How Does Someone Become Passive Aggressive?

a child

Isn't It So Sad?

How does someone become passive aggressive? Anyone who is involved with a passive aggressive has had to ask that question, among the many others, like “how can I help” or “how can I fix it” or “what in the Sam Hell did I do wrong?” “How do I cope with this?”

I am here to tell you I saw a prime example of how the men we love end up being the men we hate.

I had to take my mother to the hospital lab today to get some blood drawn. I thought we went at a time that there would be relatively few people. I forgot how many people are out of work these days and obviously are taking the time to make up all their blood work from the past. LOL. Anyway, this place was packed.

In the crowd I spied a young woman with two young boys, one I would say is probably about a year and a half, the other maybe 3 or 4. The oldest child was very good at entertaining himself, no gadgets, no reading a story to, he was extremely well behaved for such an environment and such a long wait. The young woman was with a man, who as I watched was not her husband but was evidently her father (now a-days you never know). He was holding the younger child who was going in to get his regular childhood “shots”.

In the time that I observed them, I would say that the older child 1) reached for the mother’s hand and was totally rejected. She completely withdrew her hand 2) He had begged for her attention after she had been holding the younger sibling and she rejected him a second time. She put on this “play” (like you would see in a theater)like she was too tired now. The child gave up, almost like he was used to this ploy.

A little while later, as the line progressed and we were moving closer to the front, the little boy went over to some strangers in the front of the line ahead of the grandpa. That caught her attention. She apologized to the people from the chair she was seated in, for her son disturbing them, and then called her son over by acting so sweet and clapping her hands for him.

He was on to her game! I watched as this darling little boy looked over at her, and proceeded to totally ignore her and keep his stance in line. You wonder where passive aggressive behavior comes from? It starts Here! This child at 4, maybe 5 years old is learning the passive aggressive game. Who is he learning it from? From at least one of his parents! This absolutely darling child that any one with any feeling would have wrapped up in a minute in your arms, was learning at the age of 4 how to be passive aggressive.

I hope this young mother learns “more better” before her children get to old.

It’s amazing where you find passive aggressiveness once you learn how to spot it. Feel free to leave your stories of what you’ve seen. When you see something like this, it’s a little easier to understand. Maybe not easier to live with, but easier to understand. LOL

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10 Responses

  1. I can bet that you wanted to sit that mother down someplace and try to make her see what she’s doing to that child. I wish with all my heart that I could knock on Dale’s mom’s door and say, “Can we talk? You need to find your son and try to repair what you’ve done”.

    • Marilyn- I would have loved to ask her why? Why when he reached for her hand she was doing that. It was so evident that it was an act of cruelty. Not one you might call in Child’s Protective Services, but cruelty just the same.

      Thank you for your comment. You know I always appreciate your input.

  2. Before it’s too late. Before he commits suicide because he can’t maintain a relationship with anyone…can’t believe anybody could really love him….can’t find any self esteem, can’t let himself love ANYONE!

    • Marilyn- No, it’s before “he makes someone else want to commit suicide”. It’s usually us more than them that wants out so bad that we may go to any lengths.

      (Don’t try this at home! Maybe extremely dangerous to your health! Write us and look for the answer in the morning).

  3. I feel very strongly that our culture plays a big part in passive aggressive behavior because of our mind-set that it isn’t “manly” to display emotion so we start laying this concept on our sons when they are very young. Consequently they become emotionally unavailable and unable to connect to anyone who can meet their needs as adults. It’s no accident that most PA’s are males.

    • Marilyn- I agree with you, and if you think our culture is like that, imagine how it is for Asians, which is what this little adorable family was.

      • My husband has a Japanese mother. (She’s 83 now, and she spent the first 29 years of her life in Japan).

        I used to think I couldn’t get through to her because of a language barrier – her English is terrible – but I finally realized she’s just like her son. I can’t get through to him, either. Neither one of them will say what they mean, and they don’t mean what they say.

        I also finally figured out that he’s an only child because his mom cut his dad off sexually. When his dad finally had an affair, she threatened to take my husband back to Japan with her. So, she continued to refuse him sex, but made sure he “behaved” under threat of losing his son.

        I got chills when I heard that, because of course my husband has cut me off sexually for years, while pretending he’s “working on it” by seeing doctors and so forth.

        I finally quit asking him for sex as I am no longer interested in someone who has deliberately tormented me all these years while letting me think it was medical.

        I have no intention of spending the rest of my life with someone who is simply emotionally unavailable.

        No more Asians for me, either.

        • This helps my cortex wake up. I just left PA 4 year run. Totally emotionally unavailable. With also NO emotional Intellagence….It took about 3 years to figure it out. Led into torture. So was time to leave like a good squaw peacefully. But months of prep work to outwit outsmart outplay. I finally have a normal BM. No W because this master of destruction destroyed my car. Took him 2 1/2 years as primary driver with no DL. I am reborn now…..

  4. How insightful. Thanks, I think I have a better understanding of how it originated. What a selfish woman

  5. After 11 years of marriage I to a PA I am wondering if it is common for narcissistic parents to foster passive aggressive tendencies in their child…that certainly seems to be the case in the situation I am living through. Narcissists can’t love others truly or meet the child’s and so never knowing love the child grows up very passive aggressive. If I had just known all of this BEFORE the marriage and kids.

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