Random Thoughts (About the Passive Aggressive) For the New Year

In the midst of trying to find a new place to live by the end of this month, I haven’t been writing much, but do come through and approve the comments so they can be seen, and thank you all so much for the help you give each other.

My oldest daughter was up for a visit after the holiday. We were talking about the passive aggressive boyfriend when she asked me “Don’t you think you’re a little passive aggressive also?”

I said “I’m sure I am to a certain extent. It rubs off on you, you know”. LOL

Thinking about moving, normally I would think this would be a great time for the passive aggressive and I to part ways. Unfortunately, due to finances we will be going together. I have been asking all along how he felt about where to move to and couldn’t get anything out of him. I finally told him I thought we would move closer to my kids (8 hours away) since he doesn’t keep in touch with his kids (2 hours away) anyway. That finally got an opinion out of him. Supposedly he really loves where we are, and we should look here first.

If anyone doesn’t know from my writing, or my answers to some of the comments, I am a Christian. (I try to get better at it all the time. LOL). My passive aggressive and I have been “living together” for 11 yrs. Since all we are is platonic roommates, are we still “living in sin”? Question for my Pastor I guess.

Rereading the book “The Power of Positive Thinking” these days. Like many of you I found myself in a rather deep depression with very defeatist thoughts. It’s time to lift my spirit back up to where it belongs, remind myself of all I’m capable of.

Thinking of moving this blog. WordPress is very restrictive on what it will and will not allow. I’m thinking about just buying my blog name in a domain name and moving it to a different server. Then people would just type in the name of the blog without the “wordpress” .com. What do you think? I know I would lose some people, which I would hate, but it would be a rather slow transition so people would know where we moved to to continue the conversation.

So how is your New Year starting out? Anyone make any life changing desicions? We have a whole clean slate out ahead of us. Let’s see what we can make of it!

Judge Judy’s Favorite New Words: Passive Aggressive

Hi at long last to everyone. Sorry to have been away so long. I think I’ve basically been holding my own ‘pity-party’ for awhile and just didn’t feel like talking. It’s not like all the passive aggressives just went out of my life, LOL, just been rather isolated and dealing with a new set of problems. But I’m here now, have approved all the comments so they could be seen. Deleted some 1653 spam entries (holy cow!), and am ready to move on.

I love watching ‘The People’s Court’ and ‘Judge Judy’ on TV. Even though Judy can be a real witch, I like her no-nonsense approach to the law. Same with Judge Milian, “the hottest judge on television” LOL.

I would have to disagree with one of Judy’s favorite sayings is “that if it doesn’t make sense, it probably isn’t true”. Well, she obviously hasn’t lived a life like mine, because my saying is more like “truth is stranger than fiction. I can’t make this stuff up!”

Lately, on Judge Judy’s new court cases (she does have a lot of re-runs), I’ve noticed her describing some of her plaintiffs/defendants attitudes as ‘passive aggressive‘. It’s like she has just discovered it. She must have said that to at least 3 different people in the cases she handled last week.

Of course, every time I hear it, the hair on the back of my neck goes up. Maybe for all the years people have been tossing the words around, knowledge of it is going to make it into the mainstream. Passive aggressiveness has always been treated sort of like people that are mentally abused in any way, like it’s all made up. I believe it is because people are uneducated. Unless people have been there themselves, there is no way they can understand.

I got such a kick out of Judge Judy’s favorite new words being ‘passive aggressive’ I just had to share. LOL.

The Passive Aggressive As Caregiver

I got a new taste of what it’s like to be in a relationship with a passive aggressive last week. The passive aggressive as a caregiver. Considering how lacking in relationship skills most passive aggressives are, doesn’t this sound interesting? LOL.

I am full caregiver for my 80 yr. old mother and partial caregiver to my 80 yr. old neighbor. Last week my back completely gave out, and the passive aggressive boyfriend had to take over. Except for forcing myself through the pain to go to the bathroom, I was totally bedridden for three and a half days. On the fourth, I started making myself walk a little, as I had read if you rest too long you actually put yourself in a worse position as far as weakness, than you were in to start with. Not only that, but I really needed to be back on my feet.

I have to say that if it weren’t for my PA boyfriend, I don’t know what we would have done. Luckily, one day he didn’t have any work scheduled, and then the next 2 days he called in as we were in no shape to be left alone.

He did quite well. He took care of my mother’s and my needs, basically, checked in on my girlfriend a couple of times a day, did the grocery shopping and cooked delicious dinners while I was down. Believe me, between the 2 older ladies and me, he was kept hoppin’, but God Bless him. He did it. LOL.

A passive aggressive just cannot help but let some of that passive aggressive behavior out somewhere when he/she is doing something they resent. They just can’t. When I have to be to any kind of meeting, etc. and the passive aggressive boyfriend has to serve my mother a meal, once she is served he never goes back unless she calls for him. He doesn’t check on her to see if she needs anything. He doesn’t get her dishes and bring them out to the kitchen.

One of the ways I get my mother to get up and sit in her chair instead of laying in bed all of the time, is to bribe her with a cigarette. You would think with all her time in hospitals where she couldn’t smoke, she would have quit for good, but not her. LOL. (C’mon, she’s 80. How much more damage can 3 cigs a day do to her? It’s one of the few pleasures she has left). When the PA boyfriend gives her her cigarette, he lets her just sit at the side of her bed, which really doesn’t do her any good. I’ve let him know that she needs the exercise of getting up and down in her chair, but I guess he figures he won’t have to take care of her, so who cares? So she had almost a week of him caring for her where she never had to get up. Thank goodness we’re back on track now.

The other thing is the toilet. We have warred over who will put on the new roll of toilet paper, whether he puts down the seat or I put it up, etc. (At one time the war got so bad when his son was here about leaving the seat up, between the two of them I just started putting it up after I was done each time. LOL) When I hurt my back so bad, the last thing I could do was bend over without feeling like I was going to break in half. The passive aggressive boyfriend’s new thing was to not only put the toilet seat down, but the lid also. There was no way I could bend over to lift it. I screamed for him over and over. I even said once or twice about not getting him to put the toilet seat down most of the time, now I couldn’t get him to leave the lid up! Sure enough, the first morning I was actually getting close to normal, he left the seat up.

They just can’t help themselves, I’m telling ya! LOL. All in all, I would have to say he was quite good, and having a passive aggressive as a caregiver I’m sure could have been a lot worse. I just think I would rather not have that experience again.

Are 40 Million Americans Passive Aggressive?

Thanks to LayoutSparks.com

Are 40 million Americans passive aggressive? I couldn’t help but wonder when I ran across an article on AOL. It stated that according to a Ph.D based in San Diego, (who just happened to find the Cambridge Center for Behavioral Studies in Beverly, Mass.), that 10 to 20% of marriages in the US are “sexless”. We really aren’t alone! LOL. He also figures that may be an ‘under estimate’, as people are embarrassed or ashamed to admit they aren’t having frequent or satisfying sex.

Now, to be fair, they are calling a sexless marriage a marriage where the couples are having sex only once a month or 10 times per year (or no sex). Sounds to me like some of us could tell them what a real sexless marriage is. Another Ph.D who is a practicing family and marriage counselor says that 5 to 7 percent of the people she sees are perfectly happy in their sexless marriages. The only way I can see that people would be “happy” in a sexless marriage is:

1. if it is a person who never really liked sex anyway, or
2. if it was someone who has just gotten so used to it they don’t care anymore.
3. if they are so old and have been together for so long, they’re just ‘done’. I’m not even sure of that one as I take care of 2 old ladies in their 80′s that are horny as can be. LOL.

Of course, I’m no doctor, and I’m sure that some people have matching low libidos, but the cases I know about are ones where one person desperately would give almost anything to feel desired and have sex, while the other in the couple is a passive aggressive.

I hope any of you who may be seeing a therapist are honest about where you stand. A psychology professor once said this:

When sex is good, it’s 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. “The key is to understand what’s good and bad,” he says. Good means that each person’s sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at least one person’s needs are not being met.

If everyone agrees that due to low libido, children, aging, that not having sex is okay, at least temporarily, that’s one thing. Having a passive aggressive spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend that “withholds sex” is totally something else. I would give almost anything to know how many of these people are passive aggressive, but since the psychological community doesn’t recognize that anymore (LOL), I guess we’ll never know.

Dr. Epstein, the PH.D that is behind the study has 2 websites set up if you want to see where you stand. I always love this kind of stuff, and if you’re on the fence if you should or stay, this may be very interesting. LOL. The first site is ‘Are You Ready For Love? The second site is “Are We Good Together?” If you click on ‘continue’ it will ask for your e-mail, etc. as a sign up so you can come back and do it again. As far as I can tell, it looks very private.

Have fun. Let me know if you do it and what you find out. I haven’t done it yet as I don’t have time right now, but you can bet I will. LOL

It’s NOT us, It’s The Passive Aggressive…

I’m making this short, because I’m in a hurry. I’ll be back with more on “withholding sex” but for now…

I was in the ‘behind the scenes’ answering comments when I came upon a discussion about trying to “fix things” and how some people feel like failures. I think that’s a common feeling for most of us. What we need to remember everyone is “THEY FAILED US”. We did not fail because we could not fix them, or because we didn’t love them enough. They failed us because they didn’t know how to be in an emotionally connected and loving relationship. While maybe our marriages, or relationships may have failed, that does not mean we failed. We were essentially “unarmed” for the fight.

Please, as you start to think those kinds of thoughts, and they will try to fill your head, please remember we are, or were ok when we got involved with them, and we can be okay again. They probably never will be.

As If Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders Don’t Exist..

Credit to "thetwentyfirstfloor.com" for illustration

As if Passive Aggressive Personality Disorders don’t exist wasn’t bad enough the last time they revised the DSM handbook (guide for psychiatrists and psychologists called Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), but now they are discussing a new ‘DSM-5‘.

They are discussing turning ‘personality disorders‘ into ‘personality types’ and eliminating another 4 personality disorders. It is already so hard for us to find a therapist that truly understands passive aggression, because it’s not in their DSM-IV. As I have mentioned before, if you’re looking for a therapist to help with a passive aggressive spouse, child, parent, you need to interview the therapist well before you start paying for their time. Many simply will not recognize that the problem actually exists.

Originally they were going to eliminate 5 personality disorders from DSM-5, paranoid, schizoid, histrionic, dependent, and narcissistic. They now have decided to keep ‘narcissistic‘ and eliminate the other 4. This will make it even harder on us, the ones seeking help because many of our passive aggressives overlap categories. Once DSM-5 comes out, the above personality disorders will not even be acknowledged any more.

If you would like to know more, you can visit DSM-5.org If since dealing with your particular passive aggressive you have been exploring the different personality disorders, you may find this very interesting. They also have a section of public comments. Though it is closed for new comments as of June of this year, it is interesting to read what others have to say.

Problem Solving With The Passive Aggressive

Problem solving with the passive aggressive, their answer? Wait long enough someone or something else will take care of it.

I just realized looking at my posting, it seems my life has so gotten in the way that I’ve only been posting about once a month lately, although I have approved comments and made some comments of my own more often than that. I cannot believe how life just passes one by so fast, and so much time I can never get back.

Hear that people? Every day that you spend being miserable is a day you will never get back! Scary thought isn’t it? Especially when you think about the fact that we all have an “expiration date” even if we don’t know when it is. What would you do if the date on the bottom of your foot was, oh let’s say, 9/15/2011 (because we know almost everything is the first, the middle, or the end of the month. LOL)?

Okay, so on with what I was here to talk about. (I am still here, lurking in the shadows, paying attention. Oh, wait a minute, that sounds kind of creepy. LOL)

For those of you who had read my post about “How Deceitful Can A Passive Aggressive Be?” about my passive aggressive boyfriend not telling me for 11 yrs. that he was still married, that problem has been solved.

I wish I could say by him, but that’s not the case. He, in his typical passive aggressive behavior fashion, never did a thing to set things right after I found out the truth. Unfortunately, his wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. He’s at a memorial for her today. I say unfortunately because I actually liked her. I knew her before I knew he and her even knew each other, let alone had been married. I would have gone also, but I have a lady I watch out for that was expected home from the hospital today, and I have my mother here with me, which I could not leave for that extended length of time. One of the reasons they had split was because she had cheated on him, amongst other things. I have since learned a couple of other females he had been very involved with had left also. While anyone who has read my blog for any length of time knows I don’t condone cheating, with “walking in her shoes” I do understand it.

He has told his kids he needs a copy of the death certificate. My curiosity has me wondering what he plans to do with it. I am surprised he even thought enough to do that. As you all know, the passive aggressive doesn’t usually think that far ahead.

Now, where do I stand? Do I want to marry him if he should be dumb enough to ask? The answer would be an obvious “no”. It’s too late now. He should have married me before I put the “I can see you’re very passive aggressive” glasses on. LOL. (The rose-colored ones wore out).

But, at the same time, I’m having a hard time because I’ve been “living in sin” for 11 yrs. At the same time, we don’t have sex, rarely even sleep in the same bed, so is that the same as really “living in sin”? I’ve told him and you how we’re really just roommates. (If you live with someone and you’re not married, I am not against that. I am not judging anyone here. This is my own thing). Who would really be dumb enough to actually marry a passive aggressive when they know that’s what they are? NOT! LOL.

So we go on as we are, until things are situated and he can go his way and I can go mine. Like many of you who feel trapped by finances, etc. I understand completely, but he does know, or at least I’ve told him, once things are taken care of, we’re done. In the meantime he buries his proverbial passive aggressive head in the sand as if everything is just fine.

What worries me is there are a couple of things I have to count on him for, so will he make excuses because he knows that? Or will he try harder hoping to make up for the passive aggressive behavior in the past? So far it’s not looking so good. LOL

The Life And Times With A Passive Aggressive

Remember when you were younger and you were planning out your life? You knew what the guy would be like that you were going to marry. You had the wedding all planned long before you met the groom. If you are a man reading this, you probably didn’t look at girls as “wife material” until a little later in life, like adolescents, or after sports in school, etc. We all had an idea of what we would and would not put up with.

For some of us, some of those things became not quite so important while we traded them for other things that were. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears a tunic top”. “I’ll never put up with a guy that wears his pants around his knees”. You know, silly stuff. Then there were the biggies.

“I’ll never put up with a guy/girl that cheats on me”. “I’d never put up with a guy that doesn’t treat me with a lot of love”. “I want to have 2 or 3 kids. He’s got to want kids”.

You really know your self esteem has taken a hit when all of a sudden you are putting up with things from the passive aggressive spouse or boyfriend that you swore you would never put up with.

Whoever “planned” on running headstrong into a passive aggressive? But here we are. Trust me, I was so strong about what I wanted as a kid, I got fired from a babysitting job because I told a kid she shouldn’t talk to her mother the way she was and my kids would never talk to me that way. The mother took it as I didn’t like her child and never called me to babysit again. LOL.

No one wakes up one morning and says to themselves “I think I’ll go out into the world today and find someone to pretend to love me, take away every bit of self respect I have, and I really would like to spend the rest of my life without sex, because that’s something my grandmother says wasn’t that great anyhow”. LOL. Who does that? but that’s what we’ve got.

I had an experience recently that made me realize my self esteem has taken a hit big time. Luckily, since I was already basically “detached” it wasn’t as upsetting as it could have been.

Peggy, if you’re still around, you asked me not too long ago what a deal breaker would be. I, like many of you, am in the situation I am in with my passive aggressive boyfriend because we are in a bad spot financially. I caught my PA on a porn site, and I couldn’t kick him to the curb that instant because of the situation we’re in.

I did tell him, from that point on, we were nothing more than roommates, that as soon as possible money and car wise, we would get enough money together and he could take the car he drives, and it would be time for us to part company. Of course he said he was sorry. He said it was in a moment of weakness. I actually get that. He’s not getting any at home because he never wants it here, so I get that he’s probably a little horny and “weak”. Not my problem. Not anymore.

I Love A Passive Aggressive BACKFIRE! LOL.

I love a passive aggressive “backfire”. You know, when they do something subtle to irritate us and then it gets them in the end? I have to say it’s really a shame when your life has resorted to such small victories (which mine has), but I love it all the same. LOL.

Last night watching the ball game, the passive aggressive boyfriend says something about the pitcher’s ERA. I said “Now if he could hit” which I’ve heard him say a million times in the last 10+ yrs. He either says that, or if the pitcher is a good hitter, he says “pitchers aren’t supposed to be able to hit” all surprised.

So last night he tells me what I said had nothing to do with what he said and starts explaining to me what the ERA is. I have been watching baseball with him for over 10 yrs. and he always said how he couldn’t believe how “you get it”. Now he acts like I’m an imbecile and he needs to explain.

So, I said I know what an ERA is, if he had said it it would have been fine, but because I said it it “has nothing to do with what he’s talking about”. I gathered my stuff and went to the bedroom to watch TV.

I usually go to be later than he does, so I kept watching what I had started. Our light switch for the 2 lights, one on each side of the bed is on the way into the bedroom.(I know, it’s goofy, but that’s how it is. It’s in the hall.) Normal people would leave the switch on all the time and control the lights by the switch on each one of them. I tried that when we first moved here, but he insisted on trying to control them by the switch, so I gave up.

Last night I had turned the switch on which turned on both lights. That’s how the passive aggressive boyfriend has been using them. When he came to bed, instead of turning the lights out by the switch, he turned off his by the light. Instead of getting up to turn them off at the switch, I turned mine off by the light.

Tonight he went to bed, switched on the switch in the hall, and nothing happened. I watched him switch it off and on a few times before I finally told him why it wasn’t working. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. It’s little, stupid stuff, is why I love when a passive aggressive tactic backfires! LOL.

I need to pay more attention here. I used to write in the mornings when I was fresh and clear, but my mornings have been taken over, so I check in later at night. It took me a few minutes just to get rid of all the spam. Some of it is downright good until I see who is sending it, then I know it’s a ploy. For the rest of you who have been waiting patiently while I approve your comments, thank you so much for your patience, and I am so sorry that it took so long.

God bless you all as I don’t know what I would have done without you all the times I’ve needed to rant or rave and you’re always here for support. Will be better about giving back. Love you.

What Does a Passive Aggressive Do When You Say…

What does a passive aggressive do when you say “I think we are headed in separate directions. We might want to start thinking about going our separate ways”.

Well, I’ll tell you, at least in my case they don’t do much. LOL. I don’t remember what it was that actually got me to that point a couple of weeks ago, but that is what I said. I had had it. I didn’t care what kind of position it put me in. I was done.

The next day things went sort of as usual. A little colder maybe, if that’s possible when you’re living with a passive aggressive, but things didn’t really change. The earth didn’t stop revolving on it’s axis because I had said this, and now 2 weeks later I can’t even remember what brought it about.

What’s funny is that was sort of like throwing “divorce” in someone’s face if you’re married, which we aren’t. I learned through the years that I don’t threaten lightly as it undermines the security of the relationship. When I say we might think about going different ways, and with all the reasons I have for saying that, I can’t believe today I cannot remember why I said it nor can I tell anything is different than it ever was. If you are wanting your passive aggressive to take you seriously, you need to do better than that! No wonder he never hears me!

On a different note, we all know how it is to go without sex when you’re involved with a passive aggressive. The other day on TV it hits the news about these two getting caught having sex at work. The passive aggressive BF says “At work?”

I made a crack about “Yeah, some people actually still enjoy sex, wherever they are”.

I could have bet money because I said that he would make an attempt that night. You know how some people are with their egos.

Sure enough, a little bit into the evening, he hugs me and tells me how ‘special’ I am, how he ‘loves’ me, and what a great person I am. I knew something was off track then. Later that night as he bends down to tell me he’s going to bed, he tells me he’s going to bed naked and I could join him there if I would like to.

OK, so let me get this straight. First I said something that damaged the male ego. Then you started drinking a little earlier than usual. And now by the time you stumble over to kiss me goodnight, I should be anxious to jump into bed with you. I don’t think so.

Needless to say, I stayed up and watched my TV program, which under normal circumstances I would say makes me a bad wife (watching the Good Wife, by the way). As I told him the next morning, had nothing to do with rejecting him. 1) Don’t wait for me to make a crack about sex before having sex with me ever crosses your mind 2) if you have to get that drunk to make love to me, don’t bother.

So, in the meantime, LOL, I like many of you, wait for the perfect time to get out. The time will come. I just don’t want to be like those women that say they have been here 20, 30 years, and hopefully this blog will help those that don’t want to wait as many years as I have.