I always thought depression was completely debilitating. When I was quite young, my mother had a couple of “breakdowns” and she would just lay in bed, staring out to space. I can remember standing beside her big queen sized bed, trying to talk to her and her never blinking, never doing anything that gave a sign she ever heard me or even knew I was there. My father would come in and usher me out saying my mom needed to rest. That’s what I thought depression was.
I never knew it could basically sneak up on you. I never realized you could be depressed without really knowing it. I was thinking I was feeling lazy or fatigued because I’ve gained so much weight, or not getting enough sleep. Of course these things are contributing factors, but these are symptoms. I cry at the drop of a hat lately. I thought I was just more sensitive or emotional in my old age. I’ve always been a sap for movies, cards or anything else that evoked emotion. It’s just gotten to be more often and less controllable is all.
Lately I have really been missing the loving interaction that usually takes place between a man and a woman who supposedly love each other. Being with a passive aggressive boyfriend I’ve been used to not having that, as anyone who has been in a relationship with a passive aggressive partner knows they withhold love and affection as a means of punishment and manipulation. For years I have been able to ignore it and not let it effect me much, but I’m afraid lately I’ve been losing the battle.
I hear a certain song on the radio and I can actually “feel” what it use to feel like to feel like the song says. Does that make sense? The song says “I can’t wait to get you home, watch your black dress hit the floor” and I start to feel the excitement of when you’re in love and can’t wait to be close to each other, skin touching skin. It makes me sad to think those days may be over, even though I know I’m partly responsible. When he started withholding sex and affection, I pulled back also. I wonder sometimes if he ever feels the same way. All I can think of as I write that is “Well he started it!” How childish is that. LOL.
The last 2 or 3 weeks when I go to church Sunday mornings, all I seem to do through the whole service is cry. It’s exhausting! It’s also very relieving. It’s like when I was young and would cry and my father would just hold me, comforting me, letting me feel loved and like everything would be okay. My father’s been passed on for years, so I can’t go there anymore. Until this started happening, I had no clue. I know I’ve been stressed because of the situation we’re in, but depressed? Me? Noooooo.
After falling apart at church today, I decided two things. One is that depression is probably a lot more common than we think it is. It actually is a “side effect” of living and loving someone who is passive aggressive. The second thing I decided is now that I know it’s there, I better get a handle on it so it doesn’t destroy me. For tonight, I’m going to allow myself to feel it, accept it, and then tomorrow I’ll get over it. I’ll share with you how tomorrow. For starters “things always look better in the morning”.
Any suggestions?
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, Depression, mental health, passive aggressive, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive spouse, self esteem Tagged: | coping with a passive aggressive, coping with passive aggressive behavior, Depression, hidden feelings, living with a passive aggressive, mental health, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, sanity, side effects of passive aggression, withholding sex
I find that organizing my things gets me out of a black mood. Something as simple getting rid of the used kleenex in my purse and putting stuff back into my makeup bag. If I am super depressed I put on my headset to some great music and just clean. The tunes enter my soul and do their up lifting and I can clean by rote. After all you really don;t have to think while dusting or scrubbing you hands just do the work. Before you know it one area of your life is in order and it makes the rest seem bearable. Hope this helps.
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Realizing you are living with a PA is half the battle. The other half is realizing things will never change, get better or allow you to find the intimacy you so desire within. These people cannot give, just take. After 32 yrs. of marriage, I left. The thought of another possible 20 yrs. of this was too painful. Remarkably since he left, I’ve become a new person. Sure there are up & downs days, but my life is finally going in the right direction…..opposite of what is was. Bless you!
Debbie- Thank you so much for your input, and from all my research I would have to agree. For the most part a passive aggressive never recognizes or admits they have anything to do with what’s wrong in a relationship. If they never admit it, they don’t have to fix it.
It sounds like you made the right choice for you. I’m so happy for you and glad you have put up these words of encouragement for others. Drop in anytime.
I keep being told a suitable antidote for depression is to ‘learn something new’. Maybe get hold of a book on drawing, and go out of the house to sketch? Yesterday I was feeling a bit down, and bought a couple of books from Amazon. They were books I’ve been meaning to get for ages, so I don’t feel guilty about them. I know what you mean — I’ve always felt I’m not a sufferer from depression, as I usually still manage to enjoy life… but at times I feel really tired and down, and the net result is the same.
Hey Diddums! So good to hear from you. Thanks for stopping by and for your input.
I think that’s a great idea. Learning something new definitely moves your mind in a different direction. Another thing I was always told to do was to volunteer. I used to do this alot when I was young, not as a course of getting out of depression but as a natural course of action, and I loved it! I always felt so fortunate afterward. It’s like if you’re stressed over bills, etc. and you go volunteer in a soup kitchen. You learn in a real hurry all you have to be grateful for.
This is where I am currently at. I have actually lost weight, as I never really feel like eating. I am not sleeping, either. It takes all the energy I can muster to get out of the house at all. I feel better when I do, but it feels short lived. I pretty much live my days, including the weekends, the same. I get up, usher a kid or two to school, make food for them, change diapers, do laundry, pick up toys, cook dinner, usher kids to sports practices, watch my husband on his computer working or browsing the net, then go to bed. Everyday.
Tonight I am going to meet up with a friend I have not seen in a while for a drink. Usually when I plan something like this, it winds up getting canceled because someone gets sick, or a schedule conflict with husband’s work, or he will make me feel so guilty for doing something for ME, that I bail. Last week I drove 2 hours to see a friend and visit with my old office (that holds most of the positive memories of my adult life outside of kids/family/marriage). I had the entire day to myself, but instead of making the most of it, I drove back home, spending more time in the car than actually outside of it, because I felt guilty for being gone. I came back home to a messy house, husband on the computer and nothing had changed. It made me sad. The next night, my husband left overnight to visit a friend 45 minutes away. He feels entitled to it, no guilt. Why can’t I feel like that? I am losing who I am, all of those things I used to enjoy. I rarely see people and when I do, the fun feeling never lasts very long, so I will go a long time before making plans to get out again. This just sucks.
Freaking Out- Oh Sweetheart, I totally understand how you feel. We were not meant to get into marriage to go off and do things by ourselves, but this situation is different, and if you don’t learn to get over the guilt, you’ll go crazy instead. Not really a better alternative. And really, does he make you feel guilty, or you just do a pretty good job all on your own?
When I met my PA, he was very social, or so I thought, and a lot of fun. Now that we’ve been together for (quite) awhile, I can’t drag him out. I too used to feel guilty, and I still do when I first leave, etc. but I don’t let it stop me. They make the choices they make, and we need to do what’s good for us. Like you say, you came back home and everything was just how you left it, and he (if he was still on the computer) probably barely knew you were gone. Sometimes we do more damage to ourselves than they do. Why? Because we’re really well trained. LOL. You said he went out over nite. I would be waiting at the door and “throwing a fit” doesn’t even describe how I would be acting. How can you let him get away with that? Aren’t you a “pretty good person” (cuz none of us are perfect)? Don’t you behave when you go out (I mean your not sleeping somewhere else, right?)? So don’t you deserve to be treated with respect? As long as you continue to be the martyr and then let him treat you like you are, that’s all you’re going to get.
If you feel guilty when you go out, then turn the radio on in the car and start singing to your favorite tunes so you don’t hear that voice in your head. When you’re out with friends, live in the moment like you may never see them again (of course this part comes from an “older lady” whose friends are dropping like flies. LOL). If it makes you feel so much better to be out with your friends, and let them be sort of your support system, then do it. (Just don’t drink (too much)and drive). I used to think all this stuff about taking care of yourself first was crap, and selfish, until I heard if you aren’t happy yourself how can you make anyone happy around you? and it works! You have a lot more tolerance, a lot more strength.
You need to just remember what you used to like to do, what fun you had with the people that you were (are) friends with, and start recapturing some of that. If he tries to make you feel guilty just tell him you did nothing wrong and you refuse to accept any guilt. He’ll quit. Once he knows it’s not working on you anymore, he won’t do it anymore.
And get into a support group, or find a good therapist. It always helps to have someone validate our feelings that it’s not us that’s a little “off”.
Good luck, and I hope we hear from you again. Let us know if any of this helps at all, or if you discover something that worked for you really well, please share. LOL
[...] To this day, I have yet to see a story where women actually benefit from this behavior. Women who undercut and insult other women in order to gain jobs, popularity, or even just an ego boost, rarely find themselves happy in their lives. In fact, this article right here suggests that passive aggressive behavior has the side effect of de… [...]