I’ve been asked what to expect once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive spouse or partner. Being passive aggressive, they can actually move in two or three different directions, but they are still pretty predictable once you are prepared for all and can figure in which way he/she is moving.
I should warn you that if this is your choice, you should be well prepared ahead of time. The things that are very important to you you should slowly be packing away somewhere so they are easy to move out fast once you break the news. Remember that most stuff is just that, stuff. It can be replaced. Things that belonged to your grandmother cannot. Be real on what you really want and need.
Squirrel some money away. You don’t have to take thousands from the grocery money every month, but $20 here, $20 there, adds up. No matter what they say about “Money not buying happiness” it makes life a whole lot easier if you have some, even if you’re just moving in with family.
If you’re leaving the passive aggressive, you cannot expect him to be co-operative. He may, if he’s the 1st kind I’m going to talk about below, but don’t expect it. He’s used to punishing you for his parents mistakes, he’s certainly not going to be easier on you now that he figures in his mind that you’ve “wronged” him.
1) The first kind of passive aggressive will just pretty basically walk away. Think about it. He was never really connected to you anyway. The reason you’re probably leaving is because there’s no affection any more, no intimacy, not much of anything. It’s a little bruising to our ego that he doesn’t even try to get us back, but it’s the way they are. Even if his heart is breaking inside, you will probably never know it. He would never admit. He’ll not do anything to fix it. He is the victim. This is also one of the ways he figures he can punish you. He just moves on.
2) The second way they can act once you’ve decided you’re leaving the passive aggressive, is actually rather hostile. You’re the bitch, he could never please you, get your stuff and get out, you can take your stuff, but only your stuff and nothing else. If you remember, almost everything in your marriage that went wrong was “your fault” whether he cheated on you, or constantly belittled you, what ever it was, don’t expect that to change. And don’t expect them to co-operate in any way. Many times they will fight for something during the divorce that they don’t even want, just to keep you from getting it. At least when you get the blame this time, it will have a better ending in sight.
3) Then there’s the passive aggressive that is oh, so sorry. He’ll change. He’ll do what ever you want, just come back home (or let him come home). “I wouldn’t have been that way if you had just…” and it’s still all about what you did wrong. If they agree to change, or see a therapist or what ever it is you’re asking of them, it is usually only a temporary ploy. The same kind of temporary ploy they used to land you in the first place. Once they feel they are back on secure ground, all the changes go out the window.
It is not unusual to be talking about what needs to happen with a passive aggressive, you’re to the point that you’re willing to share a house again, and he will turn the tables on you. All of a sudden, he isn’t sure he wants to come back, or he wants you to concede that most everything is your fault and you will change. Remember, the bottom line of almost any passive aggressive is that everything is always someone else’s fault. They rarely take any responsibility for anything going wrong, in their marriage, in their job, in their lives.
If you have children, you can either expect him to fight for custody, and should he win, within a short time you’ll get the kids most of the time anyway, because generally he doesn’t really want them all the time. He just wants to punish you. Or, he will rarely see them, or be late for every visitation, or call frequently to change plans. Really not much different then when you were married to him and he “forgot” to pick up the kids, etc. The only difference now is you don’t have to live with it 24/7. Don’t think he’s going to be any different once you’ve left him than he always was.
I hope this helps a little. Of course each situation is different because each person is different. These are just the basics. If you have any comments or questions, feel free. The one thing I will say about leaving a passive aggressiveis that once you are out for good, I haven’t known a whole lot of the “escapees” that would go back. LOL
Filed under: passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse Tagged: | coping with a passive aggressive, games passive aggressives play, Leaving a passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse
Hi Ladybeams! I just saw your article/posting, and am thankful I saw it tonight. It’s such a relief that you laid out their behavior, as my husband is the classic bullet point #1. Right now, anyways. More of this will come out in the divorce, I’m sure.
Your insight has brightened my day. Remember, he never spoke to me for over a month (we were apart that long too), and he showed up to our talk regarding what to do next in our relationship, completely cold and non-emotional. He had clearly made up his mind, and you’re right – he’s not going to fix it, hes’ the “victim and shouldnt have gotten married anyway”. It is definitely sad that our marriage is going to end, and I’m going through these feelings of grief (even tho I know I don’t love him any longer, but I do care about him). I’m actually surprised how my emotions have been since Sunday when we decided to divorce. I didnt expect to be this sad or bummed out. It’s the right decision, no doubt, but maybe it’s because I actually have feelings and didnt construct a wall of silence like he did.
I believe he also enjoys me going through these feelings – I cried when we spoke about divorce, and you’re right, it was a bruise to my ego – he relishes in that. Thank you for pointing that out. He did in fact admit multiple times over the years that when he made me angry it showed him that I loved him. (WHAT??!!!!) These men are really something else, arent they?!
Thanks for listening, writing and being there for me and others. You lifted my mood this evening.
Best to you!
Cj- I’m so glad to be of any help.
It’s not unusual to be saddened even though you no longer love your husband. You are still losing someone and a relationship that you cared deeply about at one time. It’s always sad to have to say “goodbye” to that. You have a right to allow yourself to grieve, but it doesn’t mean you’re making a bad decision. It just means that a part of your life is dying, and in that sense many times part of the old has to die to make room for the new. You are perfectly normal. I would think you maybe a little cold if you didn’t feel anything. I can understand that when it’s a couple that is at each other’s throats all of the time, or splitting over some big fight, but not when things just sort of slipped away.
Even when we hate them when we leave, at one time they held our love in their hands and a special place in our hearts. They probably always will have a little spot in our hearts, to a certain extent. It’s a little sad anytime you have to let go of yesterday to say hello to tomorrow. I hope this didn’t bring you down again after you saying I lifted you up tonite. LOL.
Please keep in touch. Love to hear how you’re doing, and definitely here if you need to vent, talk, cry, etc.
I feel like I am living in some sort of Orwellian world. I had a whirlwind romance when I was young and married someone who was passive-aggressive who also had Borderline Personality Disorder. Within 24 hours of moving in, I saw the real person behind the mask and thought to myself I had made a huge mistake. She was a raging inferno exhibiting qualities of both BPD and PA. My ego kept me from admitting I had no idea what I had done and didn’t even know the person I had married. So, I stayed for five years of living hell. Often times keeping my keys on the night stand so when the night rages came, I could jump in the car and head to a hotel. I stayed with her not because I loved her but because she manipulated me with threats of suicide and that she needed me in between raging on me and blaming me for her sickness. She manipulated her psychiatrist like a trainer would manipulate a Toy Poodle.
Ultimately when I got out, I had to hire a criminal attorney for guidance because when she knew I was leaving, I deserved all of the vengeance she could muster against me. There were threats and rages and lies and it was a holy hell. But, I got out, realized my own shortcomings of why I had put up with this behavior and went on to have a productive life and productive relationships for the next 12 years. Met the woman of my dreams but then personal tragedy struck.
So, I was back on the dating scene and used an online service. Met a wonderful woman who was charming, witty and seemingly normal. But from the beginning something was wrong. After two months, the relationship exposed itself for what it was. She too was passive-aggressive. And it was a very deep PA as well. Although she is a partially functioning adult with a career and kids. Although the kids are a mess.
When I put 2 and 2 together, I told her I cared for her but I needed her to respectfully commit to maintaining her 50% of a healthy relationship. She immediately withdrew even further and simply disappeared.
My point in all of this is PAs cannot maintain any sense of normalcy in a relationship and if someone knows what they are looking for, the symptoms are so obvious you can drive a truck through them. When I was young and naive, I had no concept of mental illness or behavioral problems because I grew up in a relatively normal dysfunctional family. Haha. And online dating services are often a bastion for people with serious problems. On the internet, passive aggressives thrive. And you can be whomever you want to be. That is, until you need to engage in the real world and a relationship.
Thanks for the blog. I am trying to get my bearings again and your blog helped. My first mistake in life was due to my naivety and ego. The second I realized the dynamics almost immediately and set a healthy boundary she could not or would not meet. So, I was very fond of her but realize the future hell of sacrificing my emotional well-being and boundaries. Your posts are a reminder of the real world consequences of PAs and the people they destroy.
Anon- Thank you for sharing your story. It is such a shame that unless you grew up in the middle of it, more people don’t understand the different forms of mental illness. What’s really sad is I advise people to try counseling and like you, I get many stories back where the passive aggressive has just manipulated the therapist. Now I mostly recommend therapy for a person singularly for support than I do for couples.
I’m sorry to read that after finally getting out of a bad situation into a good one, that it was torn apart by tragedy. What’s that old saying about “only the good die young”? I’m very sorry for your loss.
I am happy to hear though that you have taken your learned wisdom from hard knocks and are using it effectively to not wind up in the same situation. I am curious as to which online service you were using. I always thought if I was going to do that I would probably try e-harmony because their questionairre goes so far in depth. Far enough in depth to turn down one of my girlfriends. LOL. Gave some poor guy a break.
I’m glad to hear you find the blog helpful. Good luck to you and your new journey. Feel free to stop in anytime and let us know how it’s going. I have so many nice ladies that are always asking if there are still any nice guys out there that really want a healthy, loving, committed relationship. You’re living proof. LOL
Thanks for the reply and the kind words. It’s really quite hard not to learn from my experiences since they were so severely destructive.
Are there men out there that want a health relationship? Well, I have the opposite question. How many women are self-aware enough to embrace relationships based on respect, admiration and healthy boundaries? It’s a two way street and there are plenty of people looking for love but very few on either side who know that first involves loving themselves and not attempting to get what they want through some dysfunctional dynamic of control. Because really unhealthy relationships seek the intent of control rather than learning. And there are tons of both men and women with control problems because that is the only dynamic most anyone learns as a child in our battle for control with our parents.
Good luck!
Anon- Amen, Brother! Very well put.
Thanks again for your (wise) input. Drop in some time and let us know how it’s going in the “dating” world for you. Always good for all of us to hear from someone who made it to the other side. LOL.
[...] by ladybeams Due to a comment left on the blog, I got to thinking about my original post “Leaving The Passive Aggressive“. While we all know divorce isn’t easy on anyone, we all hope to go through it without [...]
After almost 12 yrs of marriage (+4 yrs dating), I have decided to get a divorce. I married a psycho Felix Unger (think of “Sleeping With the Enemy” sans the physical violence). A month ago & from searching on the web, I found out I was not alone! I found out that he is a textbook passive-aggressive/obstructionist. When he’s mad, upset, doesn’t get his way, he just shuts down, gives me the silent treatment, then does something spiteful to get me back– usually emotional manipulation & punishment. After consistently trying for 14 out of the 16 yrs together & finally realizing I don’t love him, I want a divorce.
So, how do you ask someone who cannot express emotions, a control freak, does not see his own contribution to the issue, cannot communicate, shuts down & is spiteful, for a divorce? How do I get this passive-aggressive/obstructionist man agree to giving me my freedom without emotionally torturing me in the process? The worst part is that, due to our financial situation, we are most likely going to have to live together through the divorce process.
P.S. If you want the depressing details of how I got here, look my username up in http://www.firstwivesworld.com. I have recently found the courage to take the 1st step by publicly admitting my situation on the blog…
I have lived with a PA man for over 19 years now. I am 9 1/2 years his senior and he uses that to his advantage. my advice is to get out asap! what a waste of time, health and life! Since we’ve been together, my health has gone downhill, we have claimed bankruptcy and I have lost my children from a former abusive relationship. I am now stuck, on disability, making a little over 1,000 a month and cannot survive on my own. he has alienated me from my family and my daughters by his acts of violence. He even had me stuck at home without a car for 6 years while he drove it to work 8 miles away and it stayed in the parking lot all day. My oldest daughter will not let me see my
grandson because of his behavior. I’ve had to lie to so many different people to “save face” and he stays home and lets me deal and give excuses for his absences. The only saving factor is my church family. Now he is threatening to leave the church because “they don’t think like he does”. We have done this twice! The first time I was getting alot of attention by singing in different groups and being a Sunday school teacher. He like to hurt me by looking at younger more beautiful women (internet and real) making me feel inferior. What was I thinking. Please pray for me to find a way out.
I’m new to this type of thing, so here goes. I met this wonderful loving fun younger guy through neighours. After 12 years (2 dating 10 married) of wondering what was wrong with me and how everything was my fault, i have had enough! We’ve separated so many times the last time we got back together i didn’t tell anyone that we had. He visited some mutual friends a few days later and told them that he was fine with the end and at peace with it. The next weekend he visited the same couple and wasn’t so ok with it so it seems, he started to tell them that i had ruined all his friendships and destroyed his relationships with his family (he had no friends and his family left him years ago in fact haven’t had contact with him in over 4 years now) He also intimated that i was keeping his stuff and all he had was the clothes on his back (he refused to come and get them after i packed them as we live separately he had a lot of his clothes at his own apartment) He then proceeded to attempt to ruin the friendships that were originally mine by telling my girlfriend that i hated her and wanted nothing further to do with her, all after his man friend went into the house and he couldn’t hear him saying this crap. Is this normal and should i be prepared for something and what might that be…at this time i can’t put my finger on other things all a bit worse then the last! He is totally alone he has no friends, his family wants nothing to do with him, and his job is a source of constant bitterness. He lives pretty close to me.
Heather- Hi! and welcome.
I’m sorry to say My Dear, but if he’s acting like this already, you should probably be prepared for almost anything except probably an actual face to face confrontation. PA’s don’t usually go for the face to face stuff. They will tell you one thing and as you are finding out, tell everyone else something totally different. I’m afraid it’s not unusual that he is trying to cut you off from your friends and woo them to his side. If his own family and friends have cut him off in the past, he’s probably in panic mode now that you two have split, that your friends are going to cut him off also. No excuse, but typical. He will play the victim to the hilt in order to manipulate any one who will listen. You’re lucky your girlfriend told you what he had said instead of just believing him and disconnecting from you. We’re not always so lucky.
At least he already has his own place, so that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about is getting him out. I would tell him again about getting the rest of his stuff from your place and try to completely disconnect from him. It’s a shame he lives close to you as he probably will behave sort of like a stalker in the beginning. If you can’t arrange for him to get his stuff than I would just tell him you’re putting it outside, and if he wants it he better come get it before someone else does. Or you could take it and drop it off at his apartment. After clearing the rest of his things out, I wouldn’t look back.
From there on in, all communication should take place between lawyers. If you have anything jointly with him you need to protect yourself. Any joint credit cards you need to get your name off of if you’re an authorized user on his, and get his name off if he’s an authorized user on yours. I would think since you two have gone so far in the past that you each have your own apt. that you have already done most of this stuff, but just in case. You should know that he will probably not co-operate with you in regards to a divorce. He’ll make appointments he won’t keep, etc. He most likely won’t make it easy for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world. Even when you’re “done” it’s still hard sometimes. If you read through some of the comments here, you’ll see entries from a few that have made it “out” and are very happy for doing so. Feel free to stop by anytime. We love to hear how you’re doing, or sometimes you just need a safe place to rant. You’re welcome here either way.
Hey Ladybeams…..Looking back now i wonder is it normal for them to cling onto you and look to you for their every need? My gf doesn’t believe most of what comes out of his mouth, but her live in boyfriend does the majority of the time. There is going to be a lot of confusion there for a while i’m assuming. He’s gone over there on a number of occasions during our separations and said things like that, and i’ve maintained the same story each time. In regards to joint stuff that was taken care of by me when we separated the first time, that’s all covered. When i told him i couldn’t stand this anymore, i told him to come and get his stuff but as usual he wouldn’t. I took it upon myself to deliever his clothes to him personally and did not give him a chance to talk to me. That i presume was when he went into panic mode, i’ve never done anything like that before. I used to hope that he’d come and get his stuff and that we could talk, and fix things. In the past when we’d separate he’d admit that he was watching me, but i never saw him in the act of it so i would have no idea if he’s doing that now, is he? I would have to say that i’m in the middle of my own panic mode. It’s been 3 weeks today and i’m really wondering what i’ve done here ( i know it’s the best thing). His longest time away from me is about 3 weeks. Is this time any different then the others, should i expect some kind of contact? I’ve never felt this out of it before, and no one knows what to say to me. I’m so angry i can’t see straight. He works and makes ok money his rent was really low mine is too. He did everything here, eat, tv, shower, got his clothes washed, internet, home phone, i supplied him with a cell he used any way he wanted even though we shared the plan, i took him coffee at lunch. He didn’t lift a finger to help while he was here, would get here after work to late to help get dinner ready, but seemed to think he could have as much as he wanted. He’d sorta clean up after dinner i had to finish it at the end of the night, the rest of his night was sitting in front of the computer playing games. He thought his fair share for that level of service was $50 to $100 per week, i bought all the food and he told me what he needed to take home out of that (ie cat litter, bread, lunch meat), most of the time it was over half what he gave me, while he pocketed money for himself. I ran after him like a puppy dog, it never seems like i did enough. i had to beg for affection, attention, conversation, money, and worst of all sex, maybe got that 2 times a month, the last few times it made me feel like a rape victim when it was done. It’s nice to know after all the wandering around on the net that i’m not alone. The worst of it is that i do not have any money to even get the divorce started so will that affect how he behaves towards me as well? i know this is a mess of typing but i’m still really foggy in the head.
So an update on the divorce proceedings…which will be the death of me yet! So I don’t hear from my PA husband for 4 months. I have no idea where he is at. No phone, cell or address. It’s like poof! He has left the face of the earth. So I make arrangements to go on vacation out of the country and send my 2 boys to my mom’s house to visit their grandmother for 3 weeks while I am gone. Great plan right??? Until my attorney hands me an emergency temporary order that my husband does not want me going out of the country and that my son cannot go visit his grandmother. How did he find out??? We know NO mutual friends (because there are none) and I don’t really know any of his friends or even where he is at. Hmmm…he was hacking into my person email. Found out because I had no ink in my printer at home and so emailed itinerary info to my personal email to print at work. Wow! What a low life scumbag does that? Oh yeah, the PA does that.
So we show up to court the day my children are to leave. He has concocted some story to his attorney about how he wants to watch the child while I’m gone and that I have been taking the child to my husband’s aunt’s house to watch my son. Oh yeah, did I mention that I “did not contact him to get approval to do this”. How was I supposed to when a process server couldn’t serve you because nobody knows where your at??? (lowlife). Anyway, he miraculously changes his story and decides he wants to visit my son and will work out an agreement to settle our marriage. Thank God, this is in a document that was filed with the court saying he will comply. My attorney is being paid well and she is good at what she does. She’s my backbone in all this. Because I get so angry and upset I become jelly so I stand behind her and let her be the b**ch for me.
So we visit for 3 days only and the last visit was like someone put me in the elevator and pushed the button to hell. It was a huge session of WHY we are not together and how divorcing him was the right decision. How I was lucky he didn’t take me into the courtroom and how me and everyone I know is a loser. His PA is only directed to me and I get the whole shebang! So TX is a 60 day wait and on 7/8/10 we will have hit the 90 day marker. His attorney believes his crap and I wonder how long it will take her to figure it out…or ever does. He now claims this aunt is his friend’s mother (so she really isn’t an aunt now is she???) and claims that HE is the one that took my son to her house last year. The woman doesn’t even live in this country. Wow…what an idiot. I’m waiting for him to trip up in his lies. So basically he has admitted to lying to me…flat out. That’s a first for him. I think he tried to impress me during the 3 visits…didn’t work. He smelled like a whore house because of so much cologne and it made me sick, rubbed off on my son and I wanted to barf. He has gotten so full of himself. It is like I married Jekyl and this is Hyde visiting us. My son never asks about him and he is too stupid to realize this. When we left Chuck E. Cheese the 3 year old was done with dad and totally underinterested, wanting to leave with me and my husband looked totally exhausted. I was laughing inside and thinking “you fool, this is my life everyday and you can’t even cope for 3 hours.”
I’m sticking to my guns and will wait the poor pathetic fool out. Keep y’all posted and I’m anxious to see how it all turns out in the end.
Sami- I’m so glad to hear from you! Welcome back.
Boy, talk about typical. You don’t hear from him for 4 months then you can’t get him to go away, aye? LOL. I’m glad you have a good attorney. As far as his attorney, all that attorney cares about is representing your husband and getting paid. They don’t really care what the truth is. They are just doing a job.
It sounds like you three are doing quite well without him. What used to amaze me going through something like this is I would miss my ex, sort of self doubt myself, and then all I had to do was be around him for a short time, and I would remember all over again why I left and how much better off I was. Sounds like you went through that in your 3 day visit. So now what? Is he taking another 4 months off from visitation, or do you two have some regular schedule worked out? Hopefully you’ve changed the passwords on everything you have. LOL. They sure pull out all the stops once they get it that they don’t have control over you any more, don’t they?
Thanks for updating us. My fingers are crossed and prayers are with you. As this goes on, just the reactions of your children are enough to give strength to go forward. How’s the 14 yr. old doing? Hope all is well there also. Does your almost ex include him in the visitation with the 3 yr. old? or is your 14 yr. old even interested?
Well…since he verbally/mentally/emotionally abused me, yet again, at the last visit. I pretty much have it in my head that 1) I want child support and 2) no more visiting until you finalize the divorce. Simple as that. You wanna see your son, you have to let me go. I have kind of met someone and my ex now knows of him because of the email account. The new guy was like “so…what’s the problem?” Bless his heart…he has no idea what a loaded question that is. But he does see the ex is NOT normal like the rest of us.
Anyway, I am sure since he knows about the new possible interest that he is holding out as long as he can to make me miserable. Thing is the new guy is a good man, follows our religion and has waited (and willing to wait). Hubby won’t get that at all.
As far as the 14 year old goes. I took him the first time and the ex did offer to buy him something. It was about $21 and well after the price came through did not get him anything. The last 2 times, I did not take him because he would get bored eventually and spend all my money (Chuck E. Cheese) because the last visit was 3.5 hours long. Even the little one was tired and done by the time the 3.5 hours was up.
I remember when I was young my dad called me from time to time but probably didn’t so much because he got us regularly. I can see my ex not calling and not coming around as often as I would expect. I think this is his attempt to make himself look good for others. But others won’t be watching when it’s all over and done with. I know his atty just wants her money, but he doesn’t have much and in the end lies don’t stand up in court when I have witnesses that can show he was never hardly around.
Again, as for the 14 year old…he doesn’t really seem to care. He didn’t care too much for my ex and it has always been me and the 14 year old as a unit. His real father isn’t around and I have done my best to make sure he knows I love him. He is a good kid and becoming a very good man. At times, he does his manly duty and other times not so much. But I can see him being good as an adult. I do my best. Of course, the ex would say I messed him up…oh like your mother messed you up? Okay that was low, but the truth.
Anyway, I’ll keep everyone posted. As I sad, it’s day to day and we just have to wait to see how things pan out.
Take care,
Sami
Sami- I definitely would do just as you say in 1 & 2. I think also it’s time to set some ground rules regarding proper boundaries and behavior during visitation. There is no reason for you to have to take any kind of abuse from him any longer. (There was never any reason to anyway, but even more so now). I know it can, at least here, be put in the divorce about parents not being allowed to be disparaging against the other parent in front of the children. One way to teach him in a hurry is every time he starts to get verbally or emotionally abusive, 1) let him know he has no right to speak to you that way 2)if he continues, just pick up your child and leave. If you are consistent, he will learn he cannot do that to you anymore, but you do have to be consistent.
I’m so happy you are close with your 14 yr. old. This age and the rest of the teen years are so tuff for a kid to get through and come out on the right side. It’s good he has you.
Good luck, and I’m always holding you and your little family in my prayers. Please do keep us posted. Love to hear from you.
Ladybeams – thankyou so much for that original post. My husband is no 1 – just walks away. We’ve had a hideous time – I found out 2 months ago he had been emotionally unfaithful to me last summer and lied for nearly a year about the texts I found on the phone bill being his ex gf [bad enough] – but when I finally emailed the ex gf discovered this was not so, and in actual fact it was one of my/our ex students. Horrendous. I kicked him out – which was the fuel he needed fr being the victim in this, and has used this to punish me for not trying to mend our marriage whilst he was staying at his friend’s, saying ‘I wasnt responsible for what you were feeling because I didnt live here’. Over the past 6 weeks he has dipped in and out of our family at will, at one time being quite happy to come and ask for sex but when I asked him to stay over afterwards, he said no and went back to his friend’s. I asked him to move back in and he said no and then ‘am I supposed to be grateful?’ which was so confusing because actually, yes you are after everything that’s happened! He started capping conversations and visits, by saying he would only be here for x amount of time, always cutting phone calls short, too busy to come and see his son and walk his dog let alone mend us. Always something more important to do. Not prepared to discuss with becoming defensive and face to face was absolutely impossible. I tried to disuss mending, all he said was he wanted space, that I was harassing him ‘relentlessly’ [not true] – and that his counsellor reckons he’s not PA at all but has very low self esteem. Suddenly it was all about poor him and I needed to back off and shut up! He moved back in [after I laid down an ultimatum of he either gets his backside home or that's it, divorce] but its cold, unemotional and when I mention that he gets angry and defensive again – I’m not allowed to say how I feel obviously. I feel like there’s too big a hill to climb to mend this – and that he doesn;t really give a damn. He says his emotions are all locked away – great – so where does that leave me and us trying to mend? At the end of the day, he broke this and yet now I’m scared to even say what I feel or think in case he gets confrontational – and then when he does, its my fault for putting ‘pressure’ on him. Our son is only 19months old – this wasnt the plan for his life – but I dont see how this will get better. When all tis blew up and he got found out, he just walked away and lived a selfsh life thinking just about him whilst I looked after the house and 3 kids etc on my own distraught. He showed no emotion, no remorse, no empathy, no demonstration of commitment, no love no respect even. From reading these pages, it would seem this is classic PA reaction? How come it all feels like its now MY fault??
I think as time goes by, divorce is the only possibility. Either that or a life of keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace. Any advice?
shut down now- So sorry to hear you’re going through all this. It’s always sad to hear about someone who obviously loves someone else so much and gets no co-operation at all.
I hate to have to say this, but it sounds like your husband wants his cake and to eat it too. If he has already had an “emotional affair” and then he wants his “space” I would say that a real affair probably isn’t too far behind. He says his emotions are “locked away” because they probably are and will remain so. Passive aggressives really don’t have the capacity to truly connect emotionally, which is why he is able to walk away and is too busy to see the kids, you, etc. As you can see, forcing him back into the house won’t give you want you want from him, but he can’t be allowed to run the family from afar at will either.
It is important that you understand that these things are not your fault. Yes we feel like it is because that’s what they keep telling us to rationalize their behavior. It’s a load of crap and a cop out for not dealing with what is really going on in the marriage, or giving them an excuse to cheat, or whatever. I think if I were in your place I would start emotionally detaching from him so 1) he can’t hurt you so easily 2) if you have to move forward with a divorce in the future it won’t be as devastating. You need to start building your life with your kids, your family and your friends. Get some of your independence back, and if necessary it may not hurt for you to see a therapist also for moral support. Just remember to interview them first so you are sure to get someone who understands what you are going through.
The next thing I would do if you are not already is be putting a little cash away that he doesn’t know about, just in case you need some emergency cash for you and the children. You can’t pull this out for any emergencies while you and he are together. This is strictly for a time that if the two of you should split, and you need a little extra money for a lawyer or you and the kids.
You need to start taking control now before it’s completely out of your hands. If you were to find out he’s having a real affair today, where would you be? emotionally, financially? While you can hope for the best, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck, I would prepare for the worst. Anything that happens causing a break up is hurtful at best, but if you are totally unprepared, it can be really devastating.
Let us know how you’re doing. Hope you find this to be of some help. We’re with you out here.
shut down now–I just wanted to comment on something in your post. Please, whatever you do, do NOT feel like all this is your fault. This is the manipulative way a PA gets to you, for whatever reason. My ex does/did the same thing to me and I was always constantly feeling guilty for everything that happened in our relationship. Then I read about PA and with the help of my mother, friends and this website realized it was not me. This is the PAs way of making themselvs feel better about the things they do. It makes them the victim, therefore, all blame is put on someone else.
You care about your husband and this is something he knows and uses to his advantage, albeit to your disadvantage. So don’t even listen to him. Do as ladybeams says…get reconnect with family and friends. Make your own life with your kids. I was SO independent and my ex was gone so much that I had already started doing that. I realized it was going to end because I couldn’t take it anymore so I made sure I started returning friends’ phone calls more. Doing things with them, etc. It has helped tremendously.
Also, ladybeams will find this interesting. While I was reading how he is emotionally disconnected, my light bulb went on. At my last meeting with the ex he told me “well when I meet someone new I’ll share my heart with them instead”. I thought to myself “did he never share it with me while I was sharing mine”. Oh how stupid I was to think that. He gave me the true PA answer and verified the fact that he is PA. As ladybeams said, they never really connect emotionally and are detached. They don’t realize they will NEVER connect or open their hearts up unless they try. Which may never happen.
Anyway, read and read and read. This cite is helpful and you will learn so much. Once you learn to recognize it life is easier and you won’t be thinking that everything is your fault or feeling guilty. That’s what happened with me. I AM the victim but refuse to let it get to me while I have to listen to my ex whine about him being the victim. I feel sorry for him. (not really but I do pity him).
Take care and hang in there…we women are resilient.
Sami
Thankyou both. Since that last post things took a turn for the worst and yesterday I knew I couldnt take this any more. I went to the doctor yesterday for some mild anti depressants to help me cope and once again, no empathy whatsoever from my husband. When he got in from work there was an invisible but hideous tension between us and I said ‘do you feel as awkward as I do?’ he replied he did, and I asked what we are going to do about ‘dont know’ he said and I could just see this stress stretching out for all eternity and knew I couldnt take it any longer. So I made the call and told him it is over and I want a divorce. He just stared at me. I could see he was hurt and angry, but he just walked away, had a shower and went out saying he would move out the next day [today]. I knew, from the past separation not to expect him to fight for our marriage at all, and also knew that today he would start making demands for money and other nonsense. Sure enough the email came in this morning asking for £600 to be ready for him today. I told him no because the mortgage and bills will go out of the bank in 2 days time and he will have to wait. He softened a little then and I told him I had left a smaller amount for him in the house. He asked me to take the children out until 6pm so that he could move out but he hasnt taken much at all and will need to come back which is annoying. I sent him an email saying he could take anything he wanted as I wouldnt be trivial, and thanked him for allowing me to know what it was like to be alive in the early years of our relationship and for being my soul mate albeit not forever. His response? ‘May I take this moment to point out that it was you who asked for a divorce’. Turned it round again and he will continue to do so I know – all my fault he is so miserable now. I told him he can be very cruel and that he left me when he chose to have this text sex thing with an ex student behind my back and then lie to my face about it for nearly a year. HE made the choice, not me.
But what is so horrible tonight is that once again I’m starting to doubt myself – have I done the right thing? Could I have tried harder? I know I wasnt very pleasant myself for a while….and suddenly all the things in the house that I have bought him are jumping out at me [note there are very few he has bought me... in fact only 1] and I fnd I am missing him – but missing WHAT exactly! The aggression and defensiveness? No! The constant digs at my eldest son? No! The lack of affection? No! The tension? No! So what? – The memory of when it was good. But his actions have smashed any hope of that returning. So very many lies and no compassion or empathy at all. Is lying common in PAs? He seems to be a compulsive liar – even about things that really dont matter. I know I will never again be able to trust him – not that I ever have to be honest.
I’m just so very very sad. I didnt want a divorce. I wanted a happy marriage and now so desperately want a cuddle – but I also know that what I want cannot be achieved anymore and if i dont do this, I will consign myself and my kids to a life of misery and stress and tension. If we dont end this we will ultimately destroy each other or go insane. And I think I am half way there already.
I also feel I should clarify this emotional affair btw and see what you make of it. Last summer we were arguing dreadfully a LOT. Really viscious arguments and i could find no real reason for it other than being tired with a new-ish baby. He sent me away on an expensive spa weekend and I can home chilled, but within hours the tension was back and I just couldnt figure it out. So I started looking for answers and went through his mobile phone bill. I found a number cropping up over and over again – some 20+ texts each day for 2 mnths at ‘sneaky’ times when he was walking the dog or taking our son out for a walk – sometimes starting at 7.30am and ending at midnight. The day he said I could go our for the day, there were 29 texts that day. I called the number – no answer and no voicemail either. I went through his contacts and the number didnt exist. So I confonted him and asked him if he’d been having an affair and he said no. So I asked him if he’d been having some sort of text affair and he asked why, and I said I had seen the phone bill. He put his head in his hands and told me it was his ex girlfiend – someone he had built up to be an important ex – and that it had stopped. I asked him what ‘it’ was and he couldnt really say. He said she had tracked him down and wanted to talk because she had been raped. The story didnt stack up somehow and I kept returning to it over the next few months – but it still didnt make sense re why the amount of texts and why the sneaky times. Communication between us got worse and our marriage started to go downhill fast, despite a ‘fresh start’ at xmas. I really started to believe my husband was in still in love with his ex and so started lookig for more evidence to back tis up. I found an email he had sent her some years back asking her to run away wth him a she is perfect – which was very hurtful – especially as he had told me the reason they split was because he had walked in on her sleeping with someone else – it just didnt make sense how she could be so ‘perfect’. After a long time of this, I suggested we went into counselling but he was reluctant so i went on my own, and realised I had to decide whether I could move on from this or not – but my problem was not really understand what ‘this’ actually was. So I told him I would email the ex gf to get her side of the story – this was some 9 months after I found the phone bill and also abouy 8 months since I had found a pornogrpahic photo sent to his email which he had forwarded to his personal email, of a girl taking a picture of herself with a mobile in the mirror – obvously ‘homegrown’. I assumed it to be the ex, but he said it was just some pic a friend of his was circulating.
So I emailed the ex, and was told she hadnt heard from him for over 4 years and to call her. So i did. And she told me my husband had already emailed her 1st thing that morning to beg her not to speak to me – she sent me the email thread – I read my husband’s pleas to her. It made me feel sick. So he knew he’d been found out and he came home with a well rehearsed story. And finally revealed it to be an ex student we had both taught, now just gone 20 [he is 37] and that it had ‘got out of hand’. The porno picture was of her and again i felt sick knowing that one of my students had sent a half naked picture of herself to my husband, her ex teacher, for his eyes only. And that is why I kicked him out in the first place. He still doesnt think he betrayed me that much and i’msure he thinks I’ve made a fuss over nothing because he [says] he didnt touch her. He met her once at the beginning and nothing happened.
its the lies more than anything. The lack of conscience. And when he was out of the house, no fighting to save our marriage, no remorse. I feel totally disrespected, unloved and used. And still I asked him to come home and he threw it back in my face. Which is why I have now asked for a divorce. I know I cant trust him again and that I am worth so very much more.
Whether this is an ‘emotional affair’ or not I’m not really sure. All I know is that he has totally betrayed our marriage vows and that in my eyes at least, he has been unfaithful to me. He may as well have slept with her for all the damage his actions have caused.
Shut down now- 29 texts in one day doesn’t sound like nothing to me. LOL. I don’t blame you for being very upset, not even looking at the full circumstances. And you are right, if everything was on the up and up, why would he have to text when he was sure you weren’t around? And it sounds like he had tried to get something going again with his ex before this came along (based on what you say about the email). How lucky you were that she wanted to go ahead and talk things out with you. At least you knew where things stood on that front. It sounds like even if you were to keep trying to save this marriage, he is looking and probably always will be looking for something else. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to take it personal. Sounds funny doesn’t it? I can almost hear you scream “but it is personal. It’s very personal”. What I’m saying is that it isn’t anything you did or didn’t do. It’s the way he is and will probably always be no matter who he’s with. You have already seen how “disconnected” he is when you told him to get out the first time. Passive aggressives really never invest a whole lot emotionally. That’s why it’s so hard for us, who give all the love in our hearts to give, have such a hard time understanding them.
Hope this helps a little. Thanks for the further explanation regarding your situation. I would say you are definitely doing the right thing.
shut down now- I am so sorry it had to come to this. It is not unusual for all the bad stuff, for you to be sad about ending your marriage just as you would if a dear friend had died, which is essentially what is happening. If you don’t do something about it now, where will you be 5 yrs. from now except that 5 more years of misery will have gone by, and who knows, maybe even worse things to suffer through. And what about your oldest? What will 5 more years of this dysfunctional family unit do to him?
It’s always easy for us to blame ourselves. It’s also easy to start remembering things as they were instead of how they are, but the truth is the truth. For every 1 person that can brag about not getting divorced, being married forever even though they lived most of it totally unhappy, I can show you 10, 20 or more that are happy they got out and can’t understand what took them so long.
Now is the time to love the heck out of your children and get more involved with your family and friends. It will help a lot to fill some of the void you are and will feel over the coming months. At the same time, give yourself a little time, usually very little, and relish the sense of relief, the freedom, the peace in your house now that this is finally coming out in the open.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, My Dear. Please, write as often as you need, whether it’s to cry or rant, or just feel like someone is listening. Good luck to you. How does your son feel about the split? Have you been able to sit and discuss his feelings along with your own about what is happening?
Sami- Thanks for your encouraging words. I’m sure they help all of us.
can I also say that I agree with you that PA’s manipulate their therapist – when we went to couple counselling the other week, he was a different person – and the whole session turned on ME! His therapist says he exhibits no signs of PA behaviour at all – which has got him off the hook completely in his mind – she should try living with him!
shut down now- LOL. If only that were possible, aye?
Hi Ladybeams–
Things are going well with me and the children. Life is calm (to a point) except for the times the passive aggressive appears and rears his ugly head. I am here for a reason today and am hoping that maybe you can shed some light for me.
As you know I did a lot of reading on this disorder and it is still a hard thing for me to deal with. I still have a difficult time understanding it but I cope and I try hard. My mistake over and over is that I want the ex to be somebody he is not. That somebody is just a decent human being that cares for his son and puts his son’s needs before his own and etc. I know this will never happen and I do my best to never get my hopes up.
So here is the dilemma. I want to go overseas to teach and take my children. Of course, I have to have a passport for the younger one. That would require his cooperation in getting the passport. So after our regular divorce with the U.S. courts there is a formality with the Islamic community. I have had to obtain an Islamic divorce. No biggie, just something I chose to do to be right with God. Anyway, he went and visited the Imam (pastor) and said he would sign the divorce papers and would also let me take my son overseas if I go. I found this out after the fact, meaning I called the Imam today to confirm my ex had shown up and to find out what had transpired. The Imam said they talked for 2 hours and he agreed to let the little one go.
I have learned that whatever comes out of my ex’s mouth is hardly ever the truth. Last night I called and talked to him. He stated he stood around for the Imam and never signed the papers because the Imam was so busy with so many other people. Well I had driven by the place to make sure he went. He did and his car and the Imam’s car were the ONLY cars in the lot. I then brought up the subject of letting me take the little one with me overseas and he totally denied it. Completely said no he won’t let him go and if I want to go I will need to sign custody over to him. He also said the Imam never talked to him about the issue with our son going overseas.
My issue is this…why did he contradict the Imam like that? Was he trying to get me to agree to signing custody over? Was he just trying to drive me crazy and make me go totally nuts? I had to tell him several times that he didn’t have to yell and I stayed calm the whole time (yes something I learned your supposed to do with them). In the end I was not and never got flustered. Did not fight with him and when he would cut me off…I let him do so and did not remind him that he was interrupting. Wow…I SOOOOOOOO handled that properly. Anyway…can you shed some light on his “tactic” because I am so genuinely confused?????
Sami- That is terrific that the Imam was able to get some co-operation out of your ex. Personally, I probably would have let it go at that, gotten the papers together for him to sign, etc. I don’t think I would have called him to discuss it. Once you get a yes, go with it. Don’t give him a chance to weasel out of anything, which you know he will if there is an opportunity.
I would say that he is “fishing”. He said all that to you to feel you out, to find out how strong you are, to scare you a little. I am so proud of you for remaining calm and standing your ground. That is why he kept getting more upset, because until you lose it, he knows he’s not in control. Go Girl! LOL. I think I would have the papers you want him to sign drawn up and set up an appointment at the Imam’s office for him to sign them. Of course, as I’m sure you know, have an extra copy for your ex to take with him. I think to save face, he should show up and sign like he said he would.
Good luck My Dear. It sounds like you and your children have a wonderful experience ahead of you.
I too think the idea of having the papers delivered to the Imam is BRILLIANT! You are learning – effectively- how to do the ‘disconnected dance’ with your PA. It is HEALTHY for you- CONGRATS!
Do NOT warn him that is what you are doing-I’d do things in this order;
1- deliver a set of ready to be signed papers to the Imam.
2- ask the IMAM to call him (he’ll answer the phone, he’ll put on his ‘best boy’ behavior, he’ll be held accountable by a third party) and set up the appt to have them signed.
3- have the Imam keep the signed copy for you to retrieve at a later time.
GOOD LUCK!!!
Well, all went somewhat okay at the divorce. He did show up and he did sign but funny thing, and I was SO laughing inside (a little shocked) like “ahaa I knew it!”…he faltered when he was telling me he was divorcing me and I could see it in his face. OMG! What a fool. This man had too much pride in the last 11 months to admit he cheated, was wrong and loves me enough to want me. I don’t feel sorry for him. I too, in my life, have made mistakes. Only difference is if I’m wrong I’m “man” enough to admit it and move on. He can’t even do that. I knew that whole bottle of cologne, nice clothes and flaunting of material items had a purpose. Thing is…I make more, have more and don’t really care what little he has.
One thing that made me angry at the divorce situation was the discussion of me moving overseas and taking the little one. He does not want that (of course) because that would benefit me and his own son. But every time I would talk, he would interrupt me with very loud talking and I couldn’t ever finish. I kept saying calmly “let me finish and you keep interrupting and would you please listen”. Finally the Imam turned to me crossed his arms and said “please say what you have to say” because he heard what I was saying and realized I was being mowed over. Wow…I have come a long way baby. (hahaha) He also spent a majority of the meeting texting on his phone!!! God…what a child. I left my phone in my purse and even left the children at home. I was there on adult business…he showed up for playtime. (as I smack my hand to my forehead)
The only thing left is I am barred from moving anywhere. I will have to petition the court to move to CA because my mom wants me to move back home. I think it would be good for all of us since I have been gone for 16 years. I am in school to become a teacher and there are some opportunities there. I think I will have to give time for the ex to disappear. People keep saying that is what he is going to do. As bad as it sounds…I hope for that. He moved (only to a different apt-same complex) but has not told the court, atty general or me officially. Court order requires both of us to inform the other. He has made one child support payment (but still behind and another coming up) and claims to want to see the child, knew on Nov. 1 the divorce was final and has seen the boy for 40 minutes since Nov. 1 and I had to remind him of that. What do you think? I know they can go either way, but knowing all this your conjecture would be interesting to know.
I am so grateful for your site. It gives me a place to go to help with all this and for people who totally understand what I went/go through with this PA.
Just FYI–today was his day again to show and nothing. So this weekend is his weekend AND it’s the holiday so he could take him technically until Dec. 28th. But since the no show last night. He won’t be coming and I know this. Thank goodness I learned with the older one NEVER tell your child your ex is going to show. When they do great and that way when they don’t…you don’t let the child down.
Here is another reason why he won’t pick him up. I’ve know this man for 7 years. All those years he worked nights and slept days. Nothing changed when I was with him. My son would put a cramp in his schedule. You can’t take care of a rambunctious 4 yr old and sleep during the day and up all night. This is how I know he won’t get him for extended periods of time.
So with all this said and done. I am convinced he will disappear. But I’d still like to hear your thoughts LadyBeams. Thanks.
Hey Sami- Congratulations on getting as far as you did! It doesn’t seem that long ago when you were one of the ones trying to decide what to do about everything. LOL. Good for you, My Friend.
I find it incredible that he has moved into an apartment in the same complex and still doesn’t manage to show up for the little one. LOL. I truly don’t think you’re going to have much to worry about much longer. Like we said, just make sure you document each time he’s supposed to see your son and when he doesn’t show. You should be able to keep any text messages you send him or get from him on your phone, so try to save those. They are excellent proof.
Didn’t you say you are still going to school? If so, then you have some things you need to finish here anyway, so you have a little time. Now that he’s responsible for his own rent etc. it may not take him as long to disappear as you think. LOL. I do want to warn you though. Even if he doesn’t come to see your son like he should, or acts like he could care less, he may try to continually stop you from taking your son anywhere out of spite. Of course it is easier if he disappears because you just have to send papers for court to the last known address, unless he’s retaining his lawyer even after the divorce. He may always let her know where he is just in case you do decide to take him back to court.
Personally, I think from what you’ve told me about him, that he’ll tire of this rather quickly and start moving on. Heck, he was seeing other women when he was with you, he has free reign now. Once he has something (someone) else to distract him, I’m sure he won’t even want to be bothered anymore. Between documenting everything, and if you really want him to disappear, taking him back to court over not paying the child support, he’ll probably be gone in a hurry.
We’re all rooting for you Sami. You got this far, the rest is gravy, so to speak. In the meantime, just save up for the trip, get your stuff all wrapped up that needs to get done, and when you’re free to go, you’ll be all set for an easy transition.
Your answer is as I figured. Even I can see this. He only does this stuff to get back at me. Not because he cares for his son. That is quite obvious. And I didn’t think about the fact that he will have that apartment to provide for and I am sure if he can find a distraction…we are history.
I am pretty much going to sit back and let it all unfold before my eyes. My mom keeps telling me that he will cause enough trouble for himself and I won’t have to do a thing. She’s right and I know this. I have to admit that I still fear being with him because dealing with him you have to “walk on eggshells” so to speak. My fear is not really fear of him…just fear of what he will pull in order to get what he wants and then control me. I hate that and I want to be released from this. Hence the MAIN reason I do not have contact with him. I will not hinder his access to our son. But that does not mean that I have to do all the contacting. At least the court will say he is responsible for that.
I am in school but it is online 100%. That is why I can afford to move here and there. Texas also has a 6 month abandonment law. I’ve been looking at that and will not do anything until summer. One thing I am good at…is being patient enough to do what I need to in order to get myself out of a situation. I have been here a few times before. Remember I knew for a week he was cheating and said nothing before kicking him out and taking our tax money??? I once had a co-worker tell me “you have to be careful of the quiet ones”. She was right.
I just document and document. I had a girl at my son’s daycare say it took her four years of documenting but that dad finally signed his rights over. I will see what happens with child support. There are many things he is not doing that can get him deported and I am not sure he is aware of this. I will make sure the AG knows his address. He doesn’t pay support, hasn’t told US where he lives, hasn’t paid taxes on his under the table job and is not married to me to prove he is still married to his sponsor. So not really sure what will happen to him. He is playing with a governmental fire and we citizens know that you don’t want to be on the government’s radar.
I am hoping it is gravy. I’ve managed to get a lot out of him. I realize that. I was surprised how easy the Islamic divorce went…I am wondering if he has a sweetie on the side. Hmmm. Oh I have so gotten over trying to figure him out. He makes my head hurt. But in the end he doesn’t realize (and the Imam warned him) that if he doesn’t have a relationship with his son…it will bite him in the butt. He has no idea and you know what? He was warned.
Thanks for the continued support and your right I have come a long way since this all started. I remember I just wanted my kids and the house and was worried about that. It turned to something else and something else. I will continue to work on my dreams…I’ve never been thwarted before and I’m loaded with ambition. Take care.
Yay Sami- I’m in your cheering section. You are a smart lady and have patience. Something I never had when I was younger. If you give him enough rope, he’ll hang himself, as they say.
Love to hear how you’re doing. It’s like a “Sami chart” where I just keep seeing the value go up and up! Love it!
Having been seperated from my PA husband for 8 months now the main thing I’ve found is that he’s in the “victim” / “poor me” mode most of the time. Also in the beggining he kept telling me he’d change and he’d learnt his lesson and saying things like “haven’t I been punished enough” lol that phrase makes me laugh cos it’s so PA…basically playing the victim with that and of course making me the nasty villan who was “punishing” him.
The other things that I’ve found is that he did exactly what I thought he’s do after we split up and went in search of another woman. So far within 8 months he’s on his 4th lol.
The great thing is that I’m not in a fog/haze of confused emotions any more and can clearly see exactly what he’s doing ( most of the time…he does get the better of me occassionally as I have dropped my guard a few times) so it’s much much easier to deal with now.
On a personal level the hardest thing for me has been learning to accept what I went through for what it was which was a form of emotional abuse and also understand why I didn’t recognise it sooner. Funnily enough I can accept him for what he is and forgive him ( would never ever have him back though) but I am still coming to terms with my part/role in this. That bit has been harder for me than leaving him. However as hard as it can be sometimes it’s this blog and reading others comments on here that are helping me to come to terms with how I ended up in a relationship that was so unhealthy, emotionally damaging and clearly unfullfilling for me for at least 8 of the 12 yrs we were together.
One things for certain… getting him out of my life has been the best thing I’ve ever done and there’s no going back now.
I have done it! I have moved my husband out! I am a single parent with two boys, 7 and 4 1/2. After reading books on PA, single parenting, after trying to make my marriage work, after crying for years, and sucking back another block of life on anti-depressants, I put my big girls pants on and muscled up….I have no regrets. I feel sane again, happy, I’m singing again, i’m making new friends, I am no longer a victim…whew/….what a ride. Thanks to this website for all the information…it has saved me from drowning…I nearly did…. luckily for me swimming is more my style…thanks ladybeams. MWHA
One year ago I met a boy and I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me too. And from the very first day we met we are togheter. But it was a problem. His ex-girlfriend is the most passive aggressive person I ever heard (because I didn’t meet her). She is harassing us all the time and makes me feel like I am the worst person because I took the love of him away.
I must say that my boyfriend was very unhappy in his previous relationship and he could not love her anymore, because he was abused. He told me that she was complaining about everything in her life and she was always the victim, like she is now, and I feel sorry for her and I feel so bad because I am the new “disaster” in her life. I feel like I never felt before, I have lower self esteem and I am thinking I am a bad person. I talked to my boyfriend and I was ready to breack up with him if he wants to make up with his ex, but he dosen’t want to hear about this. He loves me. And above all, we are the negative characters from the story, and I really feel bad, because all my life I wanted to help people.
She made me think that my boyfriend is a bad person who cannot love and respect a woman, and I was scared of him, because I thought if he didn’t respect her, he would not respect me either, and yes …. I thought it was his fault that he didn’t understand her and he made her suffer.
There are many more to say but I will limit of these.
I love life and I love people but now I am confused and I am scared of people, because if one human being could be like this, maybe there are many more out there. I was thinking that something was not normal, but all the time I thought it was my fault. Now when I am reading all the stories I am more calm. And gues what : I am happy. Please respond to me and to my case. Thank you!!!! And thank you for all you doing!
Three months have passed since our split. My PA husband left without a fight, never once tried to get me back, to talk or anything, it has been a kick in the guts, 10 years of marriage, two children, three years of no sex, no communication or intimacy of any kind and not a word. Interestingly enough he has started dating a friend (not anymore) of mine, and there are flowers, I love yous, she is going all over town saying he is the love of her life, and that has devastated me. How could he make me wait for so long and then appear to be giving it to someone else….He has broken my heart….once again. I was so relieved when he left, I did not expect to care. But it turns out I do and have more healing to go. Its not fair, but with love and friends and my boys and most of all God, I will heal. Better things are in store – they must be!
Why do we care!