Sharing Passive Aggressive Holiday Stories

Aftermath of Christmas

I thought sharing passive aggressive holiday stories might be fun, or at the very least, therapeutic.

My kids are home for Christmas and they think I’m a little nuts because they don’t really understand true passive aggression. Of course that’s the passive aggressive’s aim isn’t it, to make everyone think we’re the ones who are nuts? The other night they said I claim everything the passive aggressive BF does is passive aggressive. I told them “Not everything, but pretty close” and then proceeded to point out exactly what had happened Christmas Eve.

The PA BF was pre-cooking some of the veggies for Christmas dinner Christmas Eve day.  (Yeah, he cooks and he cooks really well. LOL) It starts getting around dinner time, the kids are asking when we’re going to eat or what we’re having for dinner. I ask the BF when he thinks he’s going to be done because the natives are getting restless. He says about 10 to 20 minutes. No big deal. I go back to work, the kids go back to visiting with each other and watching some tv.

After about a half hour one of the kids asks if we’re going to start dinner anytime soon. I go out to the kitchen, everything’s turned off and the passive aggressive BF is sitting in our room watching TV. He never even let me know he was done, let alone that he wasn’t cooking dinner. When I say something to him, he says “well if I’m doing it, what am I doing?” Now the funny part of this is he’s the one that went to the store and picked up what we were having for dinner. We had discussed it, he went and got it, and then it’s like there is some big surprise! Then I’m just being a, well, you know. We did make it through Christmas pretty much unscathed.

I changed the poll on the right-hand side today. The results of the last poll were 50% of you said you think of leaving your passive aggressive spouse or partner everyday, 42% said you think about it but are still hoping to work things out, and 8% say you’ll never give up. Now as we get past Christmas, what are your plans for the new year?

I also know that for many of us, the holidays were just the “icing on the cake” so for many of you I have put up a new “gift page”.  I have loaded John Shore’s series of  “Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships” and a book by the people at Creative Conflicts on “Leaving A Passive Aggressive Relationship”.  My sincere thanks to them for letting me share with you and, my gift to you for sharing my life and yours. You can get them at the Free Gift tab on top of the blog.

Any stories you want to share? Any plans for the new year? Feel free to share what’s happening with you in the “leave a comment” section below.

Humor, Holiday Blues, And Passive Aggressives

Ever wish...? LOL

Humor, holiday blues, and living with a passive aggressive husband, wife or child. You have to have a sense of humor, because you get the holiday blues, because of  coping with a passive aggressive spouse. They just seem to go hand in hand, don’t they? LOL.

Whatever you celebrate this time of year, be it Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or many other celebrations I know nothing about, if you’re already having problems in a relationship, there is nothing like this time of year to accentuate it. Between the stress of Christmas shopping, not enough money, normal depression over your relationship, and having to deal with family members, it can all seem like it’s crashing in around you.  So My Dears, I am here with ammunition to fight back! No matter what kind of situation you’re in right now, this can be the time to mark the end of a bad year and a stepping stone into the future of good years. Who says we have to wait for New Year’s Day?

My Tips For Beating the Holiday Blues

1) Don’t fight it! All of us at sometime have just wanted the holidays to be over, kicking and screaming all through the season. It doesn’t seem to work. No matter what we do, we’re still faced with it at some point. So, instead of fighting it, get into it. It’s not about the money and the gifts. It’s about the love and the Spirit.  If you don’t have it, get around people that will share theirs. Remember what it was like as a kid, and if you have bad memories from childhood, then make some new good ones. I know. It all sounds easier said than done right? Who wants to be “merry-making” when you feel like crap? That’s when we need it the most. Go for it.

2) “Sing joyful noise unto the Lord”. This is one of my favorite scriptures and one of my favorite tips. (Just as a side note, I could never understand with this being a well known scripture, why church hymns sound so depressing. I’m so glad they’ve started introducing contemporary music). Anyway, hardly anything will do your heart as much good as music. Whether you’re singing the corny Christmas carols, rocking to your favorite heavy metal, or twanging to a little country, it can’t help but lift you up and help you avoid depression.

3) Humor, once again is another old friend when it comes to managing holiday stress. Many of us find it difficult to laugh at our passive aggressive spouse’s behavior because the resentments and the wounds sometimes go to deep, but you can still laugh at other things. If nothing else go to YouTube and search “funny” or “comedy” movies. Not everyone’s sense of humor is the same, as I found out when I posted the video in my last post and had 2 people “unsubscribe” lol, but there is bound to be a couple on there you would enjoy. The thing that’s nice about YouTube is they’re usually pretty short, so it doesn’t take a lot of time out of your day to get a laugh or two.

4) Be realistic in your expectations. If you’re involved with someone who has a passive aggressive personality disorder, you are never going to get that “perfect Christmas” or holiday. Many of us get the blues and depression during the holidays because we think we’re missing out on something that goes on in “normal people’s lives” and in “normal” families. Just what is “normal” anyway? For us, normal is what we live every day. It’s normal for us. If you’re not happy with it during the rest of the year, you’re not going to be happy about it now.

It’s up to you to change it for you. It’s still magic and now we’re older and probably have a better sense of what  it truly means than we ever did. Make some new traditions, help somewhere where you’re needed by volunteering. Nothing makes you feel better than knowing you did something really good for someone else who really needed the help. Most of all, remember that this is time you will never get back. Let’s make a pact right here that we are not going to allow our passive aggressive spouses, partners, in-laws, co-workers, children, or anyone else spoil it for us, including ourselves.

If you’re depressed, or more angry than usual, feel free to get it out right here, like an emotional dump. Then enjoy how much better you feel and carry that with you. If you have any holiday tips of your own on how you manage the stress of the season, please share them. We can all use the help with our sense of humor, holiday blues, and passive aggressives! LOL.

A Little Passive Aggressive (Scrabble) Humor

While for the most part there isn’t a whole lot funny about passive aggressive behavior, I thought we could all use a little chuckle this morning. Found this on YouTube. I’ve always said one of the most important things in coping with a passive aggressive is to keep your sense of humor. Enjoy =)

Holidays, Passive Aggressives, and Stress

Maybe?

Holidays, passive aggressives, and stress, what a combination, aye? And isn’t it amazing how they just seem to go together? I feel like singing it to the tune from Wizard of Oz that goes “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” LOL. So we’ve got less than 10 days to go until Christmas (if you celebrate). Everyone still in one piece? Now take a deep breath, let it out very slowly, and relax. It may be the only minute you get.

The holidays bring about a stress like no other. It used to be this time of year brought about a little extra kindness from people that may not show it any other time, but this year, and actually last year also, I notice people are just as likely to knock you down as say “hello”. I don’t know if it’s the down economy or what, but God forbid someone actually say “excuse me” without sarcasm.  LOL.

This is also the time of year the little children in us comes out and we still want everything to be perfect. This is the time of year we hope the relative that we haven’t seen since last year and couldn’t stand has had a whole personality make over. It’s also the time of year that we hope our passive aggressive spouses or partners also are going to change, at least for the holidays. That we’re going to laugh and hang lights together. That we’re going to get some of the affection we’ve done without all the rest of the year. That this year he/she finally “gets it” and we get something personal for Christmas instead of a Swiffer or a new tie. LOL.

One of the big things that ads to our holiday stress is our own unrealistic expectations. We see the romantic holiday movies wishing so hard that would be us and everybody lives happily ever after. I’m not saying we can’t hope, but at the same time, don’t allow yourself to get set up for disappointment. This time of year has a way of accentuating the problems that are already there. The only thing we can control is ourselves, and if your partner or spouse has been one way all year, don’t think just because it’s “the season” that things are going to change now. You may be one of the lucky ones and say he/she gets hit with a Christmas miracle, that’s great! Don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen.

It’s up to us now to really stand guard over ourselves. The holiday season only comes around once a year, enjoy it with or without him/her if you have to. I hear you. “Yeah, it’s only once a year so you would think they could be different just for that time” but no, that’s not how it usually works, unless you’re one of the lucky ones who got a passive aggressive with a lot of spirit. Since most of them are passive aggressive because of traumas and abuses in childhood, that’s not usually too likely.

For many of us this can be the worst time for feeling alone, unloved and getting depressed, but we don’t have to let them do that to us. There are all kinds of things going on to celebrate the season. If you’ve got a friend you can drag along, even better. If not, go yourself and maybe you’ll make new friends. None of us got in a relationship to do things alone or without our partners, but sometimes it’s just necessary. Remember things that brought you joy in the past. Find things that are still going on or are similar. The holidays through the eyes of a child are wonderous, even before the presents.

Besides, what better way to screw up a passive aggressive than not letting them get to you this year?  Holidays, passive aggressives, and stress, Oh My!

A Great Example of Passive Aggressive Behavior

Is this the answer?

I had to share this because it is such a great example of passive aggressive behavior I couldn’t pass it up. I’ve been at this game for a pretty long time and really figured I kind of had a handle on “cause and effect”, but this one is a completely new one that has me dumbfounded. I realize 10 yrs. isn’t much to some of you really old timers (22 yrs., 36 yrs.) but I thought it was long enough to pretty much be aware of most of the games.

My wonderfully, passive aggressive BF and I are having a “War of the Toilet Seat”. Now mind you, this is 10 yrs. into the relationship where he has always been most courteous about putting the toilet seat down when he’s done. That’s what a gentleman does, right? And he was definitely raised a gentleman. Everyone forgets once in a while to put the toilet seat down, or to flush, I mean we all have, so I didn’t mention it at first. I couldn’t help but notice that I’m having to check more and more when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night (in the dark) that I need to check and make sure what position the toilet seat is in. Even being heavy, my warm but hits that cold water, it’s not pleasant. LOL.

After a few times with in just a few days of noticing that he wasn’t putting the toilet seat down I said something to him about it the other night. Of course in the usual passive aggressive way, he apologized profusely, assured me that he wasn’t upset about anything, and the next morning I get up and not only is the toilet seat up, but this time he didn’t even bother to flush. (Nothing sacred or private on my blog. LOL)

Last night I told him “Boy, you sure got even with me. I mention not putting the toilet seat down so this morning you don’t put it down or flush.” I told him “I don’t know what I did to piss you off, but obviously there’s something bothering you that you’re chosing this way to get even”.

Now this is the true passive aggressive. He kept saying “No, no” and hung his head in shame.

We sat across from the table from each other watching TV, him with his head hung low, me carrying on like it’s nothing. Me remarking on different parts of the TV program, him not saying a word. Poor passive aggressive Baby.  So during the night, sure enough I had to put the toilet seat down (I been down that road before) and then today I went in to use the toilet and the toilet seat’s up. Funny guy!

The only thing I can think of is I’ve been pretty big lately on his pursuing work again now that we’re settled in a new home. While we were floating, I know it’s hard to connect, etc. although I would have tried at that point even harder, but I wasn’t on him to much to go to work. Now we’re settled with our own address and I’ve been on him about checking in with his group at EDD, etc. He actually went for an interview yesterday. That’s the only thing I can think of that set off this new retaliation. But when you’re living with a passive aggressive and hidden feelings, who knows?

SAD And Passive Aggressive?

It almost sounds about like the joke I made about a passive aggressive being

yeah, that's me

schizophrenic and having to put up with 2 of them. Unfortunately, SAD is a very real thing and not only can it affect them, but it can get to us also.  For those who don’t know what SAD is, it stands for Seasonal Affective Disorder, or in common terms, the “winter blues”.  I didn’t realize how much it affected me until it rained 27 straight days here. I was just about a basket case. I never realized how much the lack of sunshine could affect someone’s psyche.

Being involved with a passive aggressive partner is tough enough, but if you or they are a victim of SAD it just makes matters worse. Pile on top of that the stress of the holidays, and…well you know.

Here are my tips for today to get through the season with your sanity.

1) If you’re in a place that is dark a lot or you don’t get out in the sun much, make sure you are supplementing your regular vitamin regiment with Vitamin D3. Did you know that a good percentage (over 50%) of adults and children are Vitamin D deficient? Getting the proper amount of vitamin D can help lift your spirits along with many other things that Vitamin D can do for you.

2) Bright-light therapy–which you can do by sitting in front of a
fluorescent light box that delivers an intensity of 10,000 lux–can
be as effective as antidepressant medication for mild and moderate
depression and can yield substantial relief for Seasonal Affective
Disorder. The brighter you keep your surroundings the less likely SAD is going to debilitate you. Makes sense.

3) Exercise. Even I had to grunt at this one, but I’m telling you, you need to put those little endorphins to work. If you can possibly start your day with an exercise routine of some sort, be it walking, exercising with tv, anything to get you moving and blood circulating, you’ll feel much better for the rest of the day. It not only gives you a mood lift, but an energy lift as well. If you’re like me, you need some kind of accountability or a friend to prod you on, so look for an exercise “buddy” or find a group that’s doing “mall walking” in your community, join a gym, something. At least most of this stuff you can do indoors no matter what the weather is like. If you ever get a chance to see what it does physiologically to the brain (google “brain and exercise” and watch a couple of the videos) you’ll be glad to get started.

4) Wear bright colors. This one I stole from Theresa Bochard at Beliefnet’s “Beyond Blue”.  She’s right and I do it myself. During the winter we all tend to dress in the darkest colors, like we’re going to a funeral. I know how much better I feel just putting on a red lipstick (yes I do on occassion). Dress in something festive and warm instead of dark sweats and warm. Feel good about yourself! Celebrate. We have another day to figure it out, get it right, or just rejoice in it! LOL.

5) Get plenty of support around you. A lot of us don’t talk much to others about what we’re going through with our passive aggressive partners. Who wants to admit that we have no sex life? That the man/woman we married doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us physically anymore? We all need a safe place to go to be able to let it out. Whether you join a support group, a 12 step program, get a therapist, have a special friend you can share with, or even just coming here to vent, you need to feel like you’re not alone. You need to feel you can scream out loud if you want to. Like you have someone who will understand. And along with this comes…

6) Friends. Don’t isolate yourself. If he/she’s being an ass then leave them home, but see your friends. It all starts back when we were kids, and we fall for some person, and we just let our friends kind of fend for themselves. Don’t go there. These people are your friends for a reason. You enjoy their company, you have a good time. Enjoy it now. I don’t know about you, but this time of year gets me thinking about my friends anyway. Don’t let it be another obligation. Let it be something that brings joy into your life. If some people are too demanding than set your own limits without guilt. Your friendships should be a “good thing”.

If you’re living with a passive aggressive that has all the symptoms of SAD, and you have a hard time dealing with it yourself, it can seem overwhelming. You can do it! These are all simple little things that we can all do and incorporate into their lives as well. The idea behind this series of posts is for us to get out with our sanity and the least amount of discord. This will give you the strength to at least have a head start on making it through the season.

Wrapped In A Passive Aggressive Package

A Passive Aggressive Christmas

Ok, so how many of you are looking forward to Christmas? How many of you have your holidays sabotaged by the passive aggressive in your house? How many of you tell your passive aggressive partner or spouse exactly what you want for Christmas only to receive some kind of household appliance or yard tool? LOL. (No kidding. A friend of mine bought his wife an electric lawnmower so she wouldn’t have to use a push mower any more on the front lawn). Real romance here! LOL.

I personally think this time of year is stressful enough to deal with, let alone having to worry what “surprises” lie ahead. So I think we have to take extra care to guard out feelings, and our psyche. My plan is to post some articles now through the holidays to help us get through them unscathed, or at least all in one piece (peace).

First up, now that Thanksgiving’s over and if you haven’t already, you’re probably going to want to start decorating for Christmas. In my house, I can pretty much do whatever I want to the inside, and not too much gets said. The only point of contention is usually the tree.

Being the typical man and a passive aggressive, going for the tree is not one of the BF’s favorite things to do as it is. Half the time he’s spotted one he hopes will satisfy me before we even get out of the car.  I like to look around which of course leads to the usual heavy sighs etc. He’s gotten pretty used to the fact after all these years that unless he wants to go to several different places to look at trees, he better let me look around where we are. Since I usually drive, I have a little more control of where we go and when we leave than I normally would have.

It’s always nice if you can do this together, but sometimes I don’t have the patience, so one way to avoid any problems while looking is to go without him. I’ll just get up and out early enough, he’s not ready to go. If you have a partner that works, you can do it on a day after he’s headed for the office. I have found that the guys at the Christmas Tree farms and lots are more than willing to tie that sucker up and get it on top of your car for you. My BF likes to get even with me for dragging him along by stuffing the tree in the trunk, which breaks some of the branches when it’s a big one. This avoids that.

The next part of the decorating is the outside. Outside lights aren’t usually an option here. I gave up a long time ago. My BF has an allergy to ladders so trying to pull this one off is almost impossible. The answer: hire a couple of high school kids, your neighbors teenage kids, or even a local handyman. Unless it’s something really elaborate, it doesn’t cost much, and no fuss, no muss for you, and no disappointments when he keeps putting it off.  If you’re a guy married to a passive aggressive female, there’s nothing stopping you from getting in the spirit. If she doesn’t like where you put things, let her move them, but at least you’ll have a start.

My idea of dealing with a passive aggressive partner or spouse is to counteract whatever they can do to upset you. If you take all control out of their hands, don’t rely on them for anything, and get things the way you want them, it makes life so much easier.  Sure, we would all like to have that perfect guy, full of holiday spirit who just lives to make things perfect for us, but if you don’t have that, then it’s up to us to make it as perfect for us (and if you have children) as we can.

Last, but not least, play lots of Christmas music. When you’re happy and in the spirit, it’s pretty tough for any of the normal “junk” to bring you down.

Examples of Holiday Passive Aggressive Behavior

Okay, everyone survive Thanksgiving? Are we all alive, out of jail, and accounted for after another passive aggressive holiday? LOL. Well I made it and he’s still breathing so I’m here to talk about it.

I should let you know that it may not be much longer that he’s still breathing and I’m out of jail to talk about it because I may be forced to quit smoking, so the rubber may hit the road real fast. LOL.

This Thanksgiving we went to a girlfriend’s about 30 miles away. It’s a pretty scary trip over the hill under good conditions.  Our car needs a new master cylinder for the brakes. While he’s changed the brake pads and bleed the system the brakes still go almost all the way to the floor.  He was going to change the master cylinder with the last paycheck, which he never did. Did I happen to mention that I usually drive this car? Which he leaves with no gas and forgets to tell me? LOL. So I start asking him on Monday about driving over the hill on Thurs. and I get the usual “Oh I forgot”.

On Wednesday I bring it up again. I get “the brakes will be fine”. So I informed him that he was driving on Thursday over this mountain to my girlfriend’s house. I also let him know if anything happened I would haunt him until he relented and just died. I know. Sounds pretty vicious doesn’t it? And what’s worse is he knows I’m strong-willed enough to carry it out. LOL. But to me careening over the side of a cliff because you don’t have brakes because he “forgot”, ain’t such a pretty picture either.

Well, needless to say I’m safe and sound, here to talk about it, but …

Why should we have been worried about the brakes to start with? Because somebody doesn’t pay attention? Because somebody likes to have control? Because somebody can’t be relied upon?

And as another example of passive aggressive behavior, we made it all the way home without me “backseat driving” “bitching” or anything else, because I buried my head, said a lot of prayers and read a little. We were almost home and the passive aggressive boyfriend stops at our local liquor store to grab some beer. No problem. But all of a sudden, he gets in the car, and takes off down the driveway as if he’d robbed the place (trust me, no way) and I’m hearing the crunch of the bottom of the car, my head is hitting the ceiling, and it scared the hell out of me. Ok, so my language isn’t very nice when I’m “out of control” upset. So after my suppleratives, I hear “almost made it”.

I knew exactly what he meant. He meant he almost made it home without pissing me off with his driving. I could have let that remark slide, let him think he was the victim of my wrath, but not a chance. I heard that and just said “and you had to go ahead and screw it up, didn’t you?”

There’s no way I’m taking the blame for him taking off and going out of the driveway like some idiot teenager. And I’m not letting him slide with snide remarks that he says loud enough for me to “basically” hear, but not enough to address. BS! If they’re going to say it, they may as well live it!

Ok. I’ve ranted. How was your Thanksgiving with all of your passive aggressive people, be it at work, or at home? “They walk amongst us”. LOL

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

To All

Even in these troubled times and so many of us live in troubled households, we always have things to be thankful for. Sometimes it’s just a little harder to remember what they are than others.

On the top of my list is I’m very thankful for the readers I have here and the wonderful friends I’ve made through this blog. Your comments and sharing your lives with me have helped my more than you know.

I wish all of you a wonderful day filled with goodness, and just remember it could always be worse. Instead of 1 passive aggressive spouse or partner, they could be schytzophrenic and we could have to deal with 2 of them. LOL

Love to all.

Passive Aggressives And The Holidays

If you’re in a relationship with a passive aggressive, whether it be a spouse, partner, your mother, etc. being fore-warned is being fore-armed. If you want to spend this or any holiday pleasantly, without upset, here are some steps you must take and some things you must first understand.

The first thing when spending the holidays with a passive aggressive is to always have a “plan B”. Your whole life more likely than not, is made up of small sabotages. Why do we allow ourselves to think because it’s a special day that things will be different? If you think this even for a second, you are already setting yourself up to be disappointed and upset.

The second tip: Never leave anything really important up to the passive aggressive. If it means you have to do everything yourself in order to preserve the day, then that’s the way it will have to be. Whatever you do leave up to them, see tip 1 above. If you’re going to a passive aggressive’s house for dinner, say your mother or sister, etc. and there is a part of the meal that’s very important to you, tell them you’ll bring it. I have a friend allergic to peanuts and every time she goes to dinner she can’t eat dessert, even though the whole family knows of her allergies. Now she takes a dessert herself so that she can be indulging after dinner with everyone else. There are some things all the fake apologies in the world just won’t fix.

Tip 3: If your passive aggressive is always late, waits until the last minute to get dressed, drags their feet you have two choices instead of getting upset. 1) tell them you have to leave a half hour earlier than you really do, or 2) if you have 2 cars be prepared to leave when you’re ready to leave and let them meet you there. If you’re having people to your house, once again tell the passive aggressive guests will be arriving about a half hour earlier than when you really expect them 2) don’t count on your passive aggressive to do anything helpful to get ready for them, unless he/she really likes having guests over and entertaining.

If you’re dating a passive aggressive, expect them to be late if they show up at all. I had a husband once that stayed in the bar and bragged about how I had a big Thanksgiving dinner at home waiting for him. By the time he wondered home we had all eaten and I had everything cleaned up and put away. I didn’t make excuses for why he wasn’t there. It was the way it was. Our trying to excuse their behavior is part of how they keep getting away with it.

Now for one of the hardest tips of all. If you have a passive aggressive spouse or partner, etc. that you are spending the holidays with and they are the type that makes rude comments or snide remarks in front of other people, you are not going to retrain them today. If you haven’t stopped this behavior already, you’re too late to not have it continue in front of family and friends for the holidays. The most important thing you can do is not react to whatever is said. Now you know why I said it’s the hardest.

You can 1)snipe back in humor which may shut them up. It’s worked quite well for me in the past, but then you can’t be surprised if they spend the rest of the time sulking like a small child. 2) If you just ignore it and go past it, odds are he/she will either prove what an ass they are by steadily getting worse on the comments, or they will get bored and go on to something else. If what they are doing/saying doesn’t get to you, they aren’t getting the reaction they want which is for you to “lose it”, odds are they will stop.

If you’ve spent more than one holiday with this person or these people (in case it’s your whole family) and they are passive aggressive, you know what to expect. This year do something different. Expect it to be the same as it has been. It is insane to think that by some miracle these people are going to change, but we can change how we react to them.