Leaving A Passive Aggressive Relationship

Sometimes no matter how much we love(d) our passive aggressive spouses or partners, there comes a time when we can’t or won’t take anymore and it’s just time to go. We start thinking about leaving our passive aggressive relationship. For many of you it’s taken many years to come to this conclusion. I remember when I was quite young and my parents split up after 18 yrs. I swore to myself at that time I would never stay in a relationship I wasn’t happy in. My first 2 marriages only lasted a year and a half each. LOL. (That’s what happens when you get married way too young and for stupid reasons). Life is just to short to waste the time. Of course now, I’m not terribly unhappy, but I wouldn’t say it’s like wedded bliss either. I think I’m too distracted with other things right now to care one way or the other, which isn’t too good on my part either. As I’ve gotten a lot older I’ve mellowed quite a bit and probably slipped into just being comfortable for now.

Like you all, I surf the web quite a bit looking for information to help me understand more about the passive aggressive, and to help me help you. After reading so many comments here from people that have just had it up to their eyeballs, I came across a site that was offering a free book. It looked like it could be extremely useful for any one that’s thinking about leaving the passive aggressive relationship their in. So I downloaded it and read it. For only being about 21 pages, I think it says quite a lot. In fact I thought it was good enough to pass on to you.

leaving a passive aggressive bookcover

Sorry the picture is so small.

This book was written by Nora Femenia, Ph.D and President & CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions in Florida. She has some excellent sites on the subject and an excellent blog. (Links to 2 of her sites are in my sidebar on the right, as well as the link here). I have received her permission to give this book away to my readers for free to anyone who wants it. All you have to do is right-click the link, choose “save as” or “save link” or something similar to that depending on your browser, and download the e-book. It has been scanned by my security for viruses, etc. and is perfectly safe. I don’t do any tricky stuff to acquire info on you or anything. I’m not techie enough even if I wanted to. LOL. It is in .pdf (Adobe) format, so you will need Adobe reader on your computer, but most of them come with it so it shouldn’t be a problem for you. If you have any problems, let me know.

She has a few different books for sale on her site, plus if you buy one you get 2 more e-books and a coaching session with her as a bonus. Usually the coaching session alone costs a small fortune by anyone doing that kind of thing. Thank you again Nora for your generosity. I am not an affiliate, and I get no compensation for this. I just thought it might be helpful to some of you. Here’s the link.

LeavingARelationship

Don’t forget to take a look at the updated recommended reading list also. Man, I’ve been a busy Ladybeams! LOL.

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7 Responses

  1. I am so relieved to have some information that confirms I am not crazy. I have been married to a PA for almost 14 years. It has been 2 years since the diagnosis of PA, however long before that I knew something was terribly wrong. I always felt something was wrong with me. It has been a nightmare! I hate the thought of having to leave my home to get away but I have tried other ways it doesnt work. I even quit the business I started because I just needed to get away from him. He puts on a great show in front of people, so sharing whats gone on has not been something I can do. I have 2 children with him and am very concerned, but I am getting out. 2 years ago I filed for a divorce I should of kept going, but yeah he made me a ton of promises, cried and everything. Wow, the manipulation! And of course its been much worse since. He acts so nice and concerned even to the counselor but he does NONE of the things that the counselor tells him. I am beyond caring! So “thank you” for the book and all. If you have any input please feel free.

    • Hi Leah- Welcome and thanks for sharing part of your story. How lucky you are that you actually have a diagnosis. It’s so hard to get a therapist to acknowledge Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder anymore.

      So he knows the counselor knows, but the counselor still falls for his being ever so nice? What does he/she say about your hubby not doing any of his homework?

      It’s amazing to me how you talk about all he did to get you not to go through with the divorce (because that’s what they do) and then they think because you relented, they have you over a barrel and it’s like they take it as a sign of weakness. The passive aggressive then thinks they can just get you back, treat you any way they like, any time they want.

      I too had to leave my home to finally bring a relationship to an end. Every time we had split before, the kids and I stayed in the house and he would go on a binge or go stay with his mother, etc. Then he would come back home and walk in the front door as if he owned the place and I couldn’t get rid of him. I finally had to pack the kids and leave. He kept the house for about another month then lost in foreclosure, stripped it out and left. Thank God he had made me sign a quit claim deed to get my children’s things out, so I wasn’t held responsible.

      All I can say, is if you’re planning to leave you’ve at least had a dry run once before on what all he’s liable to pull to manipulate the situation. Just be prepared for him to be a little more aggressive when he realizes this time you’re gone for good.

      Feel free to share anytime here. If you have the time and the inclination, you might read some of the comments from Peggy and from jmarie. They have a lot of good advice and a lot of helpful thoughts on getting through everything.

      • Sorry it has been so long. My computer had some problems and just now able to come on. I was so happy to see your reply, and what a relief. someone who understands. It was actually me who found the dianosis through prayer and research then brought it to the counselors attention. But he defeinitely has snowed the I counselor. I was amazed how you said your husband came right back in the home like he owns it. I have dealt with that over and over. I actually left the business I started to get away from here. I did not tell you the worse part, my daughter from a previous marriage was killed and my son paralyzed in a auto accident, I was seriously injured we were hit head-on by a drunk driver. I cannot begin to tell you the hell I dealt with through that. My son spent 6 months in the hospital. My husband manipulates him horribly. It is so hard to see him use the PA behavior on my son. That is what has made this so much harder to get out, the children have been through so much. Sometimes I feel so guilty. But I know I am so dying emotionally, spiritually and I cannot die. My children need me. I have no finances at this point to get out, but I have been working to change that. I am praying for a miracle, I really do not want to leave mine and the childrens home. But if that is what I have to do, I will. I just pray at the end of the day for God’s justice. Thank You so much please reply anytime. I will read their comments.

        • Leah- Sorry it’s taken me so long, but I’m dealing with a little of my own sh** here. LOl.

          Thank you for sharing so much more of your story. You have been through so much already, it must be terribly hard to pull up the bootstraps to try again. If your PA spouse is already starting to manipulate your children, you need to protect them. I know what it’s like to not have the money to move, etc. but don’t you have family or anyone that might help? It really doesn’t take that long to get back on your feet. I feel that you still have your faith. Rely on it. Talk to God and trust him. He will look out for you. I know that must sound funny after all you have been through, but he has not forsaken you.

          Didn’t you get some sort of settlement from the drunk driver’s insurance, or anything you can count on to help you? I would never expect you to leave without your children because you are not the only one that is suffering. If you can’t do anything else, make sure and communicate with your children. Educate them. Try and stay close to them before they figure he is their role model. Start teaching them now that the problem is not with them, but with their father and the way he manipulates things and people.

          Again, I am so sorry for the hell you’re going through, that it took so long for a response, but we’re here with you. Hopefully I won’t be the only one to respond, but maybe some of the others who have kids and got out! Drop by anytime.

  2. Leah- I want to give you a sliver of hope; I literally – just today – said to a friend “I cannot believe I felt like money was a reasonable reason to hold me in that marriage.” I’m three years post-divorce and I cannot even think like I did three years ago in regards to finances. First off, I am literally BETTER financially than I have EVER been (passive aggressives don’t ‘quit’ with emotions-they selectively share information about financial situations too… are you SEEING every bill and every income/expenditure??? If you are not, be certain that you are only seeing the portions the PA wants to reveal). If you are in charge of your own cash flow, then you do have power to squirrel away a month or two of apartment expenses. I’m also going to be bold and assume that there may be some insurance or SSI money from the accident? Bottom line – make the choice to stay or get out- both have actions that show the choice. I’m not advocating one or the other (I’m screamed myself hoarse too many times trying to encourage those-not-ready to jump the shark). I can only tell you this -every single fear I had did and didn’t come true. The fears that did come true (not feeling validated, having to co-parent with a non-adult) were going to come to fruition in or out of a shared house. Every fear I had about being divorced and living apart… smoke and mirrors…. easy? Hell no! Easy compared to ‘staying’- HELL YES x 1000.

    If you are not in charge of your own finances, you don’t really know if you can or cannot afford to be on your own.

    P.

    • You are absolutely right about finances. There was money from the accident, during the time I was caring for my son, he said he “worked made money” at that time I was doing the finances. He gave small portions of his money. I had to use savings to pay mortage etc… during that time. I kept telling him he needed to make real money (which he is capable of doing) and yes he held back and lied about the money he made. This was before I knew that I was dealing with a “passive-agressive”. I felt very trapped because my situation was so intense. My son was very sick, basically they sent him home to die. He needed a liver transplant. But Thanks to God he has came through all of it. Graduated high school and just moved out on his own. He does great, he was recently scouted to play wheelchair basketball for the Olympics representing the USA. All of this passive agressive stufff came out after he was to a point where I could focus on what I was really dealing with in my marriage. I knew something has been wrong for a long time. I am working on my finances right now. So many people thinks he is the greatest and that I am so blessed. Even my own parents, but I KNOW now I just have to stand I know the truth. He goes out of his way to impress them. I just do not know how to explain PA. In your first post you said” his getting back at me from filing for a divoce would be worse” you are absolutely right x100. But I know everything is going to be ok. I KNOW I am getting out and really appreciate this site so much. I do not feel so alone. Thank You!

      • Leah- I obviously answered your last inquiry before seeing this one. God Bless Peggy! She has such good advice and has been through it.

        I don’t know how to explain PA either, really. We’ve moved and I have a girlfriend right down the street. She sees everything, but she doesn’t really get it. She is really helping me as far as getting rid of my PA is concerned though. LOL.

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