My Favorite Passive Aggressive’s Days Off…

I love the BF’s days off. He always gives me so much material for my blog. LOL.

For instance, today the weather has really HOT. He no sooner tells me it’s a lot cooler in here in the house than it is out in the garage. I better leave everything closed up. He walks out the kitchen door and leaves it wide open. Games of the passive aggressive.

Yesterday the heatwave began. We had a nice talk the last couple of days about how hot it was supposed to get each day as it builds to the ultimate 100 degrees on Thurs. It has become my job to mention every other week that the front yard needs to be done. It’s his job of course, to put off doing it until right before I go crazy. I know how this works. Sure enough, the BF waits until around 2:30, 3 o’clock in the hottest part of the afternoon to mow the yard. He comes in dramatically waiting for the sympathy about being out in the heat mowing the yard. When he decides he’s not getting enough attention, he wipes the sweat from his brow and says “It’s sure hot out there.”

My response. “We’ve been talking for days about how hot it was supposed to get and about getting stuff done early to avoid getting caught in the heat. I don’t know why you insist on waiting until the hottest part of the day to go out there.”

End of discussion. Now we have moved into the “okay I’ll kiss you goodbye, etc. because that’s what we do, but I’m going to kiss you like I would kiss my mother or sister” phase. The light peck on the lips is sooo light, I don’t know why we put forth any effort at all. Just to change it up a little, if he’s not close to me, we just skip the kiss.

He’ll be able to go on a sulk like this for days. Sulking is one of the most common weapons of the passive aggressive. If you bite and ask if something’s wrong, the answer will most likely, always be no. With my BF it doesn’t do any good to prod. It just ends up upsetting me, and he feels better for not talking. So for now we’ll just live as distant relatives in the same house.

Games Of The Passive Aggressive…

Tonite we’re playing “How dark will it get before Ladybeams asks for light?” This game we play quite often. Passive aggressives don’t tire of their kind of entertainment very easitly. This game is when BF sits in the almost complete dark, lamp right next to him, waiting until I suggest he turn on a light. When I’m blogging or working on the computer I face out a window, so I at least have daylight for awhile. I’m not sure when he got a clue that when it gets dusk I like to start turning on lights. Damn me! I hate it when I give stuff like that away. We’ve been playing this game for a few months now.

I don’t know why it pisses me off so bad, except I figure he should be smart enough to know it’s getting dark, and to turn on the light next to him. I have on several occassions to save my own sanity, gone ahead and turned on the light myself before he gets home from work. Tonite he beat me home. As I write about this I thought it would help calm me down. Venting. No, it hasn’t. I will turn to him pretty soon and ask him if it’s dark enough for him yet.

This game runs right along side of the one, “let’s see how low we can keep the volume on the TV until you can’t take anymore”. I don’t particularly like that game either. When we met he warned me he doesn’t hear very well. All of a sudden, he didn’t need any volume on the TV. I would ask him “Can you hear that?”

“Oh I’m sorry. Do you need me to turn it up?”

Now I just grab the remote and turn it up myself, and I don’t give it back. He doesn’t play that game quite so often anymore.

Is it Passive Aggression or Communication?

My daughter has informed me she has been told by co-workers that she is passive aggressive. As her mother of course, I feel like this is my fault. From what I understand, she has a habit of leaving notes at work (she is a manager of a restaurant) and has been told this is passive aggressive behavior. I on the other hand taught her growing up, if she had a problem relationship and could not talk to someone without it turning into a yelling match with no one listening, then she should write a letter to express her point of views more succinctly in order to get her point understood. That way any points that may have been misunderstood in the “heat of the moment” may be set right by better communication.

She does not like conflict if she can help it in any way, except when it comes to me. LOL. (Which is why she dislikes it so much with anyone else). I’ll take the blame for that. What has shocked me is the offense people take to you writing a note, even if it’s done politely.  The whole time my kids were growing up I would tell them something several times, and then leave notes as a reminder.

“Empty the dryer vent before you turn on the dryer”

“If you need things for school tomorrow, don’t wait until I am leaving for work tonite to tell me”, you know the stuff.

Now I have my mother and my kids are old enough to drink coffee. I have to leave a note over the coffee pot reminding them and my passive aggressive BF not to make a 3rd pot of coffee with the same coffee filter. The child psychologists say that’s a good thing to do vs. yelling at them all the time. If you ask over and over to no avail, why not leave a note? No getting all upset because once again you have to say the same thing. It’s there in black and white. Easy.

The last time we were at our home on the coast, before we had to sell it, our neighbor once again had taken advantage of our absense, and moved his excess plants, etc. into our carport and yard. I had a “for sale” sign up in the yard and told him on previous occasions we were trying to sell. I asked him nicely not to leave his mess in our yard.  The last time we stayed there for the weekend, I tried and tried to catch him, but it seemed like he was never home. Finally on Sunday when we were getting ready to leave, I left a polite note on his door. I signed it and even put my telephone number on it. Big mistake! He called up yelling at me for leaving a note instead of talking to him face to face. I explained that I had tried to catch him all weekend, but our schedules obviously didn’t coincide. It had nothing to do with not wanting to face him or I wouldn’t have left a phone number.

What is a person supposed to do? It’s not that I am afraid of confrontation. I’m actually pretty good at it even if it’s not always to my benefit. How can people be so upset over a little note? On occassions where the subject is not open to discussion, couldn’t it be a more effective form of communication. Does that make me Passive Aggressive?

A Way To Cope With A Passive Aggressive Spouse

I’ve read a lot of stories on the web of what people are going through, living in a passive aggressive relationship, and I consider myself quite lucky actually. My particular PA isn’t too bad when it comes to angry outbursts, or actually blaming me out loud for anything particular. It’s quite the “status quo” relationship. For me at this time in my life, it’s okay. I’m older. I have many life changes going on, and I have some messes to clean up from my last business. I’m busy. I don’t know what will happen when all that’s done, but for now…

There are a lot of people out there living with a passive aggressive spouse that aren’t so lucky. Their hearts have been breaking for years. They have gone from independence to co-dependent, from strong to begging to be loved, from confident to feeling not worthy. People living with passive aggressive spouses are often confused, not realizing what they’re dealing with, thinking it may be all their own fault. Many people living with passive aggressive spouses still love their spouses so much, even tho they’re terribly unhappy, they can’t bring themselves to give up on the marriage and leave.

As I read through these heart wrenching stories of the failed marriage counseling, the failed tries at communication, and the failed tries at intimacy, it occurred to me that living with a passive aggressive partner is a lot like living with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are good at mental abuse. Yes I realize a lot are also good at physical abuse, but I’m just talking about the similarities to passive aggressive behavior.

The alcoholic goes and gets drunk, feels guilty, comes home and starts some kind of fight to feel better about himself, and make you feel bad. When he sobers up, he says how sorry he is (sincerely), says what an idiot he is, and asks you to forgive him. You feel sorry for him because he obviously feels so bad. You forgive him, he’s manipulated you, you’ve enabled him, and so it goes until the next time. (Unless you’ve already been through that so many times it doesn’t work anymore, but until then, this is usually how it goes). Sound familiar?

Voila! Al-Anon. Al-anon is an organization for helping sober people cope with Alcoholic spouses. When I attended Al-anon many years ago while married to an alcoholic husband, they were teaching men/women how to live their lives with their spouses, but without them. Let me explain.

It was supporting spouses of Alcoholics to pursue their own interests, to unwrap their world from around someone else. To regain their independence and realize they didn’t have to feel guilty over what the spouse did and the spouses behavior. I haven’t really seen many support groups for spouses of Passive Aggressives, especially since Doctors don’t even classify it as a personality disorder anymore.  This seems like the almost perfect first step to getting the support we all need so badly to get our lives back to some sort of sanity. For me, I started emotionally backing up (detaching) a while ago. If you feel like you just couldn’t stand being without him/her, maybe this would be a good starting point. It’s like group therapy with coping skills.

Can People Be Passive Aggressive In Their Sleep?

You bet, and I have proof. In case you haven’t read the first page, my BF and I have been together for almost 9 yrs. If you don’t know a lot about passive aggressives, they’re pretty good on withholding sex, using it as another little “get even” tactic.

The people “in the know” give a couple of reasons for this. Passive Aggressives  don’t want to get attached to you. They don’t know how to be intimite. As they feel they may be getting dependent on you, they need to keep their distance. They do that by withholding sex.  I’m sorry to say, between life getting in the way and menopause, I have accepted that.

That’s all a story for another time. Let it just suffice to say that we go to bed to sleep. That has become quite the adventure.

Since we first got together, of course being the perfect passive aggressive he is, he warned me he snored. Me, being the open book that I am, told him that was fine. I snored also. I even gave him instructions in case my snoring bothered him. “Just give me a nudge and tell me to turn over. I’m really easy, and I’ll probably never wake up.”

A few months ago I wake up in the middle of the night to “God da** it!” Which woke me right up out of a sound sleep. (You see, we don’t use that in this house, and I’ve been trying to break him). Evidently I was a little restless in my sleep and he wasn’t happy.

A few nites later, it happened again. That night it pissed me off, so we had a bit of a ”discussion” right then and there. The next day I started working on moving out of the bedroom. I didn’t make it very far as there isn’t really anywhere else to go in this house comfortably. There again, he appears as the perfect mate. He thought the whole idea of us sleeping in twin beds or my moving to the other room was ridiculous. Did he ever fix the bed so I don’t roll to his side in the nite? No. Did he put the other frame under the bed that has a middle bar to hold up the sagging? No.

His new thing is not wearing anything to bed. The weather’s been nice so I leave the back door open for air, so he pulls all the covers to his side. Now when I go to bed every nite, usually after him, I pull the sheets etc. back over to where it belongs. This is our new nite time ritual. Between him cussing me awake in the middle of the nite, and doing this, I guess I don’t mind it the new way.

If you are putting up with this kind of constant tug-of-war in your house, and I don’t mean just the covers, you may want to consider another way of life with another partner. I put up with it because it’s convenient for me right now. If you don’t know what you’re dealing with, it can do a lot of damage to your self-esteem and confidence. There’s a lot of info on the internet. Take advantage of it. Feel free to leave your comments or experiences. We’re not alone.

 

Is Passive Aggressive Behaviour Catching?

I don’t know that it’s “catching” in the clinical sense, but it is definitely catching in the “self defense” or “get even” sense. Between my BF and my mother, (we’re the caregivers) I have developed a little passive aggressiveness myself. I’ve been with the BF nine yrs. and had my mother for eight. You start to learn what works and what doesn’t, if you decide to stick it out. (I must say that if I was younger, I probably wouldn’t).

There are many theories on how to handle passive-aggressives, and at one point or another, I’ve probably tried them all. I have learned getting angry usually has more of an effect on me than on them, so I try not to do that very often. If I get totally upset with the BF, he reacts perfectly. He looks so rejected, hangs his head, says “What an idiot I am” two or three times, and then I’m the one who feels bad. It’s the perfect manipulation!

Another theory is to call them out on their behavior. I have gotten pretty good at that one, but alas, it doesn’t work all of the time. I’ve done that quite often and the reaction I have come to expect is “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that.” Does the behavior change? Usually not. 

An example is anytime my kids come in our room either to talk to me, get the telephone, or use the computer. The reaction is always one of complete annoyance. The children are not hurting anything. Usually not interrupting anything. Does the BF actually say anything? Of course not. Remember, one of the causes of this personality disorder is not being allowed to express themselves as children. When they grow up, I don’t think they really know how. 

For fun, and hopefully to end this because the kids have gotten where they don’t want to talk to him if they can help it, let alone ask him for anything, I asked him “What about them asking for the phone (example) got you so upset?”

Reaction: “What? What are you talking about?”

I’ve had to do this one a few times, but it’s finally making a difference. Now if my daughter is at the computer or in the room talking to me when he comes in, he hesitates at the door for a second, (not too long because he doesn’t want me to address him), and then completes whatever it was he came in for. The kids have said he’s gotten nicer. I think it’s a combination of them getting older and him hiding his feelings better.

I never claimed to have the cure, just a way to make it easier to live with.

This Was Too Good To Pass Up

Okay, so the BF’s days off are Tues. and Wed. I use at least one of those days as my day off of cooking. He loves to cook. Great combination. While I’m cooking I do what ever dishes are there and get them in the dishwasher. He is worse than a kid. He, I guess, has decided he doesn’t do dishes anymore, so he hides them. You read that right. He hides them.

Tonite while cooking dinner, I went to finish up dishes that have been left during the day. (Shouldn’t happen, but we all know it does). I move a platter that was soaking and what do I find? A stack of  plates that are stacked vs. put in the dishwasher. This is one of the ways he gets even. Instead of just telling me, either:

He doesn’t want to cook, or the kitchen wasn’t clean enough when he started.

His answer to doing pots and pans is leaving the food in them, putting the lid on them, and letting me think they are empty or rinsed out. I can’t tell you how fast magots catch on to the fact that food is still in those pots, but it ’s FAST! It didn’t take me too long to catch on to that trick. LOL. I think it was when I told him the next time I opened a pan to magots he was going to clean the mess, that he went from that to hiding dirty dishes on the left side of the sink.

 

A Typical Day In The Life…

According to Medline Plus Medical Encyclopedia, the definition of Passive-Aggressive Behavior is:

“Passive-aggressive personality disorder is a chronic condition in which a person seems to passively comply with the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them, in the process becoming increasingly hostile and angry.

Psychiatrists no longer recognize this condition as an official diagnosis. However, the symptoms are problematic to many people and may be helped by professional attention.”

Today and Tomorrow are the BF’s days off. I know when you work all week, you don’t feel like doing housework or yard work on your days off, but they’re necessary evils. For us especially, as the City has been on our butts to the tune of $1700 in fines for the front yard. When we first got a warning citation from the City because someone called and complained, all I was going to do was cover it with plastic and throw bark all over it. My BF, being the perfectionist he can be, decided he was going to landscape it. That started in June 2007. It is now April 2008.

What he’s done looks beautiful, even if I did have to get angry to get it done. Dealing with a passive-aggressive, this is not always the best way to go. It worked one week when I just asked him “When did you decide in your head that it was okay to wrack up all these fines we can’t afford?”

I thought he would at least mow last week, but he never got close. He pruned bushes and palm trees all around the back yard instead. Now don’t get me wrong, they needed it desperately, but first priority has to be the front. Today I didn’t take any chances. I mentioned it early, reminded him of the City jerks, and told him if he would mow, I would water and then weed. I figured it I offered to help, it would take some of the sting away, plus I get some sunshine and exercise. We agreed it would be easier to weed after I watered.

It’s now 3pm. He has done quite a bit of weeding already, and just finished mowing. I don’t think he would have mowed yet, except I asked him why he was weeding when we both agreed it’d be easier after water. One of the things I learned in my reading is when this behavior is apparent, to call him on it. When I do, he obviously doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t say anything. If I mention that I’m sorry I made him angry, he acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about.

This is just the kind of subtle sabotage that happens all the time. It’s as though because I mentioned mowing first in order to do the rest, that was the one thing he basically just refused to do.