I talk here quite a bit about my passive aggressive BF and how his passive aggressiveness as a parent has affected his youngest son. I also talk about my son and his passive aggressive behaviors. I’m so used to dealing with our two youngest boys and generalizing the passive aggressive parenting effects on them, but today I saw a search for “passive aggressive fathers and the effects on daughters” that it caught my attention.
I never thought as I was talking about the boys, about the parenting being gender specific. As I think about it girls and boys are different anyhow (duh), it only stands to reason they would handle parenting styles differently. Think about your siblings. They most likely didn’t turn out exactly like you.
I know what it did to my oldest daughter. It made her “needy” and very hard to let go of a relationship, even when it’s toxic. When she was little, my ex would treat her cold and exclude her every time he was mad at me. He would not be direct about it with her and she did not understand what was happening. I would “fix” it but the initial hurt I’m sure never left her. Now she’s always afraid of being “left”.
My own father, while a bit narcissistic, was also a bit passive aggressive. He had been a marine for 20 yrs., was raised by a marine, and called everyone “sir” and “ma’am” till the day he died. I’m sure he was never allowed to express his anger, emotions openly. I never thought about him being passive aggressive before, but he was great at making snide remarks and then acting so surprised and sorry if you were hurt. I just got used to the nicknames for being over weight or when he would tell me how lousy I sang. I didn’t realize at the time what an easy target it made me for anyone needing to conquer someone with less self-esteem and confidence than they had.
What about you? I’d be curious to know if you grew up with a passive aggressive father and you’re a daughter, (sons may join in too, but please specify you’re a son) how did it affect you? Are there things you do in your relationships now that are caused from how you were treated by your father as a kid? Has it caused pain in your life, or were you able to fight it? Just leave comments below. It’ll be interesting to see how many ways this has an effect on us.
Filed under: abuse, causes, coping, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive families, passive aggressive parent, psychology, self esteem | Tagged: abuse, behaviour problems, causes of personality disorders, covert abuse, hidden feelings, mental health, passive aggressive boyfriend, passive aggressive parenting, passive aggressive relationships, passive aggressive spouse, sanity
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I don’t really have a handle on what being passive-aggressive is, so I wouldn’t go so far as to say that anybody I know is that way. I know how hard it is to let go of a relationship, even a toxic one… but I put that down to myself being unable to grasp how someone can know a person and yet push him/her aside. Perhaps I’m a believer in loyalty… but that does get you into trouble when you’re trying to maintain a friendship that isn’t good for you. It’s a coincidence you mention toxic friendships, as I was just writing about that myself!
Diddums- Thank you so much for stopping by. I enjoyed your post about friendships over on your blog.
You’re lucky if you don’t have anyone passive aggressive in your life. They are a hard lot to live with. There’s nothing wrong with loyalty, although it can be painful to find out other people don’t seem to hold it in such high esteem. That has always been my daughters problem is they are very, very loyal. It just crushes them to find out their friends are not as loyal to them. Relationships can be so complicated! LOL.
I was raised by the opposite of a passive aggressive parent. my dad never shut up…and i guess i’m a little like him…we just can’t seem to let things go and wind up ranting at times just to make a point. And, as I’m reading more about passive aggressives, I have learned that this is probably the reason my husband married me. As one of the articles said the P-A man looks for someone over-bearing..a “witch on wheels”…i guess that’s me. My husband has all the trademarks of PAPD, and I’ve known it for a long time. But, recently I’ve started to worry about how it would affect my daughters. He never says no. They dictate orders to him and he runs around trying to please them with his tail between his legs. And then, out of the blue he FREAKS out (yelling, throwing things) over some stupid little thing like a pair of pants on the floor. Completely mis-directed anger. What is this teaching them?? Are they going to try to find a man that they can boss around and over-look the occasional freak-outs? The thought of my babies winding up in the same situation I’m in with this relationship is very sad. I am constantly debating whether they’d be better off of we were divorced…maybe those of you raised by a PA parent could lend some insight!
Good Morning, livvymar, Happy Sunday!
Welcome and thanks for your input.
To tell you the truth, it’s hard to tell if your daughters will look for a man who is submissive like their father (we all have a tendency to fall for men who resemble our fathers) or if they will be attracted to someone who is totally opposite. Then there are the ones that sneak up on us (like in my case) that we don’t realize how much like our father the man we’ve chosen is, until we’re with them over a period of a little time. It’s hard to tell what a child will retain when they are older. I know I’ve thought about that with my own childhood and how some of the most non-sequential things influenced me, and some things my mother thought would have cut me to the core, I don’t even remember.
My passive aggressive BF is very similar to your husband. He would never say anything no matter what was going on. Then after a 12 pack of beer every once in awhile, he would burst out at the kids very inapproptiately. I felt bad when he finally did speak up because I would have to tell him to be quiet. If he was going to say something, he needed to do it prior to the 12 pack. The kids would see right threw it and know it was just the beer talking. They don’t have any respect for that.
Do you say anything to your husband when your daughters have him jumping? Or do you mention to your daughters that they need to be more respectful of their father? When he freaks out, do you calmly point out that what he’s throwing a fit over is so small and ask him what is really bothering him? You might also ask him in a heart-to-heart how he feels about the way the daughters treat him, or why he gives in as he does. The main thing here is to remain very calm if you want him to open up to you. Maybe start out with how bad you feel that your daughters asked him to…
Those are all places you can start. When he has those freak-outs I think I would just emphasize to the girls that that isn’t the proper way to handle things and that it most likely has nothing to do with the real issue. Expressing how important communication is may help counteract some of the influence a passive aggressive has.
As for a divorce, is that what you want? If you are that unhappy and that is what you really want to do, and you don’t see any hope for your marriage, than by all means that is probably what you should do. If you still love this man and want to work on working things out, then I would say just be open and communicative with your girls so you can counteract what he may be teaching them by his behavior. How do they feel about being able to boss their father around, or when he freaks out?
Good luck and feel free to stop in anytime and let us know how things are going. I hope this has helped a little. Unfortunately some of your decisions are big ones and nobody can really help you make them, but at least you can talk your way through it here. Sometimes that’s all we need.
I have never really thought about it til today but my father is very passive aggressive. Which has led me to be once passive aggressive myself and now dating a guy who is (in my opinion) strongly passive aggressive.
My father is still married to my mother but they do not sleep in the same room and have not for years now, and this was his choice. My mom, acts as if she is fine with it. He has never said I love you and has always seemed closed and cold. The same goes toward my mother. Nobody talks about their feelings in a healthy way except me and that is only sometimes. This behavior has caused me alot of inner anger toward him and my mother. But at the same time I feel he is a good father because he is always there when I need him for things like fixing my car or picking me up if ever I need a ride, whatever the case may be. So in my mind I would always be torn, be upset because he would be cold but then not upset because he would do kind favors.
All I know is it has caused me to be the same, I dated a guy for 5 years and he was amazing to me. Treated me like a queen, gave me all the attention in the world. Still gets me choked up talking about him. But yet I look back and I was nothing but passive aggressive to him. I would with hold sex from him for long periods of time, I would always manipulate him into making him feel guilty when in reality it was me just being unhappy. He was always to nice to put me in my place so its almost like he fed the behavior and it became worse. I eventually broke up with him and am now dating a guy that has my last relationship switched. He is the passive aggressive and I feed his behavior. He is a worse case then me though. He manipulates me to make me feel as if everything is my fault. He procrastinates on anything asked of him, he sulks when to many demands are put on him, he is extremely moody, can be secretive, and some how he always makes me feel like the choices he makes are things that convienence him if that makes sense.
Genevra- Hi and welcome. Thanks for sharing your story.
It seems like you’re well aware of what passive aggressive behavior is and how it works in a relationship. It’s great that you recognize these tendencies in yourself. You can fix it in yourself. Your new relationship probably not so much. Since you are aware of what it is and what it looks and acts like, I’m rather surprised that you would choose to stay in a relationship like you’re in. While I do get it that your probably in your “comfort zone” because that’s what you grew up in, you surely don’t want to end up like your parents do you? And what if you choose to have children some day?
Maybe it would be good to give other relationships a break right now, and concentrate on loving and fixing yourself. Then once you fix yourself, you can find a happy, healthy relationship. You know, even though sometimes we sabotage a good thing for us because it’s not what we’re used to, it’s up to us to break the cycle so we don’t pass it on. Have you sought out any therapy or group support? It really helps. They say we end up picking men who remind us of our fathers. I would not have agreed with that at the beginning, but the longer I’m with my BF the more true that is, even if it was subconciously. You have to remember, you’ve had better before, and you deserve to be treated better and have true happiness now. You don’t have to settle for less.
Good luck and please, stop in and let us know how you’re doing. Sometimes it just feels good to get it off your chest. LOL