If you are going nuts after 2 1/2 yrs. with this man, where do you think you’ll be in 5 yrs.? Do you really want to live this way? As long as you are with him, you will never be able to feel secure. I’m sure you see the pattern, reel you in with the kind words, etc. then hang you out to dry once he’s gotten back in your good graces. This is how it will always be unless you stop it. Only you can either get away from him completely, or if you insist on staying, start setting boundries on how he treats you. If you don’t have a therapist, you should try to find one that will give you the support and strength you need.

While he very well may love you, he doesn’t want to love or need you in anyway, and he will just keep fighting it. These people have serious trust issues and cannot allow themselves become dependent on anyone else for anything. If he’s driving you crazy and making you second guess yourself now, think of how it’s going to be after several years of this. You need to surround yourself with positive friends, join a support group, find a therapist, what ever you can do to help support yourself in a positive way before he destroys you. Sometimes we have to let go of even people we love very much when they are toxic to our well being. It’s not easy, but it’s a must do.

Hopefully you’ll get some other replies and also as you look through the site find some helpful ideas for maintaining your sanity. Lol. Feel free to write anytime. Even just venting can help relieve some of the stress.

I have a question. Does PA men really loves us , need and want to be with us?

I met him 2 and a half years ago. I am 36 yrs and he is 50yrs now.
He made me love him. I told him I was not looking for a realtionship when I met him . With his PA manupilation (back then i thought he was being real) he had told me …..he wanted me to love him and be with him forever. He feels empty without me, He wanted me to be all his….. so with his confidence in those words about long term relationship…. I allowed myself to be emotionally attached to him cuz he had all the quality I like about a men and thought I was ready for a long term relashionship as well ………..

2 and half years passed……. too late? or still early enough….??? I am sooooooo deeply in love with him………. but he is completely PA now ( I mean he has been PA, I just did not know about it because I thought I had been wrong)……

I am not afraid to confront to him anything….. but it does not change or help us. or i might be possibly making it worse …..

Weird thing is I feel a weird connection “love” and he will not let me leave him… still does his favorate ignoring me all the time, no affection, no intimicy, no date, , lying all the time,,, not making sense……. when I metion leaving him because of all this,,,, he pulls me right back to feeling we are together….

I tried to leave him many times, even told him “DO NOT CONTACT ME ANYMORE” …………. but he keeps coming back as if I am the very being crazy one and out of my mind…. and MEAN PERSON, DRAMA QUEEN !!
And he would always say, stuff like……”" I don’t want us to end this way. I love you and want to be with you , we should live together (we still live separate because I want to be sure) it will all solve the problem,,,”"” …. he wants me to understand him more and support him…………. all the PA excuses you can imagine… you know …..
I am just going in circles,,,, try to leave him and he pulls me right back like a little chiwawa dog on leash……. He make me feel like I am his pet always loves him unconditionally and intensely, and would still survive if he forget to feed for a few days….

But I am not receiving my supports back from him , if I say that then he would say…
“Oh,,, its always about you. you dont care about me”….

My question again is,
Does he as PA, really love me and want to be with m e? Does he really need me in his life like he says? what is me affecting his life when he does not even shows any desires for me anymore…
He acts like he should be alone to avoid all the things he does not like about me or relationship with anyone……

I love him very much, and I can stand now especially after learning PAPD syndrome….., but when he tells me “He loves me” and what if that is actually a part of PAPD syndrome lie….???? very confusing…

please someone give me an answer

I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you’re taking advantage of some of the reading material (much of it free) here on the site. Please stop by and let us know how you’re doing. It’s good to hear you’re at peace. It’s a good sign.

Your last 2 lines are the answer: surviving and then spotting those same tendencies in the future so we never fall into that trap again. Congratulations on being able to get past it. We’d all love to hear how you did it, I’m sure.

Please feel free to share your story or comment anytime.

isn’t it great to be
at least a little bit more free
in a place where everybody understands
the you and the me we

thought we were to blame
full of anger and shame
just ball breaking controllers
merely female in name

but ladybeams with her insight
I bet helps us all to sleep at night
we don’t feel so alone anymore
and it’s alright

for us to acknowledge our pain
and not to remain
unless we want to in these situations
which f*** with our brains

so we’ll share and we’ll laugh and get mad
and we’re gonna be lost and be pissed and feel sad
cause we wanna but one day we will find some serious peace of mind
and who knows we just might end being glad

that it’s finally done.

peace,
i love ya’ll
CeCe
( a 5-year relationship survivor who can recognize passive aggressive tendencies in potential beaus and stop the madness before it starts)

You know, I don’t know why they want to hurt us like they do. I think it’s a natural reaction after so many years of using these little tactics to “get even”. I don’t think theythink about what they are doing and the impact it will have. We are just on the bottom of a long list they have been using this behavior on for a very long time. The difference is that we actually care enough about them to notice it, and in return it hurts our feelings. In their past they actually got away with it because the people that caused it never realized what was going on. Now for many of the passive aggressives it’s just been too long to change.

I totally understand what you said about him being gone. It’s like for a short time, there’s a certain peace that you can feel. It’s like when my late husband and I used to drive over to our vacation house. He used to say when we hit a certain part of the ride (the part that flattened out at the top of the hill) that he could feel all the tension leave his body and a whole different feeling of lightheartedness would come over him. I totally get that.

I hope you are taking care of yourself and spending time with good friends who are supportive, or even if you don’t share what you’re going through, are at least fun and give you a little time to laugh and “back up your batteries”. It’s very important now that you take care of you first, then your marriage. If you’re not at full speed you won’t have the energy you need to support yourself. Also it’s a little “revenge” of our own. When we’re well rested and taking care of ourselves, we’re not so easily manipulated and controlled which makes them think twice about their tactics. A good therapist or support group where you live works really well also. If you don’t have insurance or you can’t afford it, look into your city or county mental health center. It’s amazing how much better it feels to be able to unload somewhere, even here. LOL

Stop by anytime. Let us know how it’s going. I feel sorry for your MIL if she’s been putting up with this too. What was his father like? She’s very lucky to have you. I’m sure you put a little of the love she’s missing in her life also.

It’s these little things that really set me off. The big things just pile up and then he does little mean crappy things to me and it breaks me down. But “he didn’t mean it” or “he didn’t see me”. Why does he want to hurt me, but then won’t admit it, and turns it around into me hurting him for thinking that he wants to hurt me. It drives me insane! So I spent all of dinner trying not to cry in front of his Mom. But, she knows. He does it to her too.

He is going out of town for work this week. I am happy he’s leaving. It’s like a vacation for me when he’s gone. He doesn’t travel very often, but when he does, it’s nice. I used to miss him terribly when he travelled. Now, it’s not much different than when he’s here. Except I don’t have to feel that heavy, emotional, walk-on-eggshells, feeling that I get when he’s here.

I’m sorry to hear after such a long marriage with your late husband, and one in which it must have been successful to a certain extent or it wouldn’t have lasted so long, that you found yourself in the “PA trap”. It’s a shame you didn’t know more about the subject when he first let you know he was diagnosed with passive aggressive disorder. You could have ran. LOL.

I’m also sorry to hear that he would rather lose you than have to do something about his problem, but for a PA that’s really not unusual. I’m not sure which is worse, the ones that refuse to see the light and take responsibility, or the ones that pretend to want to change, go to therapy but never follow the advice. They both cause a terrible hurt.

I’m glad to hear you’re resisting him for your own good. Be sure and visit the link in the right hand side bar titled “Getting Past Your Past”. It’s an excellent site for recovery.

Feel free to stop by anytime and share what’s happening with you or comment. We are or have been there, and hopefully our discussions help someone else going through similar circumstances.