love that a PA gives us and is all based around their needs not “our” needs. I am still growing. I mean really, after 20 yrs of confusion (which I allowed to affect me) Who wouldn’t be taking their time to find a way to make life better for themselves.
Self esteem is a terrible thing to lose. Regaining it is like learning to walk all over again. I’m a survivor however…That is one thing I KNOW about myself.
My husband is still going to therapy; not often enough, in my opinion, and only 10% improvement so far in 7 months. It’s been about 3months since my book was submitted to publish, so I have learned a lot more since then. A whole lot more!! Understanding all of this about PA is part of my growth. Still, we face many questions when it comes to staying or leaving the PA. We need to know the answers and the answers lie within us.
Anyone living with a PA narcissist can expect it to take a very long time for him to see past his own nose when it comes to treating others with the respect that they deserve. They don’t see the world beyond their own world of selfishness, anger and fear. So my motto now is “Lead, follow, or get out of my way”.
What life gives me, is my responsibility. I am trying to focus on what it is I want, how to get there and all the while detaching my emotions from the “dream” of this relationship ever being “normal”. Acceptance of that is a huge step, but it poses many questions. I’m trying to answer some of those questions and many of them are about myself. And, if I don’t know myself, how will I even begin to know where I’m going.
jmarie
jmarie- Thanks so much for your comment. Reading it I would have to say is both enlightening and uplifting. You truly sound as though you are making the most out of the journey. I have to say, good for you! TIISG ‘Turn it into something good’ sounds like your motto also.
I know that it’s hard to be patient with therapy, but you have so much headed in the right direction. For one, after 7 months I can’t hardly believe he is still going. LOL. That in itself is a big plus. Second, you said his therapist does recognize he is PA, so he hasn’t manipulated the therapist yet, and he’s still going. LOL. I would say even a 10% improvement has moved you ahead of most. Out of all the comments I get here, once the therapist is on to the PA and gives them little “assignments” to work on, they quit. I hope that he keeps progressing as it sounds like he really is interested in keeping you.
I’m curious, does he know about your books? Has he read them? My BF as far as I know, knows nothing of my blog.
Ladybeams,
Your curiosity is well founded and I will try to explain.
YES, He knew I was writing my book. One Positive thing he did NOT do is try and stop me (by getting angry, telling me I shouldn’t do it, or acting like a baby because I was writing it). He works from fear, as all PA’s do, and I wondered how he would respond to my book once he read it.
I wrote it because it was what I experienced. I wasn’t going to write it to protect him. That would be rescuing him from the TRUTH of our relationship. And YES, he was the 1st to get a copy! He read it. His reading style is that of skimming through and not truly reading and thinking about the words. It has always been that he doesn’t look deeply into anything. That would be too hard for him. He wants only to let others do the difficult things for him.
The first words he said to me after reading it was: “I would understand if you wanted to divorce me.” I commented. “that would be an easy way out for you, wouldn’t it; to NOT try to help the relationship and yourself and just give up on all that could be good?” Of course I got no answer or comment from him…just silence.
That got me to thinking…and thinking a lot ….actually by him saying that, I know that he doesn’t really want to try very hard, no matter how much he says he does. I think I mentioned his words have to match his actions ….well they surely have this time!
It made me realize regardless of how much on a daily basis he “tells” me he is trying to change, so long as I do not see it…He is only using words to manipulate me into believing he is trying.
Yes, 10% improvement is good, and going to see the counselor is good, but he has been known to fool a lot of people into believing a lot of things..and I just wonder if he has found a new way to manipulate his counselor.
In my book I mention he used an excuse of not hearing me for a year…..until one day he went to have his hearing rechecked (I was present this time) and his hearing was perfect! Wow! That was a real eye-opener to me. I wonder how many other things he has lied about to other people as well? Or how much it has cost them dealing with him and the inconsistancies he produces.
You think that going to therapy is good and so do I, don’t get me wrong, but what do you think about a person who takes his medicine only when he wants to rather than when he needs to and continues to do this and lies to his doctors that he has been “a good boy”. His consequence will be his health. That is really sad for him.
As all PA’s manipulate situations to fit what they want; to lie, to find the easy way out of life by not speaking about it, and letting others handle life’s serious side while they just play…We can only watch and wonder .. WHY. It is shallow not to not take on the responsibilities of life for yourself. It makes me wonder –if he can’t do it for himself…surely he cannot handle caring for another, can he?
His counselor/therapist doesn’t give him assignments that I know of…Correction, he did in the beginning, but my PA didn’t do them and always wanted me to figure them out for him. At first I fell for it…the “teaching” thing that is. (Exactly as a parent who would help with their children’t homework. Some parents actually DO the homework for them..That doesn’t help the child think for themselves and figure out problems, dig deeper for answers, ask questions, and become a thinking, problem solving person. You have to teach them how to think for themselves- not “Do” it for them.)
Now I have stopped teaching. It isn’t my job.
This isn’t easy , but life isn’t either. I will TIISG in time. I can’t do it for him…only me.
jmarie
jmarie – I identify with absolutely everything you have said about your PA. My ex husband is textbook. Even when I kicked him out he wanted me to do all the work in terms of mending our marriage and did nothing but run away. In the end, I realised that I just couldnt fix it on my own and asked for a divorce and then boy did I get the victim mode kick in. ‘You asked me for a divorce!’ he threw at me like a hurt child when I wanted to discuss it – regardless of the fact that he had been having sexual contact with an ex student of mine and lied to me for year and then refused to communicate with me or face up to the consequences and try and mend the marriage. I was trying so hard to reach out, even though it was me who was the victim in reality, but he punished me for making him leave and now he’s punishing me for asking for a divorce. Poor old him! And now he’s also back to the lying – this time aboiut how much money he hasnt got so that he ‘can’t’ pay his debts that go out of our joint account, some of which are, of course, in my name as I was mummy as he couldnt get credit. And on it goes, even though we are apart.
But you know, I am so glad I had the strength from somewhere to do this. I’m not reading on eggshells anymore, not wondering how much lying is going on, not frightened, not trying to bring up 3 boys AND him, not having to be worried in case he disapproves or throws a caustic glance, not having to put up with broken promises and not having to deal with the endless ‘victimisation’ he underwent on a daily basis. Of course the downside is I have lost the man I love more than anything. But it wasnt enough and I have gained a LIFE.
The next man I meet will have to complete a checklist of PA and narcissistic traits before I go anywhere near him!!! They sap the life blood out of you. My ex very very nearly destroyed me as a person. People in my village have hardly recognised me since we separated – they say I look happy and stunning and is this a new Heather?? I say its the old Heather returned. As for my ex – I have to see him to hand over our son, which I hate, and whilst it still hurts to see him come through thed door and for a second I feel as though he’s ‘home’ and life is back to normal – I then realise that ‘normal’ was horrendous and thank God he goes away again!!
Heather- My heart goes out to you as I know you still love him very much. You didn’t wait until you were so bitter and resentful that all you had left for him was hate, as so many people do. At the same time I have to say how proud I am of you for taking the steps to make things right for you and your children, and for taking life on again on your own terms, not his. I know it isn’t always easy, but in the long run for how much better you’re feeling and the compliments your getting, you must know deep in your heart it was the best decision.
Thank you so much for sharing your comment and giving everyone a glimpse of hope.
jmarie- LOL. I had to laugh when you said about him “not hearing me for a year”. I’ve always said that a man that’s been married at least once is deaf in one ear. Not the kind of deaf you would find on a machine that measures, but the kind of deaf where they have basically learned to “tune out’ the wife. My BF told me he couldn’t hear to well either when we first got together, but during the “TV Wars” where he was turning the volume down as far as he possibly could and still hear it, made me realize differently. He just brought that to the table as a built in excuse.
It’s interesting knowing your hubby read your book and then had that for a reply. I would have probably taken that as an “out”, although I can see where it may suck me back in thinking “he finally really gets it”.
I understand about the “teaching”. My BF is over 60 yrs. old. It’s time he started thinking, problem solving, himself.
Thank you once again for the comments. Hope you’re having some luck with your book. Good case studies are a great way to learn.
Every needs a little passive aggressives in their lives…
Heather,
Bless you for knowing what you needed and telling him to leave….but most of all for saving your boys of the constant influence from him. I’m sorry he blames you even for the decisions you make which are wise and good for you.
You are perhaps much younger than I am. I no longer have any children at home and haven’t had for many years. If you want my honest opinion, I feel any woman who has children must protect them from the influences of a PA if the PA won’t seek help and change. My only need now is to rescue myself. No one else is coming to rescue me.
Today I announced to my husband that I no longer will Manage, Rescue, or Teach him how to be a better man. It is up to him. That is what had to be done for my growth. I will still tell him how he makes me feel when he does something passive aggressive, but when he continues to do the same things and doesn’t take me seriously…he will be without me sooner than he thinks.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you lost the man you loved. But we all need to know what we can handle and what we can’t. I’m still trying to determine that, because mine is getting counseling.
I wish for your new life all the happiness that you can make for yourself.
I loved the way you said you will have a checklist for the next man..It is important to know why you picked the one you left. Once you know that about yourself, it should be easier to pick well next time…but I do like the idea of a checklist!! GRIN! Your relationship WASN’T normal, neither is mine. It is good to hear that you have such self acceptance and know what you need.
Enjoy the peace in your life. I know what you mean when you say people think you are different now, but really you are now who you were before the relationship. Savor it, enjoy it and be happy.
As for me, I am in a process right now which is a multi-leveled form or growth. As for my PA…who knows whether he will grow or not. He’s on his own to do it for himself.
jmarie
Hello and thank you all for your heartfelt comments. This has really been an eye opener for me and it helped me realize, that I am not alone or …….CRAZY! I too, have been with a narcissistic PA, on and off for 13 yrs. and we have 1 child together. I have tried leaving him over a thousand times and tried to move on, only to find myself taking him back! He can be so great at first, then, back to his old self. I went through hell and back so many times with this man. So much pain, confusion, lack of self worth, insults, degradation, and on and on, from this so called relationship, that my health was rapidly spiraling down. My friends would tell me I looked tired all the time, and they would notice I was a walking time bomb, about to explode from having to walk on eggshells, holding back my anger, frustrations, suspicions, doubts, and not be able to do anything about it. I just turned 40 and my hair is falling out, I have lots of wrinkles, my face is sunken in and I have the skeleton face, yet my body is overweight, I have dark circles and bags under my eyes from all the crying and worrying. My jowls have extra skin that sags down my cheeks and when I look down, I feel like an old woman. On top of that, I have trouble with my weight and cannot stop eating sweets!! Needless to say, I was falling apart!
I had suspicions that he was always out cheating on me, while I stayed home with my little one. Bt I never really had the proof. I kept forgiving him when I would question him about it and he always came up with a good excuse for where he was and why he wouldnt answer his phone at 4 am! Oh and what didn’t help with this matter is that he has to work at night, as he owns topless bars and restaurants. He always gave me a hard time bc I was always against his topless bars. I don’t know how I managed to get myself caught up in his web, as I am the complete opposite of him. He is an alcoholic…and I have never taken a drink in my life, he smokes….I never have, he never goes to church….I go every Sunday and Wed. w/our child. Nevertheless, I have always been a believer in Jesus Christ, and one would think why doesnt God help her? Well He would and as soon as I would start to feel better, get back on my feet, and would move on with my life. My ex would come around again, singing the same pretty lil song, all over again! And what would I do? I would feel sorry for him and I guess, for myself too, bc I would think that I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. And so after doing this a million times, thinking that this time was going to be different. I would get reeled back in again and again.
While together and everything was beautiful, he would promise me has never cheated on me or sneak around on me. Much less talked to any of the strippers while he is working or checking on his business. But I still had my suspicions. And I am here to tell you that I was right all along! One day, we were out of town and staying at his condo and I noticed he wasnt sleeping with his phone in his hands. So I thought I would txt him to see where he had hidden it. I found it in one of his pant pockets in the closet. I helped myself to it and read a conversation he had 2weeks ago by txt and he she was telling him, she was glad they had met and all the attention he was giving her. Oh and that she accepted his offer. He had offered her to be his sugar daddy! He would help her with her bills and in return she would give him sex, sexual favors, escort him to luncheons, functions, whatever he needed and wanted!!! My jaw dropped! I couldn’t believe it! And it wasnt bc I was withholding sex either, he always said, his antidepressant medication has lowered his libido substantially! Well, I had all the proof I needed, to finally be able to let go. I started to put the pieces together from all those years of not knowing. The not knowing was eating me up alive more than anything. He was so good at hiding it, as most PA’s are known to do. So upon discovering all the symptoms of a PA and reading all the other women’s comments, I was convinced this was happening from the very beginning. I now had the closure that I so needed. I’m not sure if it was love or if you can even love a PA or is it just that we are starving for their affection and attention. Bt whatever I felt for him will probably always be there, but I am now forcing myself to go through all the steps of healing from losing a loved one. Yes, as in death. In order for me to heal and not take him back. I had to pretend he was dead in my heart and let go.
One more thing, if I hadn’t cried out to God, I wouldnt have had the courage, strength, confidence, or self-esteem to leave him once and for all. However, it is still challenging for me, bc when he comes over to pick up our child, he is constantly smiling at me and telling me he loves me soo much. And keeps sending me these amorous txts that I just ignore. God Bless everyone who is still trying to get away from that hell hole. All I can say is seek God and continue to seek him with all your heart! Stay Strong Sisters! Thank you for reading…
Survivor- And yes you are, a “survivor” I mean. You are on your way! I’m sorry for the way it had to come about, but I’m happy for you.
It always amazes me how many women have a “sixth sense” when it comes to their man cheating on them, but not all of us are lucky enough to find closure by being able to prove it. On one hand it’s one of the biggest betrayals in a marriage. On the other hand, if you’ve known in your heart it’s going on but haven’t been able to prove it, at first it’s one of life’s biggest “Aha!” moments. “you son of a gun, you’re going to get it now!” and then reality sets in that you have to deal with it somehow. I think you really know at that moment how deep your self-respect has sunk if you let him get away with it.
As far as God, it’s my opinion that you will never have a better ally when the devil is working to get you. I find a lot of strength in God’s promises to me.
Please, do let us know how you’re doing. If you need someone to “talk” to (LOL) we’re here.
What an amazing thing the internet is! To find fellow people dealing with their passive aggressive narcissistic spouses.
I am married (second time) for six years and things are falling apart.
My first marriage was to a sex-addict and I went to 12 step meetings and therapy for years so I don’t marry another addict! Yet, here I am in another marriage who profiles an addict in most aspects of behavior, denying reality, no empathy, no amends, gaslighting, etc, yet he has no “vice” to point to. Just a narcissistic father whom he hates and a codependent mother who sat quietly by.
And here I am, good codependent, trying desperately to get him to see my point of view, hear my feelings, admit when he has behaved in a way that caused me pain. Yet, as someone above said, he can’t see past his own nose …….They don’t see the world beyond their own world of selfishness, anger and fear. Looking back on these five years, I see that I have been the vehicle to express his anger and it feels awful. I am recognizing that he creates this chaos whenever we are having an issue so that I get so upset that we NEVER address the underlying issue. And I have been allowing this to happen.
I am working on noticing MY part, that I actually continue to defend myself (to him directly or even just in my head) against the insanity he presents. I am working on my self-worth and knowing and being comfortable with what I experienced and heard, regardless of the distortions he presents. Yet I am aware that I continue to feel compelled to get him to understand what the “reality” is.
But when I do that, I am clearly not prioritizing my own needs, beliefs and wants, I keep foolishly trying to “get him to understand” the effects and consequences of his behavior. To get that amends, empathy or apology and the accompanying validation. Which will never come. My mantra is “no expectations” but I know I am still expecting a lot. Progress not perfection.
Its time to make an amends to myself, to stop asking a tree for a hug.
Awareness, acceptance, action. I am still working on the awareness piece. And it’s hard. Reading all these posts and what has been known about the PA-N, its not very uplifting if my goal is to keep my family together. As a good PA, he has not yet initiated divorce proceedings, he just avoids everything to provoke me into action. And for now, I am back on the recovery train and working to focus on MY life and not on a mission to get HIM to “get it.” as the good codependent that I tend to be.
Allycat- Hi, good to hear from you. Sorry to hear you stepped from the frying pan into the fire, so to speak. No offense intended.
It does sound like you’re making progress though. Despite what people think, once you recognize the problem is you are living with a passive aggressive, the next step really is to recognize what you’re doing or not doing to promote the passive aggressive behavior. It sounds like you are getting a good handle on it.
If you get a chance, just from the things that you’ve said, you might want to see if there is an “assertiveness training” class somewhere close to you. Sometimes they have them through the county mental health dept., sometimes through the local “adult ed”, sometimes through the parks and recreation dept. in your town or city. I still say some 30 yrs. later, that that was probably one of the best classes I ever took for my own well being. (I could stand to take it again. LOL) Assertiveness is definitely not the same as aggressiveness, but it does teach you very simply how to state what you will and will not stand for, what you expect, etc. I thought it was great! I still use it on my mother at times when she’s trying to make me feel guilty to get her way. LOL.
You are right about the outlook being a little glum if you are hoping for a change, or for him to finally ‘see the light’. Most of the time, even when they do they put it back under a cloud. The only thing I can tell you is even with “help”, they rarely ever really change. They do things to appease for the moment if they feel threatened, but as soon as you are back in arms length, it’s back to the same old thing. I wish I could offer you a lot more hope, but the only hope I can see is getting on with life and hoping not to be miserable in the future. If you read through a lot of these comments, many of these women have been with their spouses for over 30 yrs. and they are not one lick happier today than they were when things started to go bad.
Please, stay in touch and let us know how you’re doing. Keep building new friendships, and support, without him, and I hope you have a little “Self Esteem File” that you can go back to to remind you how special you are. Don’t beat yourself up. It takes time, especially when you’re having to let go of someone you love.
Back around 2005 or so PA was taken out of the DSM-V and folded into NPD. Trying to find the data on that but I remember, at the time, thinking it was right on.
My Mother is a PA Narcissist. They go well together believe me.
A completely self-centered person who makes everyone serve them and pay when they don’t act as expected… I finally had to draw a complete line and say stop or we are not going to continue interacting in this life.
What have you all done to cope with such people?